Speaking for the first time

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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Obscure Reference
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Speaking for the first time

Post by Obscure Reference »

I've never voiced this, aloud or written. I attend regular therapy and have for most of my life. I've never been able to say it to a therapist. And I can't tell my family, friends, or partner. I don't trust anyone with this knowledge to not feel utter disgust and hate me forever. I'm trying not to cry just preparing to type it out...

I repeatedly sexually abused my younger cousin when I was a kid. I was maybe 7-9, definitely younger than 10 but old enough to know it was wrong. I was intensely curious and I believe, looking back, that I may have been acting out from my own abuse. I touched him inappropriately. I manipulated him. I made my neighbor join in once and touch him. I probably deeply scarred him for life. I'm not in contact with them but he must have some recollection as he's only about 3 years younger than me. He was walking and talking and playing and I took advantage of frequent seclusion. I was caught once by my grandmother and I blamed it on him and pretended to not understand what exactly was happening. He wasn't there to defend himself when she confronted me. He wasn't old enough to fully understand. I continued the abuse.

I think about it every now and then and wonder how I'm able to live with myself. I feel so disturbed that no one knows. I'm disgusted and terrified at the thought of telling my partner. I simply can't. Who I am now isn't that devil of a child and I just want to pretend it never happened.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all
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Re: Speaking for the first time

Post by Harmony »

Dear Obscure Reference,

This was an amazingly brave post. Children sexually abused can go on to repeat the abuse to other kids. It happens. A child doesn't know about sex except as they are taught. Kids have an inquiring and open mind. If they have been taught about things very young that are not appropriate to their age they will naturally just play it out with others. That includes premature sexualization by adults. The sad thing is that this type of abuse often goes unnoticed. It is so important to get treatment even at this late date to help process this out of sequence learning and behavior. I am sorry this happened in your life. You are not a devil child you were an abused child.

The main thing is to make sure now that you are fully adult that this damage was done. Do you feel you may still abuse anyone? Yes or no is so important to get help. Not as punishment to you but to make sense of it. Children tend to act out in play what they see in life and don't quite understand. This may have had some part of your story.

Rather than tell your partner tell a trauma therapist. The T can help you see things more clearly and life the heavy burden of shame from your shoulders. If you feel the need to make amends they can help with that too. You deserve to heal too.

with care,
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Re: Speaking for the first time

Post by Harbor »

It is important to note that sexual play is common among children, and is not necessarily abuse or a response to early sexualization. We are born curious and are lacking knowledge of social taboos. I will leave it to you to evaluate your specific situation, but do realize that there is a range of childhood sexual behaviors, rather than simply good or bad. Your cousin may have chalked it up to simple childhood exploration.
"'Safe Harbor' is a state of mind... it's the place - in reality or metaphor - to which one goes in times of trouble or worry. It can be a friendship, marriage, church, garden, beach, poem, prayer, or song." -Luanne Rice
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Re: Speaking for the first time

Post by Healthylove »

I commend you for opening up. I second what Harmony said--maybe hold on telling your partner and tell a trauma therapist first. This might help you lift the burden off your shoulders. It seems when you were a kid you were doing what your abuser did to you--playing because that is probably what your abuser said it was. It was not right. But you were a kid. You did not know. As a 7-9-year-old, I want to bet you probably not fully understand. I mean you were a kid, not a mature grown adult. As a kid that is why you have to be supervised by an adult because you are not able to supervise yourself. So I would say do not blame yourself. Your best bet would probably be to talk to a trauma therapist.

Sending you lots of positive healing vibes and healthy love
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Jul 24, 2020 11:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included
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Re: Speaking for the first time

Post by earthhorse »

I think Harbour and harmony make very good points. As do you. You were a child. You had being abused. We can model what adults do, that's how we learn and your development was totally messed with. And you learned a lot of BS about power. I did some messed up things as a kid too.

All I can say is. You were a child. You may have hurt someone, but you deserve absolute acceptance and forgiveness.

I can imagine that something like this must be weighing very heavily on you. It's profound that you have been able to express it now. But I can also imagine it is seriously impeding self forgiveness and healing the trauma you experienced. You deserve and need to process this with someone safe to witness.

Sending you total acceptance, total forgiveness and deep healing. You have a lot of courage.

"One kind word can warm three winter months"
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