A Letter I wrote, Please give feedback on
Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:34 pm
To (Name removed),
Some of what I’m going to tell you, others have probably already said to you, and although I don’t expect me saying it will have any meaning for you, I mean them. What I will say is the truth, and comes straight from my heart. No one is telling me what to say, if anything, they do not want me to apologize. I’m going to tell you the truth, but the only one who can decide to believe what I say is you. No one can tell you what to believe.
I wanted to apologize for the pain, trouble and trauma that I’ve caused you. I don’t think there’s any way to make it right, because there is nothing right about what happened. I don’t even know how to apologize because I feel if nothing I say can erase what happened, then the words are not enough. You did not deserve what happened to you, you did not do anything wrong, or do anything to make it happen. You gave me the best gift I have ever had in my life when you protected yourself. The gift of having all my past suppressed trauma resurface, and the strength and motivation to confront it to find understanding and change. No other gifts can compare with that.
Don’t feel ashamed about what happened. You are unfortunately not alone, as I’m sure you already know. Don’t be afraid to talk with people about it. It’s hard at first, but it does get easier the more it’s done. There may always be people who may look down on you or crack jokes about what you’ve been through, and I apologize for putting you through that. Those who really care about you though, will be supportive and compassionate. Know that if anyone gives you crap or a hard time about it, I would be willing to be the first person to stand up for you (and in a way for me as a victim), and I would kick their butts (and possibly other areas). I don’t care if it would be considered a violation of my parole and getting me possibly life in prison. To me defending you is worth it.
I wish to tell you how it happened and allow you to make your own opinion. What happened was the result of triggers which caused some mental health problems that I was unaware of at the time to over ride my core personality. I was not aware of my actions when they were happening, but only when you spoke up and brought me back from the state of disassociation I was in did I become aware. All I perceived and knew at the time was one moment we were just sitting there, the next your voice was upset with me and I was in a position without knowing how I got there. I did the first thing I could think of and withdrew and curled up into a ball. I want to emphasize that you did nothing wrong (I’m sure you’ve heard that enough, and even realize it yourself), though it may mean nothing coming from me. You did the right thing and I’m proud of you for being strong enough.
The problem as I learned through much self reflection stemmed from trauma I incurred as a child myself. This trauma started resurfacing because of your actions. It was very painful to relive and endure, but it was needed.
I initially thought what happened was just a result of sexual abuse I endured myself as a child, which is something that’s been researched and proven, but it was more than that. It was a combination of many troublesome experiences I had as a child, which prevented me from being able to develop trust with adults, an issue which I still trouble with to this day.
Right now it may seem like I’m blaming it all on the trauma, and trying to evade responsibility. I really wish I could do that. The truth is, there was a point in my life where I made a conscious decision, which turned out to be the wrong one. When I decided to cower and hide the sexual abuse that I went through, I unknowingly set this up to happen down the line. For that I beg forgiveness. It’s not fair that a decision made about ten years before you were born led to you being hurt. I can go into all the negative ways what I went through affected me, but the important thing is I hope with the counseling you received (by what they told me), you can be spared the life of emotional pain and suffering that I endured. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that wrong decision. I failed you, your mother, and your family. The trauma on my spirit is severe, and everyday I feel myself screaming internally in agony and pain, feeling myself crying inside. Sometimes I find my inner self crying out reliving the trauma calling for my parents to protect me and save me. I find myself wanting death almost every day just hoping the pain would go away. I don’t even know words to express what I’m going through. It’s not just the injured child in me that I hear screaming in agony. I hear my inner self screaming out for you as well. Crying out things like “what have I done”, “I’ve destroyed her life”, “She’s going to end up like me now because of me.”
I was a very poor friend for you, and I see that now. I should’ve been wiser and able to give you better advice in life. I don’t know how life can be with counseling for victims of sexual abuse, so I want to believe you are doing well. All I know about life after abuse is the pain. I fear that you are now condemned to the fate of pain as I have to live with. Though I pray every day that I’m wrong.
It’s not just the immediate effects that pain me. Knowing that because of my weakness and failure, your father got custody of you. I can’t say if that was a good or bad thing in the end. All I can remember is the days when you would come home from your father’s house in tears, and the times you would ask to come home early because of how things were over there (although I don’t know any details). I also know that your mother loves you very much, and I believe you loved her the same. Now that is ruined because of me. It’s not just you with your family that I hurt. You had to leave your friends, your self defense and gymnastics classes, Sea World, and so many things that you seem to enjoy, because of what I did. On top of all that, I violated your trust in me. To have caused all this damage and not even have been aware of what I was doing. I hope there’s a part of you who understands that if I even thought I presented a danger to you, I would’ve left and never put you, or your family in danger. I think there was a time when you would know that, I would not blame you that seems like bull crap and you think of me as a manatee (is that what you used to say), or worse.
I have used my pain and remorse from what I did to you as strength to undergo my own therapy and push harder than mental health doctors say I should’ve pushed even under ideal conditions. The confrontation of my trauma was done by myself in a way that experts say should never be done. All this reflection has caused huge changes in me. Even in ways I can’t believe. I thank you for yelling at me and creating the emotional shock-wave that forced all the suppressed memories to the surface. I wish you didn’t have to be the catalyst for this though. No matter what anyone tells you, what happened was not done out of any sexual or lewd desire. I have no sexual desire for children. All that was verified by an intensive forensic psychological evaluation that I underwent in jail. Three separate tests were in agreement based on subjective and objective analysis. I can see now all the red signs and realize how my situation was worsening, I was becoming a bigger threat almost every day. Now the threat no longer comes from me directly, but from those who would seek to hurt me to get “justice.” No matter what you think of this letter, know that I will not seek out a friendship with you for fear that you may get hurt in the crossfire.
As for my new mindset and perspective. I have logically challenged the stigmas of society to see the core corruption of our world. I’ve even started to be able to show a few others my realizations and have them see the correct true views. No matter what views I now have, I have found nothing that can even come close to making what I did to you right. I do want to apologize for myself though. Adults tend to treat minors very disrespectfully to the point it has become the norm. I am no exception. Although I was always told I was good with kids, I still treated children wrongly and disrespectfully. I can not apologize on behalf of society, but I apologize for my behalf. Proof of my new understanding and advanced recovery comes in the fact that when I am in my court mandated sex offender treatment, I end up teaching the facilitator things he never thought of, ending up into 40+ minutes of material and treatment techniques they find better than their material. The course material and other members are effectively in kindergarten in terms of their treatment, while I play the role of college professor. Even my clinicians in the prison mental health programs were learning from me, despite their expensive degrees. The therapist that does the weekly group at this program house I’m in is also learning from me.
I don’t know what shape I will be in if you ever get this. I’m sure people will not even let you know I want to apologize, something which is very disrespectful to you, and the strength you have inside. I will try though. If this only reaches you after my death, then rejoice for I will then be free of the pain finally. There’s so much more I can tell you, but that would only be if you choose to hear it, for some things I have realized could be too hard for you to bear and I wish no more pain on to you.
Wishing you a life that I never had.
(Name Removed)(The Monster, The Friend, or the Protector, or insert your title for me here)
PS: I don’t request it, and may not be around anymore if you get this. You deserve the option and choice to decide if you want to try contacting me. I just don’t want you in the crossfire between me and those who would seek to harm me. I’ve hurt you enough. My information is added and correct as of February 2019 in case you decide you want to learn more. That is your decision, and your right.
Some of what I’m going to tell you, others have probably already said to you, and although I don’t expect me saying it will have any meaning for you, I mean them. What I will say is the truth, and comes straight from my heart. No one is telling me what to say, if anything, they do not want me to apologize. I’m going to tell you the truth, but the only one who can decide to believe what I say is you. No one can tell you what to believe.
I wanted to apologize for the pain, trouble and trauma that I’ve caused you. I don’t think there’s any way to make it right, because there is nothing right about what happened. I don’t even know how to apologize because I feel if nothing I say can erase what happened, then the words are not enough. You did not deserve what happened to you, you did not do anything wrong, or do anything to make it happen. You gave me the best gift I have ever had in my life when you protected yourself. The gift of having all my past suppressed trauma resurface, and the strength and motivation to confront it to find understanding and change. No other gifts can compare with that.
Don’t feel ashamed about what happened. You are unfortunately not alone, as I’m sure you already know. Don’t be afraid to talk with people about it. It’s hard at first, but it does get easier the more it’s done. There may always be people who may look down on you or crack jokes about what you’ve been through, and I apologize for putting you through that. Those who really care about you though, will be supportive and compassionate. Know that if anyone gives you crap or a hard time about it, I would be willing to be the first person to stand up for you (and in a way for me as a victim), and I would kick their butts (and possibly other areas). I don’t care if it would be considered a violation of my parole and getting me possibly life in prison. To me defending you is worth it.
I wish to tell you how it happened and allow you to make your own opinion. What happened was the result of triggers which caused some mental health problems that I was unaware of at the time to over ride my core personality. I was not aware of my actions when they were happening, but only when you spoke up and brought me back from the state of disassociation I was in did I become aware. All I perceived and knew at the time was one moment we were just sitting there, the next your voice was upset with me and I was in a position without knowing how I got there. I did the first thing I could think of and withdrew and curled up into a ball. I want to emphasize that you did nothing wrong (I’m sure you’ve heard that enough, and even realize it yourself), though it may mean nothing coming from me. You did the right thing and I’m proud of you for being strong enough.
The problem as I learned through much self reflection stemmed from trauma I incurred as a child myself. This trauma started resurfacing because of your actions. It was very painful to relive and endure, but it was needed.
I initially thought what happened was just a result of sexual abuse I endured myself as a child, which is something that’s been researched and proven, but it was more than that. It was a combination of many troublesome experiences I had as a child, which prevented me from being able to develop trust with adults, an issue which I still trouble with to this day.
Right now it may seem like I’m blaming it all on the trauma, and trying to evade responsibility. I really wish I could do that. The truth is, there was a point in my life where I made a conscious decision, which turned out to be the wrong one. When I decided to cower and hide the sexual abuse that I went through, I unknowingly set this up to happen down the line. For that I beg forgiveness. It’s not fair that a decision made about ten years before you were born led to you being hurt. I can go into all the negative ways what I went through affected me, but the important thing is I hope with the counseling you received (by what they told me), you can be spared the life of emotional pain and suffering that I endured. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that wrong decision. I failed you, your mother, and your family. The trauma on my spirit is severe, and everyday I feel myself screaming internally in agony and pain, feeling myself crying inside. Sometimes I find my inner self crying out reliving the trauma calling for my parents to protect me and save me. I find myself wanting death almost every day just hoping the pain would go away. I don’t even know words to express what I’m going through. It’s not just the injured child in me that I hear screaming in agony. I hear my inner self screaming out for you as well. Crying out things like “what have I done”, “I’ve destroyed her life”, “She’s going to end up like me now because of me.”
I was a very poor friend for you, and I see that now. I should’ve been wiser and able to give you better advice in life. I don’t know how life can be with counseling for victims of sexual abuse, so I want to believe you are doing well. All I know about life after abuse is the pain. I fear that you are now condemned to the fate of pain as I have to live with. Though I pray every day that I’m wrong.
It’s not just the immediate effects that pain me. Knowing that because of my weakness and failure, your father got custody of you. I can’t say if that was a good or bad thing in the end. All I can remember is the days when you would come home from your father’s house in tears, and the times you would ask to come home early because of how things were over there (although I don’t know any details). I also know that your mother loves you very much, and I believe you loved her the same. Now that is ruined because of me. It’s not just you with your family that I hurt. You had to leave your friends, your self defense and gymnastics classes, Sea World, and so many things that you seem to enjoy, because of what I did. On top of all that, I violated your trust in me. To have caused all this damage and not even have been aware of what I was doing. I hope there’s a part of you who understands that if I even thought I presented a danger to you, I would’ve left and never put you, or your family in danger. I think there was a time when you would know that, I would not blame you that seems like bull crap and you think of me as a manatee (is that what you used to say), or worse.
I have used my pain and remorse from what I did to you as strength to undergo my own therapy and push harder than mental health doctors say I should’ve pushed even under ideal conditions. The confrontation of my trauma was done by myself in a way that experts say should never be done. All this reflection has caused huge changes in me. Even in ways I can’t believe. I thank you for yelling at me and creating the emotional shock-wave that forced all the suppressed memories to the surface. I wish you didn’t have to be the catalyst for this though. No matter what anyone tells you, what happened was not done out of any sexual or lewd desire. I have no sexual desire for children. All that was verified by an intensive forensic psychological evaluation that I underwent in jail. Three separate tests were in agreement based on subjective and objective analysis. I can see now all the red signs and realize how my situation was worsening, I was becoming a bigger threat almost every day. Now the threat no longer comes from me directly, but from those who would seek to hurt me to get “justice.” No matter what you think of this letter, know that I will not seek out a friendship with you for fear that you may get hurt in the crossfire.
As for my new mindset and perspective. I have logically challenged the stigmas of society to see the core corruption of our world. I’ve even started to be able to show a few others my realizations and have them see the correct true views. No matter what views I now have, I have found nothing that can even come close to making what I did to you right. I do want to apologize for myself though. Adults tend to treat minors very disrespectfully to the point it has become the norm. I am no exception. Although I was always told I was good with kids, I still treated children wrongly and disrespectfully. I can not apologize on behalf of society, but I apologize for my behalf. Proof of my new understanding and advanced recovery comes in the fact that when I am in my court mandated sex offender treatment, I end up teaching the facilitator things he never thought of, ending up into 40+ minutes of material and treatment techniques they find better than their material. The course material and other members are effectively in kindergarten in terms of their treatment, while I play the role of college professor. Even my clinicians in the prison mental health programs were learning from me, despite their expensive degrees. The therapist that does the weekly group at this program house I’m in is also learning from me.
I don’t know what shape I will be in if you ever get this. I’m sure people will not even let you know I want to apologize, something which is very disrespectful to you, and the strength you have inside. I will try though. If this only reaches you after my death, then rejoice for I will then be free of the pain finally. There’s so much more I can tell you, but that would only be if you choose to hear it, for some things I have realized could be too hard for you to bear and I wish no more pain on to you.
Wishing you a life that I never had.
(Name Removed)(The Monster, The Friend, or the Protector, or insert your title for me here)
PS: I don’t request it, and may not be around anymore if you get this. You deserve the option and choice to decide if you want to try contacting me. I just don’t want you in the crossfire between me and those who would seek to harm me. I’ve hurt you enough. My information is added and correct as of February 2019 in case you decide you want to learn more. That is your decision, and your right.