Mothers

[coconuts]

I feel so angry today at my mothers. I walked out of a church meeting when they were having this whole discussion about how wonderful mothers are and how much we owe our mothers and they kept saying " ALL" of us have had our wonderful mothers to be there for us. I couldn't handle it anymore. Good for you people.

My biological mother abandoned me and left me for dead. How's that for a good mom. Spending time in the hospital at 14 months old because I've been in the same one peice outfit for a week and have diaper rash from my head to my toes burned into my skin and I'm severely malnourished. How's that for a mom...what do I owe her?

Then just before I turned 5 my dad married another woman. I was so excited to get a mommy. That didn't last. When the beatings started and she started selling me so she could get drugs. She put me through hell for 7 years.

Thanks Mom for the complex-ptsd. Thanks for the major depressive disorder. Thanks for shattering my psyche. Leaving me to live in fear and humiliation and shame.

I usually only get this frustrated at mothers day which I hate, despite the fact that I'm a mother myself and I love being a mother. I cannot stand when people assume that every mother is worthy of praise and adoration.

[there]

coconuts,
Totally get you.

[sarahoknow]

Totally agree with that (unfortunately!)
I did have a 'normal' mother until I was 9 and then a step auntie who became my 'mother'.
She also doesn't fit with any normal description of how a mother would be expected to act.
And certainly not worthy of any kind of praise or adoration, even though she received plenty from her own church group for raising me in such a righteous way, despite how 'difficult' it was for her.

[earthhorse]

I am so glad you could walk out. You did the right thing to take care of you.

it's like being gaslighted - very triggering. You are absolutely right to feel angry. I also dislike how acknowledging that many women or mothers do not have a mothering instinct, or are actually abusive, is like raining on their parade. It's that horrible feeling that by pointing out the problem, instead of others addressing it, they see me as the problem... I wish the group you were with would acknowledge the children who suffered too, and how common domestic violence is... these 'universally' good mother stereotypes are so incredibly harmful, in myriad ways.

I think gaslighting is one of the hardest things for me, my mother she was so dangerous and cruel. There was no predicting her. I kept having to pay for my existence. I could never make it up to her. I had so little and needed to give everything or more than I had all the time, but also being told I was spoiled and what a great life, family, mother and opportunities I had... nothing was mine. Not even freedom of thought, not even how I escaped, everything was controlled. Not even freedom to see that I was being harmed. Harm, control, pressure = love, cruel to be kind... Whatever goes wrong it is my fault, whatever I achieve it is hers... or worthless.

Your healthy anger shows you have your priorities in the right place coconuts!

Take loving care of you,
EH

[recover]

oh dear coconuts it is very good you walked out. i am so sorry for the terrible severe traumas you suffered at the hands of your "mothers". they don't really deserve to be called mothers.
thank you for all of your support to me.
with much caring support,
recover xo

[iwillthrive]

Oh I’m so with you about mothers. Painfully with you.

[Booklover]

With you on this. That’s one thing I can say every Mother’s Day our church also recognises that not everyone finds it easy but as I said in my post it’s hard when everyone is going on about love your mum well why she didn’t love me.

[sarahoknow]

Yeah I get that completely too booklover.
Our church service on Sunday was all about giving thanks to our mothers for all the love and care they have given us.
My auntie was the only 'mother' that I really had and she gave me nothing of the sort.
I couldn't bring myself to walk out of the church but it was one of the few times I've been tempted to.

[USSDefiant]

I understand totally, some mothers are NOT good or always there for us. Most are, but some of them aren't (believe me, I know because my mother was abusive). Mothers should not be put on some pedestal just because they're mothers, they should be given credit when it's due and ONLY when it's due, just like everyone else in life. We wouldn't put friends or teachers on a pedestal just because, so why do it with mothers? The people who earn credits are those who actually DO help us and be there for us when we need them.