This is so difficult. I just need to vent.

[somewhereinbetween]

Lately I've had no choice but to really reflect on how toxic I had actually become. I really believe something in me was addicted to abuse. It gave me a reason to keep hurting in a certain way. Like it gave me a way to excuse all of my outrageous behavior. I am just now starting to recognize that deep down I stopped caring who I hurt a long time ago. That is terrible. I felt others pain on such a deep level because feeling my pain would have been too much. Why is it so easy to be there for others and not for yourself? Too much work maybe. As a survivor of rape, CSA, domestic violence I must have become hollow early on. My very first abuser (in a relationship) lied to me about almost everything. He was extremely charming and persistent though. Maybe I was just lonely. At that time I was pretty much a loner and just experimenting with different drugs friends, etc. I still didn't realize then that I was being affected by CSA. Inside I think I felt dirty and incapable of being truly loved so I settled for being liked, if that makes sense. Everyone I knew that had some difficulty early in life didn't match up to mine so I could never stop to say 'hey! That's me! That's what hurts so much!' Instead I learned from my abusers to glamorize the past in any way possible. To lie so well that even you believe it. I remember being called a liar so much I must've just accepted it. To top it all off I wouldn't even know what I had lied about or even why. I shudder to think that I have never been my own person. Just who I needed to be depending on the setting. What's one more lie when they say you've already told a thousand right? Well it turns out it's a thousand and one. I am angry about all the time I lost with this. I am angry about how manipulative I could be and how much I have to monitor my every thought and word and action now just to not feel like a fraud. It almost makes me physically sick sometimes. How awful I could be to people who loved me and probably just wanted to understand what went wrong. And Iam angry that i couldn't tell them. I am angry that I did adult things without being able to actually grow up first. I am angry that what if I was being inappropriate with other kids my age and what kind of damage that may have caused someone else. (I want to ask someone if this ever happened but cant bring myself to do it, afraid what the answer will be. Most days I feel like I've heard and seen enough). I am angry that I chose to hurt myself as a kid instead of just letting someone help me. I am angry that I got older and had people willing to help me and I chose to not take that first step. Angry that I was waiting on something to save me I guess. I could talk about all the opportunities I had but couldn't find one reason to take them. I was closer with the person who committed these acts against me than I was with the people trying to help me. That has dealt me a crushing blow. Angry that it's taken me this long to remember these things. Angry that I have to be at this spot in my life to even think about loving myself where I am. In all this time I hadn't run into one person that spoke about CSA so I couldn't see that part of myself to even know it was there. I am angry that these memories had to come back this way (it's no longer worth explaining how it happened). I had an ex that was such a good man. Always straight to the point with him. Athlete. Caring. A family oriented person. Cleaned up very well. Was there for me when I was letting my life fall apart. Up until the bitter end. I am angry that I pushed him away because I felt he couldn't love me for who I really was. He got tired of my shit like everyone else I suppose. No, I know he did. Sometimes I imagine that every one I pushed away is still there. Watching. Checking in from time to time to see if things are any different. The world most days makes no sense to me anymore. I was quarantine before it even became an issue due to intrusive thoughts, anger, shame etc. Its like now that I know and see all of this I needed someone to stop me and say "okay now try life again." And that just doesn't happen. I have spent the last 2 years or so of my life inside my head as an 11 year old girl in the body of an adult with some drug riddled angry adolescent in the drivers seat. I have new goals now to get the help I need. Walk away from this life for good. Try to be a decent parent from my current position in life. Maybe one day know what it is to truly live and be loved by someone. And find some peace with all of this. Maybe find some quiet place to be without having to be in the middle of it all. I just want to finally BE. Change is good. It's just much harder now that it's all gone this far. It's just so ugly being me right now. And everyone has already seen it. The only person I've been hiding from lately is myself. If you made it this far thank you for reading. I hope this is the right place for this to be posted. Trying to just deal with being hurt against who I've hurt. I've hurt people that had nothing to do with my fucked up situation. When it all came down I couldn't even begin to think who set me up like that. Today I accepted the answer, it was me, even if it wasn't. The problem with everyone else was they thought they knew my problem (which seems kind of impossible because I wasn't even aware of it for the longest) or they assumed I knew and didn't want to fix it, maybe. Some people I probably manipulated into believing the problem was gone as I did myself. Things come back to me daily now I remember it being said I had everyone fooled. This has come to include myself apparently. And then the plot twist as I now call it. The memories all came back. If it were possible to die of shame I wouldn't be typing this today. Thanks again for reading.

[earthhorse]

So much here.

Sounds like a breakthrough.

I just want you to know. That moving forward no matter what you did, you deserve peace. Inner peace. And from there you can make things right if you need to, grieve what you need to. Close the chapter and begin again.

You deserve compassion, understanding, deep and fierce forgiveness. And so much support. Your anger is burning away the garbage that has been burying you alive, but you never ever deserve to direct that at yourself - at who you are. You need and deserve a well to drink from. To be nourished, to cleanse your wounds. It's so powerful that now you are able to face your truth. Yes the tally and the cost is always too much. It cost you too much and it didn't give you a chance, the abuse, the CSA.

I think in the end we all know, that the way forward is always greater humanity, greater kindness, greater sensitivity. Being truly humane. Your monsters were just trying to protect you. You will learn to love them too. Please be kind to you somewhereinbetween.

Love,
EH

[there]

somewhereinbetween,

after what EH wrote, I can't say it any better. So I will second what EH said.

"I just want to finally BE."

that sounds like a good place to BE.

[there]

Thinking of you, somewhereinbetween.