I don’t know what to do or think *Triggers - swearing*

[Nighter]

This is Katie. Not sure where to put this. It has to do with me and Lex and not Nighter (DID) but it has questions about abuse in it.... so I guess it goes in here…?

I just had a “fight” with "the" (our/my) mother for the first time….but I didn’t think she would be offended at all and I wasn’t being mean or anything. I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Thankfully, Lex came in near the end and actually settled the argument really quick….

Anyways....I wrote this because I think I need to figure this out. I think the mother might be abusive….but I’m not sure. I feel really bad for what happened and I don’t really understand even why it happened. I really was just trying to be fair and honest with her….just trying to be a good person.

So if anyone is game enough to read this and offer whatever they think, advice or anything would be really good because I don’t know what to do.

*Trigger warning – swearing + argument*

Here’s the back story of it (sorry about the length of the whole thing)

Last week the mother took the money I was giving to her for board, rent and food… and used it to pay for a packet of cigarettes.

This afternoon I asked her politely and calmly that when she had some money to spare, could she return the 20 dollars she spent on cigarettes to me so I could put the money where it’s supposed to go.

She got angry immediately, started yellingand this is some of the things that she said:
“Most kid’s parents give them $20 a fortnight, not $100!”

I rejected that as being true on the spot and replied “I’m not a kid, I’m 18. No parents would do that to an adult.”

She then yelled, “Ok then, How about YOU clean up around here for once and I’ll give you the money!”

I said “No. I won’t clean the house as punishment for asking you to give me the money you owe me.”

She denied it was punishment so I asked her “If its not then why are you telling me to do it for the money you owe me rather than another time when you actually think this house needs cleaning? I would clean whatever you ask me to, but you never ask and tell me it’s not good enough when I do clean….so that’s why I don’t do it anymore…”

She didn’t react and stormed out of the room.

I didn’t want to end it on a bad note so I followed her and said to her “Look, I don’t want to argue. I was just suggesting that you pay for your own addictions with your own money, and return the money you used on cigarettes without my permission. It’s nothing personal, it’s just fair. It’s the way we agreed on it being when I first started giving you more than half my pay.”

She then lied and said, “All of your money goes to food and nothing else!”

When I pressed her by telling her I knew she’d spent my pay on cigarettes (because she said it herself to get me to give her my pay early in the morning, because she’d run out of smokes) she changed her story from it being spent on food, to rent, and then when I asked her why she kept changing her story she yelled “Your money goes wherever it goes! I don’t know! I get it and I pay for the things I need!”

I didn’t reply to this because I couldn’t believe she could be so selfish. That she actually wasn’t being honest with me at all and now in anger the truth had come right out of her mouth. She doesn’t care about me and that hurts a lot.

She then said, “Ugh, I can’t deal with this! I told you I didn’t feel well! I’m sick so I don’t want to talk about this anymore! How can you be this way to me when I don’t feel well?! You don’t care about me at all!Leave me alone!”

I felt really bad and almost started crying. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

I was about to say that I was sorry, that I did care about her and that I’d clean the house and she could use my money for whatever she wanted when Lex woke up and came out. I was still watching, but she was the one talking and moving.

Lex said “you ALWAYS complain that you feel ill every day and never go to the doctor’s about it, so of course I tried to talk to you about this EVEN THOUGH you feel ill because your NEVER feeling good anyway! Half the time you don’t even mean it when you complain about feeling ill because if you did you’d actually get some HELP for a change! So don’t play that shit with me. I want my money to go where it’s meant to go!”

The mother said “OK, fine, when we get a housing department place you can pay for your OWN food, rent and bills!”

Lex replied “this isn’t about me wanting to pay for my own shit, which I already do through you. It’s about me paying for YOUR addictions instead of my own shit! It’s about YOU being a liar and a thief too!”

The mother then yelled “OK how about I just buy all my own cigarettes next Thursday and then we won’t have any money left for RENT! How would you like that?!"

Lex said “Ok then! You do that! I don’t give a fuck because hey maybe then your health would IMPROVE due to the fact that you are actually using your own cash! And maybe then I can even know that you can keep your word for once in your life!”

(The mother started rolling a cigarrete as Lex said this. I wonder whether it was deliberate to make us even angrier.)

Before she could finish rolling the smoke she got up and walked right past lex, ripped the most recent bills off the fridge and shoved them in our face and yelled “OK, how about I ask you to pay this bill? Half of it’s yours anyway! And how about THIS ONE! Don’t you understand?! Can’t you see how much I have to spend on this!! Look at what I have to deal with!”

Lex then said to her seriously “that’s bills, which MY money should help pay EVERY week if you didn’t spend it on your shit! Bills have NOTHING to do with this!I asked you to give me the money you STOLE from me to pay for your cancer sticks WHEN YOU COULD AFFORD IT! So don’t throw it in my face that I’m trying to make you pay up cash you don’t have or can’t afford right now, because I’m NOT.”

The mother made a tired noise, like a huge frustrated sigh and looked at the ceiling and shook her head.

Lex got angry about that, walked up to her, looked her in the eye and said in her own voice (her own deep angry voice, not mine or Nighters.) “I want YOU to pay for YOUR own cigarette’s and alcohol and gambling with YOUR own money, not mine. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?”

Mother started making an excuse. Lex cut her off. “MY money is going to go to paying for MY food, MY bills and MY rent and NOTHING ELSE!...DO YOU UNDERSTAND!”

The mother glared at lex for a moment (I’d never seen this look on her face before, it was scary and I wondered whether she was going to attack us.) and then she said through her teeth “I understand. I will put your money in the correct places.” She stressed the word “correct” for some reason.

Lex grinned and said “Good, that’s all I wanted. You didn’t have to go off your head about it and try to fuck me up.”

Then went to our room and shut the door….and I started writing this.

I’ve never seen this side of the mother before, it was terrible and I was shaking and so scared of her.

Is what just happened abusive?
Am I just overreacting?
What did I do wrong?
How do I stop this from happening again?

I feel so bad and wrong and dirty. I wish I could just disappear. This is all my fault.

I couldn't even do it right. She didn't agree to give the money back. I feel like a failiure.

I don't know what to do.

[SparklingDawn]

Hi, Nighter....

Certainly there is emotional abuse going on here.

A normal parent would sit down with her child and discuss any issue which is hurting or bothering said child. That's what I would do with one of my grown children. I wouldn't have done or said anything that your mother did or said. I would calmly talk to my child about what was bothering her, and we would work to come up with a solution. If I had done something wrong, then I would apologize.....and I would be sure it was a sincere apology.

But your mom was trying to justify her lying and also justify her irresponsible behavior. She wanted you to allow her to do exactly what she wants to do with your money, because in her mind she thinks she is entitled.

So, instead of your feeling bad for confronting her, I hope you can understand that your mother acted childishly and immaturely.......and also selfishly. Plus, she is showing no concern for you and your feelings, nor is she showing you the respect you deserve. Sure you feel guilty and bad......that's due to her manipulation.......it's all structured around controlling you by making you feel bad, guilty, and horrible. Throw some shame in there, too, and then you will be the one who goes back and begs her forgiveness for being so "bad." Except, you weren't being bad. There's the cycle.

I know it's hard to stand up to a parent who is emotionally abusive. But it is important not to allow emotional abusers to control us.

Warmly,
D

[silentlistener]

Hi Katie,

first, you didn't do anything wrong and a perfect example of the role reversal that I have read about. it is commonly called parentification. It is sad and inappropriate. I feel outrage that you had to be the one to challenge your mother's irresponsible financial behavior. This is incredibly childish on your mother's part. I understand why you would feel as you do. She used a lot of manipulative tactics, such as denial and lying. She should have to take responsibility for her actions, irresponsible as they are, by supporting her own addiction. You have every right to demand your money back. By the way, we haven't met so it is nice to meet you. I am sorry that you had to watch that although I am glad you were defended by Lex. Yes, as your intuition tells you, this was emotionally abusive. I want you to know that I have found this to be a very supportive environment, and I hope you will too.

Lex, I think it is ironic that you had to defend yourself against an adult. It is highly inappropriate though I realize that is what you have always had to do. I support you and will be around to listen to what anyone wants to share.\\SL

[silentlistener]

HI Kate et al,

I know things have been difficult for you lately. I was wondering how you were doing. I hope you know that you did not do anything wrong. I am thinking of you,

SL

[Nighter]

Thanks for replying and helping me figure things out.

Feeling really switchy atm and huge headache so I'll make it short.

She gave us $20 today "to buy lunch." Not even sure if it's for the smokes or whether she just thought we didnt have enough food for me to make my own lunch...or something.

It's confusing, because if it was for the smokes and shes not admitting it then nothing has changed and she thinks she did nothing wrong.

If it wasn't for the smokes then we're feeling confused because she just gave us the amount of money she owes us for something totally unrelated. If thats true then that means that the food is more important to her than me or the entire situation with the smokes...thats double rejection.

so does that still count as payment?

Beginning to wonder whether she did this on purpose just to make me feel crazy and confused....*sigh*

I want to ask her about it but I'm too scared.

Katie

ps - sorry for all the flicking between me and "we"...being switchy does that. Hope it made sense.

[silentlistener]

Hi Katie,

You have no need to apologize. She is trying to placate and manipulate you. I think it was for food and because she knew she owed you for the smokes. She won't admit this because she is using denial to keep from admitting her guilt.
Food is more important though. I understand how this can make you feel crazy.
If you ask, she may guilt-trip you so I wouldn't. It will only cause you more pain by expecting a different response. I send safe support. Feel free to write if you want to talk about anything else.
It can be hard to figure otu the motives of adults sometimes.

SL

[freshstart]

Hi there,

I'm jumping in late on this, so forgive me if my thoughts aren't applicable. I'm wondering if you could write down a set of guidelines for how much, when, etc, money you will give your mom. Then maybe add in a few lines about where the money is supposed to go. Sort of like a contract for both of you to follow? I'm not sure if it would work, but it's a thought. It sounds like you handled the situation pretty well in my mind.

[Nighter]

Never too late.

I havent been told how much money she uses for what. She wont tell me the truth about how much she pays for rent, food, bills...etc.

So yeh, I wont be able to do it if shes not going to be honest with me.

To put things into perspective with this argument as well as others like this she has said to me afterward "well, you started it," so...to be perfectly honest, she isn't going to handle any of this like an adult. It's pretty much a lost cause as far as I can tell.

Wish I had a "real" parent....

[silentlistener]

Hi,

Yeah, it is pretty clear she won't be mature enough to be honest with you. sorry.

SL

[Sheep]

Nighter,

All I have to say is "Manipulation, manipulation, manipulation." My father did that often - to my mother and to us 5 kids.

Sorry,

Sheep