Letting go

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honeybera
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Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Thu Nov 28, 2019 6:19 am

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!! :mrgreen:

I've been busy cleaning the garage and cleaning up the house and doing my keto cookbook. I insisted that I be changed on my CBT therapy from the pain group to the depression group (which is the group geared more towards getting things DONE rather than dwelling on pain). I am thrilled! Now it's finally helping me get things done and not feel so down about it! The T and coach are both very supportive (so much better than my last T!!! :roll: ), yet they encourage me to get more done...and that makes it easier for me to work through my old Inner Critic interrupting me constantly and attempting to discourage me.

Today I sorted ANCIENT papers from my little desk (assembled and stained and varnished by me when I lived out behind my grandparents house as their caregivers in 1974-75) and some of the papers inside it were priceless. I'm glad I took the time to go through them one by one. Journals written by me, a letter and birthday card from my beloved Aunt J (cousin R's mom and MD's sister) who committed suicide a few years later, keepsakes from my kids when they were little (drawings and writings), real things that I'll make a spot for inside. I even know where they'll be kept. I don't need to be draconian about getting rid of stuff or keeping it, but my new rule is "if I want to keep it, it must have a permanent, out-of-the-way home and be kept there. Otherwise, out it goes." My other steadfast rule is that once it's clean, it needs to be kept up. I've been doing this for a while, so whole areas are tidy now. It's not perfect, but it's getting there! I filled up nearly a third of a 96 gallon garbage can out in the garage so far and I've cleared one half of my kitchen table and my sideboards are CLEAN!! :mrgreen:

There is plenty more to go. I'm getting ready for a garage sale. I'm nervous about it, but whatever I don't sell, I'll just donate it! Once the garage floor is cleared off, then it's inside (to the front room) and tear out that old carpet and have an installer lay down wood like vinyl planks. I also have a very large "throw carpet" to lay down on top of that. It should look very nice. Then we can have company over. How nice is that!

Bedtime now. Need my beauty rest for my garage work tomorrow. :lol:

Honeybera

Mick
Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2019 5:41 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Mick » Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:28 am

honeybera wrote:
Thu Nov 14, 2019 8:36 pm


I have some real TRUST issues!! J said that they can help me work on those, and I am glad and grateful. They're helping me to SEE how it was that I managed to cope with MD's abuse of me, and how I even survived, both physically and emotionally!! It wasn't easy, and I feel that I'm lucky to have been as stubborn and ornery as I was and to SELF-protect myself since no one else saw fit to do it for me. But now it's time to reparent myself. I don't like a cluttered house, garage, and neglected garden. But I don't feel so bad that it's the way it is. In fact, I feel good that I made it through ALIVE and in one piece, maybe damaged, but STILL HERE.

I am going back and reading so much of your stuff. It resonates. No one gets it unless they have been there.

I had to highlight that. Not sure about re parenting one self, my journey of discovery just keeps on going. Not sure when or if it ends. But the make it out alive bit. I love that.

My wife is a survivor of a very nasty father and a weak mother. One brother is living in a bed sit on govt pension where he has wound up, the other after inheriting big money from his ex wife and remarrying well has managed to put himself under a huge rock he will kill himself (stress) to get out. Both wrecks.

My darling wife will one day probably die trapped under a pile of newspapers. Her son if I am no loner there will call every day though, to make sure it does not happen. The two boys love her dearly and the youngest is very close as he has had a very hard life with some significant inherited medical issues.

Last year to help, while she was away I sorted her "desk notes" into three piles. Ones I knew were outdated, ones that I knew were just maths calcs, and ones I was not sure about. It took quite a while. When she saw it she emitted a small scream and her pulse jumped, although I kept reassuring her I had not thrown our anything. The pile is now back on the desk getting higher each week.

I collect, comics books etc (my son says collectors are hoarders who think their stuff is worth something). So we have a lot of stuff.

Break through was inviting our son's long term girl friend into the house. At least she now knows what she is getting into.

Good luck with the new T and life coach.
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Nov 29, 2019 5:44 am

Today is a day of giving thanks...and so I'm cleaning up my room: washing ALL my bedding, even fluffing my pillows in the dryer (eliminates all cooties that naturally congregate, like mites), vacuuming the carpets and washing the throw rugs (all 3 of them), shredding unwanted junk mail that has been piling up, and dusting with Lemon Pledge (leaving a nice smell, too). It's 6 pm now, I'm already halfway finished (what a lovely word: FINISHED!), and I should be all done by around 9 or 10 pm. Then it's first jumping into the shower and then jumping into my nice CLEAN bed!! MM-mm!! If that's not something to be thankful for, I don't know what is!! :P

Like I said before, the new self-imposed RULE is: once it's clean, KEEP IT CLEAN! So that's just what I'm doing. I don't know how CBT works, but it DOES work!! I even RE-cleared my kitchen table this afternoon. I was just puttering around and before I knew it, I was washing off the table with soap and water where I'd straightened it up, moved stuff, and TODAY (NOT "tomorrow") I'll bring in one of the folding Samsonite chairs from the garage to place at the kitchen table so I can do recipes there or whatever right at the kitchen table! HALLELUJAH!!!! I'm also moving my Breville food processor and my KitchenAid stand mixer over to a place on the sideboard for much easier access. But then I realized that there aren't any working electrical outlet over there,,,YET! The electrician promised Tuesday ("probably") AND quoted me $520.00 for EVERYTHING (INCLUDING new bathroom fixtures for both bathrooms), but he never showed. I am WAITING patiently and reminding myself that this is a hectic holiday weekend. :roll:

I also bought myself a really nice bread making machine and it is scheduled to arrive the day before my birthday. It's my present for me. One of my other ones died (right in the middle of making a rather expensive Keto loaf!! :x ), so I decided to just BUY this new one that I've had my eye on for some time now. It has all the bells and whistles that I want, but didn't want to spend the money on just in case I didn't like making keto bread or couldn't get the hang of it or w/e. But that hasn't worked out to be the case AT ALL, so I splurged! :mrgreen: I make two loaves at a time now about once or twice a week, slice them up, and put them in Ziplocs in the fridge. They don't last long enough to go bad. :lol: They make wonderful toast and great sandwiches, too. We are gluten tolerant, so we don't need to worry about all the gluten in this particular bread recipe, but it's LOADED with fiber (from many sources) and prebiotics. Plus I take a probiotic pill, and all combined the bread actually soothes my gut. And I top my bread with Chicken Salad (sometimes spiced with curry - SO YUM!), Bacon and Tomato, Tuna Salad, Egg Salad, Fried Egg Sandwich with sausage, bacon, or ham, and even just toasted topped with freshly ground peanut butter or almond butter (sometimes with cinnamon added, but NO SUGAR ADDED!) + butter and even SF jam or jelly (Nature's Hollow @ netrition dot com is my favorite). One heck of a nice sandwich, no matter how it's eaten!

==================================(an hour and 15 min. later)

OMG!! I went on netrition dot com (an old low carb favorite website - they have a LOT of good stuff!) and FOUND Lily's MILK CHOCOLATE CHIPS! Only 2 net carbs for 18 chips! MILK CHOCOLATE!!! Unheard of! Lily's is a really good brand! I AM STOKED!!! I already have a bunch of bags of the tiny semi-sweet chips (SF natch), but this is a FIRST! I can only imagine what I'd do with them: cookies, frostings, or cakes naturally, but just think of toasting pecans, almonds, walnuts, and/or peanuts and then drizzling these chips MELTED in the microwave for 30 sec. and poured over the toasted nuts! OMG again! How about adding SF flakes of coconut to the nuts, and then drizzle them with milk chocolate! Little treats in the freezer! Oh, this has possibilities!!! All the ingredients are keto friendly. 5 star reviews (23)! People are RAVING about them! OMG, dipping a macaroon into these chips melted! Or a quick drizzle across the cookie tops. I'm getting some now before they get snowed in in upper NY state (where Netrition is located). I'm out here on the left coast, so I need to order them NOW before the snow and the Xmas mail rush. Bah humbug! I want my milk chocolate chips!! :P

I've done my vacuuming...ALL OF IT. From my room to the kitchen. My pillows are fluffed and my bedding is in the dryer. I will make my challenge of 9-10 pm!! YAY! I am to make "challenges" for myself, approach the challenge, FINISH the challenge (if possible), and then rate how difficult it was for me. I am not to push myself to do it, but I am to attempt it and see how much resistance I am giving myself. It really takes the sting out of it for me! If I have a choice to make re: reparenting myself, I'm choosing ME every time rather choosing the cruel and hurtful MD, aka My Inner Critic!!!! I am also to listen for her negative and critical input. It's funny: it's not coming across as an actual VOICE, but more of an uneasy feeling and a great desire to STOP and even to run away and hide. Hmm...I used to literally DO THAT when I was a little kid. :roll: Once I hid from my Aunt M while she was babysitting me for so long that she called the police to find me. I was hiding in a bush right outside her front door. I ran away from MD and up to my grandparent's house when we lived in the little cottage out in back of my grandparent's house (from age 18 months - 5 yrs.), just a short run of about 50' up the driveway, so MD had my father build a fence to keep me in and away from my grandparents. The school authorities couldn't keep me in class in the 1st grade due to me hopping on a bus (and begging for a ride b/c I'd "lost my money". :cry:) I hadn't, of course, and I'd take the bus to my grandparent's house (we'd moved away to our own home by then). I'd leave the school grounds every day after lunch (I liked lunch!) by hiding in a bush until everyone was inside and then sneak off to the bus stop. :P The principal finally called me into her office and said to me, "I have something in this desk drawer that I'm going to use on you!" I knew that it was the dreaded PADDLE!! I put my hand on the drawer and said, "There's no need for that. I'll come in from now on." and I did!

I've always been a wanderer and a hider. More and more I understand WHY. MD used to tell everyone, "Oh, she is such a nervous child!" NERVOUS!?? Hell, I was PETRIFIED!!! No wonder I HID! I'd have been a fool not to!!! She was like living with an atomic bomb ready to go off at any minute and most often for no real reason!! A real rage-oholic!!! She used to call ME a "conniver" and sneaky. No, it was HER!!! It was ALWAYS HER. I was a little kid, and I made some mistakes, but the punishment for just me being me was brutal and unnecessary! I want to teach my Inner Child that she indeed was/is lovable and is worthy of that sort of unconditional love that my grandparents had for me in oceanfuls! Apparently I have gathered up that love that they gave so willingly to me, and now have the ability of giving that back to my own Inner Child by guiding her into living in a cleaner house without punishment. Does a clean house seem like a punishment to me? Maybe. But there's also a part of me that will appreciate my own efforts to see me slip into a nice clean bed tonight. I also set out my Pumpkin Pie spice and laid out the recipes necessary to make a nice keto Pumpkin Pie for DS tomorrow. I'm moving towards that goal (or "challenge") just as I did with all of you when trying to make bread and use yeast (a total unknown to me) to make it. Now I make yeast bread on an every 2-3 days basis and I whip out my homemade mayo in 3-5 MINUTES and it turns out nice and has a lovely, creamy mayo texture to it. I'm sure it will be the same thing with my new adventure into keto PIES. Next up are cheesecakes and fat bombs. Look out, Nellie!! :lol:

Bedding is dry now. Time for bed. Let me assemble it. It's 9:45pm now! I MADE IT!!!

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Dec 08, 2019 3:46 pm

Hey Mick! :mrgreen: Thanks for your comments. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Lots of healing going on around here.

Wow. I just noticed that all I have to do is TYPE. I do home row (like they taught me in 7th grade :lol: ) and I thought I'd never learn how to type quickly! But now I don't even have to think about where my fingers are flying. Amazing! I sound it out in my head and out it comes: PERFECT every time! :P

Somehow my mind is hovering over that particular time in my life, around 12-14 yrs. old. So long ago. JFK was running for President. :shock: Yeah, I'm that flipping OLD!!! :lol: By this time, my parents had built and were running a resort (with a swimming pool and cabins) up in the mountains. MD was still as nuts as she ever was and my little brother was 2-4 yrs. old. So many things happened at this time in my life! One thing was that once when I was 14 and my parents were out (visiting friends with "brother darling" but without ME, natch!), I caught a glimpse of MD's midnight blue taffeta cocktail dress hanging in her closet. Hey, they were out, and there it was, SO PRETTY!! It was like the scene from Gypsy where she gets all dressed up plus makeup, looks in the mirror, and says, "Mama, I'm PRETTY!", realizing it for the first time. I even put on her jewelry and I looked like a million bucks!!! At 14, I had a knock out figure! Unfortunately, I didn't hear their car pull down the driveway... :?

She was on me before I knew it! She pulled the dress and jewelry off of me like I was some sort of whore that had slunk in off the street and was stealing something from her! She screamed at me and slugged and punched me and called me all sorts of names. I was just playing dress up. I kept saying that I was sorry, but she kept on beating me and berating me. No one can shame like a mean girl, and a mean girl is who she was and who she is to this day. She forbade me to ever touch her things again...EVER!!! She reminded me just how UGLY I was (a total LIE, but one that I'd heard all my life and sadly believed!!) as she continued to beat these thoughts into me. I never EVER tried dressing up again. In fact, even today I slip on a muumuu to AVOID dressing (one of the reasons I hate to go out) or I put on a pair of shorts with a LONG tunic (to hide my huge sagging belly) and a pair of rubber clogs. I wear this SAME outfit summer, winter, spring, and fall. It's like my "uniform". I also wear my Sunday Afternoon® "gardening" hat, too. I have this "outfit" in a myriad of colors and patterns and sizes, but the shorts are all the same as is the top. I have two drawers FULL of muumuus in so many different patterns that I have EVERY PATTERN that they carry! :roll:

But I've been thinking about all this "clothing/dressing avoidance": mindfulness due to the CBT (therapy) that I've been doing for the past several weeks. Tonight the highlight of my musings was that FORBIDDEN midnight blue taffeta dress of MD's that hung in her closet, kept deliberately AWAY from "ugly" and undeserving ME! Well, nowadays we have the INTERNET, so I googled "midnight blue taffeta dresses"...and what I found was LOVELY INDEED! They are readily available and range in price from $23.00 - $500.00. They're called "vintage" and are straight out of the 50s, but hell, so am I!! :lol: Although I no longer have the figure I had at 14 (and probably never will), I'm working on being the BEST ME that I can be!! My Inner Teenager DESERVES to have all the dresses that she wants, AND NOW I can afford them! I'd love to go to the dances at the Senior Center and wear a different dress/outfit each and every time...maybe even a matching HAT! I think that that would be a real HOOT! :P I''m going to bookmark all of them and where to find them. I can wear vintage if I wish. Heck, I'M VINTAGE...and PROUD of it! It's a darned sight better to be "vintage" than the other alternative!! :lol:

I may not do this tomorrow, but gimme a year and see what I come up with! I'm just beginning to lose some weight due to the keto/IF regimen, and my gardens (both hummingbird and veggie) and the garage (which is SLOWLY coming along!) should offer suitable exercise to accompany the WOE AND WOL (way of living - the new lingo from the IF group I'm on on FB).

DS and I both recognize how incredibly odd we are...and that's ok. Our neighbors here facetiously call us "The Addams Family", but we embrace the name. And if I fancy clothing from the 1950s ATM, so be it. I am who I am! Once I'm rid of the sagging belly and arms and undergo the skin reduction surgery (if needed - autophagy and fasting can take care of that if stringently done, and I'm planning on giving that my best shot!), I should be able to get some nice outfits, new makeup, have my hair done again, and STEP OUT! :mrgreen:
Mick wrote:
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:28 am
I am going back and reading so much of your stuff. It resonates. No one gets it unless they have been there.

I had to highlight that. Not sure about re parenting one self, my journey of discovery just keeps on going. Not sure when or if it ends. But the make it out alive bit. I love that.
Now back to you. Thanks for going back and reading. I am prolific if nothing else! :lol:
Mick wrote:
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:28 am
My wife is a survivor of a very nasty father and a weak mother. One brother is living in a bed sit on govt pension where he has wound up, the other after inheriting big money from his ex wife and remarrying well has managed to put himself under a huge rock he will kill himself (stress) to get out. Both wrecks.

My darling wife will one day probably die trapped under a pile of newspapers. Her son if I am no loner there will call every day though, to make sure it does not happen. The two boys love her dearly and the youngest is very close as he has had a very hard life with some significant inherited medical issues.

Last year to help, while she was away I sorted her "desk notes" into three piles. Ones I knew were outdated, ones that I knew were just maths calcs, and ones I was not sure about. It took quite a while. When she saw it she emitted a small scream and her pulse jumped, although I kept reassuring her I had not thrown our anything. The pile is now back on the desk getting higher each week.
I want to say this without being judgemental or pontificating to you and I know that you were only trying to help, but...I know that I would not only not appreciate anyone going through my things and organizing them, but it would make me really address some serious privacy issues with whoever would think that that was ok. And I'd feel somewhat threatened, which is probably the last thing you had on your mind with your wife. Be gentle with that soul.
Mick wrote:
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:28 am
I collect, comics books etc (my son says collectors are hoarders who think their stuff is worth something). So we have a lot of stuff.
Oh, me, too!!! We have several big boxes of boarded and bagged comics from decades ago. I have a new place ("a permanent home") to store them (in the closet in that room) once we move that rolltop desk out of the "Computer Room" so I can clean and organize the entire room. It's not really a computer room. There is no computer in there anymore, but there was 20 yrs. ago when we first bought the house.

BTW, my DS is a hoarder, too, even worse than me. Probably gets it from me, but what I've learned from him is that as I clean up, HE cleans up, too. I don't know if this would help with your wife, but it's worth a shot. As Dr. Phil says, "The only person you can change is you." Give her a good example by keeping up your end of the household chores and see if that doesn't help her, too. Don't expect anything. Just do your own thing and give her love regardless. I wish you and yours the BEST!
Mick wrote:
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:28 am
Break through was inviting our son's long term girl friend into the house. At least she now knows what she is getting into.
Wow. Shame. I've not found that to be a great incentive for me. Nor for my son. I wish you the best...again.

I might also add that I have Medicare with a PPO and they are now offering me my new T's for FREE. You may want to see about that for you. Maybe your wife will wish to follow your lead, but if not, give her time and space and understanding and love, and work on you instead. My T's call on the phone for an hour twice a week and it's really helping me by giving me GREAT suggestions, like having a box (or two or whatever) for those items that I can't DECIDE on right now. Most of it is junk, and some fits into the "donate" pile or the "keep" pile, but what's holding me up is that UNDECIDED pile! Not any more since it has its own pile, so it's moving along again. Last week I shared with J, my "coach", that there is a lot of rat feces out there in the garage on the shelves, so I've sort of stopped working out there due to the doo-doo, but she informed me that according to the CDC it's no longer AS toxic after a mere WEEK as it was when FRESH. I'll still need gloves and a mask, but this crap has been out there for up to 20 yrs!! :P So it's not as toxic as I thought. She helps me to move along with her great suggestions. (Love her!!)

I'm also organizing my kitchen and my Keto recipe books, too. All of this is very slow, but it IS getting done, albeit in a relaxed manner, and I'm accomplishing one, two, or three tasks per day. That makes me feel great. If you have private insurance, perhaps you could get some help there, too. It's called AbleTo. You can google it if you wish to contact them.

I need to get to sleep! :shock: I didn't realize how late it is!! ♥ I hope it all works out for you. ♥ :mrgreen:

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Dec 09, 2019 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, as some triggering content

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:02 pm

Hey Jonesy! Got your message. Sorry about the mt vs nt confusion.
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Dec 09, 2019 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, as some triggering content
I never know which one to put. :oops:

Here's wishing you a very Merry Christmas! :mrgreen:

Honeybera

Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 12876
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by Jonesy » Thu Dec 12, 2019 7:41 am

Dear honeybera

Don't give it another thought, you're most welcome.
Hoping you and yours enjoy whatever festivities you partake... the silly season has truly began for me :lol:
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Dec 18, 2019 6:25 pm

It is becoming very clear to me that I NEED TO BEGIN CLEANING MY GARAGE!!! All things point to it, but for some reason (perhaps the xmas season?) I am feeling rather depressed. I know that I'm doing this to myself and that my upbringing was a large part of where I am today, but I'm also realizing that this procrastination is what I'm left with to deal with. This reticence towards my garage (and other overwhelming tasks around here) is strictly MY problem, and thereby something that I (and I alone) need to deal with. The CBT therapy is helping me to get a grip on things, but for the life of me I can't figure out how. :roll:

I'm also doubling down on the fasting, perhaps even attempting what they refer to as EF (extended fasts). Anything less than 24 hours (examples: 12, 16, 18, 20, or 24) is NOT an EF. But my weight and insulin resistance problems have gone on for so long that anything less than a strict 24 hour fast just doesn't do much good. EF includes 36, 42, 48 hours OR even 3 days or up to 7 days or one month! I'm not going to do that, but I am going to try for possibly 36 hours to turn my lack of weight loss around. Eating LCHF makes fasting easy due to the feeling of satiety I get when eating "the good fats". If I get really hungry, I'll eat my OMAD or have a reduction in fasting hours. I am staying pretty much the same weight, but I'd like to lose some. I've been doing this for over 2 yrs. now. Maybe I'm just eating my One Meal A Day (in a meal stretched out over 2-8 hours) due to boredom. I watch WAY too much TV.

Plus I need to get more active...like cleaning out the garage so I have more room for my gardening supplies (all kept within the cluttered house now) and things like cleaning products, mops, brooms, light bulbs, and so on. I know that I use the word "hoarder", but it's more like CLUTTER. I used to hoard this or that, but now I am seeing myself saying to myself, "No, you've already got that. You have money to buy a new one, but let this one go first. Use it or toss it." That is a HUGE step for me. I don't need 12 heads of cauliflower, however the 4 I got will do. I use cauliflower as a replacement for so many high starch veggies! I make them mashed, as "rice", or even for "faux-tato salad". YUM! Just because the chicken legs (for soup - SO GOOD!) are on sale for 48¢ a lb. (in 10 lb. bags), I don't need 12 of those either. The same with the garage. Once we use up all the light bulbs, I'll keep it down to a pack or two for each kind of light. I honestly think that I have 4 shovels! :roll: Plus a pallet of bags of garden soil and another pallet of steer manure. Lordy!

I believe I'll empty my trash cans in my room right now and put my clothes on to wash, start my 2 loaves of Keto bread (only 3 slices left from the last batch), and do some garage cleaning. The floor needs a good sweeping/vacuuming (shop vac) and I need to throw out some garbage out there into the trash bin. Then I'll set up the 6' folding table and folding chair out there and begin to empty shelves, one by one. My T and coach tell me to PRAISE myself each time I accomplish something, no matter how small. I respond well to "attagirl"s. It's like I have the perfect balance of urgency to get a job done and the following love and appreciation and satisfaction of feeling that the job was well done. It's all internal and I know that I can TRUST myself to give out the praise lavishly. Not a bad gig. :mrgreen:

I'm off to the races! Maybe the increase in movement will help with the weight loss, too. (fingers crossed!!)

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Dec 27, 2019 5:39 am

Update:
The new CBT T's are really helping. I'm beginning to clean the kitchen and the garage and I even vacuumed the front room today! It actually looks better. :mrgreen: Once we move a few things around (some to the DUMP, some into their permanent homes inside the house or in the garage), we can fix/redo the floors in vinyl planking and paint. My kitchen pantry looks like grocery store shelves (but in Keto style: NO sugar, starches, or grains!) I do it like that because many of the things I use everyday (but most people have never heard of) I have to import from around the country and even further away. I made a KNOCKOUT instant no cook chocolate pudding today that turned out like mousse, super creamy and topped with heavy whipped cream (HWC) sweetened with erythritol - SO GOOD!! Once I get around to making a nut-based pie crust (OMG YUM!), I can just add this mousse over the baked crust and top with HWC and be in business! I bought this pudding from an online store I've been using for years, and they import it from South Africa. The makers of this pudding also make a delicious Jello like concoction and I usually make that with HWC, too, about a ¼ cup to the rest boiling water, and it separates into two layers when it chills (SO PRETTY!). Needless to say, I am having FUN!! But it's why my pantry looks like a store's shelves! :lol: I shop both locally and far and wide!

I went to get a CAT scan today REEEEALLY early!!! I've got horrible upper thoracic rib pain which is getting much worse in this last week. I feared possible lung cancer or some horrible thing, but no. The CAT scan was completely clear and normal, so I'm now thinking a pinched nerve or something. I can barely sleep anymore without these painful back spasms waking me up at 3 and 4 and 5 am. I can't even sit in the chair anymore to relieve the pain nor can I lay in bed at all once the repetitive spasms start. They're so strong they make me scream and cry. While I am not against crying, I rarely scream unless there is incredible pain (MD's training: "You stop that crying right now or I'll give you something to cry about!"...and screaming was simply NOT ALLOWED).

So I'm going to ask my Dr. to refer me for some physical therapy. Massage seems to help (DS volunteered) and some additional strength training/building would be nice plus my happy housework, yard work (Spring is just around the corner!), and garage work. I must have ½ the garage floor done already :mrgreen: , but I haven't even touched the five 5-tiered shelves yet nor the tempting Mystery Boxes, but I'll just take them one shelf and one box at a time and at my own speed.

I'm also going this weekend to see my old ophthalmologist 100 miles away so they can give me a thorough eye exam and new glasses prescription...FINALLY. I had my cataracts done nearly 2 yrs. ago and can barely read with these glasses I still have. They're simply the wrong prescription for reading now! DS drove me today for my CAT scan and I'm going to ask him to drive me to my eye doctor's appt., too. His new car is NICE! And economical! It's a hybrid.

I'm planting my tomatoes (only SunGold and maybe a large beefsteak, too) and peppers tomorrow and sticking them under the grow lights. We'll see what does best. Already my Black and Blue salvia cuttings are thriving on the window sill. I want lots of that plant for my hummingbird garden outside my WOW. It's by far their favorite, so I'm saving as many cuttings as possible. And why not? It's free for me! I'm just recycling and propagating new plants from the old ones as I trim them back. :P

Life is good.

Time for bed. Lots to do tomorrow. ;)

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Jan 01, 2020 6:49 pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! :!:

I had my CAT scan and went for my eye exam!! Both turned out well. I'm apparently doing something right. In fact, my eye doctor said that my eye health has greatly improved over the last 2½ yrs. (due to Keto and IF). I am older, but not the worse for wear. :mrgreen: Back lower rib cage/lung pain is still unaccounted for, even with the CAT scan and a chest x-ray. :roll: How I wish I had an answer on that, but I know it's not lung cancer or other dread disease, and it is lessening lately allowing me to sleep well again...THANK HEAVENS!! If it takes enduring some pain from time to time, I'm ok with that as long as I know it's not something lethal and is not too intense to bear. I am old, and waking up on the right side of the dirt each day is truly a blessing. Many others don't have even that, so I'm grateful for what I have.

I speak with my CBT T today...yes, on New Year's Day! She is some sort of dedicated! :roll: BUT I had my "last" session with my "coach" on Monday and I am truly bummed out by that. She said my 8-week sessions were completed and she felt that they would not "extend" me, but that I could reapply in three weeks. I felt like somebody took off my training wheels suddenly and let me crash! I felt like they were really helping me to help myself and then were abruptly pulling the rug out from underneath me. She said maybe my T "could possibly" extend me and my T is the one I'll be speaking with today at 2pm on the phone. Once a week talking to just the T would be ok until I could formally "re-enlist" for another 8 weeks. I feel I am really being helped by them. I didn't expect this and no one warned me. My kitchen is SO much more organized and my sideboard is cleared and the front room is coming along and even the garage! But there is still so much to do and to abandon me right now would be incredibly painful. I've come so far. I don't feel that I should be criticized for needing an uplifting person to connect with once a week and to share with them. Doing my overhaul of my home, while being a huge number of tasks, is made bearable by my phone visits with them and is the reason I haven't been on here too much. My health insurance pays for it. Why are they rejecting me? I plan to ask her today.

I think I'll go out and do some garage work right now. Every little bit helps out there. I'm almost to the Mystery Boxes, and in fact a BIG one of them is on my target list today. I'm still clearing off the main floor area, but a good 2/3 of it is done already. Lots of donations are ready to go, too, but this is one of the few days they are closed at the donation center. Oh well. They're open tomorrow and I'm very much in the mood for "old crap dumping"!! I can get rid of a TON of already loaded up boxes, all marked with "DONATE" on them. :mrgreen:

Honeybera

UPDATE: I DID IT!! I got to the ONE HUGE spider-web infested box out there with dead whippy weeds all over it and LOTS of rat-chewed holes in the sides of it (I mean it! Round, chewed HOLES they gnawed away at in about 10 places! I was looking for Tom and Jerry!! :lol: ) and of course rat droppings all over the place! I had already FILLED UP our 96 gallon garbage can, so I stuffed in what I could. Friday is garbage day, so I will finish with that box then once the garbage bin is empty again. Guess what was in it? OLD XMAS LIGHTS/DECORATIONS, also chewed nearly beyond recognition, and lots of old canned food decades old. ICK!!! :x

But now that little corner is all cleaned and vacuumed and I'm ready to call our garage door repairman to come out and fix our door so we can open AND close it from outside (like in our cars). He had no access to it when he came out and told us what was wrong. The filthy mess is going away, one box at a time!!! Xmas lights and bulbs for the tree! OMG!! :lol:

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Jan 06, 2020 10:08 am

My dear Fleur, I hope you and yours are safe in the Australian wild fires! My thoughts and prayers are with you and all who are near and dear to you!

I finished my CBT program, but will DEFINITELY restart it for another 8 weeks. I actually have DONE a lot in my garage, believe it or not!! :mrgreen: I'm very proud of the progress I've made out there!!! I'm averaging one or two hours EVERY day out there. I'm creating more garbage than I know what to do with, so I'm considering just bagging it and tossing it out into the backyard and filling the garbage cans from there once a week. Pickup was today (due to the holiday) and already that 96 GALLON CAN is FULL!!! I am blowin' and goin'!! DS got a new PT job and began today, but once he is here to help me unload the shelves full of ancient electronic equipment, we'll be on a roll!! I CAN SEE THE ELECTRICAL PLUG behind the east side shelves! That plug has been buried behind boxes and rat droppings since 2008!! :P :mrgreen:

I cannot tell you how many rat "droppings" I vacuumed up today!! The rats were everywhere once upon a time!! :roll: Once I'm done offloading those nasty shelves, I'm hiring a cleaning crew to disassemble and then reassemble all those shelves and clean them out THOROUGHLY with bleach water!!! I saw a big spider today (NOT a black widow, thank heavens!) trying to hide in the hideously filthy and shredded "bedding" hidden deep inside that first Mystery Box. I got rid of all of the rest of the contents of that particular box by taking the rest out piece by piece with my picker-upper and gently moving it over "crane style" to the big garbage can and...DUMP!! I worked for two hours out there and FILLED UP that huge garbage container!! So much more is there, but one day at a time. It looks so much better already!

And I can SEE my LandStrider recumbent trike again as I move pile after pile of trash, litter, and decaying cardboard boxes from the floor!!! Its tires are flat as pancakes and it really needs some restoration, but I think I'll put it in the back of the truck (as soon as I move the pallet of manure out of there and into the garden area) and take it up to those other recumbent trike super-fan's shop for needed repairs. It's a long drive, but I know that they'll do right by me and make it pretty and functional again. I'm realizing that those LandStriders are considered a "classic", and they are each numbered. Mine was "lucky" 13. :lol: They are "tadpoles" (two wheels in the front and one in the back). I'm getting excited again!

I feel like I am beginning to THRIVE again. Progress is being made like never before. I know that IF I was to allow myself to go visit with MD, she'd try her darnedest to bring me down and I just don't need that at this point. My entire job when growing up was to "be quiet"/shut up, to just sit there or go play outside and "don't get dirty", and to be her verbal and physical whipping boy whenever she felt bad about herself. NO LONGER IS THAT EVER GOING TO BE TRUE!! Even if I have to stay away from her!!

I wish I didn't have to clean out that garage. It is truly AWFUL out there! But I am getting a LOT of satisfaction once an area is cleared and cleaned. Unless I am completely physically unable to get out there anymore (and that currently is NOT the case!), I plan to keep clean what was incredibly dirty/messy/unsanitary. Same with my room: once it's done, I HAVE TO keep it up and clean. That's the rule! Same with the kitchen. Same with the rest of the house. And so far I've been very successful with that. This turnaround is as important to me as the writing out/journaling of all my childhood pain from the abuse that I've done here over the last 6 yrs. This sharing with you all is so healing to me!! ♥♥♥

Honeybera

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