falling apart

[Diver]

i am still here, but i really don't want to be.

i have unintentionally pushed away nearly everyone

my "best" friend told me she would always be there to listen, several times in the last few months as i've suffered in this horrible depression, but keeps letting me down and it is truly heartbreaking.
i can't say anything to her, she gets defensive
ive made the mistake of posting something vague about not saying things like that, or that i feel i have no one to talk to, and she takes it very personally and gets upset at me. she's said recently that it hurts her when i say i am all alone, yet she seems to consistently ignore me when she knows i am sad.
another friend was upset with me over the same thing, but still ignores me when i reach out.

i've learned its not ok to always reach out just for support and that i should not emotionally dump on people when im very upset, so ive stopped. but i guess it's too late because no one will really talk to me anymore. those two in particular are really ignoring me. but have no problem dumping on me when something is bothering them.

at this point, i feel i have just allowed myself to be used over and over again my entire life
i have nothing to show for it

i am worried that i am ruining my kids, but at the same time think they'd be better off without me.

my heart aches more than it ever has. i cry all the time, every day. in front of my kids.
im overwhelmed. i can't leave the house.
i have given up on psych meds. my psychiatrist retired a year ago,.
i am really ready to give up.

[there]

Diver,
Please don’t give up. Many people here, me included, know what that’s like.
It sounds like you’re very depressed. It’s tough when friends let you down and are unfair.

Your kids do need you. I don’t believe they’d be better off without you.

Is it possible to find a counselor or T to talk with? I do journaling, meditation , and exercise to help with depression. Is there a social activity you could get involved in, maybe find some meaning in a constructive way?

Just some suggestions, Diver.
Please know you are valued here. You and how you feel matter.

[Watercolor]

So sorry your friends have been ignoring you and aren't supportive, though they want to lean on you when they're down. It sounds like a very painful situation and when that kind of heartache lands on top of depression, it's very hard!

It sure sounds like you need more support. I realize it's tough to take steps to get some, but I hope you will. Your children do need you! Whether it's finding another psychiatrist, or a t or a support group or something, I hope you'll find the strength to reach out in 3D soon.

Thinking of you and hoping some more hope can rise in your heart soon.

[coconuts]

Echoing what the others have said. You are a valuable person and you are needed.

I hope you can find support and help. You deserve it so much.

[fiercecheetah]

Hi Diver,

You are valued. You matter.
You have plenty to offer to your kids.
My mom was total mess but I could have easily lived with that. What hurt me the most was never hearing the words "I love you" from her. All I wanted from her is to care. Even that simple thing would have changed my life.

So, you would help your kids by just being there and letting them know that you love them. And you do, I can sense that in your worry.

Sorry that your real life friends are not there for you. But you have huge community here to support you.
Use this platform to share, vent. Message me if you want to talk directly. Do whatever it takes. Never think that you should not reach out and suffer alone. That's the biggest mistake I did.

[Harmony]

Use this platform to share, vent. Message me if you want to talk directly. Do whatever it takes. Never think that you should not reach out and suffer alone. That's the biggest mistake I did.

FYI fierce cheetah,
Since you are new you probably are not aware that we have no messaging enabled on our site. The best way to address someone here is exactly as you have posted.

Harmony

[fiercecheetah]

FYI fierce cheetah,
Since you are new you probably are not aware that we have no messaging enabled on our site. The best way to address someone here is exactly as you have posted.

Harmony

Thanks Harmony for clarifying. I had suspected that but them I saw this option in my user control panel - "Allow users to send you private messages:" and it was enabled for me. So thought may be it is up to the user. Guess that's not the case. Good to know. Thanks!

[Harmony]

Dear fierce cheetah,

While it may be enabled to use "for you" please do not. It is not the way the website is designed. Would you like to share some of your own story at some point? Most folks here like support but it is also important to let people know who you are as a person and a bit of your story.

Direct messaging is NOT to be used. Please refrain. Sorry about that link to direct messaging even being active. We are working on correcting it.

After you are an active posting member for 2 weeks you can contact Jonesy about chat. Our chat room tends to be quite quiet most of the time. Most members prefer to post on the forum.

[fiercecheetah]

That makes sense. I was not planning to use it much anyway. Thanks for clarifying it further.

[Serenity]

Hi all,

The User Control Panel was designed by the developers of this forum platform that we use, and lists options that we do not have enabled. Direct Messages are disabled on this site for member safety. Sorry for the confusion. I'm looking into a way to customize the User Control Panel for our site.

Serenity