How do I cope with negative fantasies?

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Effybutterfly
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How do I cope with negative fantasies?

Post by Effybutterfly » Tue Dec 24, 2019 12:31 pm

So after suffering what felt like sexual abuse when I was 3 and suffering physical abuse, as well as physical, sexual and verbal bullying/abuse growing up I have turned to some weird stuff.

It began when I was about 13 and I started watching extreme fetish porn. My dad used to spank me so I used to watch a lot of daddy spank fetish porn. I was abused in diapers at age 3, so I watched a lot of abdl porn and read erotic extreme literature on it. From age 13! I was so young...

Sometimes I clicked on websites or links that took me to things I didn't want to see that scarred me for life.

My dad kind of knew about some of it but didn't really do anything.

This carried on and since then I've been so promiscuous and watch this stuff regularly. I have very vivid real fantasies about wanting to be abused and re-abused over and over again, like spanking and belting and raping.

Thing is, it's horrible because the fantasies are regular and they are extreme e.g me being stripped and belt spanked while screaming. In many ways I don't care if other people find out and know or judge me because they don't know my story and nor should I care. But sometimes for me, these fantasies and porn etc can be re-triggering or form new triggers or make the problems worse and can make me feel really unwell or negative but they can also be thrilling and a massive release, almost sexually cathartic and cathartic for the trauma.

What do I do? How do I manage these things? I want a healthy sex life and healthy emotions. Help :(

there
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: How do I cope with negative fantasies?

Post by there » Tue Dec 24, 2019 7:41 pm

Effybutterfly,
I don’t have any wise words, but caring and sending gentle support.
Last edited by Serenity on Wed Dec 25, 2019 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

Harbor
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Re: How do I cope with negative fantasies?

Post by Harbor » Fri Dec 27, 2019 9:12 pm

Hi Effybutterfly

You have made connections from your past to things that arouse you now, and they seem credible, but are they harmful to you today?

Thoughts I would consider:
Some of our sexual leanings are from our experiences, and some just are what they are.
Spanking and diaper play are fairly mainstream on the internet these days, as are accessories, suggesting that these fantasies are not so unusual.
(There is published research as to why this might be.)
Many people have fantasies that they would never carry out, or would never carry out as far.
Sometimes exposing oneself to such images could be a way of processing them in a manner that one can control completely.

I would ask myself what actual harm I am doing myself - if any?
Do I deserve to feel guilt or shame about the things that turn me on?
Does anyone else get to judge me about it?
Would it be possible to have a safe, non-abusive relationship that involved role playing that works for both partners?
"'Safe Harbor' is a state of mind... it's the place - in reality or metaphor - to which one goes in times of trouble or worry. It can be a friendship, marriage, church, garden, beach, poem, prayer, or song." -Luanne Rice

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