oh, thank ya all for yer kind replies.
barrium test - ive had em b4 - & surprise, suprise, guess what? im STILL 'moderate to severe'ly dysphagiac!! damn burro-ack!-accy, needs 'current proof' of ... DIS. but since pc has already ordered the GI port (but ive yer to make appt w/ the GI, altho ive had the referal for bout a month... hmm, go figger - 'lagger me'
psyche stuff - all sounded too good to be true, & probly is ...... they have all these diff groups - ptsd/trauma, (fine) art, craft, music, relaxation, gender specific..... & t's, & pdoc; they provide transpo & snack/meal .....
WARNING: the following bit may be triggering for some, as some specific details will be shared
so, the intake s/w comes to my apt to do her thing. she dinna seem to believe me that i'd only been to p-hosp once. kept askin bout other/prior hopsitazations. i kept tellin her no. we move on to other things, like my medical stuff. she seems ... impatient. w/ the 'name/rank cereal' stuff, she repeted back #'s that were NOT what i said. then she gives me wrong #'s for other info. we get to my mental staus/dx - i tell her ptsd w/ depression & a lil anxiety. she asks about schizophrenia, personality disorders, the 'serious' illnesses & again seems to doubt me hen i 'deny' other dx's. tells me all about 'the programs' - start at 9am, do an hr group, break, do another hr groups, lunch, another hr group, & bam! yer done at 1:30pm. my excitment fadess - thas a f-lot of 'therapy'!!!! & 'being present'. dunna that i can do that the 5 days a wk shes suggestin. well, she says, ya van come 3x/wk. i say - let me get pdoc & t b4 i deside on group. she insists i'll like it, & signs me up for a tour. ( i called & canceled it) played phone tag w/ her about gettin the pdoc appt, but i got it - saw him .... this k. but ive gotten ahead-a myself. still durin the home visit ( & i still had boxes & bags AllOverEverywhere) - as im tellin her my life tail, - & ino its a lil complicated, i kinda had 3 fams ..... but she cant keep the story straight, & as she's kinda gettin it, she asks more personal qustions about the sexual abuse - i dinna wanna tell her, but i did - to me, this was more a question/issue for my t, no the intake ...... she wanted to know the extent of the molestation, how many times, was there penetration, was there oral, was the penetration finger, prick, or object, was the oral him or me, did my mother know........... wow. it was very triggering, upsetting, & ... deeply unsteetling. <deep breaths!> then when i walked her out (need-a-chip to open door), she stops & asks - is yer disabilities for mostly MEDICAL things? ( FUCK ALMIGHTY!!) i reply yes - orig, it was, but now, its probly both. she kinda nods * walks off....
during the 'phone tag' [phase, she was rather .... abrupt, (rude, abusive?) - calls to ask why i think yhe dysphagia makes me dizzy ( uh....!) - cuz i dont get enuff food in me - DUH!!) as im also tellin her that im cancelin the tour, cuz i have an apt inspection that fri, & will be dealin w/ my boxes & bags.. she's snotty as i ask about gettin the pdoc appt. she sez that the drs time is valuable, & i ned to be avil when they are, & keep appt; asks about my sched for this wk, & i tell her, & she says she'll call back w/ my appt time/date. then calls to ask more about why g'folx put me w/ bio-mom, if they knew she was f'd up. i said i dont know, offered the tired old guesses ive always told - the 'look good' looked good; they were gettin old/sick, ... who nose? she finally calls me w/ pdoc appt & is very abrupt.
so, i think she thot i was mentally f'ad than i am & was workin onna wrong assumption. i find im VERY offened by her 'tude.
i go to the hosp, where the outpatient psyche is located - it was an OLD hosp - all crumbling plaster, moldings, arches, & w/ new buildings & wings connected to it. all the old enterances were chained/locked/barracaded - spooky archways & crumbing steps, & old carvings pointing to closed walkways..... walk round the whole damn thing b4 finding a viable enterance - the ER, as construction blocks the new main enterance. at the desk, i ask how to get to 'b2', & a volunteer leads up & round & thru & down & all around, to the basement level of the old part-a the hosp. it was creepy, IS creepy. once in 'b2', 2 nurses hover over me, taking a 'quick' herstory, & my vitals. one is alarmed at my (normal for me) low bp. runs to get me huce, more drink, & tske it agin, & she's much happier. she takes to another lil room in this long, narrow, crowded, old & intros me to 'dr d' who is about 2929999 yrs old, & slower than a constipated turtle. takes another not-so-quick herstory - he dinna close the door, & there was a wedge to keep it open. & he says he cant heaer, & i say i cant hear, & he t..y..p..e..s R...E....A...L.....I.....Y s l o w l y & eventually agress w/ my dx, & s l o w l y flips thru the binder on me (!?!!)& asks which meds is handling. oy! i tell him, the nurse hovering verify pharm, buh-bye; back to 1st rom to make next months apt.
i dont have a t (yet) & am (obviously!) takin a break from t. the goup thing - i asked the nurse - diff goups on diff days - i *mite* be able ONE day a wk, lemme deal w/ my other med stuff 1st - maybe next month?
thing, i dont do morninfs (well) - im in pain, stiff, grumpy, hungrey..... in order for me to be ready to be p/u between 8 & 830am, i'd hafta get up around 530 6am. & id STILL be stiff, grumpy, etc.... im a nite owl. always have been, & when workin R&R, it was a perfect fit. AND ive got insomnia & sleep apnea (did i tell y'all my cpap was packed w/ dirty dishes?!?!?! - things from completely diff areas of apt 'packed' together - really seems there was sum 'FU' in this. but anyway - if im lucky, i fall asleep around 1am, & wake around 9am. it usually takes me about 2 hrs to get 'ready for the day' - if im not showering/washing hair. - stretches & 'bed yoga' is 40 minnits - 1 hr, washing self takes bout 20 minnits; gettin dressed takes bout 20 minnits. eatin takes 40minnits - 1 hr. i may need a lil more 'bed yoga'. to SIT in 3 groups, ( & probly SIT durin breaks) - & the ride there & back is bout a 1/2 hr each way. plus whatever 'deep shit' mite come up in these groups - yes, it scares me. & i DO wanna do ..... the art, or craft, or relaxation, &/or the trauma, but NO WAY i can do that much .... 'structured activity' - i need to get flat for .... a min of 20 minnits, several times a day. MAYBE thers a space where i can do that - i dunno. alotta thois stuff is designed for folx just outta phosp, or 'seriously ill' & in need of ...... supervision. so, im resistant to that too. but i COULD (UG!) gte up early ONE day a wk..............
oh! - the multiverse has provided me w/ 'miracle money' several times the last few wks - i will list them each separately, a gratitude list of $orts:
1) at the dollar store - i was havin trouble pushin the rite buttons on the machine, there were long lines, the guy behind (who only had one item - i hadda a bunch-a stuff - mop, broom, bleach, munchis, etc .....$46.37 worth-a stuff) he said he'd pay it, put it on his bill. i was floored (lookin for the hidden cam) he wouldna acept a hug, & i hadda kinda pull a name outta him - said i wanted my thanks this nite to go where they were directed kinda thing. i walked around the corner & stopped, tears spilling & heart beating .... & the guard comes & asks for my reciept. told him i dinna have one, that a guy had 'miracled' me. he went away ... guess no good deed goes unpunished..??....
2) was sittin on the porch-a the 'likker store', smokin a cig, & this gal asks i need anything, i say no, im good; she says lemme give ya a real cig (i was smokin a 'cigar' cig) she gives me about 5 cigs from her pack. asks if i want a drink, beer, a pint - i tell her i dont drink. she suggests a soda. i say root beer. she goes in the stroe, & comes out, gives me a soda, a pack-a cigs, & $7.72. durin this all, she's talkin bout her b/f, abuse, going to a safe house, & im tryin to be supportive, not sure wtf is goin on, what to do - i was just kickin it....... weird encounter
3) sittin in front-a my apt snokin a cig, this guy walks by, turns back & hands me a dollar.
hmm .... by now, im kinda wonderin how i 'present' in public........... folx seem to think im .... 'needful' (which i am, but thot i .... wore it well/hidden...)
4) at the bus stop the other day, find a wallet on the bench. it has $322 in cash, & several bus passes. no ID, no 'clues' as to how to get it back to its owner ....... feel bad someone lost it, but ..... %HANK YOU, MULTIVERSE!!!
writin all this has shown me tha .... 'balance'(?!) in my life