not exactly sure where to post this

[SpiritTornApart]

Yesterday, the brother of my victim who is still a friend and is continuing to talk to me. Called and let me know that the sister and boyfriend of the mother, were overheard talking about how they found my address and want to kill me. He sent me a text message and gave me the heads up. As mother and me were walking to the local police department while my car was in getting some warranty work done, I was contemplating about the examples I've seen of survivors of sexual abuse versus what I've learned about myself.

I've come to realize that everyone I know of who has been sexually abused as children never really came to terms or resolve what happened to them, and most of them never even sought out any sort of counseling or therapy for it. When my mother was telling me about the abuse her and her sisters at least went through as children. All I could really tell her is I can see very clearly how even though some are in their lives now.

It's very scary how much this can affect a victim. It's scary how bad or lives are affected and we may not even know it. My victim causing this to resurface for me to deal with was a huge blessing.

I feel so much like a monster though seeing the blind anger and hated that they cultivated. I'm terrified for the well-being of my victim. I don't know what type of things counseling says nowadays to help them with it. If the reactions I'm hearing from some members of her family are indication, I'm concerned that they may have done all they can to really demonize me and make me to be some complete heartless predator and her eyes, and if she's never willing to see anything besides that, I'm concerned how that much hatred can affect her throughout her life.

As I reflect back upon my own feelings towards the guy who offended me when I was a child. I find there's a lot of questions about why did he pick me why did he do this to me. But there's also a lot of anger in me like look at what he's put me through look at what he's caused me to do two people I cared about and still do care about. I wish sometimes that I could beat the monster some people portray me as, because if I was then I wouldn't care about how I affected anyone else.

I'm wondering if there's any others who feel the same way towards the person who offended them as I do towards the guy who offended me, and Arthur others on this forum who still holds such anger hatred and animosity to where they want to actually kill the person who abused them. Most of all I wonder am I really a monster and is the only way I'll ever find peace going to be through death, or will it ever be possible for me to find peace in myself again and month maybe one day cause my spirit to be put back together again. Do I even have the right after what I've done to even try finding peace or should I have to live with the suffering as payment for the harm I've done to others.

[SmallDog]

I have to believe in the power of rehabilitation (except in some rare cases of extreme mental illness- like phsycopathy). I do not wish to kill my offender, though he is a narcissist and a psychopath, so I would rather he not go on able to hurt others.

I also believe that society needs to confront these issues openly so that we can:

a) Acknowledge that it is real and damaging
b) Affirm that it is not acceptableand will not be tolerated
C) Come up with ways that we as a society can help those who want help to overcome their urges

If we don't talk about it and research ways to keep prople from reoffending (or forward-thinking- ever offending in the first place) then how can we call ourselves civilized?

We do what currently? We stick our heads in the sand and pretend, hope, remain naive. And the cost is that we are purely reactionary, and only do something AFTER an assault has taken place. It boggles my mind.

It sounds like you are doing hard work and healing. I commend you for your openness and I sincerely hope that your victim and you are able to find peace, each in your own way. You can't stop their anger and outrage. You can only look to your future actions and do/be/feel better.

Strength and love your way

[SpiritTornApart]

Thank you for your kind words. I don't really know if there's anything I can do to help the family that I hurt. I fear that there anger and pain may possibly forever change their thinking.

But I must also be careful for myself and not let my own emotions control how I perceive situations also.

It is very sad how overblown the emotional coverages of such painful events. But it is even more sad to know that a lot of the restrictions in conditions that are placed on me, do have some cases where they're proven to really be necessary. Not so much for the majority but the few minor cases but these restrictions would be necessary, are just so horrible that I can't really argue against when I have to deal with that as an offender.

I just don't like knowing that because of my mistakes, I have caused so much hatred that I feel or I believe, have caused good people to show signs of themselves that I never would have thought possible to reside in them.

Not only does that enhance the feelings within myself that I'm the monster, but it causes me to feel as if I have created another type of monster within multiple people.

I'm told that some say I carried too much burden, more than I really supposed to bear because of all that happened. But I'm in no way trying to minimize the consequence is not only my choice to not reach out for help, and the damage it's caused in my own life, but also and what I've done to this family that was so good to me when I needed them.

[Harmony]

Dear SpirtTornApart,

Would you like this moved to the Breaking the Cycle part of our forum?https://isurvive.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=29

Let me know and I will move this. You are brave to be facing everything.

Harmony

[SpiritTornApart]

If you think that would be a better place for it, then by all means please do.

[coconuts]

I have some of my abusers that I would like to see suffer. But then again my abuse was sadistic and built around torture and trafficking.

That said there are people who were involved in the abuse that I don't hate. That I feel sorry for because I know they we're stuck in a situation. I also still have a positive relationship with my father who while he never sexually abused me he was neglectful and physically abusive and emotionally abusive and he turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse. That said I still have a relatively good relationship with him. He has tried since I've been an adult with kids to be a good father and grandfather. Sometimes I feel very angry at the things he put me through and allowed me to go through and other times I just feel sorry for him.
I would be exceptionally angry if anyone hurt my children. Knowing everything I have gone through and how hard it can be to heal. I would try to be not angry because I know it wouldnt help the situation or help me be happy but my first guy reaction would be anger.

In all, this is outside of your control. You can only control yourself and how you go forwards. I think you may have to take a breath. Find a way to give back that likely has nothing to do with your victim. It is obvious you feel great remorse but I don't know that you can do anything about it. Perhaps you can find a way to advocate for victims in another way. You cannot control their anger or forgiveness or anything.

[SpiritTornApart]

Lately I've been thinking with all that I've learned, that perhaps my victim may not be the one I should be more concerned about.

As far as her family, my biggest concerns are not so much any more related to what I did to them, but more and the fact scene the lives they live more clearly now, I am concerned about what pain they are hiding that isn't related to me or what I did that I see is destroying and hurting their lives.

And I have been strongly advocating to the brother trying to talk about how when people do not confront and try to resolve what troubles are mental health issues that they have how it can destroy and really keep someone from enjoying the rest of their life.

I went to a health and wellness Summit for those who are receiving county Mental health support yesterday. They had a speaker come on who was the keynote speaker in the morning. Without going into too much details, she spoke about her past and her family situation and how it progressed from just basic emotional neglect, two continuous rape from a young age, all the way progressing into drugs and prostitution in many times ending up in prison. She mentioned that throughout all the troubles she had in school because of everything that was happening no one really asked her why she was having these issues and never really asked her what was going on. And when she talked about sometimes in prison where some of the officers would come to restrain her and just seen the male officers coming at her like that causing her to have flashbacks to her rape experiences and the fact that it seemed like the system didn't even care, it was just very powerful and I had a huge hard time struggling not to break down completely into tears at that moment. She has since been able to turn her life around all because one group one organization actually showed that they cared about her and what she went through and since then she's become a major speaker author and very successful.

Even now just thinking back to it is bringing tears to my eyes from the power and how much I've related to her story.

When she finished and she came back out of the bathroom. I just walked up to her and told her from someone who's been on both sides of sexual abuse, I just wanted to say thank you for what you're doing and also apologize for what you had to go through. I let her know that I had just recently got out of prison in November. and then she did something which I did not expect and it really threw me off guard and I didn't even know how to handle it. She just wrapped her arms around me and I just broke into tears at that moment even now as I'm writing this something breaking into tears just thinking about it.

And I just see so many reminders of how more people need to have support so they can find the strength to confront things that paint them and really affect their lives in ways they don't even realize it right now. And only can take is something as simple as a kind word or a hug even to a complete stranger to help them move forward in life.

I only hope that one day I can get to the point where I'm not strong as the speaker was so maybe I can really help a lot more people understand my story as well and what I've been through and move forward with their own healing.

That's one reason why I really wanted to thank you and everyone else on this forum. Because when I Amon this forum I don't feel like people are looking at me as just someone who sexually abused another person, but I feel that they see the victim the child in me that was sexually abused too the one hurting and is trying to find some sense of peace. that is something I just don't get on the large-scale loving I still don't know how to properly react to it.

So thank you everyone for seeing the side of me that is in pain that is suffering from what I was put through it's it's very helpful.

[Harmony]

Dear SpirtTornApart,

I see the harm of sexual abuse as like a rock thrown in still pond. The ripples can go on and on. You don't ever have to be harmed or harm anyone ever again. You can be an advocate for others who have been harmed and harm. I think a lot of people out there will be able to relate. Others less so.

Speak your truth and live free of the past. You will find others who will relate and be inspired. Get out there and live free. You are awake to what happened now do something for the good with your experience.

with support,
Harmony

[there]

Dear STA,
I have to say that I’m impressed by your sincere efforts to understand, heal, and grow. When somebody does take some responsibility, feels for whomever they hurt, and gets in touch with their own burden from being abused like you’re doing, it helps heal the energy of all the abuse on the planet.
Nobody who sexually abused me ever took responsibility, even after I confronted them. With other abuse, a few whom I told about how it affected me were genuinely sorry.
I appreciate what others have said here as well.
Self-forgiveness can be powerfully healing.

[SpiritTornApart]

I'd like to think there are others who have been abusers, who like me, show genuine concern and sympathy for not just their victim, but also their victim's family who was also impacted.

Feedback I've received from my mental health and correct mandated offenders program do not seem to support that hope and that I have surpassed the level of insight, understanding, and wisdom that a lot of people haven't attained after years of guided therapy.