Does it get better?

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victoria
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Does it get better?

Post by victoria » Wed Mar 16, 2016 6:14 am

It's been a long time and I feel that while I've long been removed from the situation and have been in something positive and have a good life now by all standards, it just hangs with me. My confidence was broken long ago, self esteem gone. I blame(d) -- (I still do to an extent, I could've changed my circumstances had I been brave) myself and so I hated myself for it, for everything. And now it's been about 10 years and I still struggle to find the good in myself. I struggle to look in the mirror without cringing a bit and it's infuriating. Surely there are good things to me, my husband has only the nicest of things to say and yet it's like I can't believe him because I can't see it. I try, I have tried but it's not there. I still have to fake the confidence that's not there and it's draining. I try to tell myself that I am smart, I am not ugly, I am whatever, and the words, even in my head, just feel completely fraudulent. I don't know it just makes me frustrated with myself and depressed at times because I feel like it shouldn't be this way anymore--which in the end makes me hate myself just a bit more for still being affected by it all. So I guess I'm wondering if any of you who have had a similar experience and were able to come out of it, what did you do to at least become content with yourself? Or maybe it's just that confidence is one of those things you can't get back and self doubt forever takes its place, I'm really not sure. I hope not.

Edited one time to change MT to NT
Maybe if everything was beautiful, nothing would be.

Harmony
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Harmony » Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:02 pm

Dear victoria,

Things can definitely get better but it takes change. Change takes work and takes time. Often it takes having a good guide. For most survivors of abuse it takes a good therapist to help change old worn out self defeating patterns. If it were easy you wouldn't feel this way.

Choose the challenge and you will have the opportunity to feel better. We are here for your support as you make those changes and face the challenges. There is no magic thing that makes it all better.

with care,
Harmony

PeacefulNinja
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by PeacefulNinja » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Hi Victoria,

I echo what Harmony said. It does get better especially when you have good "guides". I am growing in self-confidence and self-acceptance but it has been baby steps. I have found that therapy has helped a lot. Sharing here as a member for many years helped a lot and finally sharing with people in my circle has helped. I have come to realize that the shame is not mine but this has taken years and years of work. It has only been in the last 3 years that anyone knew beside my T. Allowing loved ones to know helped me to realize that truly the shame was not mine.

I hope that you will find guides too.

Here and caring if you want to same more.

PeacefulNinja

Fleur
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Fleur » Fri Mar 18, 2016 12:07 pm

Hello Victoria

How I relate to your post -- and your topic's question
The energy necessary to live each day can be very difficult and draining as you say

One tip is to challenge feelings of negativity -- I'm a work in progress on this and finding it is helping me
Sure it takes effort but gets easier over time
Whatever negative thought arises find a minimum of 3 (more is better but 3 can be difficult at first) things to think in a positive way
Make the phrases in positive present tense
That means no don't or neutral phrases such as if the negativity is around appearance :
I look ugly - it won't help to say I'm not ugly 3 times
Or even I'm dressed okay or non specifics
Instead aim for counters such as I've a lovely smile, I can cover my hair with a pretty scarf (if it's a bad hair day) or if you use cosmetics determine a more becoming or bolder look

I select clothing previous evening when I have something planned for the following day
Averts several issues for me as well as bolstering self confidence knowing that I'm wearing flattering /matched attire

Your husband sounds very supportive so maybe you can play with words and have him onside to quietly remind you when you slip from positives

When complimented say thank you for noticing what ever has been mentioned
Say this aloud to the person and then repeat the compliment to yourself
Write the comment in a notebook you can reflect on in future

Hope sharing this helps you Victoria to make small changes, take baby steps, for desirable big effect
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

Jonesy
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Jonesy » Fri Mar 18, 2016 5:15 pm

Fleur wrote:When complimented say thank you for noticing what ever has been mentioned
Say this aloud to the person and then repeat the compliment to yourself
Love that tip from Fleur - going to try it for myself ;)
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

victoria
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by victoria » Tue Mar 22, 2016 5:46 am

Thank you for the tips everyone. I have tried talking to people about it but it feels like one of those things, unless you've been there... they don't really see I guess. I think my husband thinks that it's like a match equation sometimes, if he says enough positives it'll cancel out all of the things that pulled me down in the first place. He's sweet though, but I can't really talk to him about these types of things. Maybe I should try a therapist one day but I've never much liked the idea of it. Both of my sisters have gone, one says it helps some, the other didn't feel like it changed anything. I felt like I've always had the best progression when talking with people who know me and who've had at least somewhat similar experiences, but the couple friends I did have like that aren't around much anymore.

Fleur, you have some really great ideas. I think that's what I'm looking for is something to do with myself to try to work it out I guess. And I know it will take time, but it is something I want to try harder for. It's funny about the compliment technique you mentioned, because I do the complete opposite. If my husband compliments me I'm like 'no, I'm not' instead of accepting it for what it is. I guess it feels like accepting it is acknowledging that I agree with it and I don't? But I need to try to, so I will try that out, I'm sure that one will take a bit to feel comfortable to do. I do accept compliments from others, but I guess that's more out of politeness, and I certainly don't think them of myself afterwards.

I have read that writing in a journal helps some people, so I've started to do that some although more when I'm feeling down if anything, so maybe I can get it out and let it go. It works that way some days, others not so much. I know I have good qualities, there are just so many more negatives that tend to outweigh those and this deep self-doubt that I that holds me back from doing things. I think it's a lot like having an eating disorder, which I've had before (maybe still do a little), where it's all so much more exaggerated in my mind and getting past that false perception is just so difficult. I think I'm rambling out my thoughts now, but thank you. I will definitely try those Fleur and I'm glad that it's helping you, it always makes me smile to see someone overcoming something difficult and finding the light in a hard situation.
Maybe if everything was beautiful, nothing would be.

Fleur
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Fleur » Tue Mar 22, 2016 11:42 pm

Hello Victoria

As you journal, please get into the habit of noting minimum of 3 things for which you are thankful
Gratitude can be useful as an antidote for feeling low
A few years ago a women's group I joined were challenged to list 1000 things for which we were grateful
Our gratitude diary became a lifeline for those days where we couldn't see beyond despair

There were and still are days I have bother thinking of a single item yet other times I'm writing lots
The lowest hours are more fleeting and farther apart

Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

Xanthia
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Xanthia » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:40 am

Hi victoria,

May life have truly become brighter since you last posted here.

As today is your birthday, I'm taking the opportunity to wish you a great start to your personal new year. May you have many positives today and during the next 12 months.

Sending what you might like for your healing journey.

With care,
Xanthia

Ashia
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Re: Does it get better?

Post by Ashia » Sat Sep 01, 2018 8:30 pm

Hi victoria

Just checking in, wondering how things are with you.

With caring
Ashia

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