I think I'm really messed up.

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I think I'm really messed up.

Post by Effybutterfly » Mon Nov 25, 2019 7:50 pm

I think I'm really messed up. I'm broken.

I had some really tough things when I was a kid but when I read other people's stories I feel angry with myself because some people went through way worse and I hate myself for complaining.

But when I was nearly four, I think I was touched in a way I really didn't like. I didn't want them to do it. I wet myself by accident and got put in a nappy, but when I was being put in it I felt like I was really being fondled, all I remember after being taken for the nappy change was lying on my back staring at the ceiling and feeling violated and like I wanted it to end.

My brother started hurting me when I was five, he had conduct problems and he used to beat me up. One time he pinned me down by my throat with his forearm against the bed and the wall and called me cunt really close to my face. He did that kind of thing a lot.

My first memory of my dad was him slapping me on my bum. I feel like I remember screaming but I'm not sure. He shook my chair once while I was sat on it and threw a hot mug of coffee at my feet on a separate occasion. He also shouted at me a lot and slapped the backs of my thighs and bum, usually not bare but I feel like sometimes maybe it was. My sister says she remembers a time when I showed her my bum and I had red marks all over it but I can't remember this which freaks me out.

My eldest brother doesn't talk to me and I can't get why. When I was 11 my mum caught my frolicking in my bedroom with a boy, I was naked and so was he and I had to get out of bed which exposed me to my mum and I found it really violating and shaming as I was aroused. We weren't doing anything sexual, and we were the same age and gender.

I also started watching a lot of graphic porn on the Internet in my teens which my dad new about and didn't stop. And I think it's left me really scarred.

What's weird is now people tell me what my dad did was domestic violence but I don't understand because he was so loving most of the time. I also got slightly weird sexual feelings around him twice, once when I was naked with my friend age 5 and he told me get dressed, and once when he read me a bed time story about a boy who's character I fancied and I was five then too.

Now as an adult, I seek out men who I can call daddy who will be violent to me and spank me etc like my dad did. Or who will diaper me like what happened when I was little. Sometimes I regress and feel like a little girl again, it might help to explain I began to transition to a girl at age 15 and being forced to live as a boy was traumatic enough.

I also have a lot of social anxiety as I suffered horrendous physical, verbal and sexual bullying at secondary school for 5 years. I feel so messed up. Like I'm sick for how I am now, so damaged.

I don't know what to do.

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Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by Effybutterfly » Mon Nov 25, 2019 8:03 pm

It might help to also add I had nightmares because of the touching thing and nightmares because of my dad hitting me.

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Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by coconuts » Tue Nov 26, 2019 5:45 am

There is no magic measurement to trauma. It is a terrible thing which leaves scars. It has impacted you and you deserve compassion and healing regardless. Someone else's pain doesn't diminish yours. Not in the least. Your pain is real and valid.

Sending you calm and peace as you search for healing.

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Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by there » Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:23 pm

I feel sad reading about what you've endured.

Agree with coconuts that there isn't really a chart to compare degrees of traumas---I joke that I was only 'mildly suicidal'.

It's difficult to see our strength through the pain. Just coming here and telling about this is a sign of strength and your ability to heal.

You are valuable just as you are.
All women are beautiful. Period.

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Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:49 pm

Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by sarahoknow » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:17 pm

Agree very much with what others have said.
You can't devalue what happened to you in any way by comparing to others.
Its what happened to you and how it makes you feel that really counts.
But I understand completely where you are coming from.
When I think of all the punishments that I received from my auntie (or abuse dressed as punishments I'm beginning to think) I also feel guilty complaining about them as I had a house to live in, clothes to wear and food to eat etc.
I still feel I have no right to complain about my experiences as I know others suffered far worse but its doesn't lessen the impact of what I remember or the effect its had on me both physically and mentally.
And I'm certain its the same for you too.
We are all walking the same path at the end of the day, just wearing different shoes.
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Jan 04, 2020 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.

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Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by Visual » Sat Jan 04, 2020 1:28 am

Sorry for your difficulties. I have long felt broken and useless. Keep in mind a child is never at fault for any abuse. (I know it's easier said than done). ...And we survivors often think we could have stopped it or done something different. I find it difficult to not feel at fault, I should have done something, and it happened bc I must be defective. I froze.
I think you did what you could and most importantly you've survived!
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Jan 04, 2020 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.

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Re: I think I'm really messed up.

Post by LifeReboot » Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:46 pm

Hey EffyButterfly,
Just offering encouragement and mighty support. I admire ur willingness to process the past, to look and question its impact now. Such courage u show. I experienced childhood as traumatic and have felt damaged and broken. Reaching out for help has lessened these feelings as empathetic people have helped me to heal.
My present experience is a feeling of "temporary" damage, a state from childhood that felt broken (loss of protection and safety) but one that is not permanent (I'm doing things differently today to ensure self protection and safety).

I believe healing past damage is possible with real results now of "repair" and recovery. U are mighty in ur survival, u are strong in ur resiliency. Best wishes.
Last edited by Serenity on Mon Mar 02, 2020 11:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included

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