Bad day today

[Tryingtostayafloat]

I've been really struggling recently, feeling myself slipping. Everything just feels against me.

Last night u didn't sleep well nightmares forcing me to wake.
So I did what I do now and I take things easy kids wanted to go on electronics fine, watch a film or 3 let's do it. But all day my little one has been moaning nothing has been good enough and my big one just having no time for her little sister. I changed the tone put on music, changed the scenery went in the garden. I actually managed to go to a shop which is probably where my mistake began. We planted some seeds. Then my partner got home he'd had a hard day, I was already snapping at the dogs for getting in the way.
I started dinner put the music on, I could hear the kids moaning so I turned it up I was in the kitchen I just wanted to get this all done so I could sit down and just be. Then they don't stop the legs been broken, be kind to each other. I asked my older one to empty the tumbler dryer I went back to the washing up. I heard her fussing I said I couldn't hear her, then more mumbling. I screamed I can't hear you I've got the music on just come here I've already told you I can't hear. By this point my daughter is sobbing I tell my self in my head just breath it's ok. I hug her ask her what's happened. She said she hurt her leg so I say show me let's look if I heard you over the music it must be bad. But then she says no it's fine. Then I'm more bothered that she was moaning out of having to do the tumble drying than actually hurting herself. The little one brings an ice pack but I've already told her to get out (Name Removed) needs help I'm helping her. Then I correct myself and say thank you that was kind. My partner then comes in washes his hands (he was in the toilet not ignoring, our tap is broken in the bathroom) he doesn't say a word. I say can you just see to her while I do this. He says he will and out they go. Then g
He comes back and starts asking about how long dinner will be, then the timer goes of and he asks is it done now. I say I'll sort it just get out let me do it. He then shouts at me tells me not to talk to him like that, I tell him to get out so I can just sort this. Then he goes on shouting at me about how he has had enough, I'm shouti g at the kids and talking to him like this when he is the one here with me every day, he's in my face now telling me they are the ones living with me and how dare I. Then I scream, I go to grab the plates next to me to throw them on the floor, I stop myself I thinking what else can I do, in my head it's spinning, he's had enough I haven't acted like this for months and months I've been doing so well at controlling it all. I try to say to him what I'm thinking that this is the first time in forever but he keeps shouting telling me no then I lose it I push him to leave the room he comes back at me shouting I push him again I tell him to get away to leave me alone. Then I go to the bathroom to lock myself in feeling so bad about everything. He won't let me he pushed the dot I try to push him out but he's stringer than me I look around for what I can throw I pick up my daughters step, but stop myself no. The. He grabs it off me and smashes it over his head. How did all just get so out of hand. The kids are upset I have to pull myself together I go to them they're ok one is I ly crying because she wants to watch TV.

Then I go back to the dinner that's all be left. But then my head starts filling with dread this isn't OK and it wasn't my fault I just snapped with the kids we all make mistakes I'm trying my best. I ran out of cbd oil because its got lost in the post I don't take meds because they just fuck with my head. He knows all of this he knows what I'm going threw I try to talk to him to say its been months please don't say it like this is something I do all the time. How can all my hard work be thrown out the window. I've told him how much harder it been lately. I e seen my abuser still walking around free. I've had no support for therapists as I just keep getting passed around back and fourth my doctors didn't refer me till four months after they said they had. We are trying to move house to get out of the area because I struggle so bad to even go anywhere. But recently lost 3 houses due to then going with other offers.

And now I've just left I'm sitting in a car park crying writing this, because I'm fed up of ringing crisis and having to go over everything again and again.

I'm just left feeling like this horrific person when inside I'm fighting against all the hard work I've been doing, self harm, intrusive thoughts. I don't want to be like this no more I don't want to be categorised for just one bad moment. Its like no matter how much good I do it all gets undone.

[Harbor]

Hi Tryingtostayafloat

I was sorry to read about your day.

I would like to highlight the things you did well:

1) You looked for things that you and the kids could enjoy together.
2) When that didn't go well, you worked on ways to change the tone of your day: music, going out to garden, shopping.
3) Remembering to breathe when emotions are running high.
4) Taking time out to see to your children's emotional needs.
5) Remembering to look for and comment on when your children are kind.
6) Stopping yourself before acting on negative impulses.

That's a pretty long list!

I would also like to highlight things that were not your doing:
- Your partner's bad day.
- Your partner's choice to intrude into the locked bathroom.
- Your partner's choice to break the step over his head.

Those last 2 are not the actions of a person who is exercising good control of themselves. By contrast you, the identified "horrific person", did not act on your impulses to throw things.

When things go bad for me, I try to focus on what I could have done better and make a plan to improve moving forward. This helps me to avoid getting stuck in negativity.

[Tryingtostayafloat]

Thank you Harbor, for pointing out all the good things.
My partner did contact me and apologise, noting how hard things have been for me and he shouldn't have reacting to my being overwhelmed by shouting and trying to put me in my place, that only triggers me further.

He is also struggling in all of this seeing me so down and broken all the time. He also apologised for the nasty things he said about me making their lives hard and that it's not true. But it's hard for me when things like that are said they stick with me and my inner critic throws them back in my face.