I don't want to cause pain

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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MellitaPuella
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Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:04 pm

I don't want to cause pain

Post by MellitaPuella » Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:45 pm

I'm only just beginning to realize how hurtful my behavior can come across. I sincerely don't mean to be hurtful. My energy is so focused on trying to avoid pain that I inadvertently inflict pain on others. I feel so ashamed and angry with myself. How can I have allowed myself to be so selfish? The last thing on earth I want to do is harm anyone. I'm trying to be more aware of my behavior. I'm trying to prevent incidents and to make sure to apologize and make up for wrongs, but I feel like a total dirtbag. I also realize that a lot of what is happening is miscommunication, which helps a bit. It explains why it keeps happening despite my good faith efforts to stop it. Once I realize what is going on it all makes sense. I realize what I misinterpreted, and why I reacted to that misinterpretation in the way I did. This gives me hope, but I wish that it would all just go away, right now. I wish I knew how to make up for everything. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore.

Lotus
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Posts: 462
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:58 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by Lotus » Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:59 pm

Hello MellitaPuella,

May you be blessed with clarity, strength, and support as you move forward on your healing journey. We all deserve to heal and when we can let go of shame in any of it's forms, and love ourselves anyway, we gift ourselves with the ability to change our behaviors one step at a time. Behavior is purposeful - there is ALWAYS a reason for it or something driving it.

Maladaptive behavior comes from wounds and they are a call for help & love.

Best Wishes,
Lotus

facingmytruth
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Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 1:54 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by facingmytruth » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:27 am

I relate to your post so much .I don't have any advice other than recognising the way we react being the first step in changing .for me I think its learning that not everyone means me any harm ,its hard because sometimes the natural reaction is to act before thinking.not sure I'm making any sense here ,but wanted you to know I understand. Take care.

MellitaPuella
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Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:04 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by MellitaPuella » Fri Dec 19, 2014 5:01 pm

*not sure if this should be MT or ST, I think MT but am erring on the side of caution.

Thank you for your responses. It means a lot to me.

I'm both sad and glad that you can relate, facingmytruth. It sucks that we have to go through it because other people did bad things to us, but it helps to know I'm not the only one who dealing with this. It's true, I often assume (even subconsciously) that people are trying to hurt me, and end up acting harshly, being short, or avoiding people altogether because of it. When it happens I look to it as "proof" that my abusers were right and that I am, in fact, a bad person. Being able to counter that by knowing my actions are a result of my being frightfully scared helps me ease up on myself. Then I can address the issue, instead of spiraling out of control in self-loathing.

I'm determined to break the cycle. I know it runs throughout my family like a curse. My maternal great-great-grandma was murdered by her husband, my great-great-grandfather. My great-uncles raped my great-grandma. My grandma was in an unhealthy marriage to my grandfather, don't know if anything else went on. My mom says that my grandma emotionally neglected her, and that she was raped and molested by her adopted cousin (who committed suicide) and my grandma's boyfriends. Then my sister and I went through hell and back. There is probably more than I'm even aware of. That's not even all of my mother's side. There is so much denial in my family. But I'm going to change. I will be the last of my line to experience that pain.

hopeful
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Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2014 9:48 am

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by hopeful » Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:07 pm

Good on you MellitaPuella

bravo for being so brave and being so determined.
you sound as though you are making some positive changes in your life and it shows the strength in your character.

Wishing you well on your journey

hopeful

Harmony
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Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by Harmony » Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:26 pm

Dear MellitaPuelle,
I remember a sign in the place I once worked that said, "children learn what they live". If we grow up learning the wrong lessons is not understandable that we might have trouble doing the right thing?

Now a days I do what seems to be the right thing. It is relieving to me that doing good, acting with love and being a decent human is rewarding and pleasing to me. Apparently my abusers didn't have that same sense of doing good feels good. They were more about getting what they wanted. This is what I have learned. Your healing path may be different.

All the best in healing,
Harmony

Lotus
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Posts: 462
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:58 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by Lotus » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:14 am

Dear MellitaPuella,

I'm so grateful for your intention to break the awful generational abuse in your family. May you be blessed with all the strength and help you need to go forward with your healing. You are making a change generations after you will benefit from.

I'm sitting here cheering you on in your efforts to heal.

safe hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MellitaPuella))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Blessings,
Lotus

MellitaPuella
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Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:04 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by MellitaPuella » Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:18 pm

Thank you for your support it! This topic is so shrouded in shame for me that it is really difficult to discuss most of the time. I'm so happy you all are so supportive. Talking about it makes it feel less like something I'm doomed to repeat than something that I can work on.

I always thought that my hurt and anger made me a bad person. Knowing that intense pain is a normal reaction to my situation helps me not act out on the pain. Not that it is easy...but today I noticed a big difference! Even my partner noticed! The thing that made the difference was being kind to myself. It was really hard and really scary, but I was able to do it. Usually I wake up feeling awful. I get very moody and tend to snap at my partner. Especially because I fear being without him when he goes to work. Today I tried being kind to the parts of myself that were in such distress. It was the first time I tried it. I noticed a part of me that was really resistant, but instead of scolding and shaming it, or hiding and denying it, I told it that it makes sense that it didn't want to give up control. It is doing something that allowed me to survive. But now it thinks we're in the same danger when we are not. And it's understandable. I know it's not going to give up power easily, but I think if I keep trying to reassure it, it won't dominate me as much anymore.

Every day I learn more and more about myself. I'm truly beginning to accept myself for the very first time. I'm sure there will be setbacks and mistakes, but I think I'm finally on the path to healing. Thanks for helping me join it and showing that there is a way through it.

Lotus
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Posts: 462
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:58 pm

Re: I don't want to cause pain

Post by Lotus » Mon Dec 22, 2014 4:27 am

Dear MellitaPuella,

Wonderful progress!!!! So happy for you. I know from working with myself, I only weaken myself and get worse from attacking myself with mean thoughts about me. I can depend on moving in a positive direction when I give myself a break, and better yet, some caring compassion.

Best wishes and safe hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MellitaPuella))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lotus

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