Concerns regarding restorative justice and apology

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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SpiritTornApart
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Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:04 pm

Concerns regarding restorative justice and apology

Post by SpiritTornApart » Sat Feb 23, 2019 3:04 pm

I am looking for a program or entity that can help me by reaching out to my victim in a safe manner too see if she's even willing to receive an apology (see letter I wrote). A new concern has arisen for me, and this one is more related to the abuse I endured.

If somehow she forgave me, does that mean I'm a fake if I don't forgive the one who abused me?

I just think of all the trouble and pain not just me, but those I care about that came from what he did to me. I want to know why me, but I really don't think I will ever know. It causes me to feel jealous that my victim may have at least the choice and power to decide if she gets those answers and I don't. Does that make me a bad person? Will that hunger to know ever go away? WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT HE HAD TO DESTROY MY LIFE FOR?

Sorry for the Caps outburst. Has restorative justice and answers really helped others? I hear research supports it, but I'm just so afraid about it. It's scary to give someone else power over me, especially when it can put me back in prison for just trying to help.

I'm also so sure it would be ignored that I'm more afraid that she would want more information. It's still hard at times to talk about what I've been through.

Sorry for rambling on. I just feel lost.

Booklover
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Posts: 1316
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:55 am

Re: Concerns regarding restorative justice and apology

Post by Booklover » Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:33 am

Hi spirtTornApart I can understand why you want to contact your victim to say sorry but sorry to be blunt is this really going to help her or is it about you. Maybe you could give the letter to your solicitor to hold on to then if she ever wants to know why the letter is there also it then gets it out of your hands and gives someone else control over it.
I don’t know if I will ever get to confront my abuser as when I tried to press charges 25yrs ago cps said there was not enough evidence and that they would not win the case but would keep my details so if anyone else came forward we could do it together and have more chance of winning. Even if I do ever get my day in court I’m not sure I would be interested in why as it don’t help me and know he was abused as well which sure he was as he and his father would abuse me together when ever the could.

I think what you do need is to find someone who will help you deal with your own abuse so you can move on.
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Apr 03, 2019 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no potentially triggering content or language
Booklover

I will become a survivor not a victim

Gentle (((((hugs))))) 🤗if ok

SpiritTornApart
Member
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:04 pm

Re: Concerns regarding restorative justice and apology

Post by SpiritTornApart » Wed Apr 03, 2019 2:37 pm

I'm very sorry to hear that CPS did not take you more seriously. It seems to be that the judicial system is only about what they can prosecute nowadays instead of actually helping and protecting people.

One of the worst parts about what happened to me is really when I look at all its led to all the extra pain and hardships. As I try searching to find some resemblance of a possible more normal life for me, I keep finding more and more evidence that the Outlook is really far worse than I even knew and understand. I don't think most of the public out there really knows what's involved and what restrictions are placed pretty much for the rest of someone's life once they have to register. I've had a few people tell me what's the big deal, you go in every so often you give them your information you go on with your life. But that's not really the case.

It is very difficult and almost impossible for me to see receiving any real benefit from being able to apologize to my victim outside me feeling like I actually was able to try doing something that may help. Looking at my own situation I could only theorize that for her, it could possibly bring some missing answers to questions that may or may not help her to release some of the questions that I at least have. Perhaps bring or even closer to having complete closure if the whole situation. I also possibly hope that it can help to avoid some of the blind prejudicial hatred the kids created in the situation like this. Or at the very least I hope just giving her the knowledge and options and choice of whether or not to accept, or even to see or receive the apology, could give her sense of having some more control or power restored in her life that I fear I may have taken from her.

I guess on the side note maybe you could help me find some closure as well. The reality is for my situation I really want to let go of the past and what I've been through and move forward, the problem is when I try to let go it grabs hold of me and it won't let me go.

I guess one other good thing it could do for me, is it could tell me that I'm actually someone who may be worth forgiving. Which could help me to learn to forgive myself because I still feel like I allowed myself to be abused. And when you're trying to break decades-old mindset of not feeling like you're worth anything, and you're basically being treated like you are less than human, it does not make for good conditions to try changing a mindset to a better value.

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