Letting go

[coconuts]

So glad she is rallying. Its better to feel more secure, more confident. And she will likely love being the head of rmthe new pack.

[honeybera]

So glad she is rallying. Its better to feel more secure, more confident. And she will likely love being the head of rmthe new pack.

LOL Yes, head of the "new pack" of rumbling, bumbling puppies. I am SO glad that I decided to get Boots and Mittens early on. Puppies that cute (and aren't they all cute?!) just have to capture our hearts. Heck, they have already. It's hard to move on, but it's necessary, too. We don't know when difficult things will happen, but at 15½ yrs. old, anything can and did happen. I'm just grateful to have my dear Spot right now.

Spot let me know that she wanted out today, so I let her out into the garden area and let her be by herself for about 4 hrs. I saw her patrolling by herself out there. Still heartbreaking. Always before it would be Spot in the lead and Dot following behind, like a little dog train. I wonder if Spot will be favorable to training the new pack of puppies? We'll see. And we'll have enough time to mourn Dot's loss before that happens, which in my opinion is a positive.

March 19-April 2 is our pickup times for the puppies. We'll see how it goes. I'd actually prefer picking them up at 10 wks., but I may opt for 8 wks. instead. They have faces like little Tuxedo angels, sweet and innocent. The breeder has sent me a ton of pics and videos already. MY dogs were the first ones to "run" around the pen, tumbling over one another and heading for the dry food to munch. The others (all Piebald black and white) were just staggering around aimlessly, but both my girls were "running". So darned cute!!! Little cuddly balls of black fur, slowly learning that typical emboldened, proud, even haughty, Rattie behavior that I admire so much. I look forward to having them on my lap and petting them as I watch TV or out in the yard. Nothing brings a smile to my face as quickly as a curious pup discovering the yard. And this time I'm NOT WORKING a 100 miles away as they grow up. I'm a retiree with tons of time to share with them. And we just got everything from Chewy today. So we're ready, pickup on one date or another.

So coconuts, how is it going for you? Are they opening up the school's in your area yet? I wish you the best in these trying times. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Tuesday
I need to start tidying up around here to make ready for the new pups. I began by going over to the dog's yard and pulling weeds. My back is really feeling it! I had these BIG old weed skeletons waving around, some over my head in height. It looked really nasty. I got most of them before my back went completely out , so I figured I'd better do something else and save the rest of my strength for tomorrow. DS will get the biggest roots out for me. Some old, deep ones are as big as my wrist and sitting in 30 gallon pots! Even DS may have problems.

I also took down the ant-filled hummingbird feeder. The ant moat had dried up and the ants had a field day! Most of them just drowned inside the feeder when they tried to get the nectar. Serves them right. But the ant cleanup of my existing 30 oz. was really easy. And then I washed up my new 40 oz. one. Making the nectar is a snap, too, so they're now all filled up and sparkling clean and hanging outside waiting for the early morning hummers that I probably won't see.

I firmly believe in the old adage: Use it or lose it. I have allowed myself to just sit around for far too long. I need to just get out there in weather that is as perfect as it was today and FINISH up those weeds over there. That was always the area for foxtails that can harm dogs, so I need to weedeat them down while they're still lovely green blades wafting in the wind. Lordy, I have no mercy! But the tall, skeletal ones need to go first, then weed out (by hand) the strawberry patch (planter: overgrown!), then weedeating...weeds, weeds, weeds!!!

Wednesday
I'm up, it's noon and perfect weather for weeding, but I'm SO SLEEPY today. Amazingly, not too sore from yesterday's exercise. But sleepy? OMG!! I'm nodding off sitting in my chair!! But hey, I'm retired, and one of the best things about being retired is that IF I need a nap, I can just take one. I will send this first though. Nighty night...

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I woke up about 2 hrs. later (a package had come), and I got busy in the front room! Rearranged quite a few things, cut up boxes, and it looks MUCH better now! Then I went out into the back yard and rearranged the hummer feeders so they're more easily seen from my WOW, cut back my overgrown salvia, and just puttered. It, too, looks infinitely better! So I did good, even napping when necessary. Guess I needed the sleep.

I heard from the breeder. My girls are doing well. Should be about 11.5-12 lbs. at adulthood. (She knows how to measure them.) We've decided on April 2nd as the day to go get them. All newly purchased items are here already. We just need to assemble them (as soon as DS gets a day or two off!). I need to thoroughly clean the dog's pen and tidy up the dog's yard. I may close the gate between my garden (and WOW) and the dog's yard, giving them plenty of room to romp around and play, but not to go too far, not quite yet. We still have to teach them how to use the doggie door to walk out into the dog's yard. This is a great distraction. Happy.

Dear Spot is slowly recovering from her sister's loss. She ALWAYS grabbed the dog's bed in my room and HELD IT, not letting Dot get in it by giving a low growl. Even when I had only Dot inside she would NOT go near that bed. She'd walk under my bed and out the other side, around and around, while Spot hogged the dog bed. Tonight Spot (for the first time ever as far as I know) walked under my bed and hid there. I had to tempt her out with a pork chop bone.

But on the good side she is now able to walk the yard outside and returns to her pen to eat and drink. Sort of sad to watch, but it's a move in the right direction. It's like a shock or jolt to her system that she just wasn't ready for. To her, Dot has simply disappeared. I wonder how she'll accept the pups.

With patience, we'll all win the day! Time to sleep again...big day in the yard tomorrow!!

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Aww she is coming along. It takes a bit of time. Yiu are quite busy getting rady and having a date firmly set is nice to look forward to and plan for. You are always quite busy. Good for you

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Oh happy day!! (It's about time, right?!)

Aww she is coming along. It takes a bit of time.

Oh she is!! I have been letting her in and petting her until she's spoiled rotten, and for all my attention she gave me the very best gift today: she came bouncing in this morning, acting like a puppy and doing her play stance! Her usually swollen nipple lump has gone WAY down, too! She is eating again and is sleeping in her pen, but I can tell that she misses her sister. She's never been alone, although she probably wished that she was many times, but now that she is alone, she's not happy about it. But slowly and with lots of love and attention, she's slowly coming around. I had rotisserie chicken today (from the market) and gave her little pieces of it, like the wing tips. She loved that! Today's energy was just amazing, though. I believe old Spot should be around for quite some time now. BLESSEDLY!! And thanks for your kind words.

Yiu are quite busy getting rady and having a date firmly set is nice to look forward to and plan for.

All the stuff for the pups is at the ready. Not assembled yet, but DS should take care of that for us by April 2nd. The owner, CD, said that "they are as fun as a barrel of monkeys"! OMG, I cannot wait!! But there is still much to do in the yard + the assembly of their inside crate to be a fixture in my room for the first couple of weeks as I potty train them. I dread that, but it's such a necessity that was never addressed properly when Ms. T's pups were born. It was an oversight that no one was to blame for. DS was about 16, I was working and commuting daily, and we just weren't set up for 5 pups! Spot, Dot, and Butterbutt ended up just staying with us because I fell in love with them instead of finding them homes. Moo and Saddle found homes, but we had a LOT of dogs here at one time!! (I didn't even mention Ziggy, a stray we took in!)

NOW we have a permanently fenced PEN (5' x 7') INSIDE the air-conditioned house (family room) with COMFY DOGGY BEDS, WATER, AND FOOD and with a DOGGY DOOR out to the DOG'S YARD + all around outside fencing with gates so IF WE WANT TO, we can just shut off different areas of the yard, and even shut the doggy door...if we want to or need to, like workmen are here, and then the dogs can just stay in the inside pen. And ALL the ruined carpeting has been pulled out of the family room and replaced with EASY to wash vinyl planking. So now with the pups, if they get the hang of "going" outdoors (where Spot goes), it will work out great! It makes having dogs a snap this time around. We even have Pedro, our dwarf walnut tree, that's now about 8' tall and shady in the HOT summertime out in the dog's yard, plus there's straw all over the ground for weed control, so there's no more foxtails to stick in their fur and up their noses!! It's pretty nice out there now! The pups should love it. ♥♥♥

You are always quite busy. Good for you

That's true. I'm SLOWLY getting things done. But slow and steady wins the race, right? My flowers that I bought last September, that I neglected until about a month ago, and then repotted them are doing GREAT! I have flowers on most and at minimum I have significant growth. Some look kind of bare/scarce, but all have growth/leaves along their stems. And now Annie's Annuals and Perennials has sent me a Spring 2021 catalog. Oh, it is so tempting!! She has so many gorgeous things in there!!! But I have promised ME that I'll get the garden all sorted out and organized before buying any more plants. I'm finding that to BUY something doesn't mean a thing IF I don't have a "home" for it. Same thing with the house. I tend to say to myself, "Oh! I need this or that!", so I buy it, but once it gets here, although my "need" doesn't lessen, I have NO ROOM for it, so onto the table or sideboard or something it goes! I need to learn to...oh no. "Let go..." OMG. <shaking my head> First MD, and now I need to learn how to let go of my "things". Let me share:

MD was a great housekeeper, I'll give her that. How did she do that? SHE KEPT NOTHING!! Is that why I cling so to "things"? MD used to say, "If I haven't used it in the last 3 months, OUT IT GOES!!" I've seen her blithely toss out into the garbage several pounds of perfectly good roasted beef and gravy because "dinner is over". Uh...yeah. It was. But...WHY throw it out like that? Save it. Have it later. It didn't matter what it was, the split second dinner was over, out it went!

My father was into 1940s technology (TV repair, etc), and we had one of the very first voice recorders, a big boxy wire recorder, and we taped my paternal grandfather's voice on it. He sang a little song. My paternal grandfather died when I was 2. When I was an adult, MD tossed the wire recorder into their truck and threw it unceremoniously into the dump. I told her that I'd like to have it, but she was insistent that it go! No matter how much I begged, it made no difference. That wire recorder was a museum piece! But nothing was safe from her! She'd lurk around and wait until I was off to school and she'd go through my things and destroy them while I was at school. Sometimes she'd "rearrange the furniture" in the living room or even my room. I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE OF ANY KIND! But if I spoke up about it, she'd do it even more because it got a rise out of me!!!

OMG!! I found it!! It's on eBay! 1947 Vintage Webster Chicago Audio Wire Recorder MODEL 80 Works Lights - if you want to see an exact replica of it. I was about a year old when my father bought it. We still lived in my grandparents house. The little cottage out in the back wasn't even built yet. Wow, that takes me back!! I guess my father's father had come into town to visit and my father had recorded his voice. Wow. But nothing was safe. NOTHING. It meant NOTHING to her, my father's father singing a little song on a wire recorder. But to me it meant something! That Grandpa liked me, too. I would have liked to hear his voice again. But she didn't sell it even. SHE THREW IT INTO THE DUMP! Never even offered it to me! Never let me even hear him sing one more time. "Oh come on!! It's going to the dump and that's that!!" She loved doing that to me. It drilled down to me that SHE was the Boss of me!!! I had NO SAY in the matter! My heart was breaking and she did NOT care one iota!! She would say to me, "YOURS not to question why, YOURS but to do or die!!!", and if I didn't, I got yet another beating. She TRIED to get me upset, TRIED to get my goat! And she was very shrewd. She was a BULLY. A mean girl!! Always was. And always would be. I was right to just let her go.

But now to fight that battle all over again, this time with my things. I've decided to donate to the Disabled Veterans. I'd like for my "things" to go to help those who were injured helping me and our country. That would make me feel better about donating. About "letting go". I can't be as abrupt and brutal as MD. About a year ago, I found a kid in the Midwest (USA) who collected and refurbished old vacuums. I had my Grandma's old red Kirby that she'd had since the 1930s and it was still good. I'd had it refurbished a long time ago, maybe the 1970s, and I really hated to part with it. It moved with me whenever I'd move. But instead I contacted this kid and he said he'd love to have it, said it would be his prize vacuum of his collection. I paid over $200 to ship it out to him. Best money I ever spent. It was now in the hands of someone who valued it and appreciated its history. I am at peace with it now. It has a NEW home. I did this around 2016 or so.

This sort of deliberate movement is slow and it does take time. But when it's done, it's DONE. And then MY job is to keep it up, keep it sorted and organized and clean. NOT "spotless", but clean "enough". I lived in "spotless" for too long!!!!

"Clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy."

No wonder I have so much trouble just tossing out this or that. Going through boxes is a torture to me. Well, no wonder. I have to sort this out. This is a tangle in my own brain, not having much to do with MD anymore. She did her damage, but she did it years ago. This is something completely different. This is my problem now.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

This forum/thread is the VERY BEST thing I have to benefit my CURRENT mental health!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't give two hoots as to whether or not anyone is "listening" to me (although it is nice to be acknowledged, I must say). I'm finding that this leaves me to sort of "do it myself", which is also ok. Over my lifetime, I've had to LEARN how to deal with the difference between aloneness and loneliness, two completely different things!!

I've also learned how to deal with abusive rejection. MD was a great teacher of how to deal with that; she heaped it on me and I learned to deal with it or suffer (which always delighted her). My late night subscribed visits to Dr. Les Carter, who is one of the BEST Ts I've ever had, has very succinctly exposed MD's severe life's problems to me and has helped me to understand her and her ways of dealing with her own inadequacies and thereby allowing me to cut her loose...more kindly than she ever did to me. It's so nice to have a 12-15 minute therapy session pop up at 3am centered on my computer screen just as I'm about to go to bed. He always ends with the heartfelt words, "I wish you...Peace." in that wonderful Southern drawl of his.

Also there with me are you guys. So nice to know that you are there. But even with all this support, I texted DS (whom I hadn't laid eyes on in the last two days due to his boss continually overworking him), "I think I'm slowly sliding into depression. Trying hard not to. Too much bad news, death, and isolation." That was written at 3:07pm today. I'd just awakened and found that Spot had barfed on my carpet. Not her fault. I was asleep and she was locked inside my room with zonked-out me. She was URGENTLY trying to signal me to open up the WOW. Poor old Spot.

I also noted that CD (the rat terrier breeder) had texted me that there was a new video of the pups on Facebook. UGH. I hate Facebook. I went back to bed and texted DS the above text. I wanted him to know of my own concern. When I was 19, I went into what I learned in later years was "Clinical Depression". It got so bad that I would look at my shambles of an apartment (with two kittens and a husband) and think to myself, "I have GOT TO clean this mess up!!!" Then I'd stand and walk the 2 ft. to the end of the coffee table, and feel completely overwhelmed with exhaustion. I MEAN COMPLETELY!! I'd turn and barely make it back to the couch. I slept all day and stayed up all night playing Yahtzee by myself. I believe that somewhere I told about this in my Letting Go book/thread/journal. I've fought depression all my life and I dare not give up the fight now.

But I haven't been doing much lately: eat, feed Spot, sleep, TV, games on iPhone. Always sitting unless laying down. NOT GOOD for someone my age! That was why I wrote that text to DS. Every day I look out my blessed WOW at the ever-taller weeds, the ones that turn into foxtails that hurt the dogs. I know the pups are coming. And it's not like I didn't care. I DO care! But just not enough to do anything about it.

Before DS left for work today, I texted him as to when he would be working today and to let him know I was alive. He came to my room to give me a hug and he cleaned up Spot's barf (for which I OWE HIM a BIG debt of gratitude!!!!! b/c I have a terribly hard time bending down). Then he left, I looked out my WOW...and I determined that I'd NOT LET ANOTHER DAY GO BY without me mowing down those weeds!!! I told myself, "C'mon...Just put one foot in front of the other." And that worked!! I got the weedeater out of the garage and just started mowing those weeds down!!! I ran out of battery juice about halfway through, came in the house for another one, sat for a few minutes, and trudged back out there with a fresh battery and finished the rest of the garden area!! Tomorrow the dog's yard awaits me, but I can SEE the chores AND they are DOABLE!!! What an improvement!! That in and of itself should lift my spirits up in the morning!!

My garden area looks SO much better!! Like a green lawn! And I made some discoveries, too: 1. Saw the first hummer at the feeder that I've seen in a LONG time 2. My two pear trees (both in a too small plastic "wooden barrel" after I stuck them in there as bare roots over 3 yrs. ago!!!) are still showing signs of life after years of neglect that I don't even want to think about! Little blossoms or leaves are starting to poke out, so as I watered my entire yard today (except the other fruit trees which are part of tomorrow's chores), I noticed: #3. The strawberry planters are full of weeds SO DRY that when I watered them little bubbles came up from the dirt as they were saturated, BUT there were healthy strawberry plants, too, and they were covered in tiny white blossoms! Another "tomorrow" chore: to WEED THOSE PLANTERS! But this time when I go out to do that chore, I won't be literally knee-deep in other weeds on the ground tickling my bare legs like something's crawling on them. THOSE WEEDS ARE GONE!

So I'm counting this as one very successful day! My mood is MUCH better and I'm looking forward to another video from Dr. Carter tonight. I'm finding that the more I watch, the less I am NEEDING to watch them, but his nightly pat on the back to assure me that it was HER and NOT ME is always soothing and appreciated. I still need to put the overflowing laundry on to wash and make my dinner. Not a problem tonight! I've been fasting for 23:55 right now, nearly a day, and by the time I fry up my pork steak and make some veggies to go with it, it'll be a perfect OMAD day. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF! I refuse to allow myself to be "depressed" by my own inactivity OR by MD and her unfortunate mental problems!!! I have so much puttering awaiting me tomorrow. One foot in front of the other. Put those crocs on. Just get out there. I can do it!!

Off to make my dinner!

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Oh youve been so busy. I glad the yard is coming along. Goodbye to those weeds.
Coconuts

[honeybera]

Oh youve been so busy. I glad the yard is coming along. Goodbye to those weeds.
Coconuts

Yep! Despite daylight savings time, I've been up all night again. At about 8pm I begin telling myself that "tonight I'm going to bed early". Here it is nearly 6am and I'm still up! But I've been having so much fun shopping for fun stuff for the new pups to do. God, I need that lift in spirits!! Old Spot does what she can and I love her so, but to see her spine bulging up from her fur and being able to see her rib cage is depressing. I'm feeding her as much as she will eat, and she is eating a bit better, so...! Maybe a bit longer with her? <fingers crossed!!!!>

But I'm trying to look forward to getting the pups. Just seeing other's reviews of the dog toy products brought me more MUCH NEEDED laughs than I've had in quite some time. I'm even looking at cat toys in addition to the adorable dog toys, like this one cat toy over on Chewy dot com called the SmartyKat Hot Pursuit Electronic Concealed Motion Cat Toy! For hunters like my girls will be, this toy should drive them bonkers! There's another one that imitates a bug in its movements called the Hexbug Nano Robotic Cat Toy and there's even the zippy Hexbug Mouse Robotic Cat Toy I'm figuring that if I block off my bathroom with a 2x4 or something and watch these two puppies chase these things on the linoleum, my mood would just have to lift!

=========================(8:30AM)

But wait! There's more! But while aimless wandering around the web, I have found something!!! I can get Silver Sneakers ONLINE and on YOU TUBE!! Very private. No one else can see me. And they even have ZUMBA classes! OMG. Do I LOVE to dance!!! But boy oh boy, am I out of shape!! They even have classes for belly fat reduction! AND I can get it on my TV! It's so much better than watching (and rewatching and catastrophizing) the dismal news on TV. That plus my garden plus the pups should truly brighten my days ahead.

I know that I've been up one minute and down the next, but there has certainly been a lot going on to drag me down (if I let it). So much DEATH, including MD last Sept. (not that long ago) and 3 of my 4 dogs in the last few years. A pandemic. And major political issues, riots, and so on. Lots to cope with.

I think I'll go get my crocs on and take out my peppers into the garden to sit one full day in the sunlight. I have two surviving tomatoes that are out there already 24/7. They are doing very well in fact, but they've been in the shade all this time. I'll set them out in the sunlight, too. Then I'll put good ol' Spot out for the day and get some sleep. I'm about to order some Chicken Wire Cloches so that whatever is eating my seedlings when they're out in the yard CAN'T anymore! I put way too much effort in planting seeds and babying them along to let some (RAT??!!) come along and just eat them. Whatever is doing this, it looks like they just cut the stem in two with a knife or something! The entire top of the plant is GONE. Sometimes just the lower leaves and stem is there, but sometimes the entire plant is gone. It's been happening for the last several years. They ate my broccoli and Brussels sprouts recently, but my peppers are what they've devoured the most. Come to think of it, they haven't touched my tomatoes or squash. Hm. But sitting in my bathroom with no proper sunlight will kill them, too, so out they go today. I'll order those cloches today. I'll bring the peppers in tonight to try and avoid their annihilation from the unknown assailant, but as soon as those cloches come in, the peppers are ALL going out into the garden (with my fingers crossed)!!

To observe astounding rat activity, I need to only leave the Garden Glide "lid" off the bird seed feeder. The rats were even getting bold enough to hop up into the large (but dry and full of seed) bird bath in the middle of the day! Cheeky!! So now the Garden Glide just stays put and the birds get no food. Once the pups are here, it should begin to stop the marauding rats from Hell! We have rat traps, but DS has been working non-stop and has had no time for me and my problems. I sure hope that my peppers are safe without the cloches. But what can I do? They need the sunlight. And it's not even windy today. It's a perfect day out there.

So I'll start now...

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Sounds like you have dreams and plans and much fun to look forward to.
Perhaps a bettef sleeping schedule too.