I wish I could stop nagging

[Whataboutme]

I feel like a badgering,mean person for constantly nagging my toddler: "Don't put the playdough on the floor", "Pick up the biscuit", "Keep your hat on" etc etc all day.
My parents were v critical and verbally shamed me and I am finding it v hard to find the difference in practise between criticism and giving guidance.

Sometimes my son looks so crestfallen, like today when I scolded him as he had (in seconds whilst I boiled the kettle) put a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, he obviously thought he'd done the right thing. "No, that's not what we do with toilet roll, that was a bad thing to do" He looked so sad. Friends tell me he has to know right from wrong and I have to tell him off, it is natural, but I feel I do it such a lot, and I fear so much becoming like my parents.

I posted a while ago about getting really cross and shouting at him and that happens rarely but the nagging is constant.

Whataboutme

[aprilrain]

whataboutme,

I do understand your pain. I was raised where people were ALWAYS yelling at me. So when I had my first baby, I was always yelling at her as she grew. When I had my second child, I was now aware of how I was repeating my past and I didn't want that. It took me so so long to find a place that I thought was okay but still authoritative enough to raise my kids knowing right from wrong.

With my third...I rarely ever raise my voice with any of them now...But it is still very hard. When I feel myself getting angry or about to punish or correct them...I have to real fast tell myself that its okay to be angry or whatever INSIDE but not to yell or scream that. Often times I tell them things like...You have made me very upset/angry/frustrated...ect. Do you like to feel that way? No? Well i dont either. Now how can you and I stop mommy from feeling upset/angry/frustrated.

I also instead of correcting them by say dont do that...pick that up...clean your room...don't hit your sister...now instead I ask them questions. "What do you think you did wrong just now? Why did you do that? What should you have done? By asking them questions instead of telling them what to do..it is allowing me to engage in conversation which is giving them the attention (they originally probably did whatever it was to get my attention anyway) and they have to think a little. It teaches them about consequences as well as cause and effect...

Parenting is so hard. I see myself doing it wrong all the time. But I know that I love my kids with the right love...and that is so way different....much healthier than what i had.
Try not to be so critical of yourself...especially when you are trying to be a good mom.

Be well my friend.

[rebecca]

sometimes I wonder if it helps to have a kind of a "script" to fall back on. you know, things you could say instead of nagging, that you had in your head, prepped before hand for when you need them.
Instead of, "I am so tired of you leaving your clothes lying around everywhere" it could be, "I'd like you to pick up your clothes" (then wait to see it done) and then, "thank you for following through with that."
I read a book once called Becoming the parent you want to be (i think that was the title). Laura Davis was one of the authors. There was a number of suggested things or examples of things parents said that sounded firm but friendly. Perhaps you will find some beneficial phrases to use instead of nagging ones there too.
I am a teacher so I feel like I have to have a boatload of positive phrases...."I see Janie listening so nicely." or "I noticed how you all put the blocks away without fighting." or "I expect you to get to work on this project. No fooling around. I will come back in a few minutes to check on you."
Lastly, I have found being around other parents who I think speak and act kindly to their children has helped me a lot. I copy their phrasing, their body language, their techniques.
Good luck, parenting is hard!
Rebecca

[Whataboutme]

Thanks AprilRain and Rebecca
Some good ideas for me to try out, my son is only 2 so only just verbal but I can at least use my own language wisely, will be trying...

[rebecca]

Ah the joys of two year olds! They can be so challenging! You are not alone. When my little ones were that age, it helped me too to rephrase the situation for them. Such as, "we don't put the toilet paper roll in the toilet....let me show you where it goes" or "instead, we can sing through it to make our voices louder! or we can look through it like a microscope!"
Anytime you can turn something into a game, that helps too. The other thing that helped me was to put so many things out of reach or in locked cabinets.
Do you have any mom friends to hang out with? I remember when my kids were little, just having other moms to talk to helped. One day, one of my friends called me and asked me if I could come over because she felt like throwing her kids out the window. She would never have actually done it, but she was at the end of her rope. It was very helpful to me to hear other moms had feelings like I did. As much as we love these little people, they can be crazy making. Especially when you are stuck inside in the winter. Hang in there, it gets better!

[maggiegirl]

The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adelle Faber can really help. It helps gives discipline using positive language.