Letting go

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honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

2:00am - My Dot, the Cuddler, died a half hour ago. My heart is breaking. Such a good dog. She's laying next to me on the floor of my room in a Chewy box I made up for her. I just called to DS. He's working until 4am. Screwy time to be working to, but oh well.

I watched her die. This afternoon she had the worst spell ever. I was right in the middle of making some keto mayo when I heard her thrashing around in her pen, bones flying all over the place. I put down the stick blender and walked over there and saw it was her, and I was expecting her to get up off the floor in less than a minute, looking around quizzically and confused after yet another doggie TIA (mini stroke) or maybe a Grand Mall seizure, but she couldn't get up. Not this time. DS laid her in her bed and she went to sleep. Spot was upset by all this, but she stayed with her sister. Later Spot came to my WOW and scratched insistently, so I let her in. Later on, after DS went to work and as I was watching TV, I heard what I thought was a dog making noise on TV, but it wasn't, so I went to check on the normally silent Dot. I found her screaming as she tried to struggle to her feet. She kept falling though and just laid there in a panic, feet flailing. I ran and got a Chewy box from the front room and put a nice soft pad in it, got into the pen with her and picked her up. I talked to her and petted her and she quieted down and relaxed in the box. I put the box in my room next to me at the computer. Then I called DS and watched her as she passed away over the next several minutes. I wanted her to be able to hear my voice and I know she did. I knew she was dying, but she went quite quickly and easily. My little athlete. The lover of the Ball. She loved that ball. And bones, too. Loved to chew. She was my "yard dog", always following me around closely whenever I'd go out into the yard. I'm so going to miss her!!!!

==============================(5am)

DS is home now. While waiting for him to get home from work, I called a counselor with Emotional Support and spoke with them for nearly an hour. I decided to just pretend that Dot was just sleeping. She looked like she was. I'm letting Spot sleep in here with me tonight. I am SO GLAD that I began the process of getting Boots and Mittens when I did. They will be 8 wks. old on March 19th, 10 weeks on April 2nd. I can get them sometime between those two dates.

I am so lucky to have such a good son!! He gave me a BIG old hug when he got in tonight. He looked at Dot and came to the same conclusion that I had. He's gone to bed; I am simply NOT SLEEPY! I used to run flowers (delivery) for a big florist and had to learn to put the casket pieces on the caskets with the people in them. I sat with my grandfather for nearly a day in the chapel when he passed; no one else came. I've seen death before, but always just the remains. This time I saw the process. :| Tough to fall asleep after seeing something like that.

I think I'll binge watch some Netflix. If I still can't sleep, I can always do yard work when the sun comes up. Spot is still relatively active and she's happy to be sleeping in my room with me tonight. I'm glad of it, too.

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Feb 27, 2021 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to ST, as some triggering detail
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka »

Dear Honeybera,

So, so sorry for both of you. But Dot is in peace now. No more strokes and pain for her. I am glad she had you to be with her till she passed, l'm sure she was aware of your love and comfort till the end. May you never know sorrow again, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Kokoschka, thanks for your kind words.
Kokoschka wrote: Sat Feb 27, 2021 2:27 pm May you never know sorrow again
Already this morning, Spot got up and promptly vomited on my bedroom carpet. Now even she is lethargic. :roll: I know she is sick already and she's skin and bones and has a large growth on her breast, and now she's vomiting. I can't take much more of this. I just need to rest and grieve and get over this, but apparently I'm not done yet.

But seriously, thanks for your kind words. I mean that. This is hard.

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Feb 27, 2021 8:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, as some triggering detail
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts »

Oh no... my biggest hugs and most compassionate thoughts. That is so hard to watch. So difficult. Im so sorry. Even though you knew it was coming doesnt make it any easier. They are so dear to you. Blessed little friends that love and adore and entertain and comfort us. Its such a deep loss.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Jonesy
Director
Director
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by Jonesy »

Hi honeybera

I am so sorry to read your last 2 posts. Sending much support, as I know how difficult a time this will be for you.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh no, I’m so very sorry! I can’t imagine. I hope the rest of your weekend is peaceful and relaxing.
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Kokoschka »

Honeybera,
I am SO, SO sorry. I guess both were very close and holding on for each other. But now that Dot is gone Spot can let go too. I know how painful this is for you but l hope that Spot doesn't have to suffer much longer.

I'm thinking of you, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
honeybera
Member
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

♥♥♥ You are all so kind! ♥♥♥ :| Thank you so very much.

This thread is my ONLY contact with the outside world. DS, despite his own grief, has been very supportive, too. And I have Spot in here with me. Although I am surprised by it, I'm finding that Spot, cantankerous as she may have been to her sister/litter-mate, is suffering with grief, too. I would not have believed it, but she is depressed and only wants to be near me. I'm about to watch a bit of TV now, put my feet up above my heart, and plop ol' Spotty-Watty-Doo-Dah down on my stomach for a cuddle. She is grieving as much as we humans are. Example: Dot was only semi-housebroken and sometimes wet on the carpet. When outside, the well-trained Spot would mark her territory on a bush or weed or something, immediately followed by an interested Dot who would also baptize whatever Spot had just marked. (Only female Rat Terriers lift their legs and mark their territory just like male dogs do.) Today the normally fastidious Spot went sniffing down the hallway near DS's bathroom, a favorite place for Dot to pee, went directly to an old dried up urine area of Dot's, sat there sniffing and pondering for a second, and then marked the spot. It was done very solemnly, like a tribute or some secret dog ritual between sisters. Heartbreaking. We all mourn in different ways.

Last night I put Spot in the dog pen. I had no idea of her feelings. She just stood there in the pen, and then walked over to Dot's old bed. She laid her head down on it while still standing, and then slowly walked over to the gate with pleading eyes looking at me to be let out. I did, and she has stayed in my room ever since.

DS is at work again tonight until 4am. :roll: This is supposed to be a PART TIME job, but they have already asked him to work for 4 more days next week (plus this weekend!) at a site clear up at the state's border!! It's easily an hour and a half away, but is only for 5 hrs. of work. He's just lost his dog, too, and feels bad for not being here for me. I know this may sound rather crass, but he just got his Xmas gift of a PS5. He found one after a focused and diligent, months-long search AND at a regular store price :o , (Mom will pay for it: Merry Xmas), and repeated disappointments and "almost-got-one"s, but thrilled as he is to have finally gotten one, he's not been able to play it much. We are oddballs. AND we are gamers, the both of us. We cope sometimes (often) by playing video games. It soothes us. (I've been on my iPhone gaming steadily for the past 2 days!!) Yet he can't seem to find the time to grieve while playing his new system that he's been trying to get since last October! He's not used to working like this, but has claimed that he's going to tell the bosses NO and to give him a week off. He really needs it. We both do.

I did end up with some good news tonight. NORMAL blood sugars after eating a meal are about 180. Mine were in the several hundreds before my ULTRA-fast last week, but tonight after an entire pork steak with fried onions (yum!) and a very rich cuppa BP coffee, it was only 176!!! That number I used to would have considered as a good FASTING reading, but this was after a nice big meal! More proof that it really works! The numbers don't lie.

It's time to grab old Spot-tastic and do some TV watching while I pet her and put my feet up. Again, thanks for helping me get through this. I don't mean to sound like:
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Not really dependent, but everyone needs a friend from time to time. ♥♥ Thanks for being mine. ♥♥ Thanks for being here. ♥♥

Honeybera
dancingfish
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Posts: 1303
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish »

My condolences to you and your son, honeybera. It's such a big thing to lose a dear companion. You're taking good care of yourself now, and are there for Spot too. I have no doubt that animals grieve, too - as evidenced by the behaviour you're seeing too. Hope you have the time and space you wish for, and that your DS gets some time away too. Thinking of you, honeybera - wishing you all the support you could want from here. Just drop in and speak to us all whenever you need it. :)
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

dancingfish wrote: Sun Feb 28, 2021 8:33 am My condolences to you and your son, honeybera. It's such a big thing to lose a dear companion.
Many thanks to you, dancingfish. ♥♥♥ :| It really is a big thing. I was really glad to see your name on the screen today. It helps.
dancingfish wrote: Sun Feb 28, 2021 8:33 am You're taking good care of yourself now, and are there for Spot too. I have no doubt that animals grieve, too - as evidenced by the behaviour you're seeing too.
I totally agree! We are taking EXTREMELY good care of Spot and of us, too. Spot would not even eat, her usually strongly erect ears and tail held high were tucked, and she just looked depressed. But NOW (just tonight) I made a wonderful Chicken Cacciatore with drumsticks and I gave her all the cartilage from the ends of the bones, one piece at a time. SHE LOVED IT! Her ears perked up again, her tail wagged, and after a good meal, she slept soundly for the first time. I AM SO GRATEFUL!! I'm seeing that she may be around for a LONG time! We pray for such an outcome. I can't take much more grief. Not right now.

=================2:30am

Spot seems to be really rallying. I think she may snap out of this. She is sad to lose her sister, naturally, and she is the last dog (for now, until the pups arrive), but she is now the TOP DOG, getting ALL the attention, and she is loving it. We always had multiple dogs, but now she is all by herself. No wonder she is so upset. It's so different for her. Slowly she's coming around. We'll go out and work in the garden tomorrow, and we'll see how she does then...without dear Dot following her around the yard as she and Dot patrol. BUT her "new pack" is coming! She needs the new pack. We all do.

Now I need to sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted. Sleep is healing. Thanks for all the support, my friends. It's really helped.

Honeybera
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