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driving force

Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 3:52 pm
by verilybutwearily
see, you think you're safe as an adult because what could physically remind you of being less than four feet tall? maybe if you're a bull rider idk
generally as a pretty average person that does pretty average things, you're not often in positions that lend you feeling physically as you did when you were an actual physical small child
a child flinging themselves off the trampoline at you is very similar
does any of this make sense or do i talk in circles
i'm standing there talking to H minding our own business and the kiddo leaps off the trampoline right onto me
I AM JUST so upset because it felt exactly like being a toddler and minding your own business just playing a game by yourself and suddenly being smacked and shoved and just not knowing what's going on and being so startled and surprised and there's just such a feeling of BETRAYAL every time he "attacks" me when i'm not at all prewarned and a feeling of being very very young and hurt and confused and betrayed
because i also have such clear memories of the exact same thing
playing with adults and then they get distracted and you keep playing but since they're distracted you startle them and they get mad
and then THAT feeling of betrayal
just playing and being snapped at
i hate that feeling so much that's my least favourite feeling in the world
that pure fun just having total fun not thinking about anything else and then BAM
in trouble
snapped back to reality
you are always terrible
you ruin everything
"we were having fun why do you have to ruin it always"
it hurts SO MUCH i don't even want to think about it ever
but it's the MOST IMPORTANT because i do it to him and that is unacceptable and cruel
anyway this is gonna be my breaking the cycle thread cause it's the most important part
it's our driving force

which is good since this is the stuff that makes me want to die
all wrapped in with what keeps me going

Re: driving force

Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:40 pm
by recover
hey verilybutwearily,
here listening.
you are a good mom (i think you are talking about your child? forgive me if i am wrong)
with caring,

Re: driving force

Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 3:57 am
by Harmony
Dear verilybutwearily,

Sorry you got so triggered while playing supposedly for fun. I hope you are feeling a little better. Have you made more sense of the episode?

with comfort,