Letting go

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Fleur
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Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am

Hello honeybera


Agree with you about recent events, including Hurricane Dorian - really grateful I'm not in the path - yet also feel for all those who are

Thank you for sharing about your son. Very impressive that he is volunteering/doing things without being asked. In my opinion, a sign of maturity

Great to know your dogs are easier to walk than their mother. Trust you enjoy going out on a regular basis

You won't recognise your home once it is fully restored to glory including paint, flooring

Definitely you are shrugging off the handicap left by MD treatment of your earlier years. Congratulations and well done

Wishing you and your son a beautiful weekend


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 932
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:59 am

I'm taking time out from some household chores and thought I'd sit down here and answer your post. {{{{Fleur}}}}
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am
Agree with you about recent events, including Hurricane Dorian - really grateful I'm not in the path - yet also feel for all those who are
I fear for what the Bahamians are about to discover re: death tolls. My heart goes out to them and the Floridians due to all the heartbreaking losses there. I can't even imagine what they're going through. Although I don't even like the American Red Cross, I am seriously considering donating money to them since I can't be there to help. So sad!!

I just had a hummingbird visit my dilapidated salvia out there and then fly back and forth by my WOW as if to say, "Hey Lady! It's not as hot right now. How about fixing up my plants for me??" :lol: I have let the whippy weeds (aka Morning Glories) grow freely for now as they entangle themselves in my fruit trees, smothering them in a veritable shroud, but just so my dear little hummers still have fresh flowers to sip nectar from and until I get my new hummingbird garden set up out there. It shouldn't take long, maybe a couple of months, and the whippy weeds won't be blooming then anyway.

In the Spring, I'm also getting someone professional to plant my new bare root fruit trees to block my 2 story house neighbor's direct view down into my bedroom. In the wintertime, when it's cold and the deciduous trees have no leaves on them, it doesn't matter because the neighbor's Venetian blinds are closed constantly, but in the summertime, they open them up along with the window. A nice big tree with leaves on it would block that uncomfortable view when I work in my garden or sit at my computer in the evening. Between the trees will be my WILDLY-attractive-to-hummingbirds plants. So no irksome staring and instead tons of hummingbirds and butterflies and bees as my view. NICE!! :mrgreen: And it needs minimal watering (fruit trees and heat/drought tolerant plants), just once a week or so of a thorough watering. How could it be better?

Oh wait! I know!! Fresh veggies from the dog's yard! All veggies and berries (except strawberries) will be over there, too. I'm doing the tomatoes, peppers, and squash, but not as crazily as this year. Just a few of each. And I'm thinking of trying a winter garden this year as well. Onions, broccoli, carrots, peas, and maybe a cauliflower or two. I'll use the seeds I already have.

And OMG! THE PRUNING!!!! So much pruning to do!! But as long as I am able to do it, why not? I'm beginning to UNDERSTAND "pruning": it's not to punish the plant/tree/whatever, but to train it in a certain way for its own health. Not being mean, just helping the plant or tree. And my responsibility is to UNDERSTAND what each individual plant or tree needs, how I can prune it for its best growth in the coming year. Much like we should treat our children. And these living things even need to be "fed" special nutrients to really grow properly, and amazingly, they are the same things we need! Fertilizers are called N-P-K (nitrogen-phosphorus-potassium) and some have "micronutrients" like magnesium and other essentials. I can even use Epsom Salts, just regular old Epsom Salts, to avoid Blossom End Rot on my tomatoes. I found that fascinating!! When taking Chemistry years ago in college, I was shocked to learn that we're all made of the same things, too: my hummingbirds and the nectar they drink from the salvia bush and the salvia bush and ME: all made of the same basic things, just rearranged! It's something to consider.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am
Thank you for sharing about your son. Very impressive that he is volunteering/doing things without being asked. In my opinion, a sign of maturity
I told him the same thing. We all like an "Attaboy!!" every once in a while. It's like living with a different person, a grown up one!! I told him, "You're no longer my little boy. You are acting like a man and I'm proud of you and how you've turned out, the son I raised!" :mrgreen: Approval and acceptance can be powerful things for a person to hear and feel.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am
Great to know your dogs are easier to walk than their mother. Trust you enjoy going out on a regular basis
:oops: Uh....! That was the only time...SO FAR. I'm not feeling too guilty, though: I have been doing a LOT MORE around the house and you're right! It's beginning to show! What I'm doing is, instead of eating, I get busy and then I forget about eating because I wasn't hungry in the first place. If I keep thinking about food when I'm working and/or doing chores or my stomach keeps growling, then I eat. But that rarely happens. I treat myself like a 2 yr. old and just distract myself by doing something necessary. And that in turn gives me a real boost and a feeling of pride after it's done. That really works for me and is fulfilling in a soul-deep way. I often find that that is the "food" I really needed. During my lifetime of dieting, I read a book called "Love Hunger" which differentiates between "stomach hunger" (true hunger) and "love hunger" (trying to quench the need for love with food). So...once the myriad of chores around this place are done (except for the "Damn Dailies", as Dr. Phil puts it), I'll probably turn to taking a dog out for a run to the mailbox a half a block away. Happy times for both of us. ;)
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am
You won't recognise your home once it is fully restored to glory including paint, flooring
I haven't thrown out the family room dog's window sill ANCIENT old dried up and spider web infested dog "treats". They are treats no longer. So this is an easy call: OUT THEY GO! Wipe down the window sill with bleach water, sweep off the blinds, and so on. And then pull out the Rubbermaid plastic settee (with storage under the seat), unbox and assemble it (with DS's help), and set it up next to the dog's indoor pen. I'm doing that after making dinner for us (pork steaks, mashed Faux-tatoes, and pork chop gravy! YUM) and putting away all the other pork steaks. There is always something to keep me busy. I got a new flat mop that I'm IN LOVE WITH!!! It comes with a bucket that I can lift easily for filling and dumping (so I don't have to bother DS) and I use it almost daily. Any little mess on the floor and WHAMMO! It's GONE.

Also when DS "cleaned" his room and I got him a GORGEOUS new dresser (great buy at Wayfair ON SALE), he took ALL of his clothes out of his room, dumped them into boxes and put them into the front room. :? But now he wants a colleague of his to buy his old car and come into the house (front room) to sign the papers, and there is NOWHERE to sit down and NOWHERE to write anything. It's all stacked up boxes of DS's clothes, our old mattresses, a microwave oven cart, boxes of donations, and so on. It's a big room, but it's packed full. Not "Hoarders" full, but full. So now DS wants to get all of his stuff out, leaving quite a few boxes for me to cut up. I need to vacuum, too. And then get the new vinyl plank floor in there installed!! (Probably by November) Doesn't need any paint in there. Rearrange some things, assemble the HUGE wooden dining room table for DS's D&D game (and to sign papers I suppose: multiple duties) and that's one room down! I bought the chairs for the table several years ago and they're sitting, still in their shipping coverings, still brand new, in the family room, right in my way. It's like doing a puzzle.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:46 am
Definitely you are shrugging off the handicap left by MD treatment of your earlier years. Congratulations and well done
Thanks Fleur! I'm about to get bookends for my room to hold all my Keto books. That "maniacal housekeeper" MD used to say, "A place for everything and everything in its place." She also said that if she hadn't used it in 3 months, out it goes! It was often quite unnerving for she used to throw out my things, too, or things that I held dear! I am not that bad, but I'm really liking my own room and how orderly and clean it's become! The boxes at the end of my bed are GONE (sorted out and they became either keepers with a designated home, or donations, or trash) and that feels SO GOOD! But now I have my books up on my dresser in stacks and I need some bookends because I read them often sitting at my little reading nook and want a place to keep them handy and looking nice. One day at a time! :mrgreen:

I know that if MD had the opportunity to see my room she would complain about it (in some way or other), and it does need a bit of dusting right now, but I will get to it, and soon (tonight if my strength holds out)! I'll probably whip out my Dyson (cordless and in my closet hanging up and charging on a custom built hanger and at the ready all the time!) and zip around the room with it before dusting. I love that thing!! My room looks GREAT to me. I do have some gardening things in here, but that's because the garage isn't ready for them, but that is coming soon as well.

I'd better make my dinner now. Frying the steaks is no big deal, and the cauliflower is already steamed and waiting for me in the microwave for the Fauxtatoes. I AM SO BLESSED!! The rich and creamy Keto gravy is easy, too. I have been studying this way of cooking for many years now. Oh, and my yeast breads are a snap, too, and I'm getting quite good at it! We always have fresh bread in the fridge, mayo is in there, too, and I'll be making a Keto Lemon Pound Cake today (DS's request) for the freezer. What's not to like? :mrgreen:

I hope all is well with you and yours in your time of grief. I never know what to say when someone's loved one passes, but know that both DS and I send our deepest condolences. {{{{{Fleur}}}}}

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:38 am

Hello honeybera


Agree with you about one day at a time - and cleaning house is very much like a puzzle - which goes where and what to discard

Appreciate your sharing

I found it interesting that you vacuum before dusting - I was taught exact opposite


Happy baking
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 932
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:54 am

My dear Fleur :mrgreen:

Always so good to hear from you!
Fleur wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:38 am
Agree with you about one day at a time - and cleaning house is very much like a puzzle - which goes where and what to discard
Yep, that's the whole game I'm finding. Oh, and once it's straightened up and all that I'm going to keep has an assigned home, then the game becomes keeping it that way. SO EASY! I don't know why I haven't done it this way before! :P

HOWEVER! I do CHOOSE to not take it so far as to make others uncomfortable!! That's what MD did, and I'll have none of it! :roll: But I also understand WHY she did it and was so obsessed with her style of a "clean enough to eat off the floors" house. She had a very low self esteem and by keeping such a clean and "elegant" house she was able to feel somewhat ok about herself...temporarily. It was a brutal task master for her. NO MERCY (in HER mind) for a fleck of dust or an un-ironed pillowcase!! LITERALLY!! And my being born to a 17 yr. old didn't help either. She judged herself (and me) by the standards set that she viewed in the 1940s movie houses, and neither she nor I measured up.

But although I can SEE what happened to bring on her wrath and make me the scapegoat for all the things done by all those around her, she still abused me! I figure that she has arrested at that 17 yr. old level and to this day is still just as cunning, mean, and cruel. So I simply avoid her. I doubt that she even notices. She has my dear brother, the golden child and the world to her, and he is still making a dutiful monthly appearance, so she's "satisfied". (She actually barely tolerates it.) And DB is quite aware that he just has to wait until she kicks off and, as the sole executor of the estate, he finally just pockets whatever money is left. Wow. :? Once my father passed, she made sure that DB got everything. I wonder what the story actually was sometimes, how far back the planning of it went. It was like when DB was given the key to her house (he had one for the ranch, too) while I NEVER had a key to anything, even when I lived with them! I've never been "in the loop", so to speak. Always the outsider. She talked so much about "her son" that the people at the nursing home were shocked that she had a daughter. I'd come late in the evening to visit and I guess she never mentioned me to the staff. I wonder if the people in her bowling league (she bowled for many decades with my father and DB) even knew about me. So sad...

But then I look at what I have accomplished and what I am accomplishing, and it perks me right up again. :mrgreen: I am so determined to crawl out of this abyss and to SHINE once more! After much thought, I'm feeling like I truly deserve to give myself an attagirl! And the BEST part is that the more I do (cleaning up the house and such), the more DS does to help (and help himself, too!). He is trying to do things the "right way" and he is succeeding beyond my wildest dreams for him! "Sweetie, would you please change my light bulb?", and it's DONE! Just like that! He put together that plastic storage bench for me, too! AND he went to the store (Costco with the long lines!!) for me!! WHAT A DOLL! And he's (somewhat slowly, but steadily) finishing cleaning his room!! AND to do that, he's cleaning out the front room (for future company and for his future D&D game) by emptying the boxes with all his clothes in it that he put in the front room. I'm getting ready for new flooring (family room and front room) and painting. Probably the front yard project (solar panels on a heavy duty freestanding patio roof, paving stones or cement, surrounded by a nice 7ft. tall wooden fence with wrought iron, and more RING doorbells/cameras surveillance) will be in the Spring. Privacy! :mrgreen: And it should look really nice, too, and raise my property values! Again: one day at a time.
Fleur wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:38 am
Appreciate your sharing
You know I love to share...and to write. I appreciate you reading all of this! I oughta write a book! :lol:
Fleur wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:38 am
I found it interesting that you vacuum before dusting - I was taught exact opposite
Well, the way I see it is if I vacuum before dusting, all the dust kicked up by vacuuming will settle back down...and then I can pick it up with my duster and all the dust will be gone that way. Just seems logical to me. HOWEVER!!!
When doing your thorough cleaning, dust the room before vacuuming so you can vacuum up the particles that float into the air as you work and settle on the floor. - Martha Stewart

Q. When I'm cleaning a room, what should I do first, vacuum or dust? A. Dust first, then vacuum. Dust, allergens, and other particles are constantly floating through a home's air. To stop your sneezing, wipe your surfaces first using a damp cloth or a microfiber duster, which will trap the dust.
Which Comes First, Vacuuming or Dusting? - Real Simple

And there you have it! I can't argue with Martha Stewart!! :lol: I promise to change my ways! Thanks for the tip, Fleur!! :mrgreen:
Fleur wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:38 am
Happy baking
Next up: Keto Macaroons!! Macaroons are my favorites! I researched how to make them, googled KETO macaroons, and there they were! Super easy to make with my stand mixer and the whisk attachment that came with it. DS can't stand coconut, but he LOVES my pound cake...that's made with coconut flour! (Psst! Don't tell him!) :P But I firmly believe that my macaroons will be safe for me in the freezer. They're basically just coconut, fluffed egg whites, sweetener, [I'm adding some Condensed Milk extract/flavoring + maybe cinnamon?] all mixed up and then baked as cookies until golden brown. YUM!! One or two frozen cookies heated in the microwave for dessert after my OMAD dinner. Sounds good to me! I'm also making Crack Slaw (so good it's addictive like crack) which is merely stir-fried hamburger with fried cabbage [or coleslaw in a bag], onions, garlic, and Chinese oils and spices). And yes, it is GOOD! If you were here, I'd cook you some for dinner! ;) This is FUN!!

Past time for bed now. Oh, and tomorrow I'm planning to go down and get my overdue eye exam and GET SOME GLASSES I CAN SEE OUT OF!! I need to make this a priority! After my cataract surgery, I can see GREAT without my glasses, but for up close, these are my OLD glasses and when they replaced my lens, they took my reading ability away, too, so since these old ones aren't the correct prescription in the right eye and the left one needs upgrading as well, I need the FREE exam and one pair of readers and one pair for computer work. I'm beginning to have to ask DS, "What does this tiny print say, DS?" So yeah, TOMORROW! :roll:

Rest Easy!

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm

Hello honeybera


You have more idea about how your mother schemed than I ever did re Dad

Really a pity the way we were mistreated, as our respective parents missed so much - and we failed to develop healthy boundaries. We are both changing - as is your son

Be wonderful to have a more positive spin on life years ago. We are doing so now, not waiting for another five years (or whatever you might consider being "a piece of string")

Saw T recently. I believe a reason I am hesitating to fully unpack, tidy etc is I don't feel safe here. She agreed. I was unaware I can apply for a transfer on basis that my MH is impacted by environment. Really not wanting to move as location is convenient. However, noise levels something else

Seems to me that each time you post , there are more positives for you. So great

Your mentioning about spectacles, eye check, reminds me that I'm overdue for an optometrist visit. Thank you

Excellent to know that you perceive benefits from having cataract surgery


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 932
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:14 am

Hello dear Fleur :mrgreen:

Wonderful to hear from you as always. {{{{Fleur}}}} Quite a bit of meat and potatoes in your last post. So here goes:
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm
You have more idea about how your mother schemed than I ever did re Dad
I sure do understand the motivations of MD's madness! And to think that it "only" took over 40 yrs. of intense self-acceptance and honesty in therapy to do so! :roll: :lol: The best and most impactful thing I ever heard in therapy was, "How much power are you going to give her?" Well, that and Pete Walker's book on Complex-PTSD. That's where it all began to dawn on me that the way I was treated as a child was completely WRONG AND that I was NOT to blame!

Then MD admitted to me that when all three sisters lived with my great-grandfather during the depths of the Great Depression, he had them all sleeping in the same bed WITH him and he molested her sisters, but not her. She said she was 2 at the time. But she wasn't. She was 5 and had probably lived with him for quite some time. She remembers only her sisters being molested, but I firmly believe that she was as well. Either way, whether 2 or 5 and seeing or being molested, that's a pretty traumatizing thing to go through! I never met the man, but have seen pictures of him. I hear that he was a drunk and worked in a bar sweeping up. He went to a bean packing plant and sifted through the culls (discards) and he also fished in the nearby river, so all they ate was beans and fish. During my childhood, I can't remember one meal we had that included either fish or beans. I can see why she hated them so.

She went through the foster care system and the two youngest sisters (MD and my Aunt M) then were adopted by my thrilled grandparents. Her nickname was that of an ornery, fighting person. She has ALWAYS carried overwhelming bitterness in her heart despite the love my grandparents heaped on her and eventually my father, but my Grandma and Grandpa saved the sweet and steady Midwestern style of deep love for me, the first grandchild. How lucky I was! But then 17 yr. old MD wanted and DEMANDED a perfect baby, and probably due to HER constant stressing over her role (a child raising a child), I actually CRIED as an infant. IMAGINE! :roll: So she dosed me up with Phenobarbital in my formula-filled and propped bottle to shut me up!! She says I was 3 months old. Wow. My grandparents were childless except for one who had died at childbirth, so they had no experience with infants whatsoever, and they both worked all day long, as did my father and all others who lived in my grandparent's home. I was all day long TOTALLY ALONE with an angry, hostile 17 yr. old with no guidance at all!! I'm lucky indeed that I lived at all. She came close to killing me (or allowing me to be killed) many times over in my lifetime. How I survived still amazes me.

BUT HERE I AM!! :lol: :mrgreen: And yes, I do understand how she got so twisted and mean. But does that excuse her? No, I think NOT.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm
Really a pity the way we were mistreated, as our respective parents missed so much - and we failed to develop healthy boundaries. We are both changing - as is your son
Yes, yes it is a pity. What I found most disturbing about all of this is how long I allowed it to go on, not realizing the inherent strength I had in the situation. I HAD A LOT! I just never realized it. Nor did I realize just how to get it and/or use it. You mention boundaries. Boundaries are important, and I'm still learning about them vs. the learned helplessness in which there are no boundaries except for the master(s) of the cage, and the master sure ain't the dog inside!!

I'm sitting here watching my doves outside in my two birdbaths, one for food and one for water: there is often just ONE dove that runs off the other birds. The little finches will come down and eat and ignore the dove and eat beside him, but this dove pecks at other doves (and sometimes the little finches), raising and fluttering his wings at them, and runs them off. OH WOW! Just now: One other dove has taken up a seat on the water birdbath (for drinking) and if any other bird comes, he'll swish his tail in the water or peck at them to scare them, but his eyes are on the bird in the food birdbath, just biding his time and waiting for his chance at the food! How like us they can be, these descendants of raptors! :roll: :|

I'll say this: when the Blue Jay arrives (albeit always briefly) to pick up some sunflower seeds or dried corn (his favorites), the others all leave him alone in the bowl...voluntarily! He is so much bigger than them! He needs no boundaries or limits. He makes his own and just takes care of his own business, then flies away. I can learn from all of them.

=======================================(Same evening)

:o I LOST MY WALLET!!! I searched this place high and low, but no luck!! I was finally about to go to the place for my glasses, began to assemble what I needed to go, and realized that my wallet was NOT in its usual places! I am not a forgetful person and I am a very methodical person, offloading my wallet in precise and predictable places, but I was starting to wonder if the dreaded DEMENTIA was overtaking me!! DS and I searched EVERYWHERE, but could not find it ANYWHERE! It was absolutely terrifying!! I tried to remember the last time I had it (at the Dr's office...a week ago?...longer??), but I stay here in the house so much, I actually had no idea!! Where could I have placed it?? Dropped it?? I considered all that I'd have to change or get replacements for and after we'd searched high and low and ransacked my entire car and the house to no avail, I was about to call the bank and stop my debit card. And then for the third time, I meandered over to my closet...and my eyes fell on a seldom used zippered clutch bag that I use as a purse sometimes (but rarely) - and it came to me!! As I zipped it open, there was my wallet, and I remembered!! And the relief I felt was almost palpable!! All was right again. :mrgreen:

But just seconds before the discovery and while moving towards my closet, I'd been thinking: "This may seem like a terrible thing, and it is, but think of those remembering their loved ones who had been killed 9/11/2001 and more recently in mass shootings. I'll bet they would swap places with YOUR minuscule 'troubles' right now in an instant and without a thought." And WHOOSH! I was then in my closet and my bag was there right where I left it, and as I saw it, I remembered! On a rare whim, I deliberately left my wallet in the bag for the next time I'd go out and then had promptly forgotten it. Divine intervention?? Who knows. I do know that one man's troublesome, painful hangnail means as much to him and brings up as many distracting thoughts as does a diagnosis of a dreaded illness (or worse) for someone else. Everything is relative. My Grandpa used to quip: "In a hundred years, this won't make a difference." :lol: So true!!!
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm
Be wonderful to have a more positive spin on life years ago. We are doing so now, not waiting for another five years (or whatever you might consider being "a piece of string")
Life is short (another truism), especially at my age. Why not be positive? For me, writing down all this in a journal form is HEALING for me, enabling me to move on. I try very hard to not repeat myself (re: the abuses) on here. Once should be enough to "tell on MD" and then LET GO and MOVE ON. Doing this makes me feel not quite so alone and adds to my feelings of strength. I'm sort of like a plastic cup that was left to sit out in the summertime sun: I'm still usable as a cup, but my handle will always be slightly bent. :mrgreen:

I just saw on the news re: homelessness here on the West Coast (USA). A one bedroom apartment is renting for $3000/month! Where I lived before moving here and becoming a homeowner I was paying ("fair market value" on a gov't subsidy) $832/month for a 3 bedroom apt. Then during the Southeast Asian refugee influx (1990s) into my area, my apt. complex decided to become regular rent throughout, and the rent went from $832 to $2319/mo. overnight on Feb. 2001! They did warn us this would happen two years in advance, so I saved up a 20% down over those years (although most of my neighbors did not) and bought the house I'm in now. This happened in Jan. 2001, and they were still constructing my house which would be finished in Aug. 2001. So my daughter and I tried to rent something to live in in the interim and sent my DS, then 14, down to stay with his father and their family. DD and I could find NOTHING to rent! All the "refugees" got there first or had more $$$ to spend as rents for bad areas in horrid conditions kept climbing...but after weeks of looking, we finally found something: a STUDIO apt :roll: , but we made do. We made trip after trip over here (100 miles each way/200 miles round trip) in my minivan, loaded to the gills with everything we had in the world!!! We'd put whatever we brought in that trip into our storage unit over here (where the black widows already there infiltrated all my belongings and that I still fight to this day) and then would drive back over to our studio apt. "home". I was also driving a full time bus driver's job! Busy times. :?

The house was finally built and moved into in Aug. 2001...almost exactly one month before 9/11! In fact, I was on the phone with my DD when the 2nd plane hit the building. I had no TV to see it because I hadn't hooked up cable yet. And then I hear tonight that the average rent on a ONE bedroom apt. where I used to live costs a MINIMUM of $3000/month, and the relief I felt when finding my wallet today was equaled! I pay around HALF that now on my mortgage!! And this is a BIG house, not just a small apt. with one tiny bedroom!! Thank God I moved!!! And that I moved when I did!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I AM GRATEFUL for being so LUCKY to be in the right place in the right time. At the time, it didn't seem to be very lucky at all. In fact, it was a very trying time for me. Exhausting and frightening! But it all turned out ok, we no longer need to rent and pay exorbitant prices or become homeless (which I've been before and it's no joke!), and this house was chosen for the ease of which a disabled person could have easy access and an extra bedroom for a live-in (when and if needed). So I'm covered, no matter what happens, even as I age. Now my big challenge is to tidy up the junk left behind for me to clean up and sort out by others. Boxes and bags of N's clothing is still here, one or more bags per visit, and so are my DD's clothes from 2008 when she stayed here. Those boxes that we threw together from my old apt. I'd lived in for over 20 yrs. and thrown quickly into the van heading for the storage unit over here before rushing 100 miles home to bed are now my "mystery boxes" in the garage, often filled with chewed up stuff from our now-gone rats/mice or creepy spiders of all kinds, even venomous black widows! Lovely job! :x But oh! the delight of seeing it all finished nicely and seeing DS out there lifting weights, etc. The entire place should shine! I'll probably have the cement painted plus paint the walls, too, if it isn't too complicated to do so (moving the 5 huge shelves out there). So many things to do and think about.

I don't have the filth you see on Hoarders, but lots of old crap in boxes that people left here when moving in and out, plus my own moving fiasco coming to this home, and it's up to me to sort it ALL out NOW! Some of it is dusty (REALLY dusty and full of cobwebs and creepy stuff out in the garage!), but my sinks and fridges and that kind of thing are clean and functional. And I find that I am finally getting down to the "puzzle" thing: first do this, then you can do that. And so on. One step at a time, one thing to do at a time, and in an exact order. Not particularly difficult, just time consuming...and VERY VERY VERY satisfying once done!! :mrgreen:
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm
Saw T recently. I believe a reason I am hesitating to fully unpack, tidy etc is I don't feel safe here. She agreed. I was unaware I can apply for a transfer on basis that my MH is impacted by environment. Really not wanting to move as location is convenient. However, noise levels something else
UNPACKING! Ah yes. How one fully immerses oneself into their environment with acceptance. Hm. More food for thought. I really hope that you and your T can find something ideal for you! You deserve it! Nice and quiet and that it becomes your home comfortably. Someplace that you'll want to happily unpack your things and make it your home. Sounds like a new start to me. :mrgreen:

===========================================

Tomorrow (I SWEAR!!) I'm going for my new glasses! At least get the eye exam and have them ordered. I KNOW where my wallet is now. (That was really unnerving today!!)

But today is over and tomorrow is the day for the exam and glasses. Onward and upward! :lol:

Good luck with your moving requests and your own eye exams.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 12:14 pm
Excellent to know that you perceive benefits from having cataract surgery
Oh, it was GREAT! Right eye done (so far). I went from only seeing a square of light when asked to identify the HUGE letter D up on the lighted chart to now 20/15 vision without glasses!! From my WOW (again, WITHOUT GLASSES!), I can see the stucco patterns on the neighbor's house some 40 ft. from my window - and CLEARLY!!! The trouble is that he fixed only my cataract (cloudy lens) plus the nearsightedness and astigmatism, but left the farsightedness alone. He could not fix them all, and I agreed with his choice, although I'd have to always wear reading glasses.

But my OLD glasses are bifocals and are still fine for my LEFT eye, but my right eye only needs reading glasses and nothing on top (for seeing distances). The glasses I have only blur the sight I have in my much corrected right eye and so are useless to me. I NEED SOME NEW SPECS! I watch TV without any glasses at all and it's fine, but would be better with a slight left lens adjustment. But one pair for reading and gaming on my phone and another pair for the computer would be WONDERFUL! I am typing this without glasses, but it does strain my eyes a bit. Do you need cataract surgery? Or have you had it done or know someone who has? It was really a positive experience for me. I drove 150 miles to get my surgery and had a doctor I had absolute confidence in. In fact, he wrote a book about this and all the newest techniques and options available to patients and he trains other doctors on these methods.

At my after surgery meeting with him, I asked him why the sight in my right eye was brighter than in my left while the left one was more yellow looking. He said it's because my eyes were 70 yrs. old (at that time) and he put in a nice clear lens similar to a much younger person, but that my right eye would always maintain that brightness. Yay! Crystal clear and bright. No problems there! :mrgreen: Kind of scary to go through at first, but I'd happily do it again (without fear). All I actually SAW was pretty, colorful round orbs against black background. I could not even see the doctor or his staff. And they gave me some very relaxing "happy juice" (don't know what it was), but it both bolstered and relaxed me throughout the procedure. I hope that helps.

Sorry this is so long. The wallet fiasco was disheartening! But I was successful in the end, and that's what it's all about, right?

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Sep 18, 2019 4:00 am

Hi all! :mrgreen: I just got in from the backyard. I was pulling out the HUGE Goat Head weeds, BIG plants sprawling everywhere out there by the gate where my little dogs walk back and forth all day. These are horrible weeds! They'll stick to my dog's (and our) feet and are also called:
Other Names for Goat's Head Weed

These invasive weeds go by many names:

Tribulus terrestris
puncture vine
caltrop or small caltrops
bullhead
cat's-head
devil's eyelashes
devil's-thorn
devil's-weed
- dengarden DOT com/gardening/goat-heads-puncture-vine-sand-burr-removal (WEBSITE)
By the names alone, you can tell that they are a real pain...literally! They can pierce a foot with ease and even poke my foot through my Crocs!! They can even puncture tires!! They have to GO!!!! I'm getting tired of seeing my dogs limping. :x

So I put on my Crocs and went out, hoe in hand (mostly for support as I bent down to pull them out) and went to town on those nasty weeds. I cleared the gate area (AND threw the weeds carefully into the trash bin to be tossed OUT), but have a TON more of them still over nearer to the front yard. Even RoundUp won't kill these tough things!! So it's bend over and pull them up to the side. (If I just yank them out by the roots by pulling straight up, part of the root may stay in the ground and regrow. :shock: ) So that will be for tomorrow. It's yard clean up time!!

And speaking of clean up time, I spoke with DB the other day!! "How's Mom doing?" and all that. She has him and all the others convinced that she's "losing it": "some form of dementia" (since she "has moments"). She's even on Hospice care! :roll: BUT she's not dying! :lol: Not yet, at least. But she is getting a LOT of the positive attention (warm fuzzies that she pays $7200/mo. for!!) she craves so dearly. My goodness, NOTHING CHANGES with that woman!!! DB is handling it ALL, too. I told him that he DESERVES all of the estate! LOL She did have an (alleged) fall the other day (although no one saw it happen), so they rushed her to the hospital and were about to do a second brain-related CAT scan on her when she began DEMANDING LOUDLY to be returned to the nursing home THAT INSTANT! (Good grief, I can just see her doing that! :lol: ) They (naturally) called my DB and he came over to the hospital and had her released (against Dr.'s orders). I believe SHE WAS FAKING, but got what she wanted: my DB's attention, concern, and sympathy!! Wow. But DB believes that "she's forgetting things" and "needs his help with things", or as she would put it, she's "being dumb like a fox."

So no, I've decided to NOT go and see her!!!!!!!! I did ask DB to TELL her the next time he goes over that I asked about her and said hello. He said he would. But I KNOW that I am NOT the one she wants to see: "Oh Honey! :| IT'S YOU! What are YOU doing here??" I hadn't seen her in a year or two, even at that time. She asked that I not stay long because DB was coming over for her birthday (which it was). Good lord! :roll: I think I will just take the HINT (?) and not bother her. I sincerely wish her well and hope that she's happy, even though I know she's not. But what else can I do? Only she can make herself happy, and she's just too darned "shrewd" (?) to do that! If she was happy and contented, she knows that she'd never see my DB otherwise nor get the attention of the staff. And here she is with a perfectly fine daughter who could not only help her and give her the attention she wants, but could take some of the strain/demand off my DB, but that ain't gonna happen! She'll make SURE of THAT! :roll:

Stick a fork in me - I'M DONE!

Honeybera

Fleur
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Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Sep 18, 2019 7:41 am

Busy busy time for farmer honeybera - those weeds are real pests. Wonder if there's anything that can prevent them regrowing?

Glad your brother and you had some conversation, even if only about your mother. Seems it confirmed that staying away from her is still a wise choice

Wishing you a lovely evening


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Sep 21, 2019 7:27 am

FLEUR!!!! :mrgreen: Thanks for your nice post! {{{{{Fleur}}}}} It's always so nice to hear from you.

It seems that your President (is that what they're called in AU?) and mine are having a lovely sit-down State dinner in the White House garden area ATM. I'm glad to see them being so nice and friendly. They actually seem to sincerely enjoy each other's company, even laughing heartily at some moments. I like seeing such positive things. As soon as I saw what was going on I thought of you, my dear Australian friend.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Sep 18, 2019 7:41 am
Busy busy time for farmer honeybera - those weeds are real pests. Wonder if there's anything that can prevent them regrowing?
I've studied it (over the internet) and the only thing that can help is time (even YEARS) and great persistence!! Some people are even using flame throwers on them with only so-so results!! Even RoundUp doesn't help much...the best bet is to just look for and pull up every one seen AND dispose of it IN THAT INSTANT! And then put down a good mulch. Starve them of the sun. AND BE VIGILANT if one (or more) happen to sprout. They are actually quite pretty to look at, delicate fern-like leaves and sprightly tiny flowers in yellow and purple, but then they go to SEED (the "goat heads") which stick in bare feet (or paws) and can even render a tire flat! OWWW!!! :cry:

However, I wish my time was busier to be honest with you. Just pulling up all the goat heads in the dog's yard and in my garden required bending at the waist while holding on to my hoe for balance and finding the root (since the leaves spread over the ground so much from one plant), and then pulling it up and tossing it into the trash bin caused me to be moving up and down constantly for over an hour. And for the next two days, I could barely walk due to the pain in my thighs. :roll: I NEED TO MOVE MORE, but just not in such LONG bursts of energy! I sit WAY too much, but was able yesterday to cut up some BIG boxes in the front room, and DS faithfully put all the cardboard into the recycle bin. Those boxes were HUGE, but with my handy dandy box cutter knife I was able to get the job done.

And then I was up all night AGAIN! I actually took a WHOLE sleeping pill at 11pm (as I had promised myself to do) AND climbing INTO BED at midnight. Went to sleep...and woke up WIDE AWAKE at 4:30am!! Not much energy, but WIDE WIDE AWAKE!! I watched a movie, even turned off the TV and listened to a Dr. Phil podcast (usually a sure thing to bring on sleep), but no luck. THEN at 10am this morning, when I was contemplating getting up for the day, I YAWNED!! :roll: :x I was tired, so I figured, "Go ahead and take a quick nap. Get your strength back." And I woke up at 8:30PM with the TV still blaring away! A FULL DAY SHOT AGAIN!! This is getting frustrating! I tell you because I know that you've mentioned that you sometimes have trouble sleeping, too. I can certainly understand that. And here I sit at 11pm (AGAIN!), the rest of the world is sleeping AND not at work (the doctors, the eye glass place, the grocery stores, and so on- even the senior centers) and here I sit WIDE AWAKE. AAARRRGGGHHH! My body seems to urge me that as soon as the morning sun floods into my brightly lit bathroom, "it's time to sleep"! :roll:

But I have plenty of NON-time restricted things to do anyway, that's for sure. IN HOUSE things, like cut up more boxes, bake some Keto bread (we're out), bake some Keto pound cake (a real hit with DS), and some Keto Teriyaki Baked Chicken, and do my laundry. But today I'm going to TRY to stay awake overnight (maybe that will help me sleep?) and then go to the stores and attack the goat heads before I try to sleep. Heck, it's not even hot out there anymore, like in the upper 80s to low 90s.

Also, I've FINALLY decided to go to one of those "Buy One pair of glasses, Get One Free plus free eye exam" places, and I've narrowed it down to the one I want to go to. My old optometrist that I'd gone to for the last 40 yrs. was 100 miles away, back in my old home town, but he's recently retired, so I'm going to have to "bite the bullet" and find another place to go over here. I can barely see to read anymore, but my nearsightedness (distant vision) is FINE since the cataract surgery, so all I need is one pair of bifocals to correct for reading and distance for my left eye and one single lens pair for the computer.

Before I go anywhere, I also have to wash off my car first, too, since it's covered in dust. Yes, it's been a while. I just hibernate in my room: no germs, no shootings (except on TV), no upset, no nothing. And that gives me a feeling of some sort of safety, but it's not good for me. So I called my dear cousin R and his wife the other night to see what they were up to and they invited me over to see them. I haven't acted on it yet, but I will...and soon.
Fleur wrote:
Wed Sep 18, 2019 7:41 am
Glad your brother and you had some conversation, even if only about your mother. Seems it confirmed that staying away from her is still a wise choice
DB and I speak from time to time, and there is love there, but always from a distance. Sad that...

And I agree with you. I just need to wait until she's gone from this earth. Not in a hateful way, but in a more self-protective way. I even asked DB if he'd tell her that I said hi. If I continue stewing over the hatred that has been brewing in my heart for 70 yrs., the only one that is affected is ME. She has her problems (sadly) and I honestly wish her well. She does have DB (although not as much as she desires) and I truly believe that he is EARNING every penny of that estate. I even told him so. I do refuse to allow her to keep that cruel barrier between my brother and I because of him getting all the breaks as the Golden Child. It's not worth it. I'd prefer to have my brother than the deep wounds and inequities that MD has tried and tried to place between us with her current money and my father's and her estate. That I refuse to do! But to wish her well and LET GO OF all the mean and nasty child abuse (and nasty behavior towards me as an adult, anything to cause pain and suffering) is MY CHOICE. If I was to "shun" her (as she has shunned me all my life) for any reason, that would eat at me. But I do also CHOOSE to "self preserve" by staying away from her. She will not change. I am fairly sure that she couldn't if she tried. And what on earth would her incentive be? No, I just need to stay away.

She's not as shrewd as she thinks herself to be. :P

I need to go make some bread for my DS and me. Lemon pound cake, too. And pop that chicken in the oven, too. YUM!

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sat Sep 21, 2019 7:08 pm

Hello honeybera


Yes, I saw where your country's President and our Prime Minister were getting together. I'm a bit cynical regarding how much the personal touch is actually necessary to expend travel costs, but that's just me. Skype or similar surely would be as friendly and effective! Thanks for thinking of me

Sleeping is a problem - one Dr says just snooze when you can. Another suggested getting up as soon as I was awake, regardless of the time

Very scatty appetite - again, conflicting advice - one says eat what you feel like whenever hungry. Another suggested a planned meal routine - trouble is, if I'm not hungry, food doesn't stay in stomach. Seems a waste of everything - effort, cost, food ... plus feeling horrible

Merely something that popped into my head as I read your message - could you sit to weed goat heads? If you placed the dug up plants into a solid container, then tipped into bin, maybe that would serve the job yet be less strenuous? Please ignore if impractical!

Wishing you a very happy baking time


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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