Letting go

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:37 am

Hey Fleur and all! I'm finding that the more I "let go" of MD and all her toxicity, BOTH historically and currently, the more I'm getting done FOR ME and in MY own home! YAY! It really feels good!

I got up this morning (actually around 10 pm yesterday evening :lol: ) and am doing all my indoor chores before DS bug bombs the garage. The utilities guy will be out here to relight the water heater, I got the new "ultrasonic" bug repellents delivered yesterday (one is for the garage after the fogging), the temps are down, and it's time to investigate what's out there, especially in the mystery boxes. Packed up in a rush nearly 19 yrs. ago, who knows what's in them? Cooties? Maybe...but they'll be dead. (Hopefully!) I have high hopes for the "pest repellents". I've got a nice big one for the garage. I figure we're going through all this upset (turn off water heater, set off the bug bomb, wait for 2 hrs. minimum, wait for the utility man to come out and relight our water heater...and hope that we got all the black widows.) :roll: It is still creepy out there scrounging through the ancient boxes, but it is necessary and just think how nice it will be once this chore is DONE! I'm thinking about having the garage floor painted and sealed and having the walls painted, too. My gosh, it will be SO NICE out there! ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL!!! How nice is that! 8-)

My bedroom is looking mighty good, too. I've gone through all the messy papers all over, stacked up on top of anything stationary. I sorted it all out during this last heat wave that is just now ending. Blessedly, it will be 70-80ºF straight through as far out as they predict! Perfect garage cleaning weather, but in this last week I sorted papers...LOTS AND LOTS of papers! Some were important, some were simply trash. Now there are only some books up on my chest of drawers held by nice new bookends (very pretty!). The papers that are necessary HAVE A HOME to be in and are put away there (hanging file container). NO MORE CLUTTER! AMAZING!! And once the garage is cleared out somewhat (the middle cleared out and swept/vacuumed), DS and I will bring the big roll top desk out of the computer room to the garage for sale. Out with the old and in with the new.

=============================(Tuesday evening)

Garage was bug bombed successfully, so now it's time to go out and begin the cleaning. I'll do that in the morning. Going to bed now. I'm all tuckered out. Zzzzzzz!! And look how early it is! <patting myself on the back!> :lol:

Honeybera

Fleur
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Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Oct 02, 2019 3:52 am

Hello honeybera


Great to read from you. Glad garage has been bug bombed. Any chance of other nasty critters residing inside boxes? Hopefully the "bomb" has killed them all


Wishing you and son a lovely time of sifting, sorting
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Oct 16, 2019 9:46 am

Hey there...

I baked more Keto yeast bread today. It comes out better and better each time I do it. Same with the mayo (nice and thick and creamy and FULL FAT). Way better than the grocery store brands! Add a hamburger (or cheeseburger) between one or two homemade bread slices and topped with a nice pickle (dill or sweet since they do make them without regular sugar and use Splenda or erythritol instead), some lettuce, bacon, even avocado, onion, and tomatoes, and that's one tasty burger!! :mrgreen: I'm really getting the hang of this WOE.

I don't know if I'm losing weight or not, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I FEEL so much better! And there's so much room in my muumuus that the old muumuus sort of drape and bag on me anymore and are beginning to fall off my shoulders. I just ordered a new one last night because it was so darned cute with little dogs on it, but this time I got it in a 2x instead of the usual 3x. The ones I have now are just too big for me anymore. (NOT complaining!) :mrgreen:

I'm still having a difficult time getting outside of my room or the kitchen and getting chores done. Sitting here at the computer is ok, but not even going into the garage is ok anymore, and I can SEE what I'd LIKE to do with the garden/backyard area, but I just look at it and THINK instead. I have it all planned out, but I can't get it done by just THINKING about it. I've paid my bills, done the dishes, made the bread, dreamed about how to prune up the yard, even been copying down recipes again, but I can't seem to get out of my own way and get BUSY. I putter, and I even get things done, like the small chores listed above, but there's SO MUCH to be done. I thought today that maybe I should just quit trying to manage the entire household finances PLUS do all the yard work outside, PLUS do all the cooking and cleaning, PLUS reorganize the entire garage AND the computer room...and so on. Just like Mark Twain said, "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then starting on the first one." (What a brilliant man!) It sounds like puttering to me, and it is all SLOWLY coming together. I guess eventually it will.

But from time to time it does get quite overwhelming! I guess I have to just stop and forgive myself. I'd ask for help, but from whom and what could they really DO? No, this is organization, and either I do it or it doesn't get done. It's just going to take some time to do it and I have to remember to be very patient with myself.

====================================(writing again after a couple of weeks of being busy and also at peace in my life)

The front room has few to no extra boxes that need to be cut up, but DS has a TON of stuff in there from when he "cleaned his room". He did it so quickly by filling up the space in the front room with old clothes and his room's contents, and when I asked him if he wanted a second dresser, he said yes. So...I believe that I can help him sort out what he needs and what can be donated and if he still feels he needs that second dresser, I'll get it for him. He's trying so hard to sort of "get it" when organizing; it's not a problem for me to help him achieve his goals, as long as it's not off putting to him. He prefers being independent. He also has a BIG BUNCH of plastic individual drawers that just need to be cleaned off, filled up with all these clothes, etc. to be kept, and slipped under his new bed so he can access them. We'll get there eventually.

The kitchen is getting better, too. I was about to buy more airtight sealing canisters/containers for all the different flours and unusual ingredients I use nearly daily, but then I remembered the TWO FULL CABINETS FULL of the exact same thing I was going to buy on Amazon! I had already purchased it at 50% off many years ago when I was still working, and I stored my happy purchase away in the hobby room...and promptly forgot all about it! :lol: So that gives me more room to store other stuff in those cabinets AND can save the expense of buying them AGAIN because these are just what I need. There's still a LOT to do, but I'm getting there.

I've gotten the bread making (and mayo making, etc.) down to a science! I make two loaves at a time, slice it up, and put it in the fridge - so now we can have sandwiches and toast, a real treat for us, AND it's extremely high in fiber and tastes great! We also are finding a real love of Keto pound cake which I make in many flavors (maple/walnut, spice, banana/nut, even chocolate), and there are many recipes available online that are really delicious. I have a piece of it as dessert with my OMAD. I'm making a nice Curry Chicken Salad today with celery slices (and a touch of raisin extract for added flavor) and also a Mexican Chicken Enchilada soup. I'm finding the trick to be always having Keto items at the ready whenever I get actually hungry. It really helps. I'm about to make some Chocolate-Dipped Macaroons (my FAVORITE cookie ever!) since all the ingredients are Keto friendly. Again, only a couple as a dessert for dinner. Most Keto food is very filling and keeps me full for a LONG time!

I'm using my KitchenAid stand mixer more, too (like for my macaroons), and am about to address my monster of a Breville food processor! So many Keto recipes use them. I am allowing myself to buy the best, so why not familiarize myself with them...as friends. On America's Test Kitchen they recommend Breville, and I can see why, but these are some mighty machines! :shock: (I also have a Breville toaster oven that actually fades my electric lights when it's turned on, so we don't turn it on...sadly.) I can make an exception for the food processor. It doesn't pull so much electricity (blessedly!) even though it is wicked powerful!!! I need it to "rice" my cauliflower, make dough, and so on. So that's next, just as soon as I label all my "new" canisters and finish clearing off the table completely and bringing in a chair from the garage. That all should be accomplished today! :mrgreen:

I use some pretty unusual ingredients in my cooking (vital wheat gluten, oat FIBER [not oat FLOUR], psyllium husks [ground and whole], coconut (flour, "chips", and shredded), almond flour, xanthan gum, inulin [not insulin!], erythritol, and the list goes on). BUT not ONE BIT of sugar or grains or starch! Those items are like poison to me! So it's banana flavored bread with real toasted walnuts. That sort of thing. I wish I had someone to share this with that was also on Keto. :(

===================================(watching Dr. Phil)

OMG, digging up MD AGAIN! :roll: Dr. Phil put up a list called CHILDREN EXPOSED TO VIOLENCE IN THE HOME MAY:
1. Exhibit violent, risky, or delinquent behavior
2. Run away
3. Engage in teenage prostitution
4. Commit sexual assault
5. Have depression, severe anxiety
6. Attempt suicide
7. Abuse drugs and alcohol
8. Have limited social skills, difficulty learning
DANG! :roll: I've been affected SERIOUSLY by #s 1, 5, 6, and 8. I also abused food and cigarettes, so #7 as well? Daddy didn't "assault Mommy in front of me", but MD assaulted ME on a nearly daily basis, verbally, emotionally, MENTALLY, and absolutely PHYSICALLY. Boy oh boy, do I ever need to LET IT GO, beginning with MYSELF first, absolving myself of any wrongdoing or blame considering what that woman (unfortunately my own mother) was doing to me. Things were so different back then in the mid-1940s and the 1950s and 1960s when I was growing up. One had to be acting out violently and psychotically to get the attention of the courts for commitment. There were no T's to be visited on an outpatient basis. If a person had issues of some sort, it was to be taken up with a family member or clergy of some sort. I just muddled through somehow, riddled with guilt and shame until the 1970s and after my 2nd divorce. (Haven't been married since! ;) ) MD made SURE to BLAME ME alone for both marriage failures! In 20/20 hindsight, it was so much more complicated than that! I was SO DESPERATELY UNPREPARED for LIFE, but once married, MD slammed the doors into their lives behind me and LOCKED IT UP! Then they moved away to over here, 100 miles away, severing the ties to my family even further. I stayed behind in my home town, finally buying my home over here in 2001 (so I'd have a place for my DS to live) and permanently moving here myself when I retired several years later.

In the early years though, there wasn't much "mental health" available for people like me. I remember feeling like I was a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that wasn't there. Horrible feeling! Now I can maintain, but back then I had no idea of what was going on with me. Now I call it Complex PTSD, but back then it was just an intense internal confusion and MD loved to keep it going inside me to "make her feel better/superior" to me. She did this to ALL females in her life, but I was the most convenient and defenseless. Handy, I guess you'd say. When I was around 30, I heard of something called "anxiety" and "panic attacks" from my oldest son's court-appointed T, but there were no computers then, no internet, no Xerox (copy) machines, and not even many self help books in the library. This T showed me an article in a book and let me look at it...briefly! That article began my own curiosity re: MD, and from that came the first glimmer of self forgiveness and self awareness and the climb out of the dark hole I was in. Slowly, slowly, over many years I understood what had happened to me and as it unraveled I became more determined to not allow MD to rule me and my life: "How much power are you going to give her?". My job as a bus driver when I was about 40 helped to give me much needed self respect and money. I am so much happier now! And grateful, too.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it's been. - Grateful Dead ;)
Honeybera

Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Thu Oct 17, 2019 7:44 am

Wowee, honeybera, you seem to have had all kinds of internal issues as well as some from outside lately

Hopefully, the pendulum has swung back to a happily busy lifestyle

Great to know you have keto cookery done to a science, with various changes to maintain interest in what is on the menu


Sending caring thoughts your way
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Oct 18, 2019 6:54 am

{{{{{{{ Hey Fleur! }}}}} Thanks for reading all of that! I do get verbose sometimes. :oops:
Fleur wrote:
Thu Oct 17, 2019 7:44 am
Hopefully, the pendulum has swung back to a happily busy lifestyle
It has! :mrgreen: And there's plenty to do around here and I'm never bored! What a blessing that is. ♥♥♥

It really is just in how I look at things. To "feel overwhelmed" is simply not listening to the ever-green sage wisdom of Mark Twain and ratcheting in my focus on whatever is overwhelming me, minimizing it to the point of being a manageable task, and then taking on the remaining task to the best of my ability. I believe it was...
Thoreau [that] said, "Our lives are frittered away in details...simplify,simplify" meaning that people are concerned too much by insignificant things and not those that are truly important.
I've been trying to follow all this advice lately. What is important and what is not? As my dear Grandpa used to say: "In a hundred years, what will it matter?"

Quite a long time ago I began to understand that whenever I started saying to myself or feeling, "OMG!!!" to whatever thought was running through my mind at that moment, it was a strong signal to me that I needed to slow down and really take a hard look at what was upsetting me. Then I began to question "why?": why I felt like that, why I was allowing it to happen, and then why I was allowing the feelings to intrude on me.

I also have pretty much dumped all the pain lavished on me by MD on here. THANK YOU, isurvive.org!!!! I've always felt the need "to tell" on her!! She can't get away with all that abuse Scot free and have it kept in silent secret forever! The old feelings or reactions to MD still pop up from time to time in my own behavior, but I guess that's to be expected. It's gone on for so many years. The crying sessions when I'd remember all the pain, mental, emotional, and physical, are less and less frequent and the river of tears as I grieved my childhood away is slowing to a stop...FINALLY! I thought I'd cry forever. My T told me that crying was a flushing process, and now I know that's true. Instead I look up at my 16th birthday gift from my Grandma which hangs on the wall in my room and reflect. It was a surprising gift for me, a set of beautifully framed photographs of me at about 2-3 yrs. old, and I say to myself, "Who wouldn't feel absolutely blessed by God for having such a pretty little blonde, green-eyed, and healthy baby girl like that?" My sparkling bright eyes in the 5 posed shots show an adorable baby, very intelligent, and certainly not an "ugly" one by any means! Although I wondered about it at the time, my Grandma knew exactly what she was doing giving me that set of pictures. ;)

My life is not over yet, though. I'm still here! And I can still walk, I can cook, I can clean my home and organize it. I can still drive my car and manage my own home. I'm doing better than some, but it is a gift and I need to either use it or lose it. And appreciate it! And that's what I've determined to do.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Oct 17, 2019 7:44 am
Sending caring thoughts your way
And the same right back to you...♥♥♥

Honeybera (Got a garage calling to me and a weedeater that needs a bit of use in the yard...weather here is gorgeous and needs me in it! Time for bed. :mrgreen: )

Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sat Oct 19, 2019 10:09 am

Hello honeybera


Wishing you a happily productive weekend in your garage and garden


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Oct 23, 2019 1:19 am

G'day, Fleur!
Fleur wrote:
Sat Oct 19, 2019 10:09 am
Wishing you a happily productive weekend in your garage and garden
Oh, I wish I deserved such support from you. :( I got some things done in the kitchen. DS was having a very lonely birthday and so I made him a very nice keto dinner and a keto cake (which turned out heavenly - I now have a lovely basic pound cake recipe and can use that and different flavors to make any cake "flavor" I want to with a little imagination - YAY!). As I was doing all this cooking (and laundry and some normal household chores, plus I made a couple of loaves of that keto bread), I began clearing a bit more off the kitchen table - and what I found there just put my day to a screeching halt!!! It was a bunch of old journals (1977) and handmade cards from my kids for Mother's Day (1990s). DD actually did cartoon art work on hers (she's very talented, but never believed she was). DS made his on the computer when he was 11 in 1997. It was so sweet and you could really tell he put his heart into it. I burst into tears - y'know, the old grief crying that I lately haven't done.

I realized that MD was abused, so she abused me, I abused my oldest son, he abused my DD, and she abused my DS. :roll: This is how this insidious thing travels through families, generation after generation. Wow. I remember WAY back when I was a child: just after a severe beating for some dumb thing (for a real reason or not because it never mattered anyway), I got my baseball and glove out for a game and while waiting for my friends to come play, standing on the manhole cover (home plate), and said to myself as I wiped away the bitter tears, "I WILL NEVER DO THIS TO A CHILD OF MINE!!!!" And yet I did. I beat my oldest child, and he then hurt my DD, and so on.

When I read those cards, it all came back to me: the sweet innocence of my own kids and the history of who we are brought back to me. And then I opened up the 1977 journal I'd written when pregnant with my DD. OMG. And I began to read a bit here and a bit there. And all of it was PAINFUL to read! I still hadn't figured out much of the MD saga yet, so I was massively confused. I was pregnant, completely dependent on DD's father aka my boyfriend, and still deeply in the mental fog and dependency sickness that MD had crafted for me so that SHE could feel superior towards me (which wasn't difficult considering my unfortunate circumstances)! The journal goes on to tell about how he left me at 8 months pregnant to run off with the wife of another guy where he worked (they're still married as far as I know), leaving me without a car (he'd worked on mine and "fixed" it by pulling out the entire wiring harness and leaving it UNFIXED) AND my hyperactive "tweaky" older son, then 9 yrs. old, plus a DD on the way (she was my first Caesarean - I was SO unprepared for that), and ABSOLUTELY NO FAMILY HELP!! At that time I was still calling MD regularly on COSTLY LONG DISTANCE (since she was over here 100 miles away from me) because I still believed that she would "change", that she would somehow understand and help me or comfort me or be kind to me somehow, not realizing her end game was exactly what she was getting.

I ABRUPTLY PUT THE JOURNAL DOWN!!!! I know the end of the story now, but rereading the horrible wrenching pain I was going through was just too much. I feel so SORRY for that "me". I want to comfort her and hold her and tell her how the future will turn out, but that's not the way life goes, is it? So instead I walked down the hallway in tears, knocked on DS's door, gave him a BIG HUG and told him how much I love him! I am not back there in pain anymore. I will reread that journal later (especially without the shock value of not knowing what is in it). I feel a need to look at it and face it...and probably to comfort myself now and reassure myself that it's ok now and that I'm not there anymore!!!!!!

Change of subject: I am autistic, and social interaction, even online, is difficult for me. I know this may sound sort of petty to a lot of you, but considering the impact of social media on many people, perhaps it's understandable. I got into a cell phone game way back when N was still my friend. He abandoned the game, but I went on to play. I really enjoy this game!! The years have gone by and I was in this certain "neighborhood" (we called ourselves "family" and "helpers"), but the leader that I considered a nice man and a friend insulted me. I was a co-leader and felt really badly about being brusquely chewed out like that in chat in front of everyone and after he'd done that the game became bland to me and not fun anymore. Several players complained about "moochers" and "freeloaders" in our game and were also rudely chewed out by our leader. So I just left and joined another neighborhood. I'm a really good player and am very supportive of my fellow players, but in the next neighborhood I found that, like in my original neighborhood, people would sign up to play, but in reality did nothing AGAIN, yet happily got "prizes" we'd all earned by doing tasks all week!! They'd done NOTHING, and STILL everyone got the prizes, EVEN THE LOAFERS!!!

So rather than complain about it again (especially having been there for only two weeks), I just left. Hey, I was looking for a nice neighborhood when I found this new one, so I went looking for another place to play, but one that demanded more of ALL of their players...and I believe I've found one! So I joined them last night and tonight at 1 am I'm going to "opt in" for the tasks involved and PLAY PLAY PLAY!! EVERYONE completed their tasks last week (like I have for year after year in the original neighborhood) and they've let me join already, so I'm pretty happy about that! :mrgreen: I just can't stand it when someone wants to get something for nothing and drags down the entire team just so they can get something "for free". Mama don't play that!! But it was sort of scary leaving a couple of "bad" and undisciplined groups who let the unworthy slide while making the good players just take it. I'm really glad I put on my grown up pants and just did it. I'm better off now!! :P

I've come a long way in my ability to manage stressful situations! I'm proud of myself. I wish no one ill. If they wish to play with moochers and cheaters, so be it, but I won't be participating with them, that's for sure. I have great hopes for this new "team". The new task games begin every Tuesday at 1am (locally - it's an international game) and I'm ready, in fact, chomping at the bit! YAY!! :mrgreen:

Tomorrow is an errand day: bank, grocery store, but then the garage. For some reason, I just can't get it in gear to get out there, so TONIGHT I'm going to go STAND out there and kind of think about it: what goes/happens FIRST? Once I start out there, it just seems to flow for me. All week is great weather, cool with no rain yet! So no more excuses. I slept until 4:00 pm today, leaving only a couple of hours of work time, so that's why the discipline of standing out there and taking stock even after dark - or I can even begin working if I can. Why is that garage SO DARNED DIFFICULT for me to do??? Maybe it's all the "deciding" of what goes where and how. But we need that garage floor space to display what we are selling (rolltop, little desk, lawn mower, etc.), like a mini garage sale...literally! :lol:

But something is making me balk. I'll figure it out. But standing out there with the one bare bulb light illuminating that creepy spidery place and just looking around may have to do it for tonight. I just need to get to it! And then come in and eat, finish the laundry, watch my news shows, and get to bed shortly after 1am tonight. Sounds like a plan! :mrgreen:

And off I go to the garage (AGAIN! I hope I actually DO IT this time!!)

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am

Hello honeybera


Just having spiders and creepy crawlies would put me off doing something in an area. Hopefully, the pest control you used a little while ago has lingering effects

You HAVE been busy from what you share inside your home

Can understand how those cards, journal, undid you - may re-reading be positive

Agree about the generational abuse. It's horrible. Like you, I vowed I'd never hurt any future child... However, I did. Only difference was that I'd always apologise, promising to do my best to not hurt again - sadly, occurred more than once or twice

We can only behave, think, as we have knowledge. You now know more about life in general and your mother in particular than you did whilst pregnant. I'm really sorry to know that your boyfriend left you when you were expecting his daughter

May you have lots of fun with the virtual neighbours in your online international game

Again, I feel very sad that you and others were treated so shabbily by some players and leaders. Hopefully, this time around shall be much more civilised and happy people who are working towards shared goals

Glad you hugged your son - is that a regular experience or a rare occurrence? Please wish him a belated happy birthday from me 🎁 (an imaginary gift box of whatever his heart desires)

Hugging you as you ponder the past as brought to mind by cards, etc from all those years ago

Trust the weather remains pleasant as you act on your thoughts to best arrangements


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Oct 29, 2019 5:42 pm

Hi Fleur!
Fleur wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am
Just having spiders and creepy crawlies would put me off doing something in an area. Hopefully, the pest control you used a little while ago has lingering effects
Yes, hopefully. As of yet, I haven't been out to the garage...not even to stand there and take stock of what's ahead. I'm beginning to think that I'm depressed and am just not that interested in "cleaning" anymore, but I really hope not. I used to hate "being alone" and had to actually painstakingly learn the difference between "loneliness" and "being alone". There is a difference, and for me it's a really big one! I am rarely "lonely" anymore and actually enjoy my privacy and being alone. Having my computer really helps here. It is a constant "friend" for me and doesn't mind being called up at 2am or 2pm for my comfort and entertainment. But if all this is true for me, why can't I simply go out and putter/tinker/explore the garage? And how about the garden? It's the same old thing. I simply avoid them. Even the kitchen is suffering, but being my food supply is there, it's not quite so bad. However, I haven't printed out a new keto recipe in weeks. I am looking VERY forward to the first of the year and that CBT therapy beginning. Maybe they can give me a new way of viewing and doing things.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am
Agree about the generational abuse. It's horrible. Like you, I vowed I'd never hurt any future child... However, I did. Only difference was that I'd always apologise, promising to do my best to not hurt again - sadly, occurred more than once or twice
You are lucky that it ended after only once or twice. With my oldest son, I treated him like my own personal punching bag (for my own anger release) until he was 6 yrs. old. My son and I were living behind my GM's house at that time (yes, in the little cottage in the back and in the same room, but years after I was treated so cruelly beaten in that same tiny front room -this time it was me with my oldest son when he was little). I swung the full sized ironing board at his back, hit him squarely, and he went down! When I told him to get up, he just laid there, looking lifeless to me. I panicked, but he finally came around. I immediately called CPS on myself and got some counseling...in fact, a LOT of counseling! We'd all meet at a playground and I'd let my hyperactive son play on the playground equipment while we'd sit at a picnic table and talk quietly. That counseling was the beginning of addressing the rage that was in me and that was being released onto my son. It still took several years of deliberate practice to really COMPLETELY STOP allowing that rage to escape on rare occasions, but eventually I did it. I have apologized REPEATEDLY to my older son for all the abuse I laid on him. He always kindly says that it's ok, but it's not - not now and not EVER! I hope he can forgive me.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am
May you have lots of fun with the virtual neighbours in your online international game
This new neighborhood is WONDERFUL!! They are all wonderfully supportive and seem to be genuinely nice to one another. I'm very happy there. People are different in how much time and effort they want to give to the game - and it shows in their play. Oftentimes, their true selves are shown, whether the good or the bad. One reason I left my last two groups was that there are people who come into the game ONLY to slurp up the "derby prizes" that others have worked for. EVIL! Week after week and month after month they rip the good players off and take prizes without even doing ONE task! And week after week they literally mocked us and the "leader" who refused to kick them out of the neighborhood for some reason. I had authority (as co-leader) to kick them out and after other good players begged the leader to kick them out, I finally did it myself. The leader came back with a very snotty and terse demand that I not EVER do that again and that IF it was to be done, HE would do it! Really?? I played for one more week and thought about it. I had been with these folks for longer than I've been here on isurvive!

But I realized that playing was no longer fun. It had gone from fun to "meh". So I left...just like that. No goodbyes, nothing! I went to another neighborhood that shared my political views, but the same 10-15 underachievers (out of a neighborhood of 30) were on there, too, gathering up all the goodies at the end while not doing much of anything for the tasks required. I was feeling pretty despondent. Was I just too good of a player? Or too judgemental? After all, it's only a game. Should I just allow these few rotten apples get away with it? And then I found this group! YAY! AND a new and FREE CBT group ONLINE! So there's hope, and I'm much happier now.

===============================(hours later)

I just got up and went to the kitchen and did a bunch of chores that I've been AVOIDING. I have more to do, but I'm taking a break and eating my OMAD. I also joined a fasting support group led by Dr. Jason Fung, and that is really helping, too. In retrospect, I can SEE and FEEL a big difference in my body, so I'm going to stop trying to second guess myself and keto and just follow what I'm doing (keto food until I'm full ONCE OR TWICE A DAY)

==============================(got sidetracked for a couple of days) :oops:

I just found out that my health insurance covers the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy NOW! They'll pay for it completely with a $0 copay! That's ZERO dollars! My kind of price! :lol: I can do it for an 8-wk. online course (til the first of the year) and then they'll let me do it again if necessary. I have high hopes for this. Maybe get me out of my doldrums. I need to get going right now: off to the bank, get my eye exam + glasses ordered (so I can read my neglected books up close again, thank God!!), run to my favorite grocery store for a few chuck roasts on sale ATM, and then the Coup de grâce, purchasing a new Keto ice cream that looks VERY promising and comes in Vanilla and Chocolate flavors AND in a Mint Choc. Chip flavor that is DS's favorite! Then home. That's a lot for me to do...and then either a bit of work in the backyard or in the garage...or both. And then (after putting on one of those beef chuck roasts to slow cook in the oven smothered in onions and mushrooms...drool!! while I work outside) have my OMAD and then off to bed soon afterward. What a day! I hope it's not just a pipe dream again. :roll:

I'm beginning to see exactly what interests me and what doesn't. And I'm ok with that. First thing today I'm going to see about that CBT, THEN get dressed and get the heck out of here!

You have no idea just how much I appreciate all of you and this opportunity to heal up and LET GO of all the pain from before. THANK YOU!!

Honeybera♥♥♥
Fleur wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am
Glad you hugged your son - is that a regular experience or a rare occurrence? Please wish him a belated happy birthday from me 🎁 (an imaginary gift box of whatever his heart desires)
He was touched by your good wishes for his birthday. That was very sweet of you. Thanks! And yes, we hug all the time and say I love you, too. He's a good kid.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:38 am
Hugging you as you ponder the past as brought to mind by cards, etc from all those years ago
Much appreciated, Fleur! That which has hurt me so much in the past can only serve to make me stronger. :mrgreen:

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Oct 30, 2019 2:23 pm

Hello honeybera


Woo-hoo -- that's great news about zero cost to you for the CBT

Are you seeing a therapist face to face these days?

You seem to share that you work best with a deadline, such as trades people or delivery expected. Merely a guess. Maybe early life impacts you into being overwhelmed and although Mark Twain and others say about breaking the big picture into manageable tasks, those early messages sneak in? Only, now, there's no MD to take charge. Hopefully, CBT can help forge new ways of being

Yes - huge difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I feel loneliest when in a crowd

Depressive behaviour can be tricky to pinpoint. You know yourself best. However, I tend to agree with your diagnosis when you apparently have ceased doing things for a while, such as writing/sorting recipes

Trust you've done all the listed activities you mentioned - if not, perhaps they'll be ticked as accomplished in next few days

Really glad the new virtual neighbours are genuinely interested in attempting tasks, much nicer by the way you write

I smiled at your wise comment about computers being available at any time as a friend

We cannot change history. We can determine our now to enjoy a healthier, happier future - a reasonable goal

May you soon return to having more balance in day time for activity and night mostly for sleeping. Tuesdays being an exception


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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