My Story (long)

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USSDefiant
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Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2019 9:48 am

My Story (long)

Post by USSDefiant » Fri Jun 07, 2019 10:52 pm

This is a difficult post for me, because so much has happened in my life that it's hard to know where to even begin. I guess the best place would be the beginning, to do it all chronologically.

Lets begin with my very early childhood. My parents both worked in a factory, they met there and they married when mum got pregnant with me a few months after they started dating (bad idea to marry after a few months of dating, but there you go). While they were working, I was looked after by my grandparents, mums parents. I loved my grandparents loads, they took me shopping and to the park to feed the ducks and stuff, sometimes they'd take me swimming and stuff like that. They'd always give me lots of sweets and chocolate, and ice cream. Not the healthiest of choices really, but Nan really went out of her way to spoil me.

My parents would pick me up in the evening when they finished work, usually they'd be arguing with each other, about money and whatever else. Of course, I'd be sky high on the cocktail of additives and copious amount of sugar I'd consumed throughout the day, and so I'd be hyperactive and misbehave for my parents. Mum was very short tempered, and she would yell at me, call me 'stupid' and other stuff, and if she deemed my behaviour bad enough, I'd get a smack to the back of my head, or she would have dad spank me. Well, one day I told my Nan that I'd get a smack if mum was angry, and she told me to 'take no notice of your mother, she always had a nasty streak'.

For a long time, this is how it was. Then mum got pregnant again with my sister. So when mum was on maternity leave, she looked after me full time and I only went to my grandparents a couple of times a week. Mum got more abusive during this time, like, every little thing I did was just somehow wrong, and sometimes she would hit me and scream unintelligibly and I wasn't even sure what I'd done wrong. I was glad when I started school,although to be honest I was not the best behaved kid there, numerous times being sent to the naughty corner, as they did in those days. Of course, school was the only place I truly felt safe, and I befriended a boy there who is my best friend to this day.

When my sister was born, it was only a couple of days before my 4th birthday, and I remember feeling angry because my birthday had been ruined. I was not allowed to touch my sister or be near her, and I had to be very quiet, all of the time. Mum was convinced I'd deliberately hurt her, and she screamed at me like some kind of banchee the one times I went near the moses basket. It had never even entered my head to hurt her, I was just curious about this small crying addition to the family that soaked up all of the attention. I felt invisible. I never spoke to anyone at school about this stuff, it never occurred to me that things are different in other families, not back then. I became very jealous of my sister, and believed that my mother had had her to replace me because I was a bad girl. That was why she loved her more than me. What else was a 4 year old supposed to think?

The following year, it was repeated yet again, my brother was born on my sisters birthday, and my 5th birthday was once more spent in near silence because of the baby boy. Strangely, although I was still very jealous of my sister, I felt no such feeling towards my little brother. Again, I was not allowed to go near the moses basket, touch him or do anything. I got more love from our pet cat than I did my mother, and my dad was at work the whole time, he worked a lot of overtime. I'd carry the cat around and tell him stories.

As I got a bit older, my mother grew very intense when it came to education. She would only allow and buy 'educational' toys, in the belief that it would make us succeed in life. Her idea of success was academic achievement, and without that you're a nobody and worthless. Could have understood her attitude more if she was a high achiever in life, but she wasn't, or else why would she have ended up working in a factory? She was also a snob and believed herself to be better than normal people. My parents got us an Amiga computer for a Christmas present once, and my mother absolutely hated that I'd use it for playing games, apparently, spending an hour or two on a platform game was wasting my life on rubbish.

I was a socially awkward child at school, I made few but firm friends. I knew I was different from the others, but I did not know how, I assumed it was part of how bad I was. I struggled a lot with social cues, and I'd have meltdowns when I wasn't sure what to do. (At 28 years old, I was given a preliminary working diagnosis of aspergers syndrome... but I never followed through to get the full diagnosis because this answered my questions). Mum did not get me checked out because 'there is nothing wrong with my children' and assumed that my bizarre behaviour was because I was 'difficult' and 'naughty' and she would scream at me and call me a little shit and stuff like that, and hit me. She never noticed any good I did, she only ever criticized me and told me how bad I was.

By the last year of primary school, it was apparent that I excelled at science and maths, although I was near on hopeless at stuff like art. For most subjects I was about medium ability. That just wasn't good enough for my mum though. To her, my failure to get near perfect scores on English proved I 'wasn't trying'. Yes, life was bad and depressing, but I had no idea just how much worse it was going to get.

I started high school, and I had some serious problems fitting in with other kids my age. My best friend went to a different high school because of where his parents lived, and although I was friends with a girl who went to same school as me, she was in different classes to me. I would have meltdowns and make a spectacle of myself. Half the time I didn't even know why I was doing it, it was like a reaction in me. This lead to me being classed as the school freak, and pretty soon I couldn't even walk down a corridoor without someone shouting an insult at me, calling me a freak of nature, asking me questions like 'are your mum and dad related?' or 'are you an alien?' Sometimes the other kids would physically attack me. I was quite strong, so I had little problems fighting them off, then I'd be in trouble for fighting even though I did not start it.

When mum found out what was happening at school, she completely flipped, not at the school for not protecting me, as any normal mother would, she blamed me, told me that I must enjoy it on some level or I wouldn't act out. In my mind, that only confirmed the worst, that I was abnormal. Mum told me that I was very hard to love, that she wished she had never had me..etc. I said I didn't ask to be born, and she called me every name under the sun, ungrateful, horrible, spiteful, an embarassment to the family...etc.

After a couple of years of constant abuse wherever I went, I began to withdraw into myself, I would lock myself in the bedroom I shared with my sister for hours at a time. I felt completely depressed, and it seemed to take all the energy I had just to get through the day. I started cutting myself to try and ease the pain. I found no joy in anything any more, and I constantly thought about ending it all. I planned to kill myself, but mum found a suicide note I had prepared two days before I was planning my exit, and a box of over the counter painkillers I had stolen from the medicine cupboard.

When she confronted me, she wasn't in the least bit sympathetic. Any normal loving parent would be horrified if their child was contemplating suicide, they might do something like take the child to the doctor to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Not my mother, oh no, she screamed at me for four days straight about how selfish I was, how I bought it all on myself, how I could just choose to 'be normal' and the like. At this point I shut down inside. I felt for the first time in my life... nothing. No joy, no pain, absolutely nothing. I was like an automaton going through the motions of life but never experiencing it. It took several months before I could feel again, but I was not the same person, I had built a massive wall around me, I imagined it being like some kind of impenetrable defence which bounced insults right back at whoever hurled them. I saw the world as a dangerous place full of horrible people I had to protect myself from. I was now determined to not only survive the rest of my adolescence, but ensure I could never be hurt again.

I had spent my whole childhood up to that point trying to please my mother, now the game had changed, I knew she was unpleasable, that she played mind games and stuff. I expected it from her, and so it was like an intermittent hot war between us and a constant cold one. All thing while she tried to give me some 'motherly advice'. Such gems as 'don't make friends based on if you like them or not, think about what they can do for you', and 'you got to learnt to control your friends before they learn to control you' and 'you can get a man to do anything you want him to, but as you get older, you will need to learn when to open your legs and when not to', and even 'when you find a man, be nice as pie until the ring is on your finger, then mould him into what you want him to be'. Here is the absolute kicker 'there has to be a boss in a marriage, when you marry, make sure it's you'. It began to dawn on me what she had done to my father... she had abused him mentally and played mind games, she had tried to fundamentally change who he was. My dad, as a naive young man had fallen for it. During the marriage, he had played away quite a bit, mum was sure of it, and my dad flirts with nearly every woman he meets, and it's SERIOUSLY cringeworthy when he does it, me and my siblings pretend we're not with him when he starts doing that... but that's another story entirely. He cheated on mum many times I am sure of it, but given how abusive she was, I am not suprised. Of course, healthy people would divorce at this point, but they were far from healthy.

When I left school, I started college, I was doing okay in my studies, but I had just started drinking... I found that after a couple of pints of beer, I felt great, confident for the first time ever. I learned to play pool from a friend. I could RELAX in a pub environment and would find just about any excuse for a visit to the pub. I was underage for drinking at that point in time, but back then in the late 90s there was a 'don't ask don't tell' unofficial policy that everyone seemed to obey, and as long as I wore a bit of make-up I looked older. I'd have never gotten away with it had it been nowadays, they're far stricter now. I was also trying to learn to relax more, I was realizing that school wasn't like the rest of life, and that maybe I was going to be okay, the world was not as hostile as I had believed.

After a couple of years, I got my A-levels and went to university. I was out of the abusive home enviorment for the first time in my life... then I went completely off the rails. I'd go on week-long benders and sometimes ended up so drunk I didn't even remember how I got home. I found my first boyfriend, stupidly got myself pregnant, and had to go back home. My mother forced me to go for an abortion, the reason... the boyfriend was black and she was afraid of how my grandfather was going to react. I personally can't see how a mixed race child would be a problem. Worst of it was this: my sister was also pregnant with her bf, but because mum approved of that relationship, she not only got to keep her baby, but mum was doing stuff like knitting jumpers for him! Two weeks after my abortion, she was dragging me around mothercare to select baby stuff for my sisters baby. I ran outside and started crying and my mum told me to pull myself together and stop being such a baby!

Mum was at this time also very obsessed about my sister and her bf, she had been since they started dating and she was micro-managing them. She was also asking my sister all kinds of inappropriate questions about her sex life (presumably because she and dad had none and dad was getting his elsewhere), like if she was getting an orgasm and stuff like that. She would then talk to me for hours about it... and I said 'none of my business mum, I don't want to hear about it (especially not at one in the morning when I wanted to go to bed), she will tell me what she wants to when she wants to and IF she wants to' and mum said this was me being selfish and not caring about my sister. I cared about her of course, but I really didn't need to hear all of the details.

Mum them played a really shitty piece of mind games. She broke them up, by telling him that she didn't want to be with her, then came home and told her that he said he didn't want to be with her any more. I knew, but I was not allowed to say anything or I'd be put on the streets. All this while saying that the drama in our house was more entertaining than Coronation Street! Yes, she compared causing havoc to my pregnant sister with ENTERTAINMENT. This is how sick she was in the head.

At this point, it's also important to mention that my brother and sister were very musically talented, so mum forced them to take extra classes and practice all the time when they were in high school. It sucked the joy out of it for both of them when they were growing up, and now neither of them can play just for fun!

Mum was also very ill physically, and I suspect mentally too. She passed away eight weeks after my nephew was born, my dad became emotionally absent and spent most of his time at work as he had always done. He had a string of girlfriends only interested in his money but no serious ones. Sister moved out to be with her bf, and I told her the truth about what had happened. I had very mixed feelings about my mothers death, she was my mother and I loved her for that, but I hated what she did to me and other members of the family, I wish I could forgive her, but I can't.

Over the years, it's been a whirlwind of mixed up emotions numbed by copious amounts of beer. I've been in and out of relationships through my 20s. I met a man in my late 20s who was much older than me, he seemed nice enough at first but later on turned out to be an abuser. He was very micro-managing and ultimately turned violent when our daughter was a few months old. I ended it of course, and the police were involved. He is still in my life as my daughters father, but he will never again be with me romantically. He's been a good dad to her and that is all I ask.

I do wonder though, why did I do this to myself? Why did I attract someone with the same disgraceful characteristics as my mother? Am I so broken that all I can attract is other broken fucked up people? I don't want to do this any more. I am tired of the beer, tired of the stupidity, tired of a lot of things. I am trying to be the best mother I can be. I feel so exhausted, so numb at times, like I'm constantly trying to run on empty power, but I do not know how to recharge, I do not know how to heal from this shit. I have been avoiding it all for years, but I am ready now to start facing it and healing my wounds, I just need a little guidance.

Thank you for listening :)

EasyStreet
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Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:36 pm

Re: My Story (long)

Post by EasyStreet » Fri Jun 07, 2019 11:06 pm

Very sorry to hear of these things happening in your life. I've just been here a couple months and everyone is reallly great.

These people understand.
EasyStreet
Thanks for being my tribe.
May I always be a worthy member.

earthhorse
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Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: My Story (long)

Post by earthhorse » Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:28 pm

USSDefiant,

You write beautifully. And to tell your story with such dignity is a powerful healing gift in itself.

I am glad your grandparents were there for you early in life. That's so important. You have that foundation there, you were loved. But I can also see how the idea of reward in processed sugars and artificial colors and preservatives, so addictive and so toxic - could also pave the way for equating other substances, like beer, with love and acceptance and an opportunity to relax. Yes, that was false learning...

Your mother was abusive. All your life. I think is she hadn't passed. I would be writing to you now, just to ask you if you are able to get as far as you can away from her.

And in his absence and lack of protection and care your father too was abusive. It was/is neglect.

That the both of them had this toxic relationship, is just how some people stay uncomfortably comfortable. People might say hey why not change why not leave each other etc. But only those of us who have actually engaged in real change and challenging child hood abuse can tell you how actually very difficult that is, how much it COSTS on every level, time, money, friendships, jobs, ability you name it... yes, it is worth it because we get to live healthier fuller lives and invite better people and circumstances into our lives, be better people for the people we love... however the opportunity, the real opportunity to do this just doesn't arise for many. Healing, having the time for reflection to feel. to change, to learn self-care and be cared for- this is a position of privilege. So, people just keep doing what they learned, what they learned to survive. Because in reality the supports just aren't there for many of us. And society rarely rewards us for living our truth or even speaking it. It truly is internalized oppression.

What happened with your pregnancy is so wrong. It was your choice to make, not your mothers. What she did to you is just as bad as forcing someone to carry a child to term against their will. It was your body, your choice. And that it was backed up by racism... don't get me started on that genocidal cruelty. Your mom, her way was poison. She chose the way that harms and maims and pulls people, all people, down. She must have felt very inferior most of the time, to have to assert such sadistic notions of superiority.

Finally, on living with a condition, that you can't change, that no one around you understands and punishes you for. I truly deeply relate to that. I see you understanding yourself, I see you reaching to understand Asperger. I hope you will actively seek support and reflection from others living with Asperger. As I think they really are the only ones who will get it. And will help you have the healthy mirrors of acceptance and to realize your potential.

Choosing someone like your mother is part of trauma. It's an attempt to resolve it I believe. You didn't stay in that place and that is very healthy. Choosing the people, we really need can feel alien when we are so used not having our needs met, and have not really known anything else or that 'love' has always been so manipulative and invasive, it can be hard to recognize true love.

I know for me; I am very lucky to have a partner now so unlike my parents or anyone else who hurt me. It's a miracle. But at first, I thought I was 'lowering' myself to be with him... such messed up thinking. I had found a prince and to me he was very much a toad… not the golden person the person I ‘should’ be, should be with. I thought I was self-destructing, even though he had become my best friend… But it was the opposite. Some big change in my life where I was leaving all the past and my family behind, and for a fleeting moment the window of my soul opened, I looked out and there I saw the person I truly loved, a soul mate... it's a long story. We are together now 15 years, but have known each other for 21. And still to this day I keep having to tear away the false ideas to see him. Someone who loves me, listens to me, keeps me safe, dreams with me. Brings out he best in me, plays with me, laughs with me, respects me, adores me, is always there for me. It's all so alien. But he in turn is teaching me how to love.

Maybe it is a partner or maybe it is a friend or friends who can love us well, and who we can love. But it was healing and being real to the pain of my past that has allowed any of the valuable relationships I now have in my life. Not pretending to be okay, or trying to be the person I 'should' be.

Sounds like you are on the right track USSDefiant. Not saying any of the change and healing will be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

Take good and loving care of you,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"

Noname
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Re: My Story (long)

Post by Noname » Sat Jun 08, 2019 2:15 pm

Hi USSDefiant,

Thank you for sharing your story here.
USSDefiant wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 10:52 pm
Am I so broken that all I can attract is other broken fucked up people?
This resonates so much with me. My first husband was basically a copy of my father. It was awful - but it was also comfortable in a really messed up way. It was my "normal". It was what I knew. This is really common in survivors. We stick with what we know because the unknown is scary, or feels too foreign, or maybe on some level we just don't think we deserve anything better. But now you are ready to heal. You are willing to do the work and that's a huge step forward in creating the life you truly deserve to have. Have you considered therapy? For me it was essential to my healing, but I know it's not always an option for everyone. Also, there are lists of resources on this site. There are articles and books that could be helpful for you.

USSDefiant
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Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2019 9:48 am

Re: My Story (long)

Post by USSDefiant » Sun Jun 09, 2019 12:02 am

Thank you all for your kind responses, I am glad you understand me.

Noname, I have though about therapy, but I somehow feel more scared to go and see a therapist face to face than I do opening up on a forum full of faceless strangers who have gone through the same. I fear what he or she might think of me, of what goes through my mind. I know how stupid this sounds, rationally I know I can't say anything they haven't already heard from other patients, but I am afraid that they might think I am crazy or something because they might not understand why I think the way I do.

I think you might be right... I may have unconciously chosen my ex bf on the basis that he was familiar in his behaviour. Thing is, I don't want to be with people like that. I've had enough of toxic people. This is why I am now celibate, it won't stop me from choosing another bad person as a friend, but at least if it's a friend they're easier to get rid of than a partner. I see it this way, being a stand alone is safer. I have been a loner all my life, I tend to function better by myself. As much as part of me wants a good man, I can't trust my instincts to guide me to one. I do not trust my judgement because I have previously made terrible choices. At least I now had the good sense to stop what I am doing and try to understand what happened and why.

Earthhorse,

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, my grandparents were important in my early life. I still got to see them weekly as I grew up, they seemed nice enough... but it later turned out that my grandfather was a master at mind games too! He was very nice when I was small, but when I tried to tell him about some of the things my mother had done to me and my siblings, he did not believe me and he cut us all off completely, he died willfully ignorant of the facts that he had raised a monster. I come from a family of master manipulators, and my mother learned her skills from him. Nan was a basically nice lady, at least to me, but my sister found an old diary of my mothers that she kept from before I was born... turns out my nan played the same tricks on her she played on me, including the forced abortion, yes, my mother underwent exactly the same thing! So she KNEW what it would do to me, and she did it anyway! My vision of my lovely grandparents was shattered by the knowledge. I at least got to see the best of them during my childhood.

I feel so guilty for letting my mother force me into it, like by extension I became a murderer. She kept saying 'it's just a collection of cells', maybe so, but that those cells could have become a little boy or girl hurts me. An innocent was sentenced to death because I was too much of a coward to stand up and face her. I feel like such a shit for not standing up to her. Maybe I judge myself too harshly, I don't know, all I do know is that it makes me cowardly and in some ways it makes me as guilty as her.

As to my father, I don't feel he ever abused me or my siblings... he was just kind of absent because he would work every hour god sends just to stay out of the house. When he was actually there, he usually insisted that we just go along with whatever mother wanted so as to not start an argument. I witnessed numerous times when she would yell at him, even throw stuff at him in temper. My best friend once saw this behaviour when the vacccum cleaner got thrown across the room and he didn't understand how me and my sister didn't even flinch or react to it, because it was our normal to see this stuff and we kept out of it if we knew what was best for us. His family home, by contrast was calm, I went there a few times as a kid, and never saw anyone yelling or screaming, no angry rants, snide insults or things being thrown. I was actually very suprised at first to find out that other families did not behave as mine did. To be honest, I don't blame my dad for staying away as much as he did, much as I wanted his presence more. When he was around I could actually talk to him sensibly, he understood me on some level. Maybe his absence was a type of neglect, but at least he wasn't actively abusing us. I still speak to my dad, around 3 times a year when he is back from work and we all go for a family meal. I guess once we grew up, he kind of went off into the sunset rarely to be seen. I wish him well, but I also wish he would come back and face the issues we're all facing now. My brother says he barely remembers childhood, me and my sister both remember, and despite how mum often tried to play me and her against each other and forced us to keep secrets from each other, we are close now and we have both told each other everything. She has a good man beside her, and the cycle of abuse has ended. I am alone, but the cycle has also ended with me. Our children do not suffer like we did. We want better for the next generation, and that starts with our own healing and how we treat our kids.

I have struggled to find a balance as a parent, but at least I can say that I'm probably too lenient rather than too punitive. I hate having to say no to her because she gets upset and I don't want to be making her cry. I've had to say no to some things (like, she wanted a pet sparrow and I told her we can't just keep random wild animals in the house because it isn't fair to the animal), Some things I've had to say 'not yet', like she wants a tarantula, I don't have a problem with big spiders, some of them are cute, but a six year old can be too heavy handed for that type of pet, you have to be gentle with tarantulas because they're so delicate, and some species (like most varieties of avicularia) jump so you have to be aware of that too. She loves nature so much, and so far our only pet has been a docile old cat that loves attention and treats, a sensible choice I think for a small child. She loves to handle the small bugs in the garden and the local park, and the main thing I've had to teach her not to try to touch is wasps (in addition to explaining that we do not capture bumble bees in empty plastic bottles, no matter how many dandelion flowers are put in there with the bee). I love to see the excitement on her face as she shows me the moth or beetle she has found. She loves ladybugs, butterflies and moths the most.

I always feel somehow guilty when I have to say no to something, even though I know it's for the best. I find myself trying to explain to her why not, but the explanation I find is as much for me as it is for her, as though I am by extension convincing myself that my decision is actually the right one. I don't want her to grow up thinking I am just denying her things, or that I don't love her because I wouldn't give her x, y and z. I would hate it if she grew up and thought about me the same way I feel about my mother. I want her to be able to come to me with her worries and not fear I'm going to go berzerk, to be able to talk to me about anything she thinks about. I want to be the kind of mother I wish I had. I'm not saying I want to give her no boundaries (like, one boundary is not to walk in to tell me something when I am using the toilet for instance), but I keep them minimal so she isn't restricted uneccessarily. I find a lot of joy in being a mother, but also a lot of uncertainty and second guessing myself always. I'm making boundaries for things like privacy and being concious to respect her boundaries in that regard too. Like, she can now get changed by herself, and the only thing I have to help her with in the bath now is washing her hair, she can wash the rest of herself) I am doing this because it's preparation for when it becomes inappropriate for me to see her undressed. There were no such boundaries as we grew up and I'd often see my parents walk around naked, and that was awkward sometimes, or someone in the house would walk into the bathroom when one of us was in the shower or using the toilet. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing sexual about it, it's just I didn't know where to put my eyes and I was uncomfortable with others seeing me undressed at that age. That is why I am conscious not to make the same mistakes.

Do other parents here have to analyze things so much?

Noname
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Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:58 pm

Re: My Story (long)

Post by Noname » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:42 pm

USSDefiant,

I get how the thought of therapy can be terrifying. I was always the type of person who would encourage others to see a T. I'd say there was absolutely no shame in it. But then when I realized I needed therapy I was like "oh... wait....". It was scary at first, but I know I wouldn't have made it without therapy. Also, Ts have heard aaaaaaalllllllllll sorts of stories. No good T would ever judge a client or their stories. But again, I get the fears. Just something to consider when you are ready.

And yes, I think all (good) parents analyze and over-analyze things. Have you ever heard of "mommy guilt"? It's something I've heard about sooooo much. Even women who are otherwise well-balanced can become wracked with guilt and over-analyze every decision they make as mothers. Being a survivor I think amplifies that a ton. You are definitely not alone in this.

glacial
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Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 7:24 am

Re: My Story (long)

Post by glacial » Tue Jun 11, 2019 7:04 am

USSDefiant,

First. I love your name. I know its way off topic, but epic series and wish I had chosen that! Anyhow...

It was a lot to read, so working backwards with what's fresh...
Not a mommy, but am a dad. It's so painful to watch those little ones get upset and know you are the cause, even if for good. Even if because we just can't do everything they want everyday. Nor should we. I don't feel it a practical lesson. From my own experience, come up with reasonable guidelines and stick to them cuz they are the consistent rules. That framework is important. And as long as it isn't abusive or neglectful, then they are the rules because you selected them. I watch my wife constantly delegating her authority as a parent to some other, nebulous, reasoning or explanation. As the kids grow, it just gets frustrating. They can tell when it's late and past bedtime and when its not... simply making it up on the fly doesn't work. That said, you're not her and it sounds like doing a much more considerate job. just saying its an important role, despite the anguish and thee fear of over doing it like your mom...

Being afraid of therapy, I totally get. Probably lots do. I was dragged in to one as a kid, and found it unhelpful overall and damaging at times. Looking back, he either wasn't good or messed up to some degree. Also, maybe it was my take being a hurt kid... Good news now though is you're an adult. You may not find the right one first time out. Use your drivers license, car and wallet to go to someone better for you. Going or not is always a choice and you may find it helpful. You went through a tremendous amount of hurt.

Being disbelieved, ignored, blamed and generally resented as a kid? I had a great deal of that. I can't tell you how to fix things now, but I can sympathize with some of the places you've been. It's terrible and I'm sorry for all that. I tried telling my parents about abuse done to me and rather than stepping up and protecting me, they left me more vulnerable, punished me, refused to believe anything I said for years and subjected me to additional abuse. There was a time I didn't speak for about a month because I was sick of being called a liar, pretty much upon opening my mouth. I even admitted to lying when I hadn't because that was the conclusion they would come to in the end of any question and it just saved a lot of time and yelling. Just get to the whippings and get 'em done I figured.

Other kids, even adults and teachers were verbally abusive. High school wasn't as bad, but ever step up until then was awful. Some of my abuse involved being seriously threatened with murder. Having nightmares that I was killed was pretty much a nightly occurrence. When I spoke of this, I was told by other kids it meant the devil had taken my soul and I was going to hell. They also said this tainted me and they didn't want to have anything to do with me. Some of their parents forbid them, and some directly told me I was going to hell, mostly because my parents didn't take us to church rather than the dreams.

I pretty much made myself dead inside, and did it so well at such a young age, I forgot I was doing it and now aren't really sure how to stop. Like I said, I don't have the fix. I too picked someone who had problems. Somehow I'm still with her. As I get better though and can see more, who knows... I did plenty of wrong tom myself along they way. It was the only way to feel something. I totally get that.

Forgiving is an important thing. It's not for the person who did the wrong. It benefits the forgiver. Going and talking to someone might help you be able to do that. It's where I'm having a hard time right now. My abusers are all still alive and well and still a threat... difficult, but not impossible for me to forgive. I'm stuck in that I can't fully grasp everything I've lost due to them. Forgiving a pain I can't define is so tough... Talking to someone has given me some tools. Life in my home has not afforded me the chance to use them just yet... can't say if they work yet. I sure hope they do, cuz hauling around anger and resentment is hard work.

USSDefiant
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Re: My Story (long)

Post by USSDefiant » Mon Jun 17, 2019 9:29 pm

glacial wrote:
Tue Jun 11, 2019 7:04 am
I pretty much made myself dead inside, and did it so well at such a young age, I forgot I was doing it and now aren't really sure how to stop. Like I said, I don't have the fix. I too picked someone who had problems. Somehow I'm still with her. As I get better though and can see more, who knows... I did plenty of wrong tom myself along they way. It was the only way to feel something. I totally get that.
I can relate to the dead feeling you're referring to, like being unable to fully feel. I've not had much success at sorting that out either. I think it's some kind of self-defence mechanism we all have... but where to find the off-switch, I'm still looking. Sometimes I want to feel, sometimes I am afraid to feel. It's kind of weird with me, because I can feel emotion for other people or even fictional characters, yet I can't for myself, I get a massive blank. Don't even ask me how that works because I don't even know how myself.
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content

glacial
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Re: My Story (long)

Post by glacial » Tue Jun 18, 2019 8:56 am

Everything you wrote strikes home. Feeling for others or characters, but a blank when it comes to yourself... I find myself very much there. As opposed to being afraid so much to feel, my brain just switches gears. One minute some feeling is about to happen, then all of a sudden I'm day dreaming or mulling some work dilemma and by the time I realize it, I realize I can't quite get back to that almost feeling. Or sometimes I can, but then its right into another distraction, without any effort.

Was in a session recently and when describing some new memories of yet another traumatic episode (they just keep coming; did not run into a lot of good people as a kid) would get this sense of a heavy, dense, nothingness...all black but somehow very busy and chaotic closing in from all around. It had almost a crushing pressure around my eyes, but at the same time made me feel like I was falling. It felt almost good or exciting for a split second, then regrettable and dreadful. It felt like it could somehow close in to a sort of physical connection on itself right in front of me and that when it almost did it would become overwhelming and turn into more falling or start all over again more intense. After what I thought was 20 minutes, I was told an hour was up. At anytime I could open my eyes and it was like nothing was going on or happening, but I could go right back to it when I closed my eyes. (doing EMDR also...) I could have gone anywhere else either. I felt like I wanted to break through it, but couldn't... There was this dreadful aspect of vulnerability, like being threatened or accused of everything I'd ever been ashamed of. But also of knowing that had these things somehow become present and thrown back at me in the most hurtful manner... I could have just sat there through it, taken it without a scratch, because there's nothing there to scratch... ummm… you ever get that?
Last edited by Serenity on Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included

there
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Re: My Story (long)

Post by there » Tue Jun 18, 2019 11:22 pm

USSDefiant,
When I was in college (Your university), I found a roommate situation that had some positives including low rent. I could walk 20 minutes to classes And was close to someplace I could work.
The downside was my Always nude at home roommates. I had a lot to deal with including fighting mental illness, school work and classes. I kind of had to numb out to it because it was always in my face. I can laugh about it a little bit now, but it was difficult then.
That’s understandable and human that sometimes you want to feel and other times not. If to survive you’ve had to negate your feelings, they become a stronger concern, I Believe. I think it will come for you, being a little more comfortable with feeling.
It seems many of us survivors learned how to feel for others much more than ourselves. Have you ever Seen Kristen Neff’s website? She has some available self compassion meditations you can listen to. Just a thought.
Having made some bad choices in men, I’ve been celibate to. My joke is ‘I’m celibate and I don’t give a f—-!” Seriously, I am about 80% OK with that. I like people and feel like friends are for now enough.
You’ve Accomplished a lot with your life. Kudos to you!
I'm my reality, not somebody else's low opinion.

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