Need advice about new memories

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Need advice about new memories

Post by Effybutterfly » Sat Jan 25, 2020 2:11 pm

Hi guys

So recently I got new memories from my sister that also reminded me of some vague memories I had kind of forgotten/put to the back of my mind.

The memories are that my dad when he hit me on occasion pulled down my shorts/trousers and my underwear in front of my siblings to spank me. He’d kind of pull me across his knees when he did it. My sister and I could corroborate where these things occurred quite well and roughly when they occurred. We could remember how. I would have been mainly between the ages of 4-7 when most of these incidents occurred. My mum says she wasn’t aware and cried when I told her.

It made me feel exposed, humiliated and hurt. I don’t know how my dad intended it and I don’t think he ever meant to really abuse me, but then sometimes I’m not sure.

Is pulling my pants down a form of sexual abuse or is it just physical?

I’m really confused. I’m starting to wonder about other things in relation to my dad but I think I’m being really unfair on him and need to be really careful about what I say.

Is this sexual abuse or just physical? I’m not sure how to make sense of this. Any additional advice would be amazing.
Last edited by Harmony on Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from ST to MT as some triggering detail is included

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Re: Need advice about new memories

Post by Watercolor » Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:27 pm

Hi Effybutterfly,

That's an interesting question. I'll be intrigued to see what others' opinions are about it.

I received similar treatment for years. Always bare rump and bare hand, bent over the knee for spankings, though I didn't have siblings to witness. In my own mind, my personal experience of it seemed to be physical abuse, with an emotional abuse component. I mention the latter because I was never "restored" afterward, it was always done in anger so I thought the anger went on and on, and it felt shaming and humiliating on top of the physical pain.

Though I'm an SA survivor, I didn't sense a sexual component to the spankings I received.

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Re: Need advice about new memories

Post by there » Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:45 pm

Hi. That’s a really good question. I wonder if he spanked your other siblings the same way.

Seems like pulling down underpants to spank wasn’t unusual. I know I was spanked some, but don’t remember if my undies were pulled down. I can see how that would make you question about SA.

Not full of wise answers here, but caring and listening, Effybutterfly.
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

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Re: Need advice about new memories

Post by babet » Tue Feb 11, 2020 5:26 pm

I might be dancing with the pixies but isn't it sexual abuse if you perceived it as being sexual?

My parents always spanked on the bared bottom but not for sexual reasons, they were invested in making it hurt and making the recipient feel shame. My parents didn't worry about privacy when spanking us girls. It was different for my brothers, not sure I understand why but they were spanked far less and always in private (at least that's how I remember it). I don't believe there was anything sexual in it for my parents and I know there wasn't for me.

Here's where it gets muddy and why I believe it's all in the perception of the recipient. My parents didn't have sexual motivation for spanking but they still groomed me for the teacher who would sexually abuse me. I think, in that way, they did contribute to sexual abuse. I do know that their spanking me the way they did contributed to some of the confusion I felt when I was abused sexually.

As an adult, I came to understand that the buttocks is an erogenous zone so maybe that supports the idea that all spanking is sexual abuse? I don't know if that's true or not but I do think if you perceive the spanking as sexual abuse then it was sexual abuse.

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