Abuse

[GrowingTree]

My brother molested me time and time again when he was a child.
He gave me PTSD, trust issues, health issues and more.
I tortured my little sisters when I was a child. I did it time and time again. They would scream and cry. My mother would come and ask what happened. I feigned innocence. They were too young to talk. That is how young they were. I needed control. Now I know why I did it. I knew it was wrong at the time. I knew I was hurting them. Yet I did it, not once not twice. I was careful not to get caught.

After I got PTSD I would torture myself in the exact same way I did to my sisters. I felt angry at myself. I needed justice, and doing it to myself felt like it. I was out of control, not dissociated, but I needed control. I needed to hurt myself in the same way I did to them. I Needed to hurt me.

There were three of them that I hurt. Three. I abused three babies, two of them twins. The eldest could talk and I knew she might tell, so I tortured her less.

This doesn't make me an evil person, just like the molestation doesn't make my brother evil. We were children. Children.

I know how much he destroyed my life. I will never be the same again

I now live with these three sisters. I love with them and know that I did something unforgivable to them. I was gleeful in their pain. Their pain have me control and satisfaction. I love each of them so deeply. I'm the one who taught them how to color and defend themselves against bullies (ironic, no?). They were like my babies. And now they are big, and fine. They are fine. I was fine too until the blocked memories surfaced. Will they one day have somatization like I do because of me? Is my younger sister so mean to members of the family because of me? Will they one day have PTSD because of my evil deeds?

It was evil. There is no question in that. They were babies, so young. I know I damaged tthem. There is no way I could not have, being their young age and the horror I gleefully inflicted on them.

Repentance? How to I go about it?
Forgiveness? They don't even remember. They treat me so nicely and what I did is bigger than all the good things I've ever done for them(or is it really? Am I in a position to judge this?). I wish I could go back and take the violence my mom did to my sister and have her do it to me instead. As I am editing this part of the thread the same sister I am writing about walks into my room. I start crying and tell her I love her. She laughs happily and asks what movie I am watching that is making me so emotional. I motion to her to come close to me and I hug her. I tell her she stinks of sweat. We both laugh and she replies "I know". I then tell her "I am sorry for anything and everything I ever did that hurt you". She laughs and says I am being silly because I never hurt her. Tears stream down my face. We leave off like that and she calls me silly again. I wish I Could sacrifice a part of myself for them to have some sort of repentance. Because I don't know of any other way I can no longer have the negative energy I created in our bond, relationship and myself.

To ask them for forgiveness? I may trigger PTSD in them. How can I ask for forgiveness for something that can not be forgiven and something they have no recollection of.
I have no where to turn but to live with my past deed and their consequences. I can honor them by going to great lengths for them in their time of need. I hope I get the gift of that chance .I hope they are never in so much need. I can never make-up for the abuse I inflicted on them.no good deed will make up for it.

I want to share this story of acceptance. I pray it will help me.

To those who too harmed and feel guilt. It is a hard journey. I too am on it.

[Fleur]

Dearest GrowingTree

Reading your post brought memories of how I hurt my sister
No wonder she and I don't see eye to eye

For me, I shall seek Divine guidance

Like You, I don't know how I can talk with her about our childhood

I wrote her a letter a few years ago
She didn't respond

I know our brother hurts
He's had a death wish for decades
Last year we had a long Phone conversation, 1st time we had talked for long years
I'd call, talk to his wife, girls, but not him
His choice

Our Dad abused in many ways
I now see him as not so much evil as hurting

Like You say; what happened was wrong
Dad doesn't see it as wrong
Just What a parent should do

When I hurt my son, I apologised
We are close
But there's damage
Whenever I raise my voice, he hurts
Even if my loud voice is whilst I have fun

I wrote an unsent letter to my Dad
Explained what he did
How I still hurt
It helped
I've tried telling him
Only got more va
He has volatile personality

Almost weekly, I recall another incident
As memory arises, I ask Divine Parent to forgive Dad or brother or, occasionally, others
After a while, my attitude softens

As you wrote: your sisters don't know, don't remember, so as far as they are concerned, there's nothing to forgive

It's like that for me
What I'm unaware about, cannot rectify or forgive

A way I lighten my guilt:
Lie comfortably
Deep breaths
Calm mind
As relaxed as possible
Think of harmful act
Put It in imaginary balloon
Send balloon to outer space

Sometimes takes a few attempts to feel any difference

Memory still with me
Can handle emotions better
Think more clearly
Be more authentic in dealing with people

May you find safe ways of alleviating angst
And positive ways to forgive others and yourself

It is a hard road
You are not alone

May your inner wisdom guide you to do what is best for all parties

Soft hugs; much caring

[silentlistener]

Hi Growingtree,

Sorry for what was done to you. The gilt shows your humanity.
It's understandable to need the control. It was what you knew.
Was there an age difference between you and your brother?
It was the adults who failed you all most of all.

Listening and empathising

[GrowingTree]

My mom was like a child herself, still is. She never fully grew up.

Its very hard to live with myself and past wrong deeds. My religion has guidance for the type of things. I don't have someone I look up to spiritually who is knowledgeable on such area's, but I will find one, and speak to them.

[Fleur]

Dear GrowingTree

Sounds very good idea to look for pastoral care
Please Thoroughly check before sharing sensitive issues
Some spiritual advisors are better than others
I'd hate you to be further hurt

Much caring

[GrowingTree]

Thank you, and thanks for Sharing your own feelings. I am very careful with spiritual guidance. Its probably why I haven't spoken to anyone yet about it, I haven't found someone who I admire and is also abuse sensitive and appropriate.

[GrowingTree]

spiritual trigger warning

One of the things I have learned in religion is "what comes around goes around" or however that saying goes.
Well, irony as it is. It came to me. Not in the same way, but similar neverless. I hope that on a spiritual level my suffering is a cleansing of the evil I inflicted. I hope it can cleanse the negativity I brought to this world, my soul, and the energy that surrounds me.

I hurt her when she was a baby. Now she had to care for me and help me with the same thing I was helping her when I would hurt her. It was always the same scenario, and since she was a baby, she needed someone to help her. For a very short, but significant amount of the time that I helped her I tortured her. And now I, as an adult, am ill, and am incapable of certain things. So she helped me. Its ironic.

I do believe that everything in this world is connected to G-d. I feel it in my heart, body and soul. and this feeling is strong. it is real. I feel G-d with me, in me, around me. I am not sure what to make of what occurred but I felt the pull to share this here. I think you will understand fluer, since it seems by your posts that you too believe in Devine providence.

[Fleur]

Hello GrowingTree

Understanding as much as I can
Definitely know Divine providence happens

You share Amazing insight

I pray you're soon in contact with" right" person for you

[GrowingTree]

Fluer, your comment made me smile and l looked back to see what I wrote. I am a very complex spiritual person. By complex I mean it as a positive thing. Not sure if I am making sense.

Good day to everyone.

[Fleur]

Dear GrowingTree

Want to elaborate on "complex"?

May your day be full of bright happy moments