eyes opening

[takemylifeback]

A man well into middle age, I am just now starting to see how much my life has been effected by allowing myself to be walked on. I am seeing this now in some volunteer work that I am doing, how people are able to walk all over me, and then make it like I have some kind of a problem and am not being "flexible". When in fact they are the ones who are unwilling to work with others and who are treating me like a piece of dirt.

And I am now coming to understand that I do come across as odd to people, as different, not on the surface, but at core. I know that this was because of the environment I grew up in and the ways I was used. I was treated with complete contempt, othered, invalidated continually.

And I see now how this has totally undermined my efforts at education, career building, and especially intimate relationships. And I also know how this is all being compounded by the ways in which I was effected by familial sexual abuses.

[takemylifeback]

Emotional Abuse?

Yes it is like that for me too, only I've lived for decades without knowing it, and without knowing how it had effected me. Education, career, basic interpersonal relationships, and especially intimate relationships, all made horrible. Mostly because of the intense emotional abuse I was subjected to. And I will never have an ordinary biography, and never be able to have a place in this world, as I have to go way beyond it.

[recover]

hi takingmylifeback,
just want you to know i read your words and am offering support.
it is good to meet you although i am sorry you need to be here.
warmly,
recover

[Welkin]

I understand exactly that feeling of being an outsider. It started and continued with my family: always discrediting me, discounting me, pushing me away and destroying my self-esteem, then continued in school especially after I gained weight around 8 yrs old. If I wasn't a victim I was a rebel, if I wasn't a gross loser beneath everyone's notice I was a scapegoat and victim when I got attention. The only person I was allowed to be in my family of origin was a target for everyone's neuroses and a punching bag for their aggression. Needless to say I never had anyone defend me when the additional abuse by those outside my family began, either.

I feel for you. I go around feeling weird, in fact I'm highly sensitive and know I come across as odd at times to others. Something about my tone of voice, the things I say, the way I look. I try hard but unless I make a supreme effort, people stare. The older I get the less I engage and speak up or have a social life. Only recently I was verbally and emotionally abused in a situation I felt helpless in and the old feeling of outrage returned, my excema and headaches flared up, as I was blamed for being the cause of this authority figures (actually it was two of them in cahoots, but anyway, for another post) hostility, when in fact they were just behaving deplorably and dishonestly with no regard for my legal rights or mental/physical well-being because they could get away with it and were jackasses.

I know it's frustrating feeling like you don't belong. I feel that way too almost all the time. It's one of things so far I haven't found a cure for, but you aren't alone in seeing yourself that way. Peace and best wishes.