Introducing me, my story of emotional/sexual abuse

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Introducing me, my story of emotional/sexual abuse

Post by Girlandbull » Thu Mar 15, 2018 2:06 am

This is my first time doing this, but I find it so hard carrying around these 'secrets'. They're not entirely secrets, but I feel like they are because it's not acceptable to speak about them. It makes people uncomfortable, and there is never a right time to bring it up. But it shapes my everyday. It's vital in who I am. I want to talk about it. So I've come here.

If this is in the wrong topic please let me know.

I'd like to explain who I am in three stories.

The first story begins when I am 4. My parents have just separated. At one point my father was staying at my aunties house. Around that time I also have a memory of being in the cubby house with my cousin playing. I knew the game well but I have no memory of playing it before. I undressed and pretended to shower. He pretended to be an intruder, and I had to ignore him. You get the idea. I have snippets of later memories, but this is the clearest one. I am terrified. I am frozen. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for it to be over. I am four and I already know that my body is not mine, and that others can inflict so much pain.
In this story, I believe for years a few things. Firstly, I believe that nobody was going to save me, which was true. I also believed that if anyone knew, I would be abandoned. Finally, I tried to believe that it was normal. You see, my cousin is only a few years older than me and we're told our whole lives that exploration is normal. I finally spoke out at 18, nothing was done about it and I was ostracized from the extended family.

Before my second story took place, my mental health collapsed around 12. By 16, I was a wreck. I had attempted suicide once. I was 16 when I became friends with him. One horrible night I lost it at my family, they didn’t understand what was happening to me, they didn’t know what to do. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of pushing and eventually I broke. They sent me to hospital. So I messaged him, told him I couldn’t sleep. We joked, he made me feel normal again. The next day I saw him and we had sex. Afterwards, I found out he was dating somebody. They were both christians, and to respect her purity he decided he would sleep with me. He told me to accept that I would never be a wife or a mother, I’m not that kind of girl. I’m the kind of girl you fuck while you are waiting for the woman you’ll love. We fought and he came over to apologise. We began to kiss and undress, I said no and pulled away. He said it was too late and I must suffer the consequences of turning him on. I was raped. My family was so unhappy already with me I didn’t dare tell them.

I would like to tell you my final story, but it is my hardest story. The story I have never told anyone outside of the psych office. It makes me panic even thinking of putting it out there. But I need people to know. I need to know it is real.

Throughout all of this, there was my mother. I love her so dearly and we are very close. I don’t know where this story begins, but it begins before me. I think it may have begun with her mother, or maybe even further up the family tree. My mother received little attention and affection from her mother, and she had to push away her feelings. Until she had a daughter, me. My mother was so anxious when she had me, she called me her miracle child. She told her miracle child everything, she held her when she cried and she turned to her when her emotions got to hot. The child was a friend, a mother, a partner. She didn’t often get the chance to be a daughter. The child, me, believed she had to push down her own emotions to accomodate her mothers. She learnt not to voice her needs. She learnt if she caused trouble, her mother wouldn’t just be upset. She would stop loving her. I learnt the rules of the game early and nobody even noticed I was playing it. In fact, I was always blamed when things went wrong. Blamed when she left for a week because she couldn’t bare to see me, blamed when she lied on the ground telling me She was going to kill herself. She told me if I ever left her she was staple herself to the door. She would hold me down because she was afraid.

I’d like to add one last story, a bonus story. It’s set now. I’ve had a lot of counselling I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and I’m medicated. Me and my mother have grown, we don’t talk about the hard things. I’m trying to learn how to love and trust, but it is so difficult because I’m so traumatised by trying to love in the past. It seems 90% of the time everything is normal, like non of it ever happened, but 10% of the time I’m broken. And I carry that burden of breaking. How am I going to carry this for the rest of my life? Especially when I still haven’t learnt that it’s okay to have my own strong emotions, that it’s okay to need people. I feel like navigating this life I still have my legs ready to run and any given moment, searching every room for danger. I don’t know how to be any other way.
Last edited by Ashia on Sat Mar 17, 2018 7:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT

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Re: Introducing me, my story of emotional/sexual abuse

Post by Shirley » Thu Mar 15, 2018 4:19 am

Hi girlandbull,
Welcome, although sorry for what happened and why you are here.
I know how it feels to want to tell and talk about it absolutely. I’m the same. I understand it taking over your everyday too.
I haven’t been here very long but have found comfort and understanding here.
I hope you do too.
Thanks for sharing.

Last edited by Ashia on Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
There is always a silver lining.

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Re: Introducing me, my story of emotional/sexual abuse

Post by Xanthia » Fri Mar 16, 2018 12:08 am

Hi Girlandbull,

Firstly, welcome to our friendly community. And congratulations for such a courageous introductory post. I trust that it is a positive step to have shared the "secrets".

I am very sorry about your stories. Four years old is a time of play and exploration, but it is not supposed to be hurtful or harmful. As for that young man, I feel angry about the whole scenario.

I am glad you and your mother have grown. It sounds like it was a tough time for you both when you were young.

Unfortunately, family members weren't helpful and I'm sad that you were ostracized. I hope you have reconciled, are now part of your family.

Mental health issues are seldom discussed in society, despite all the campaigns to raise awareness. Likewise, abuse. ISurvive exists to help support people who have experiences similar to what has happened in your life.

May you find peace and happiness you deserve.

Wishing you very well in all respects,

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Re: Introducing me, my story of emotional/sexual abuse

Post by Ashia » Sat Sep 01, 2018 8:33 pm

Hi Girlandbull

Just wanting to check in and see how things are with you. :)

With caring

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