My story, in more detail

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Effybutterfly
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Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Oct 25, 2019 4:31 pm

My story, in more detail

Post by Effybutterfly » Fri Dec 20, 2019 2:46 am

Hi all

Some advice/thoughts and ideas would be a great help, I'm gonna tell my story and see what people make of it.

In many ways, I had a lovely childhood with a lot to be grateful for. My mum made my pizzas and we made them together, I played with my sister, have good memories with my brothers, father read me bedtime stories. My parents took me to ballet, stood up for me and gave me life advice. So many wonderful things but every time I talk about the bad, my mum gets angry and tells me I'm dramatic and only look at the negative. So I feel guilty for talking about the bad things. Which is hard.

I have 3 older siblings, my eldest brother, other brother and sister is second youngest and then me (youngest). Then my mum and dad. It sucks because I'm supposed to look upto my siblings and they often let me down or hurt me.

My first memory of my dad is him hitting me, it's sad to say. I was being naughty with my brother one night for the babysitter, I was about 3, him about 5. We were so naughty we wouldn't sleep and my parents had to come home. I remember how scared I felt when my dad stormed round the corner into my bedroom. He was so angry and scary looking and big, and it was so dark. I was in the corner in my little toddler bed, and all I remember was feeling like my bum was naked and he slapped it once, really hard. I'm not sure if he slapped it more than once, but I remember feeling like a rabbit in headlights, and I think I remember screaming. Apparently, according to my mum, even the babysitter was shocked. He hit my brother too.

I had nightmares for years after. The nightmares would be of me being stuck in a dark space unable to move and then some impersonal massive force would smack into me killing me. Although, sometimes the force was my dad with his bellowing angry voice.

I also had nightmares about a seperate confusing incident. When I was 3 I was mostly out of diapers and nappys, but I remember I had an accident at nursery where I wet myself and the nursery staff were telling kids off who weed themselves and putting them back in nappies almost making it punishment like. Which i really didn't like. It happened to me. And I was taken into the hallway where I was stripped, wiped vicorously and felt like I was being fondled and then nappied. I remember looking up at the ceiling and dissocaiting just feeling like I wanted it to stop. I remember the lights, colour of the ceiling, the physical sensation and the emotion. It was a wrid punishment, not like a nice adult putting you in a nappy to help you. I've never worked out if it was intentional or sexual or abusive or whatever. People tell me I'd be too young to remember but I know that traumatic memories are encoded differently and perhaps can be recalled earlier than non traumatic ones.

Back to Dad, he did other things. When I was 5 he threw a hot mug of coffee at my feet in front of my brother and sister. And it smashed and a bit of the coffee burnt my arm, I remember saying ow and feeling upset. He shook me once on my stool because I wouldn't sit still. And on a number of occasions he would smack my bum and thighs really hard and several times over, normally over trousers but also sometimes semi-public. I used to be so scared of him, he could shout something visceral and would turn blood red when angry.

My sister says she remembers a time where I showed her my bare bum after daddy hit me and it was all red and sore. But I don't remember this which scares me. Once I got so upset I tore all his photos out of my baby album and I think that made him re-think. Mum also threatened to divorce him if he carried on, so it must have been bad.

But my dad was also the man who sat me on his knee playing horsey, and read me bedtime stories and cuddled me when sad. It's confusing.

My brother got violent not long later. He had adhd, aspergers and a conduct disorder. Which was hard for him. But the conduct disorder and his particular lack of empathy focused on me. So many autistic people are just in many ways, normal and empathetic and lovely. He wasn't, and I think it was more the conduct disorder. He'd call me horrible names, tease me all the time, confront me constantly about the way I talked, walked, dressed and acted. Sometimes I literally couodnt breath without him saying anything horrible.

I became really hyper sensitive to everything, which my family only found tiresome and used to blame me for family arguments.

I have so many memories of my second eldest brother physically attacking me in such vicious, fast and sometimes unprovoked ways. The amount of plasters I needed. I remember vividly when we were teenagers, he pinned me between the wall and my bed on holiday in the dark and said really vicious things to me in my face while he had his forearm across my throat. That kind of action was my norm. I learned to cope being battered about. It's sad. If I ever say my brother used to beat me up, my mum says it's an awful thing to say becuase it makes it sound like I was left bruised and cut, but sometimes I was.

This went on my whole childhood. When he was like 19 and I was about 17 he told me he wanted to drop me on the floor, make me be bleeding from my genitals and he'd stab me in the mouth. It's weird. He's generally so much nicer now, and almost normal. He's now 23 and I'm 21, but last year I didn't want to go to church at Christmas So he called me a cunt. I'm worried about Christmas this year, I don't like being called these things.

In fairness, sometimes when I reacted I said horrible things back. Mean things that I should never have said and regret fully. But I was so at my wits end it was hard not to loose control. I think once or twice I managed to successfully hit him back to make him stop hurting me. But usually I just had to try and resist whatever way I could, sometimes verbally.

When I was about 9 or 10, my babysitter had a 3 year old kid, and I remember when we were playing we giggled and took our clothes off and ran around the garden. When my mum found out, she told me it reminded her of a 12/13 year old boy she knew of who fingered and sexually abused a 2 or 3 year old girl. And that made me feel like a monster. She eventually explained that is not what she meant, that it came across wrong and to be fair I think in my young kind I misinterpreted one conversation from another. But kind of wish she'd never mentioned it in the first place.

I started acting out sexually the older I got. When I was in my early teens I started watching hard-core fetish porn and literature almost daily. Sometimes I'd read survivor stories and I'd find them confusing and would use them to get off. The shit i saw and read as a child massively scarred me for sure and I can still see images burned in my mind. Now, I crave being able to call a man daddy and being spanked or being hit about consensually or being frightened and then role playing a caring playful daddy intimately. It's really messed up healthy relationships with men. I even go little sometimes and have girls or guys cuddle me and treat me like a baby while I wear pills ups to feel better - weird as hell, I know. I even watch a lot of hard core porn now, it's like a release but while it's all consensual, if anyone saw it they'd think I was super messed up, which I guess I am.

My dad used to get drunk and tell me how much he hated my mother at times. Or wasn't that he hated her but how difficult he found her. He told me about times he behaved badly to her in the relationship but always managed to justify why she was worse. I ended up hating her but now I realise he was being the dick, not her. He's a barrister and has to deal with challenging stuff, once he was dealing with a case of a dad who raped his little girls so in order to cope he wrote a poem that was really graphic and gave it to me to read in the car on the way to school. I was haout 15 or 16. But weird and confusing ngl.

I got horrendously bullied in secondary school for years. Physically, sexually and verbally. I had my backside slapped, hung upside down, teased, ostracised and taunted for years. I was massively discriminated against even by staff for being lgbt. All in all this went on for 5 years and destroyed my social confidence and sense of self thousands of times over. I just wanted to fit in and now I don't feel like I fit anywhere.

My eldest brother doesn't really speak to me, and I can't get why. I think he finds the whole lgbt thing hard but won't say. I think the lgbt thing played a massive part in how I got treated growing up.

My mum is also really harsh with my sometimes. Like sometimes I wanna chat and she's so hard on me or cold. Sometimes her comments go too far and are like insults, like when she said her and my siblings used to be embarrassed to walk down the street with me as I'm lgbt. I love her though and she's also been amazing. I find the love and hate so confusing and I often fluctuate between love and anger towards my family.

Recently, I just got diagnosed with symptoms of ptsd and I think it might be complex ptsd. Which makes so much sense for everything I feel daily being like none of the traumas have ever emotionally left my body, and the emotional and sometimes visual flashback and abstract violent. thoughts and feeling angry. It sucks, but at least I now have a name for it. Turns out c-ptsd can develop from complex trauma, and alot of complex trauma kids are either under-reactive or over-reactive to stress, which would explain why I react to things the way I do. But the emotions are so real, so I wish my family had just seen how real it was for me and been more sensitive and understanding and forgiving, especially as they helped caused it whether they meant to or not.

Makes me feel like I don't want kids now tbh, don't wanna mess them up or hurt them.

I know we all love each other but...
That's all I want to talk about tonight. I'm tired.

Thanks x

Effybutterfly
Member
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Oct 25, 2019 4:31 pm

Re: My story, in more detail

Post by Effybutterfly » Fri Dec 20, 2019 2:49 am

Sorry for any typos

E.g *pills ups* is supposed to say *pull ups*

Thanks x would love some advice etc xx

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