I just "met" with my new T for the first time today.
Not seeing a f2f T anymore. Not for several months really. My f2f T consistently sort of "pardoned" MD, like what MD did just wasn't that bad. She also is naturally slim and had never felt a need to lose weight. After several months I got sick of it and just couldn't go back anymore. To see a T just to defend myself against MD, something I've been doing all my long life, just didn't seem worth the $10 copay to be honest. And I didn't feel any kindness from her, and she just looked down at me like I was a "deplorable" and that made me really feel uncomfortable. I felt so unwelcome there, and like she'd spray the seat I sat in with Lysol after I'd gone and she'd enter in the that juicy $140.00 session pay she'd just earned into "billing". I like this new T WAY better!
And my new CBT program is WAY better...so far, so good. I like her! It seems that it's a two person program - T one day and a "behavior coach" on another day - all done on the phone CBT style. I really like that idea!
I absolutely agree! I already feel more like tackling more household and garden chores. No, seriously! I don't have that sleepy "oh, who cares" or "let me rest" attitude after speaking with my new T. I just hope I like my "coach" as well. It's all done on the phone and I'm using my cell phone which has facetime, so if we want to, it can be sort of f2f. I'm not picky. And I'm hoping that the coach is as encouraging as this T is. I really don't care what they look like, so w/e. I just want to FORGET MD and get on with cleaning up my own house and garage and garden!!! Those are my goals. Well, that and weight loss and getting rid of the Type 2 Diabetes! Oh, and getting my Keto cookbook up to date and organized on my CLEARED OFF kitchen table. (I'm almost there on the kitchen table goal!)Fleur wrote: ↑Wed Oct 30, 2019 2:23 pmYou seem to share that you work best with a deadline, such as trades people or delivery expected. Merely a guess. Maybe early life impacts you into being overwhelmed and although Mark Twain and others say about breaking the big picture into manageable tasks, those early messages sneak in? Only, now, there's no MD to take charge. Hopefully, CBT can help forge new ways of being
My T seemed surprised that I was a homeowner! Wanted to know if I got it through a divorce! Nope. Bought it with my own money from my own job. And proud of it! And such a nice house it is, too, and in a nice neighborhood. And I bought it new 20 yrs. ago. So no, I didn't come by it in a divorce. Wow. I guess that really is amazing for her in her line of work. And it makes me feel mighty good about myself and what I've accomplished without much help!!! Thanks to MD for making me a such tough old cuss and being enough to break free of her and her "upbringing". I may be approaching true freedom from all that abuse FINALLY, and it feels really GOOD!
I also had a question for my T (sort of asking "permission" in a way): I had actually LEFT THE HOUSE yesterday (don't faint!) to go get some new glasses at a place just down the street from my house. It looks good from the outside, but once inside we were ushered abruptly WAY to the back of the store for our "exam". That's where I got my first "uh-oh" feeling. It was very by the book: "Fill out this form. Sign everything. They then informed us that we'd only be seeing a "reflexologist" for the eye exam and that "a real doctor" signs off on whatever this person determines my new lens prescription would be. I believe they said reflexologist, and when I looked that up, it says it's a foot massager!
==============================(much much later)
It's not a reflexologist. The staff said I'd be seeing a refractologist - I think. Here's what I got off the internet:
The scam in this office is to hire UNQUALIFIED and UNSUPERVISED people to administer the tests and then have "Dr. White" sign off on whatever they do (that's how the staff explained it). When I asked to speak to this Dr. White, I was told that he'd gone home already and that I'd be seeing their "refractologist". This was at 4:30pm and the office is open ("walk-ins welcome") until 7pm!! And we had an appointment!! So he should have been there (if he even exists). Then the office staff decided that I had better "see the other doctor" on Thursday and they made a second appointment. This time it was to be with "Dr. Smith" (I kid you not!) - so after I spoke with my new T on Tuesday and asked her advice, I called on Wed. and cancelled. SHEESH! They were going to have some UNTRAINED person give me an eye exam and sell me glasses with a prescription that may or may not be correct - BUT for cheap! $59 = two sets of glasses + an eye exam. I should have known better! What a scam!!! I may just have someone look into the legality of the whole operation. It seemed so phony to me, right down to the luxury carpeting and stylish (but oddly empty) reception desk at the front door with many tall displays of frames and then being led further onto the bare gray cement floors and gouged walls and just plain dirty area the further back I went into this overly huge building. It was weird! I kept thinking, "This is like a Stephen King novel!!" Very odd.This test is performed by an ophthalmologist or optometrist. Both of these professionals are often called "eye doctor." You sit in a chair that has a special device (called a phoroptor or refractor) attached to it. You look through the device and focus on an eye chart 20 feet (6 meters) away.
I plan to go to another place to get my glasses on Monday. Probably Walmart. I already have a couple of Walmart frames, so just the exam and the lenses. One pair for reading and one for the computer. I can't wait to get to comfortably read my books. I'm also going to go to the bank again - but this time I'll grab the right envelope from home; last time I left my checks to deposit at home.
We saw my dear cousin R last night. Had quite a nice visit! He is the perfect mix of mildly ornery and extremely kind. We always did get along.
I have found the fence I want to put up. It's wood on the bottom and black wrought iron filigree on the top. SO PRETTY!!
==========================(several days later... )
I keep forgetting to send these off. I get interrupted and then forget to come back and complete the post.
Tomorrow I get to speak with my T again. I've filled out their "goal sheet" of questions - and it's really made me think about things, like how important is this goal or that, how high a priority should I put this or that task into, and which tasks do I wish to minimize? This new program (CBT) is really helping me to study my life and how it's going. It's like having Mark Twain being my "coach". I'm also beginning to realize that I'm only one person and can do only so much. That is helping me to be self forgiving and not such a hard task master. I'm actually getting a lot more done that way than to see it ALL as overwhelming by being taken altogether as ONE BIG NAGGING TASK that MUST be done ALL AT ONCE and if I don't do it ALL AT ONCE, I am a failure and full of GUILT. Nuts to that!!
So I'm looking forward to tomorrow and my new T calling me on the phone AND the new "coach" calling me late the next day for the first time. I assume that we'll be setting more specific "goals" together, and I relish that idea!!
Get this! Yesterday morning (up all night; waited until the sun came up) at about 7am I was dressed and headed out to the car (the CAR!) and headed out to get my blood work done for my appointment with my doctor today. Once that was finished, I went by the market and picked up 6 family packs of pork steaks that were on sale for $1.18/lb (SO YUMMY + MY favorite keto food), 3 full 24-can cases of chicken broth on sale (for soups and gravies - I buy them on the cheap now and use them over the year), and some veggies, then filled my car with gas, and went to the bank!! Once home, I rested while DS hauled it all into the kitchen for me to put away, and then I slowly put it all away, at least well enough so that nothing spoiled. I'll finish it today, plus make some bread and mayo, and go see my doctor late afternoon. DS says he wants to go, too, but if not, I'm fine to go by myself.
Yes, I look forward to speaking to my T and my coach later on. Doing all these chores has reminded me of who I really am, that I'm not just some isolated invalid cowering in my room due to MD's treatment of me decades ago!! No, this time it's MD who is the invalid in HER room at the locked Alzheimer's facility, put there by my brother, and overseen by the hospice people from another building on the property. She had a house, a GORGEOUS home my father had provided her with (and it was ALL PAID FOR!!), HER DREAM HOME. She wanted to stay there, but my DB (with great pressure from his wife) forced her into the nursing home, sold her home so she can't go back, and controls her money now. My father warned her before he passed: be careful of your money! More and more, as I shake the muck off my own shoes and move on with my life, I can see what a dependent and cowardly foolish woman MD is. She's always been this way, and I can see why she saw all of her own value in being a fastidious housekeeper and caretaker of her own family. It really was her "ticket to ride". She has little else to offer. Or HAD. For now she is locked away, craving death, but those around her need her to "be alive" (not to LIVE) so they can milk her for her last penny. Wow. I believe that that is why DB has enlisted the hospice people to come in and observe her. "Is it time for her to be whisked away to the hospice???" I can guarantee that I won't be told until she's long gone. (Blessedly!!) But then the entire estate goes to him and his spendthrift wife to blow.
My father was in that exact same hospice 3 yrs. before his death. His doctor had put him in there by mistake, but MD and DB were quite prepared to let him die. The hospice staff were not feeding him nor even giving him water - he was to DIE and they were helping him to do just that. When I got there, he begged me to allow him to go back home and let him die there. My DB was dead set against it, but MD was not as stubborn, and after quite a bit of FIGHTING with the hospice people (greedy bastards!!), he was released home where he lived for 3 more years until his death (by my brother slipping a black pill under his tongue that the "good" hospice people had given him to "help him pass"). That pill had sat on the kitchen sideboard for all those 3 yrs., waiting, and my brother used it to kill my father 7 min. before I would have reached the house. When he called me to let me know my father was already dead, he said, "Do you still want to come?" and I said no. Not necessary.
And I took my Bereavement Leave from work AT MY OWN HOME less than a mile away from my parent's home for the next 3 days and then returned to work. Sometimes it's tough not to be bitter, but my father had helped me by saying to me the Saturday before his death when I went to visit him in his home, "I love you, Honey." He had trouble speaking, AND he had to wait for MD to leave the room first, but when she walked in the other room, he told me he loved me and patted my hand.
And when she did walk back in, he jumped away from me like he was caught "in the act" with a hooker!!! Good grief!! I was his DAUGHTER, his FIRST BORN, for Pete's sake!! What he did by saying goodbye that way was a kindness to me and for me. But still she tried to keep us estranged from each other and he went along with it. It was always her way or the highway.
And now she is old and wanting death herself, but now that the hospice is making money off her, my father's money, they'll keep her going even if they have to prop her up like "A Weekend at Bernie's"!! They won't even give my DB that little black pill for her - for they don't WANT her to "pass". Perfect justice!!
Thanks for letting me vent. It still hurts a bit, being the butt of that hatred and abandonment and shunning joke for so many decades. But NOW I have food to put away while my bread is baking...right after my nice wake-up shower. ♥♥LOVE YOU ALL!!♥♥ Thank heavens for this site to dump all the pain, knowing that "the internet is forever" and that at least I can "tell on her" for all to see. That gives me some peace.
Now off to my keto kitchen! ♥♥♥