A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

[coast]

big smile for you both

[the husband]

I mentioned earlier that my wife has been working on something big for awhile, and very recently has been having trouble keeping track of day-to-day tasks. She was able to tell me the other night that she remembered an incident with her abuser in which she came upon him in an agitated state, armed with a gun, and suicidal/homicidal. She was too young to have developed the skills she needed to talk him down then (though she developed those later, for dealing with him and her mother), so she was terrified that he was going to shoot her and then himself. She didn't tell me how settled him down.

Of interest to my fellow loved-ones (this won't be a revelation to survivors I'm guessing) although she has been in such situations a number of times in her life, she thinks this one is so upsetting for her because she is now recalling and experiencing it as if it had just happened and she was still that age. That makes sense to me, because she probably packaged that whole event up as soon as it was over and hid it away in her mind unprocessed until now.

[good2b]

Your right it isnt a big surprise to me. I can remeber some of my abuse in such details it is as if I were there all over again. Maybe not every detail but enough to relive the events over and over.
I can not tell you how touched I am to see how much the both of you have grown since you have been here. It is a big step for her be comfortable enough to tell you her expereinces. It is really difficult for survivors to tell anyone let alone someone so close to them the secrets they have been carrying for so very long.

[coast]

hi the husband

it is my kids who are now forcing me to deal with certain memories
it is hard

[the husband]

HI coast

I know it. My children, particularly my daughter. have brought things to a head for my wife. My son is now just past the age where the abuse ended (I think), but my daughter is right in the middle of the range and is, by all accounts, so much like my wife. I can see how an evil person could use her big-hardheartedness against her. My wife may still believe that she is doing all this for me, but it really is for the kids - and because of the kids. I'm not complaining - the kids should come first. We should have come first when we were kids.

Things are okay with us. I have a sense that my wife is experimenting with her sexuality. I follow her lead and go no further with the touching. I maintain the boundaries, but I sense that at some point she will have to. Maybe I am setting them too far in advance of where she wants them? I think I'll tick with them for now.

[coast]

heya mr husband

your wife and me both right now with our respective girls

[the husband]

Things are happening.

My wife now appears to value and look forward to cuddling at night and in the morning. She often initiates it and makes it clear that she wants massaging, back scratching, or cuddling. It's nice! In the past she has been wearing a T-shirt and boxer-briefs (mine, usually) for this, but recently she has been removing the T-shirt for back rubs and back scratches. The other day she climbed back in bed after taking a shower, without stopping to put something on. We cuddled that way for quite awhile. Occasionally one of us will end up with a hand casually placed in an erogenous area, but we don't pull away as we might have in the past. She's also been requesting that I massage her lower back and hips. This used to be early foreplay for us, so I can't help feeling that this is sensual. I've adhered to the letter of her requests though. I earned this trust and I'm not going to squander it.

On one hand, it feels like we're close to adding back some of the physical aspects of our relationship, but it also feels too soon. I feel like there are still things pending. She still does not scratch or massage me, and kissing is superficial. Perhaps I will need to let go of some expectations. I think prolonged kissing may be lost to some of the recovered memories, so that may be out. As for the massaging, perhaps I was right earlier about it being necessary for me to meet her needs for awhile - before it's okay for her to consider mine.

[Nazdaq]

Husband,
it's comforting for me to read that you are being supportive of your W and going at her pace with the physical stuff. I was raped 3mos. ago and split with my then-boyfriend and I am scared that it's going to be difficult to get physically close to anyone ever again. I still have nightmares so not dealing with it well.
Your post gives me hope though.
(((hugs))) if OK?

[coast]

heya the husband

did i ever tell you how smashing you are? i feel nothing but good thigs for you and your wife and really hope things continue to improve for both of you

[the husband]

Thank you, Nazdaq. A big part of my writing here is the hope that somebody else can make use of my experiences. I'm very sorry to hear of what happened to you. I think perhaps you ARE dealing with it well, because you are here and are reaching out. I think maybe you are a bit hard on yourself about the nightmares - 3 months was not so long ago.

Hi coast. It's hard for me to accept such kind words, but I will! We're still doing the work. My wife says she's taking it a little easy on herself in therapy for the holidays. That makes sense, to me. I think she may have some thoughts of being further along by our anniversary in Feb. I hope not - I'd estimate we need more time and would prefer just to ease into change naturally.

I notice my wife and I have been arguing a little recently. It may actually be a good sign, given that we have been almost fearful of negative feelings between us. It's been fine.