Embarrassed, confused by my thoughts, help?

[Sherlocked]

Hi guys,
What you need to know first, for those who don't know, is that I'm a survivor of CSA that occurred when I was less than a year old by my biological father. I've had suspicions my whole life and finally this year was the first time I ever felt safe enough to talk about it in therapy with my assigned therapist who has been a saint. My suspicions were true... which is why I'm here and everybody here has been full of love and support.

I'm working through this with my therapist and I've noticed something lately. I work for a major retail store and one of my specialties is working the cash register. I've rung up everything under the sun from mens shorts to bedding, etc. I've noticed lately that I become highly embarrassed when I've had to ring up young girls underwear, training bras, etc. I've been working with processing my traumas with my therapist non-stop and I'm talking about memories that were trauma hidden for almost my whole life up until this year. I will be addressing this with her.

The thing is, not only do I get embarrassed when I have to ring up those items, but because I've been processing my traumas and having reliving episodes, etc, I also think what was done to me and having a subconscious knowledge of what girls look like, there.

Have others had feelings like these? I swear on all that is holy that I would never harm anyone in the way I was harmed. That's why I'm disturbed by these brief thoughts. I will be working with my therapist on this but as embarrassed and ashamed as I am, I want to know if other survivors have experienced this. :*(

[Harmony]

Oh dear Sherlocked,

You have no reason to feel shame for your honestly held feelings. I think being triggered or sensing your feelings don't match the circumstances are reason for further investigation. Please try to not judge yourself by this stuff. It says nothing about YOU. It likely has nothing to do with what is going on in your life TODAY.

This it could be some old long stuffed issue. It will emerge as your psyche is ready. In the meanwhile your job at work is to cope. Can you try some sort of work around? Perhaps looking only at the price bar instead of the item? Perhaps a rubber band on the wrist or a soft gummy toy in your pocket to bring you to now. There are many workarounds that mostly center on being more present when triggered. This is better than diving into to the trigger feeling at the moment. why? The diving is best done with a therapist later on. Your job dear sherlock is to gather the clues for your therapist (Dr Watson?) to untangle. Then you can unlock the case.

Meanwhile poof and blow away that shame. To be honest lots of guys get uncomfortable with certain women's products too So this is not that far from usual.

Sending support,
Harmony

[Sherlocked]

Harmony,
Thank you. Recovery, while it is highly important and crucial “chicken soup for the soul”, it can suck at times, to be honest. I had only begun noticing these feelings and it’s like “why are you thinking these things?”