Letting go

[honeybera]

Oh Fleur!! See my happy face!! ----->

I just "met" with my new T for the first time today.

Woo-hoo -- that's great news about zero cost to you for the CBT

Are you seeing a therapist face to face these days?

Not seeing a f2f T anymore. Not for several months really. My f2f T consistently sort of "pardoned" MD, like what MD did just wasn't that bad. She also is naturally slim and had never felt a need to lose weight. After several months I got sick of it and just couldn't go back anymore. To see a T just to defend myself against MD, something I've been doing all my long life, just didn't seem worth the $10 copay to be honest. And I didn't feel any kindness from her, and she just looked down at me like I was a "deplorable" and that made me really feel uncomfortable. I felt so unwelcome there, and like she'd spray the seat I sat in with Lysol after I'd gone and she'd enter in the that juicy $140.00 session pay she'd just earned into "billing". I like this new T WAY better!

And my new CBT program is WAY better...so far, so good. I like her! It seems that it's a two person program - T one day and a "behavior coach" on another day - all done on the phone CBT style. I really like that idea!

You seem to share that you work best with a deadline, such as trades people or delivery expected. Merely a guess. Maybe early life impacts you into being overwhelmed and although Mark Twain and others say about breaking the big picture into manageable tasks, those early messages sneak in? Only, now, there's no MD to take charge. Hopefully, CBT can help forge new ways of being

I absolutely agree! I already feel more like tackling more household and garden chores. No, seriously! I don't have that sleepy "oh, who cares" or "let me rest" attitude after speaking with my new T. I just hope I like my "coach" as well. It's all done on the phone and I'm using my cell phone which has facetime, so if we want to, it can be sort of f2f. I'm not picky. And I'm hoping that the coach is as encouraging as this T is. I really don't care what they look like, so w/e. I just want to FORGET MD and get on with cleaning up my own house and garage and garden!!! Those are my goals. Well, that and weight loss and getting rid of the Type 2 Diabetes! Oh, and getting my Keto cookbook up to date and organized on my CLEARED OFF kitchen table. (I'm almost there on the kitchen table goal!)

My T seemed surprised that I was a homeowner! Wanted to know if I got it through a divorce! Nope. Bought it with my own money from my own job. And proud of it! And such a nice house it is, too, and in a nice neighborhood. And I bought it new 20 yrs. ago. So no, I didn't come by it in a divorce. Wow. I guess that really is amazing for her in her line of work. And it makes me feel mighty good about myself and what I've accomplished without much help!!! Thanks to MD for making me a such tough old cuss and being enough to break free of her and her "upbringing". I may be approaching true freedom from all that abuse FINALLY, and it feels really GOOD!

I also had a question for my T (sort of asking "permission" in a way): I had actually LEFT THE HOUSE yesterday (don't faint!) to go get some new glasses at a place just down the street from my house. It looks good from the outside, but once inside we were ushered abruptly WAY to the back of the store for our "exam". That's where I got my first "uh-oh" feeling. It was very by the book: "Fill out this form. Sign everything. They then informed us that we'd only be seeing a "reflexologist" for the eye exam and that "a real doctor" signs off on whatever this person determines my new lens prescription would be. I believe they said reflexologist, and when I looked that up, it says it's a foot massager!

==============================(much much later)

It's not a reflexologist. The staff said I'd be seeing a refractologist - I think. Here's what I got off the internet:

This test is performed by an ophthalmologist or optometrist. Both of these professionals are often called "eye doctor." You sit in a chair that has a special device (called a phoroptor or refractor) attached to it. You look through the device and focus on an eye chart 20 feet (6 meters) away.

The scam in this office is to hire UNQUALIFIED and UNSUPERVISED people to administer the tests and then have "Dr. White" sign off on whatever they do (that's how the staff explained it). When I asked to speak to this Dr. White, I was told that he'd gone home already and that I'd be seeing their "refractologist". This was at 4:30pm and the office is open ("walk-ins welcome") until 7pm!! And we had an appointment!! So he should have been there (if he even exists). Then the office staff decided that I had better "see the other doctor" on Thursday and they made a second appointment. This time it was to be with "Dr. Smith" (I kid you not!) - so after I spoke with my new T on Tuesday and asked her advice, I called on Wed. and cancelled. SHEESH! They were going to have some UNTRAINED person give me an eye exam and sell me glasses with a prescription that may or may not be correct - BUT for cheap! $59 = two sets of glasses + an eye exam. I should have known better! What a scam!!! I may just have someone look into the legality of the whole operation. It seemed so phony to me, right down to the luxury carpeting and stylish (but oddly empty) reception desk at the front door with many tall displays of frames and then being led further onto the bare gray cement floors and gouged walls and just plain dirty area the further back I went into this overly huge building. It was weird! I kept thinking, "This is like a Stephen King novel!!" Very odd.

I plan to go to another place to get my glasses on Monday. Probably Walmart. I already have a couple of Walmart frames, so just the exam and the lenses. One pair for reading and one for the computer. I can't wait to get to comfortably read my books. I'm also going to go to the bank again - but this time I'll grab the right envelope from home; last time I left my checks to deposit at home.

We saw my dear cousin R last night. Had quite a nice visit! He is the perfect mix of mildly ornery and extremely kind. We always did get along.

I have found the fence I want to put up. It's wood on the bottom and black wrought iron filigree on the top. SO PRETTY!!

==========================(several days later... )

I keep forgetting to send these off. I get interrupted and then forget to come back and complete the post.

Tomorrow I get to speak with my T again. I've filled out their "goal sheet" of questions - and it's really made me think about things, like how important is this goal or that, how high a priority should I put this or that task into, and which tasks do I wish to minimize? This new program (CBT) is really helping me to study my life and how it's going. It's like having Mark Twain being my "coach". I'm also beginning to realize that I'm only one person and can do only so much. That is helping me to be self forgiving and not such a hard task master. I'm actually getting a lot more done that way than to see it ALL as overwhelming by being taken altogether as ONE BIG NAGGING TASK that MUST be done ALL AT ONCE and if I don't do it ALL AT ONCE, I am a failure and full of GUILT. Nuts to that!!

So I'm looking forward to tomorrow and my new T calling me on the phone AND the new "coach" calling me late the next day for the first time. I assume that we'll be setting more specific "goals" together, and I relish that idea!!

Get this! Yesterday morning (up all night; waited until the sun came up) at about 7am I was dressed and headed out to the car (the CAR!) and headed out to get my blood work done for my appointment with my doctor today. Once that was finished, I went by the market and picked up 6 family packs of pork steaks that were on sale for $1.18/lb (SO YUMMY + MY favorite keto food), 3 full 24-can cases of chicken broth on sale (for soups and gravies - I buy them on the cheap now and use them over the year), and some veggies, then filled my car with gas, and went to the bank!! Once home, I rested while DS hauled it all into the kitchen for me to put away, and then I slowly put it all away, at least well enough so that nothing spoiled. I'll finish it today, plus make some bread and mayo, and go see my doctor late afternoon. DS says he wants to go, too, but if not, I'm fine to go by myself.

Yes, I look forward to speaking to my T and my coach later on. Doing all these chores has reminded me of who I really am, that I'm not just some isolated invalid cowering in my room due to MD's treatment of me decades ago!! No, this time it's MD who is the invalid in HER room at the locked Alzheimer's facility, put there by my brother, and overseen by the hospice people from another building on the property. She had a house, a GORGEOUS home my father had provided her with (and it was ALL PAID FOR!!), HER DREAM HOME. She wanted to stay there, but my DB (with great pressure from his wife) forced her into the nursing home, sold her home so she can't go back, and controls her money now. My father warned her before he passed: be careful of your money! More and more, as I shake the muck off my own shoes and move on with my life, I can see what a dependent and cowardly foolish woman MD is. She's always been this way, and I can see why she saw all of her own value in being a fastidious housekeeper and caretaker of her own family. It really was her "ticket to ride". She has little else to offer. Or HAD. For now she is locked away, craving death, but those around her need her to "be alive" (not to LIVE) so they can milk her for her last penny. Wow. I believe that that is why DB has enlisted the hospice people to come in and observe her. "Is it time for her to be whisked away to the hospice???" I can guarantee that I won't be told until she's long gone. (Blessedly!!) But then the entire estate goes to him and his spendthrift wife to blow.

My father was in that exact same hospice 3 yrs. before his death. His doctor had put him in there by mistake, but MD and DB were quite prepared to let him die. The hospice staff were not feeding him nor even giving him water - he was to DIE and they were helping him to do just that. When I got there, he begged me to allow him to go back home and let him die there. My DB was dead set against it, but MD was not as stubborn, and after quite a bit of FIGHTING with the hospice people (greedy bastards!!), he was released home where he lived for 3 more years until his death (by my brother slipping a black pill under his tongue that the "good" hospice people had given him to "help him pass"). That pill had sat on the kitchen sideboard for all those 3 yrs., waiting, and my brother used it to kill my father 7 min. before I would have reached the house. When he called me to let me know my father was already dead, he said, "Do you still want to come?" and I said no. Not necessary.

And I took my Bereavement Leave from work AT MY OWN HOME less than a mile away from my parent's home for the next 3 days and then returned to work. Sometimes it's tough not to be bitter, but my father had helped me by saying to me the Saturday before his death when I went to visit him in his home, "I love you, Honey." He had trouble speaking, AND he had to wait for MD to leave the room first, but when she walked in the other room, he told me he loved me and patted my hand.

And when she did walk back in, he jumped away from me like he was caught "in the act" with a hooker!!! Good grief!! I was his DAUGHTER, his FIRST BORN, for Pete's sake!! What he did by saying goodbye that way was a kindness to me and for me. But still she tried to keep us estranged from each other and he went along with it. It was always her way or the highway.

And now she is old and wanting death herself, but now that the hospice is making money off her, my father's money, they'll keep her going even if they have to prop her up like "A Weekend at Bernie's"!! They won't even give my DB that little black pill for her - for they don't WANT her to "pass". Perfect justice!!

Thanks for letting me vent. It still hurts a bit, being the butt of that hatred and abandonment and shunning joke for so many decades. But NOW I have food to put away while my bread is baking...right after my nice wake-up shower. ♥♥LOVE YOU ALL!!♥♥ Thank heavens for this site to dump all the pain, knowing that "the internet is forever" and that at least I can "tell on her" for all to see. That gives me some peace.

Now off to my keto kitchen! ♥♥♥

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I saw my regular physician this afternoon after getting my labs (a1c in particular) done yesterday morning. The results?? My a1c's are now at...(drum roll please) - 6.5!!!!! That's down from 6.9 in August, the lowest reading I'd ever had at that time!! But now it's down another 0.4!! I am so thrilled!!!

The poundage wasn't so ideal. I actually GAINED 2 LBS. since Aug. It's really tough to NOW be in the PRE-DIABETIC range with my a1c, but without losing one friggin' pound, but what is my alternative?? Eat more carbs? Eat less calories? (I'm eating about 1500-1800 a day and all at one sitting and then fasting for the rest of the time until the next day when I become hungry again.) No, I am going to continue as I have, but maybe try to fast longer, like 36 hrs. 2 or 3 days per week. I made my mayo tonight and the two loaves of bread are in the bread makers ATM, baking away. I still have to put away the pork steaks in the freezer tomorrow, but they are in the fridge tonight. Also tomorrow I'm going to make a chocolate cake (keto style) - nine slices @ two net carbs apiece without frosting and three carbs with frosting. Plus the pork chops and a veggie side dish. (And one piece of cake for dessert.)

AND I get a call from my T tomorrow! YAY! So I'm happy and off to bed. What a nice day.

[Jonesy]

[honeybera]

Thanks Jonesy!! Long time, no hear from. ♥♥♥

I just wanted to take a minute on here tonight and dump more stuff. Tonight I was online looking at dogs waiting for a forever home. My 12 yr. old girls are getting way up there in age. I've already lost two of them last year and was just early shopping for another dog to welcome into our family here. I came across a sweet picture of a border collie with soft brown eyes and a wistful look - and I suddenly realized that I'd seen that face before. I owned such a dog way back in 1967. She was the last puppy to go from a huge double litter of 22 pups born to two farm dogs and she'd been cowed by her experiences in life already. I was very pregnant with my first son, and with my then erratic temperament, I had NO BUSINESS even attempting to give this very shy and needy pup a good home. I am ashamed to say that I actually beat that dear sweet dog, often unmercifully and often with something in my hand. And remembering my Samantha, I sobbed tonight. My God, I am SO SORRY that I hurt her like that!! She needed tender and constant love, but she was instead bullied by me. After one severe beating, she ran away. I lived next to a freeway, and I guess that's where she headed. My uncle later told me that she'd gone up there and been hit by a car. I don't know that to be true, but it could have happened. My uncle was the mean kind of jerk who would gleefully tell a lie just to get a painful rise out of another person. I HOPE that it's not true, that she instead just ran away from us, from ME, and found a good home elsewhere and lived a happy life, but I don't know. I do know that she never came back.

I am SO GRATEFUL that I'm NOT that kind of a person anymore. MD may have made me meaner than a snake and enraged, but my dear Grandma and Grandpa were a significant enough influence in my infancy and up to preschool (we lived in their house or on their property for the first 5 yrs. of my life, and Grandpa was retired and saved me so many times from so much abuse!!) that over the years I changed from an absolute clone of MD into a human being with kindness in my heart rather than my own overwhelming RAGE that ruled me for all of my 20s. I was also suicidal in those days. This blessed transformation of heart and spirit that took place over several decades and with the help of MANY T's and self help books was often difficult, but it was all worth it.

To my gentle and emotionally and physically wounded Samantha, I'M SORRY!!! You didn't deserve such treatment!!! I knew better, but in my own inner battle, cruelty won out. I'm so so sorry!!!!! It is all in the past and I know that there's nothing I can do NOW to change it except maybe just allow my inner Grandma and Grandpa take over and be extra kind and loving to my current pets. What more can I do? And make sure that the wild birds outside are fed and watered nicely and make SURE that I have a lovely blooming hummingbird garden established on this side of the house by the Springtime so I can see them sipping the nectar out of plants especially chosen and planted out there for them. The hummingbird garden on the other side of the house under my kitchen window is already a favorite with them. And these plants take full sun and tolerate intense summer heat and even drought. I also plan to have limited veggies (tomatoes, peppers, and squash) planted in 30 gallon fabric tubs in the dog's yard (requiring more water daily) and plant a few fruit trees there, too. And more hummingbird plants in the raised beds. Make those hummers happy!

I'm not getting a behavioral coach just yet. My T told me today. Later on, yes, but not right now as they're getting this brand new therapy business off the ground. So ok, I will still be doing occasional journaling and trying to list (as above) the tasks I'd like to do. One step at a time...

Honeybera

[honeybera]

GOOD NEWS! I'm getting a "behavioral coach" tomorrow (Monday) at 2pm!! I've already told my T during our sessions that I don't do well with brow-beating or bullying in ANY way. It's like trying to FORCE a cat's head down to drink its milk; they will resist every time and pull back their heads and fight, even if they're starving. I'm the same way. I DO NOT LIKE TO BE BULLIED!!! Even a snarky or condescending attitude will trigger me! If someone is going to act like that, I do not even want to be around them. I thereby avoid anything that seems like it might be a BOOT CAMP of some sort and I was very clear on that.

But expectations of good work and praise for a job well done work wonders with me. For some reason, I do MUCH MUCH better with that loving sort of urging and then lavish praise when I do well. I think that may be true for the rest of us as well. Gentle, safe, and genuine suggestions of a better way to do something is also welcome. I have shared this with my T and she called me and let me know that she found someone for me. And I'm glad! VERY glad!

We'll see who it is that has been assigned to me. I'm hoping for the best, I can assure you! This forum here (isurvive) is wonderful for sharing and healing, but it gets rather dull to write about how many boxes I cleared from the garage EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm hoping that this new "coaching" therapy will give me an outlet for exactly that, right down to which keto recipe I've tried or how well the garden or garage is being organized.

And my T tells me that my 3 long-term goals are flexible ones. GREAT! When one is finished, I can change what I'm doing. Flexible and inclusive! I'm glad of that, too!

I'm up early today. I'm hoping that I've finally gotten my sleeping hours into the hours of darkness once again. As it gets colder outside, the minimal warmth that the sun brings is welcome and shouldn't be missed. Here's hoping that I can keep this up.

My shower awaits me. On the menu today: Meatloaf (for sandwiches, too) and a chocolate cake! And the garage and garden today, too.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I guess I'm talking to myself again. But it's ok. Nice intro chat with my "coach" yesterday. I'll call her "J" and my T (her partner in this therapy) "M". I really like this online CBT therapy. What it's doing for ME is to really stop and look at what is happening with me, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Where are my triggers and why do I respond in such a manner? It's really helpful!

This morning I woke up at 5am. I'd decided to get up early (like 6:30am) and go to the x-ray place at 7am when they open for x-rays ONLY - AND I DID!!! That is a BIG DEAL for me!! I get the chest and back x-ray results by week's end. I want to just RULE OUT lung cancer and pneumonia as the source of my pain. I hope all is ok and it's just a painful spot on my ribs, like chronic pleurisy or a bad mattress.

I keep saying that I'm going to "clean the garage", so when I got back at 8:15am this morning, I set that as one of my goals. OMG!! I did get all suited up and stepped out there, only to find a TON of whippy weeds slinking UNDER THE SIDE DOOR with vine-like fingers reaching EVERYWHERE, coiling up around yard equipment, tools, and bikes and shelves and EVERYTHING!!! I came back in for my snippers, little gardening scissors that cut those whippy weeds NO PROBLEM! But there are SO MANY OF THEM! They wad up and there's maybe a clump of them 6"-12" across made up of 30-100 very tough and resistant "runners", and I have to cut each one and then PULL them to dislodge them, cut the other side, and then throw that clump into the garbage can and bend down to cut more. My nice big back yard is FULL OF THEM!!

And they are starting to slither into my new A/C CONDENSER outside!! It's extra hard for me to bend down and snip and yank those morning glory vines OUT OF THERE, so after filling one and a half trash bins, I stopped, exhausted! I will return out there today and attack them again, but I'm beginning to see that I am going to need HELP with all this!! I can't do it alone. And that scares me.

I have some real TRUST issues!! J said that they can help me work on those, and I am glad and grateful. They're helping me to SEE how it was that I managed to cope with MD's abuse of me, and how I even survived, both physically and emotionally!! It wasn't easy, and I feel that I'm lucky to have been as stubborn and ornery as I was and to SELF-protect myself since no one else saw fit to do it for me. But now it's time to reparent myself. I don't like a cluttered house, garage, and neglected garden. But I don't feel so bad that it's the way it is. In fact, I feel good that I made it through ALIVE and in one piece, maybe damaged, but STILL HERE.

I have my work cut out for me and facing me. It's a TON of work! But I can either hire it done or do it myself. Either way is not failure. When I have my front yard project done, I don't intend to pour the cement or build the fence! So if I don't pull every weed or plant every tree, I'm still having it done!

BTW, the chocolate cake turned out dry. No moisture there, but no cream cheese either, so I'm going to try making our favorite super moist keto cream cheese pound cake, but instead of a fruit flavor, I'm going to add Hershey's Cocoa (unsweetened) and see how that turns out. We'll see.

I'm also addressing my tendency to over-buy. Especially food. I'm not going to the store at all this week. Not even for veggies! My favorite store has b/s chicken breasts ON SALE for 98¢/lb!!! And they aren't like the regular chicken breasts, either: they're HUGE and wonderfully tasty and great for soups and casseroles, but I'm not going and today is the last day of the sale. I HAVE CHICKEN! OF ALL SORTS! And beef and pork and turkey...you name it, I've got it! Some of it is OLD, like in my freezer since 2015! But I keep buying stuff and don't throw out the old stuff! This is part of my hoarding, my reluctance to throw away ANYTHING. So I'm going to start working on this aspect of it, too.

I have many MANY things to do today: weedeat front yard (maybe a 15 minute task), sweep the front porch, do a few more whippy weeds (morning glories), begin to clean out the garage (especially the garbage out there)

============================================================(the above was on Tues. - now it's Wed.)

...and I didn't do any of the things above. Not yet anyway. I am thinking about them though. Again, I'm DETERMINED to accomplish what I said I'd do yesterday. I have an appt. with my T at 2pm today, so we do have something to talk about. I'm going to use my isurvive writings to help me express what's happening to me to her. I'm also going to try to do all of what's listed above + make my meatloaf and a pound cake - all before my 2pm appt. I don't want to feel so bad about blowing off my desire to get the things listed above done.

Reflecting on it, one of the things that pops up is how I quit Brownies and never "flew up" to become a Girl Scout by simply avoiding the necessary requirements to do so. At about the same time, I missed my sixth grade graduation party due to not completing a report on Alaska. MD finished it for me and I had it in my hands, but instead once at school on the big day, I hid the finished report in my desk and denied having it to the disappointed teacher. I was left behind with the fifth grade class as my classmates went off to an amusement park for a day of celebration. I would oftentimes AVOID rather than participate, feeling somehow safer in familiarity than TRUSTING in something unknown and adventurous. Is that what my self-imposed isolation is about now? Is this further rebellion against MD's maniacally based ideas of what is cleanliness? Is it actually my old nemesis, CLINICAL DEPRESSION - or could it be just a lack of interest? I don't think that that's quite it. In fact, I don't know quite what it is, but I do know that I list a good deal of "things to do", and really MEAN it, and then don't do them. I'd like to be able to get past that dilemma, to understand it, cope with it, and eliminate it once and for all. But the memories persist.

Well, it's 8:00am and I have a lot to do before 2pm.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I'm sitting here watching a really good movie, The King's Speech, in which the King is asked, "Why are you so afraid now of something that took place when you were 5 yrs. old?" In other words, "How long are you going to give that memory so much power in your current life?" I stopped the movie abruptly to just sit back and give that some proper thought.

I asked myself the same question. I drove a 40' transit bus in the big city, often at night, for over 25 yrs. with all sorts of weird and oftentimes verbally and even physically abusive people as my passengers, especially if they were liquored up. I've been hit, spit on, you name it. And I've been called every foul, nasty thing in the book and threatened with my job, or at the very least, being "called in on". And yet I was always able to handle it, to defuse it. But the mere THOUGHT of MD and her antics stopped me cold every time and TRIGGERED me into a meltdown!

I'm also beginning to understand that those "triggers" have another name: FLASHBACKS! (Due to C-PTSD) No wonder they're so darned REAL!

I can see why it happens: I was so little and powerless and helpless, and she was SO mean and cruel and overpowering. But she sure as hell can't do that anymore, ESPECIALLY to ME , AND especially if I just simply don't let her!!!! SHE HAS NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE!!! UNLESS...I GIVE MY POWER FREELY TO HER, and I have NO intentions of doing that!!! I AM SAFE due to my own abilities to deflect all that negativity. I used it on my passengers for years. Most were very nice, but for the few that weren't (and of course they stood out because of their awful behavior), I learned how to handle them and just move on.

But to constantly REMEMBER how MD did this or why MD did that...what an exercise in futility! Shall I live the rest of my OWN life feeling "less than" just to assuage MD's narcissistic needs? NUTS TO THAT! I have done amazingly well so far in my life. I've made some mistakes, no doubt about that, but it all worked out eventually, and now I'm a homeowner (and a nice home at that!) with 2 out of 3 kids graduating from college, I'm living on a nice pension, and relatively healthy and happy. My home will be paid for in about 10 more yrs. (God willing!) I have a lot to do to fix this place up the EXACT way I want it, but it's coming along.

I think I may even be willing to let a few of my MD FLASHBACKS go! They are real Golden Oldies! They are only flashbacks and have no business in my current life. There are SO many people out there with WAY WAY greater problems in their lives than mine. In fact, I consider myself rather lucky.

Counting my blessings (but wanting to share),

Honeybera
PS - The scale at the doctor's office says I lost 5 lbs!

[honeybera]

For whatever reason, I'm actually getting OUTSIDE and doing some chores! Today was weedeating the front and beginning to sort out the garage. I'm about to make some chicken soup from chicken legs that I made in my Instant Pot. Should be tasty along with a side of garlic bread (Keto of course), but I'd like to have my entire OMAD meal prepped before I even begin to eat. That way I can just do the entire thing at once. I haven't eaten since yesterday except for a nice rich Bulletproof coffee that cuts my hunger and won't spike my insulin levels (the whole point to all this fasting and keto), but I'm not starving, either. I suppose I could whip up some Tuna Salad to go along with it. I'll make another meatloaf tomorrow. This WOE/WOL is easy, and will be easier once I have my home/kitchen in order.

I'm working on my cookbook again, too, and will try to organize the chaos that it's become. There are pages and pages of recipes that are as yet untried and some older recipes that are in the cookbooks already are just not keto friendly. Many aren't grouped together or in any order. I take them off the internet, add my own touches that I have learned that work well with keto, and then I put them into a binder. I have them all nicely put into plastic sheets so they stay nice and clean, and this "overwhelming task" can be done, but after a lot of sorting and arranging. It may take many days, and I still don't have the kitchen table cleared off so I can do this in the kitchen area. Progress is being made though.

I'm also in the process of propagating my Black and Blue Salvia plants (from the cuttings as I trim them up). These plants are ABSOLUTELY the hummingbird's FAVORITE!! They are also very costly ($12.99 for three plants IF YOU CAN GET THEM!), so as my friend used to tell me, "For FREE, take. For BUY, waste time!" If I can simply grow new ones with a little potting soil and some root enhancement dip, why not? Also I'll let my hummer watchers on here know as I get more and different plants for my new hummingbird garden just outside my WOW. I'm going to get some really pretty "desert" salvia so it can withstand drought and the punishingly HOT conditions here in the summertime while being loved by the hummers.

BTW, the electrician is coming tomorrow morning to fix all those nagging nonworking things in the house, from outlets in the kitchen to lights in both bathrooms and even our RING doorbell and carriage lights. I can hardly wait!

Off to bed now...with visions of flitting hummingbirds dancing in my head -

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

Oh honeybera, so many things! Well done for getting round to doing the things and looking after yourself, and booking in the electrician! That'll be some lovely improvements for your well-cared for home. :) And congrats on the 5lbs!! That's some going, too! :D

Reading along even when I'm not posting much, and wishing you all the best things that you deserve so very much. :) I think those hummingbirds will certainly appreciate a lot of your salvia work, too!

[honeybera]

Hey there ♥♥dancingfish♥♥!!! So nice to hear from you!!

Reading along even when I'm not posting much, and wishing you all the best things that you deserve so very much.

Thank you so very much, my dear dancingfish! It's good to know that I'm not just writing the story of my life all alone and sending it unread out into the great oblivion. Seriously!

I do love to write all of this pain and confusion out on isurvive.org. It really helps me to move on from yet another MD trigger that may pop up and attempt to get me waylaid off my chosen course. I'm beginning to recognize the strength of my flashbacks as simply that: FLASHBACKS! My T will be calling me in a couple of hours and I plan to share this epiphany with her. I also began to lay in bed this morning and recite many of the most egregious and outrageous things that MD had done to me. I whipped out my cell phone and wrote them down on Notepad. (God, I love technology!!) I'll share them with her, BUT knowing that I could "tell on" MD to my T kind of took the sting out of these ancient flashbacks. Whereas MD used to beat the crap out of me daily in the old days, nowadays she wears diapers and can't even get up INDEPENDENTLY to walk to the bathroom! I myself sat in the bathroom today, quietly gleeful in a way that that UTTER DEPENDENCE is not yet my own fate (and may never be - fingers crossed!), but also kind of inwardly satisfied that MD is now so afflicted! Serves her right! Her body is her own prison now and I had nothing to do with that which has happened to her.

I guess I feel a little guilty feeling such cocky and ornery feelings, and I'd rather just dwell on what my "coach" said to me: "It sounds like you're making your home into a little paradise, and just the way you want it to be." OH, SPOT ON!!!! That is PRECISELY what I'm doing!!! And my Inner Child is right by my side in doing it - AND SHE IS WELCOME THERE! I am kind of turning into my sainted grandparents, and ♥I LOVE that!!!♥

Well done for getting round to doing the things and looking after yourself, and booking in the electrician! That'll be some lovely improvements for your well-cared for home.

Oh yes! Thanks! He came out yesterday to see what needs to be done, but had hurt himself on the previous job and told us that he'll submit an estimate for our job by text. We're getting new bathroom lighting in both bathrooms (YAY!! - SO NEEDED!) and he'll fix the outlets in my kitchen so I can make keto bread (now a must in our home) without toting my bread machines all over the kitchen where there's still working electrical outlets.

I also made an appt. with my old optometrist's office 75 mi. from here, but I'd tried other "eye exam + glasses" places (Stanton, Walmart, Costco, and several other local ones), but none of them were any good for me. Most were dirty. Some were EXTREMELY dirty, or had bait-and-switch routines! Plus I have several issues with my eyes (Macular Degeneration, diabetes, cataract in left eye, floaters, and rarely sparkles) which all need to be addressed. I have confidence in my old optometrist's office (although he's retired now) and they are CLEAN and have all the latest machines to check my eyes thoroughly. And it's cheaper than all the rest! So I'm going next month. On the Saturday right after Christmas, so even the traffic won't be bad. It's all getting done, dancingfish! And I am SO PLEASED!

And speaking of getting done, I have until NEXT WEDNESDAY (due to the rain coming) to really clear off the floor in the garage (not necessarily the shelves yet) and bring in my tools and bagged fertilizer, both in the backyard and the bagged manure in the bed of the pickup on a pallet. Then DS can also set up his weight set and his "heavy bag" for punching and kicking. He's been into martial arts (karate, kick-boxing, MMA) since he was little and has been wanting this set up in our garage for 2 decades, and it's about time that he gets them all nicely set up out there. Nice and neat and NO GARBAGE! He deserves it. We already have the heavy body/punching bag, and the free weights can be for "Xmas" (which we don't normally celebrate with gifts or decorations). Oh! And he's been cleaning up his old room garbage/donatables/keepsakes from the front room, so we're almost ready to set up the front room (after we tear up the horribly stained carpet ruined by my daughter's overflowing cat box when she lived here in 2008 ) and lay down "wood look" vinyl planks. Once that's done, DS can set up the wooden dining table (for his D&D game) and we can move the chairs (still in their shipping wrapping! ) around the table.

After that, it's time for the family room (painting + FINISH the vinyl plank flooring and replace the baseboards started by N in 2014, but never finished ). Then the computer room (MINUS the rolltop desk - we're selling that!) ...AND THEN THE FRONT YARD (solar panels atop a freestanding patio, a wood-and-wrought-iron fence and paving-stones or pressed concrete)! That is my dream of dreams! And then this will be My Paradise!! Lovely! One step at a time!

I think those hummingbirds will certainly appreciate a lot of your salvia work, too!

I'm going to begin working on that today by my WOW. The hummingbird garden under my kitchen window is thriving! BIG salvia bushes that have been there for years, smothered in small bright red blossoms along with a Rose-of-Sharon tree that planted itself a few years ago and SURVIVED! Both are hummer favorites. The hummers are either sipping nectar or fighting one another over territory! Very territorial, them! The bushes and the tree both need pruning back badly, but I'm going to wait a bit for my hummers sake. There is still nectar there for them in the salvia blossoms. I have plenty of other cleanup projects to do ATM. I'll get to it.

And congrats on the 5lbs!! That's some going, too!

Thanks! It's giving me faith and hope...although I cannot deny that I've seen some GREAT SUCCESSES in my overall health within the last two years. I think I'm going to have to retire my favorite muumuu. It is literally falling off my shoulders! I can replace the rest of them, but this one is special, with patch pockets on the front and it is longer than the rest. Oh well. It's all good!

Almost time for my T to call me. Better scoot. And thanks for all the words of encouragement! They are always welcome!! {{{{{dancingfish!!}}}}}

Honeybera