I'm a piece of crap

[BrokenButterflyWings]

I was given a dog by someone who bought her off a homeless addict a couple month ago...I think she was abused in her old home. Sometimes when I try to pick her up, she yelps...Today she bit me...it triggered me really bad and I blacked out and ended up hitting her....I feel like the biggest sack of shit I have ever felt like before. Never in my life have I hurt an animal or child..I don't know what got into me and I want to hurt myself really really badly...wondering if I should give her up..Have I lost it? I've never physically harmed anything in my life. What's wrong with me? I have acted like THEM!! I hate me.

[BrokenButterflyWings]

I guess being a piece of shit doesn't matter to anybody. Beating and killing animals doesn't faze anyone? Maybe I do belong where I came from. I'm the only fucking one in my whole family, begging for help, but nobody wants to listen to me. So whatever, if me and these animals all wind up dead, at least I'll know I tried and as usual, nobody wants to listen.

[richbee]

Nobody is a piece of crap, and the fact that you care what you did strengths my argument. Sounds like your being harsh on yourself, the problems we had to face when we were young are not our fault.

What are you emotions saying to you at the moment by feeling like this? There maybe a lesson here if you can find it, be a detective.

I am sorry you are in obvious pain and struggling. I am sending you some kind thoughts.

[BrokenButterflyWings]

I have too many cats and they really frustrate me sometimes and I yell at them and call them names. The other day I hit my dog because she bit me. But I'm really getting really upset yelling and screaming at my cats..and when I pick them up to put them in the room, my hand tries really hard to squeeze him too hard but my little kid in my head screams at me and for the most part keeps me from doing them harm. I love them all so much, they are all related, and most of the time I don't want to hurt them. The urges scare me and they keep getting worse and I have asked people for months for help finding them homes because I'm a rescue hoarder and can't do it myself and nobody is listening and nobody cares and I really hate this and its too much and I cant handle it or anything else thats going on. Im sick and I'm tired and I cant do any of this any more because everyone keeps forcing me to do everything alone. Im not doing it anymore. Its stupid and its all a waste of my time.

[BrokenButterflyWings]

Like, I want to pack my shit, take off and leave all the animals behind. Do you know what that feels like?

[richbee]

I dont know what it feels like, I am sorry. I have my own demons and they scream loud enough. I wish there was something I could do to help you.

Please be kind to yourself.

[BrokenButterflyWings]

well at least you have demons instead of being the demon. Thanks anyway though.

[Jonesy]

Hi BrokenButterflyWings

Sounds to me like you need a break before something in you snaps. You sound in an extremely triggered place right now.
I'm grateful richbee was here to answer with some very supportive words for you. How many animals do you care for?

[BrokenButterflyWings]

That was a few days ago. I've managed to keep my reactions some-what under control since. But you're right, I feel like I'm going to snap. Wouldn't anybody who knew their nephews have a high chance of being actually beaten to death by family and no matter how loud you scream, no matter how much evidence you're trying to shove in their face, and nobody will listen? I HAVE to keep myself under control. I have to get my nephews out of there. I have 6 cats and a dog. Under the legal limit, but my cats are part Siamese and part African wildcat...so 6 half-wild cats are VERY frustrating when they play sometimes. Mostly I just yell, but that really scared me when I hit her. But then I realized, the dog bit me. It was a reactionary self-defense that any animal would have. According to Google anyway. I just feel very very useless and out of control with everything that's going on in my life right now. Between my family and my last relationship, and my lack of enough money, I'm just very really stressed out!

[recover]

hi bbfw,
oh my i am sorry to hear of all of this stress. is it possible to get a break from caring for the animals at least just for a brief while? you have so much on your plate. and you are no way a piece of crap, no way.
here with support.
recover