Letting go

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Jonesy
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Re: Letting go

Post by Jonesy »

No worries, lovely one 8-)
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1111
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

8:00 am
"Cooler" days ahead! :mrgreen: Only 96ºF today! :oops: But it's still early yet, so...

I'm giving myself this task this morning: Go put the battery in the weedeater. That's it! Just slap that bad baby in there, weedeater in my hands all charged up, and see where this goes. I know me, and that should start it for me. I really want to get something (ANYTHING!) planted!! I'd also like to move ONE bale of straw over to a weedeaten place and strew it around. Etc. etc. I'll see what needs to be done once I get there. There are just WAY too many tasks for me to do, and that overwhelming sort of thing, that overabundance of THINGS TO DO stops me cold every time, so to just get out there and BEGIN is what I need to do. I only have MD (Inner Critic) standing over me, lording over me, and criticizing my every move with the threat of bodily harm if I make the unavoidable mistake (judged by HER criteria!) IF I ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN. She isn't really HERE anymore, and I'm not a helpless little kid UNLESS MY BRAIN TELLS ME THAT. That means that I am in charge in the here and now!

So stop writing, put on my gardening hat and gloves, and get out there, battery in hand! TTFN (ta ta for now)

But wait! The news just came back on automatically (I had it on pause) with more police body cam footage of that shooting at VTA in the light rail line offices and maintenance yard. Where I worked before was in another yard, one of the bus yards, and when I left in 2014, they already had razor wire topping a chain link fence enclosure around the BBQ pit/patio area and I needed my employee ID card to enter. When I saw this footage today, I flashed back to just after 9/11 when I was doing the airport run and saw to my horror ARMED militia in full uniform patrolling every inch of the airport and surrounding areas. I just shut today's news off, but I watched glued to the set while it played and I kept saying, "OMG. I know EXACTLY where that is!!" I cannot imagine how strictly they will be shutting down my old bus yard! This really brought it HOME to me!!

But...true to Honeybera form :roll: ...it only makes me grateful that I no longer drive a bus over there. That I bought a home here when I did. That I have my lovely, although messy, garden where I can be AWAY from all this madness that I saw this morning!! Wow. What a life I've led! <just shaking my head> I should write a book! Oh no, wait...I already have on here! :lol:

Where's that weedeater battery??!!

=============================(10 am)

I DID IT AGAIN!!! YAY!! :mrgreen: Did some weedeating and lots of planning and I even moved and lifted one of those (filled with potting soil, but unwatered, so not as heavy) 30 gallon pots into a small scalloped cement 3-piece ring that was there for a long-dead Meyer lemon tree. It fits perfectly, but I strained my left thumb doing it. It's ok now. The ground is all weedeaten and is READY for that straw bale, but I have to finish my weedeating in another area to be able to drag my bale over to the place I just cleared of weeds. I had to stop and fix my weedeater THRICE already! But I knew what I was doing this time, not like while I was a new homeowner and just knew that I needed a weedeater. :roll: Didn't know how they worked. NOW I do!

I'm just taking a short break now and getting a drink of water. It's getting hot out there. I need to keep doing this every day and then hide inside when it gets REALLY hot in the late afternoon. Next weeks highs will only be in the mid- to high 80s, so I'm looking forward to that! If I can stay out there long enough today, I'm going to plant some things: my tomatoes, a couple of bush bean plants, and some squash. Oh! Peppers, too! My Nadapeños (not hot Jalapeño - Nada means "nothing" or "not" in Spanish) - anyway, my Nadapeños have these tiny peppers on them already. They are planted in a small one gallon pot for four plants growing in there!! FOUR! So I'm going to try to make them a priority today or tomorrow. I need to prep all my beds (and fertilize all my trees, too) and that's a lot of work, so I'm just going to keep puttering away at it. Oh! And those hummingbird plants that I moved the other day? DOING GREAT! It's what they needed! Did I say that I have tiny little yellow Anne raspberries growing? What a hobby! :mrgreen:

My pups are falling into line. I needed Spot's help to do so. She is taking NO GUFF off of them! :lol: It's like asking an ancient old lady in a nursing home to watch a couple of lively, taunting preschoolers for some time! I'm amazed that she can do so well, but she does!! She doesn't hurt them at all, but she is determined to not be messed with!! Her bed is off limits and so am I. Well, sometimes I'm allowed to pick up a pup and cuddle with her. So we're all bonding nicely: good for the pups (bonding/socialization/boundaries), good for me (no more WWIII), and even old Spot seems more lively and is apparently missing HER sister less. I don't mind if the pups want to tussle over a toy or treat, just don't mess with Spot...and Spot sees to that!

Well, back to the weedeating. This is getting to be fun! :mrgreen:

=============================(2:30pm)

Weedeating done. Petting puppies done (for now). Yard watering done. Now I'M DONE! So tired! But it's a good tired. My foot is killing me if I walk on it, however I've got a few more things to do INSIDE, but much later. I need to rest now. I'm an old girl, too, like Spot. Nothing got planted today (yet). I may still try to get out there just before dark and poke a few seeds in the pots out there, but I should really just rest first. There are ants in the dog's pen again (coming in from outside), so I need to give a quick Raid spray to the outside. That usually takes care of it for a good long while and that takes top priority today.

============================(5:45pm)

Fell asleep in my computer chair watching an old Star Trek rerun. Enough. Going to bed.

Honeybera
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hello to whomever is watching/reading along. :mrgreen:

I just stabbed myself with my very sharp gardening tool :roll: - my skin is so thin that everything, each poke with anything or dog's claw or tooth, makes me bleed! Dogs are QUIET for once - I threw some treats out the door and they are fighting over them or enjoying them. I have to teach Boots how to SHUT UP (she's a yapper!) outside or she'll be in the crate A LOT! My touchy neighbor has already come by once and complained.

My legs got so painful yesterday that I had to have DS bring me some water to drink from the hobby room fridge. It was just too painful to walk there without crying. So today after shepherding yappy dogs, watching WWIII inside IF they're all in here at once (pups pack up against Spot if they're both inside with her), and waiting for my ibuprofen to kick in, I thought that I'd like to say hi. I think that I just overdid it yesterday. Taking it a little easier today and laying down repeatedly throughout the day and resting my leg. Not as much sitting. I can watch TV from my recliner - and study for a test that I have coming up.

My hummingbird plants are thriving again! They absolutely love it in their new spot. My view from my WOW? Gorgeous pink trumpet blossoms nodding in the wind (from my Agastache x 'Kudos Ambrosia' - SO PRETTY!) and a few deep purple AND some red ones that are really coming back beautifully.

I got out my seeds today for the beans and the squash. I unearthed my hand tools for gardening and fixed the bucket handle that they were in.

=======================(hours later)

...and so frustrated that I'm in tears! My leg is hurting again AND the pups are outside BARKING! Not at anything, but just playing and barking at each other. I feel that they can't make ANY noise or else my neighbor will complain to the City and then I'm in the soup again! I guess I could just choose one and take the other one to the Dog Pound!! Yes, I'm that upset. Or I could sell one. But which one? :cry: OMG. I am so frustrated!!

=====================(after about an hour or so of YouTube)

♥♥ GOD BLESS YOUTUBE!! ♥♥ There is a device that I can buy that will send out an "unpleasant" sound every time my dumb dogs BARK! The noise makes them stop barking! NOW WE'RE COOKING!!! I can buy it on Amazon for a mere $25 - and it promises to "train" my dogs to NOT BARK anymore - unless there's something to really bark at. I sure do hope that this works!

====================(after an afternoon well spent!)

I have found a method to remove the stains and odors of urine on my (20 yr. old) carpet so I don't have the "re-marking" that I'm having now. Especially Spot and Mittens! Spot has always been a marker, but now she's in the house all the time, and when Mittens comes in, she'll pee on my bathroom floor or carpet and Spot will invariably go to the same spot and re-mark it. At night when I'm groggy and walking to the bathroom myself, it'll be exactly where I'm walking in my bare feet. Ewww! :x Even if I mop the floor, it takes more than just a quick attack with the Swiffer Wet. It takes a real mop and a heavy bucket of soapy water. My actual carpet is getting the same "marking" treatment, so I'm really happy to have found this new spray stuff. Just spray it on and let it dry. No more pee-pee smells to entice marking. Hallelujah! We had a few accidents today. ASAP I'm going to remove every bit of carpet except from the closets and the storage room and put in waterproof and easy-to-clean vinyl planks. It only makes sense.

I'm also getting a bunch of rope tug toys (cheap, but the pups love to tug and fight over them) and some more dog puzzles (you hide food in the little pockets and the dogs have to figure out how to get them). My dogs really like them! I already got the easy model, but they have it all figured out now, so I'm going for the more advanced puzzles where they need to move levers and little boxes shaped like bones. It's really cute.

Tonight I have old ancient Spot in my room with me along with the ever-exuberant super-puppy BOOTS. Right now, believe it or not, all is quiet. As long as Boots doesn't charge at Spot, it's ok. But if she does, Spot nails her! However, tonight Spot is showing signs of a slight bit of tolerance and even curiosity as to who this silly puppy in a play stance is! She'll leave Boots alone, maybe even sniff at her, but then Boots, who's been thrown onto her back in complete submission to Spot, will jump up and want to play and the snarling begins again. They're both Rat Terriers, AKA Feists due to their feisty attitudes, and even at her ripe old age and riddled with cancer, Spot has just shown the pup who is BOSS. :lol: I love this breed. Tougher than nails!

=============================(just about bedtime)

Brought Boots in, as I said, and now she's crated and happy. Gave her a "crunchy" beef trachea with peanut butter spread inside. Pure heaven (for a dog)! :lol: Lick, lick, lick! So I then let Mittens in for some time. Again Spot was kind of curious, but while still maintaining her Alpha position. I'm not even jumping in anymore, and now they're getting along for the most part. They don't need a referee, they really don't...unless the pups are packed up (together) against Spot. But separate? Spot's got it covered. ♥Some kind of dog!!♥

I'm ready for bedtime now myself. DS just got home from work. I've been doing pretty well with my sleep time lately. I'd better! The afternoons are too hot to work in, so I've got to be up and out there in the morning or else! And besides, those pups wear me out! :lol:

Honeybera
Last edited by Serenity on Sun Jun 06, 2021 11:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT for some triggering detail
honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

It is really, really hard to sit here and watch my dear old Spot, trooper that she is, slowly die, unable to eat, vomiting, but still up and wobbly walking into my bathroom to eat tiny bites and drink water. I can't euthanize her. I just can't. She is still up and walking around, but must sleep most of the day and night away. My heart goes out to her. I can't let the pups in today at all, not with Spot this ill. I'm on hold to speak with some total stranger (counselor) right now. I just finished (or nearly finished) crying my eyes out due to all this. I so wish that I had a friend to talk to, but I can't think of a single person, not even a family member. Even DS with all his problems with his boss overworking him can't give me all that he normally could. He gets short tempered with me and that's the last thing I need right now.

And it's not just Spot. My room is carpeted with the 20 yr. old carpet that came with the place. One of the pups apparently had the runs all over my carpet and I can't bend over or get down on my knees to clean it up. DS said he would, but he hasn't. It's right in front of my closet door and my recliner, so that whole side of my room is off limits to me now. It's sitting here at the computer or laying down in bed. That's it. And watch ol' Spot die.

Plus my right leg and lower back are killing me! So painful that even when I'm hungry, I put off taking the walk all the way to the kitchen. I still need to water my yard. Maybe visit with the pups (who are being incredibly GOOD today!) while I water. Where in the heck is that "counselor"??? I've been on hold for a half an hour!! If I go outside by 7pm to water, I should be able to trowel in some nice fertilizer into the pots and plant SOMETHING at least.

It's just the constant mourning that's getting to me ATM. It's funny. I haven't mourned for MD at all, but losing Butterbutt, then Ms. T, and then Dot and now watching Spot going that way, too, is just gut wrenching! And I can't give the pups the attention that they need. If all of my dogs got along, this wouldn't be as bad. If my leg and back didn't stop me from walking out into the yard or even into the kitchen, I could be better with my pups. I hope that they haven't uprooted my little Rubinette apple tree out there yet. They really like to dig in that pot.

I've been on hold for a friggin' LONG TIME now! "If you're in pain, just reach out to someone!" MALARKEY!!! I've been on hold for a full 45 minutes now! I'm just glad that in my isolation, I always have you guys to talk to! Otherwise, I'd lose my freakin' mind!!

Now it's been 50 min. I don't think they're going to answer. I'm glad I'm not suicidal!! Once Spot passes, then I can let the pups in my room without problems, but if I let only one in, so Spot can handle it with only one, the other one will sit at my WOW and whine and yap to come in. I've got that rotten neighbor lady two houses down that is threatening to complain to the city if my dogs even bark, and half the time it's the other neighborhood dogs that are making the noise. She's just put in an above ground pool (la dee dah!) :roll: and she feels it's ok if her kids make all kinds of noise and scream and throw F-bombs and worse at one another, but God forbid if someone's dogs are playing. She said to me the other day, "IT SOUNDED LIKE PUPPIES!" :x Good grief!! I don't have enough stress!

But today they've been little angels, for which I am eternally grateful! I also sent off for better kibble (for whoever has the diarrhea), really top grade stuff - hope they like it! And lots of rope/tug toys for them to fight over and lots of puzzles for them to solve. And I'm getting one of those "stop bark" ultrasonic boxes and hope to heck it works. They were barking just now and I gave them a beef jerky chew and off they ran! I'd so love to just let them in and cuddle the heck out of them! Better for them and better for me, but certainly NOT better for Spot. One helluva lot of pressure on me.

======================(an hour later)

I hung up on the counseling line after waiting for them to pick up for ONE HOUR AND 15 MIN! :roll: Glad I did. Went in and gave each pup an individual cuddle and then sliced up the bread that I made some time ago. I didn't water. I will in the morning. And plant something! I'm doing my level best not to just lose it. When I went into the kitchen, we had ants on the island trying to get into my almond butter. They weren't quick enough, and I annihilated them and gave it a spritz with Raid. That'll teach 'em!! Yesterday they were in the garbage can. A few days before they were on the sink sideboard and coming through the dishwasher. AARRGGHH!!! But it's been like that - just one thing after another. Dog doo and ants and crabby neighbors and death!

One funny thing though: I gave ol' Bootsy a tiny misshapen piece of bread I'd just sliced and she began to eat it - but then she ran off and took it to some cardboard boxes, put it in between the boxes, and tried to "bury" it in there with her nose. :lol: Was it that bad?? :mrgreen: Hilarious!! I need to put them and me to bed now. What a day! I know that I'm not alone and that there are many, many people that have it WAY worse than me, but it just seems to be piling up at the moment for me. But I'll be ok. Just one foot in front of the other...

Honeybera
dancingfish
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish »

Sending you care and support, honeybera. That sounds so tough in all sorts of ways.

Is there perhaps a way to reach out for help with some of the things that are proving tricky right now? Whether it's a doctor call for leg pain, possible help with physical things, or someone to listen... I realise being on hold for a counsellor that didn't come through didn't help either though, that seems to be a silly way of handling calls!

Just some thoughts, as it's hard to see you being in a tough situation. I know even thinking of these things is a whole extra effort too though, and that's hard when we're at our limit. You do deserve love and care, particularly when there's so much to deal with. Sitting here with you, dear honeybera. :)
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

dancingfish wrote: Sat Jun 05, 2021 6:44 am Sitting here with you, dear honeybera. :)
Oh dancingfish! Thank you! That literally brought tears to my eyes. Ol' Spot has gotten diarrhea very badly and is vomiting, but is still able to make it into the bathroom. I just want to treat her as I'd want to be treated when my time comes (the old Golden Rule). My leg feels much better today, so I'm going to don some gloves soon and try to tidy up my bathroom floor and the designated "poop throw rug" which is FULL. All the stuff from Chewy is on its way (Nature's Miracle clean up solutions so the pups don't start this messing on the carpet, too). I am going to put down the disposable pads today and just throw away the old throw rug I think. As long as she's going in the bathroom and doing her best to aim, it's all linoleum, hence an easy clean up. I watch her from my chair here trying to find a perfect spot to do her business, but she's so weak that she can barely keep her balance to go potty. Tending to Spot is utterly heartbreaking, but I'd have this done no other way. She's always been good to us and I am happy to return the favor to my faithful old friend. Geriatric Nursing 101. :roll: Heaven knows I'm qualified.

I'm buying a lot of really fun toys and lots of treats for my little girls to keep them busy until I can give more dedicated time to them. They need my attention, too.

I still haven't watered outside YET, but will soon. It will feel good to be outside and have my lively pups running around. I need that to tether my own soul to reality and the promise of a brighter future that they bring, but right now I'm afraid that Spot comes first and shouldn't have to fend anyone or anything off ATM. Again, the pups have been SO good for the past couple of days. So thereby more toys and treats, changed up as needed, to keep their lives interesting, happy, and busy. We have a market nearby that sells peanut butter fresh ground in a self serve machine, so I had DS run over and get me 2 little tubs of it (still warm when he brings it home - just roasted salted peanuts and nothing else!), one for the dogs and one for us. The pups go wild over it! I have some little stuff-able toys and lick mats already, but am ordering more (and even "tug" toys) - and I even have some cheese coming that I can squeeze in there for them as an alternative. (I got one for me, too! For veggies and even burgers, hot dogs, etc. Hey, I deserve a treat sometimes, too, right? :P )
dancingfish wrote: Sat Jun 05, 2021 6:44 am I realise being on hold for a counsellor that didn't come through didn't help either though, that seems to be a silly way of handling calls!
I know, huh! But writing to all of you while waiting did the trick and got me through my sorrows. Still kind of irksome though. That was the one my health insurance pays for!! I'm just glad that I have you guys here to talk to. It used to be that if I had a crisis of some sort that seemed overwhelming, I'd just call a counselor hotline. Or when I was little, I'd just cry and feel bad all alone. But isurvive.org is amazing. Especially if I get the urge in the wee hours or on the weekend. I am so grateful for this. SO grateful!!!

============================(8:45p)

Time to put the pups away. Just watered the entire yard (garden) and am I glad I did! 3 days of goofing off/procrastinating is just too much for my plants out there. They were getting that wilty look. I lost another cuphea, the Minnie Mouse one. :( The rest look like they'll be ok, but with every other day watering until JULY :oops: , THEN every day. My pups got in a REALLY good run while I watered! They can cover over 100' in a couple of seconds chasing each other! AS FAST AS LIGHTENING!! And turn on a dime! Ah, youth! :mrgreen: Once they're a year old, I can take them to Lure Coursing events. Wait until I spread that straw around and keep a couple of bales for them to play on! I can hide really flavorful treats in the bales and let them look for them. Kind of a doggie hide and seek. Training for Barn Hunt events. They're way too young and untrained right now, but tonight we practiced "look at me" first and then I tossed a treat, said "get it", and let them find it. They are GREAT dogs!

Time to sleep now. All is quiet. All is well...so far. I fixed up Spot's bed, a MyPillow dog bed, and moved it so she could sleep on the fluffy, clean side. It looked so nasty to me. So to make her more comfortable, I moved it. Wrong move. I am not a dog nor do I understand what they like apparently. She walked around and would not lay in it. I could see the problem. She'd gotten it worn in in the exact shape of her body and was completely comfortable with it the way it was. So I moved it back. What do I know? :roll: She had a bad time today. She began to walk out of the bathroom and I could tell that she was in trouble. She suddenly had no control of her bowels and there it went, but worse, it was full of blood along with the poop. I don't believe that we have much more time together.

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Sun Jun 06, 2021 9:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, for some triggering detail
honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Again, thank you to you, ♥Jonesy♥! I never know what's appropriate and what's not. So glad you have my back! My autism strikes again. :|

Today Spot is better and the pups are more well behaved every day! So YAY!! :mrgreen:

(Don't faint!) I'M CLEARING OFF MY KITCHEN TABLE AND MY SIDEBOARD!!! (It's halfway done already!!) I'm taking a well deserved break ATM. I got sick and tired of the news on TV, so I turned it off. I just kind of wandered into the kitchen, picked up a piece of this (and found it a home), and a piece of that (threw it in the trash or the many donation boxes), and just kept on going, sitting down whenever necessary. SO PROUD OF ME!!! :mrgreen:

It's no wonder that I'm having troubles. My house is SO disorganized! It's NEVER BEEN organized! Stuff that I never or rarely use was shoved into my kitchen and hobby room cabinets 20 yrs. ago and left there. Same with the garage. What I would give to have a buddy to even just sit there and talk to me as I worked. I don't mind the work. I mind the isolation. It makes the job...sort of pointless. Not really "pointless", but it's like the old saying, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Self satisfaction? Yes, that is definitely there, BUT...

MD had a saying, too: "If I haven't used it in 3 months, out it goes!" Leftover food was WAY worse!! If we didn't eat it at dinnertime, out it went! That always bothered me. My Grandma (so thrifty!) would take a leftover roast beef, grind it up and add mayo, etc., and she'd make my Grandpa and I sandwiches with it for lunch the next day. It was SO GOOD! Nothing went to waste! I saw MD as wasteful, but she saw herself as "elegant" and able to afford being wasteful. :roll: Roasts, steaks, half a chicken, spaghetti, casseroles, even my favorite ravioli :x , salads, bread, even desserts - right into the trash or garbage disposal!! :o She LITERALLY TRAINED ME to be a compulsive overeater. I wasn't heavy set back in the day, but when the food was placed before me, I ATE. If I didn't, it would be GONE!!! Kitchen closed. Cya tomorrow.

How did I get off on that track? :lol: Maybe it's why I hoard food now (refrigerators and freezers STUFFED full, Excalibur dehydrator, freeze dryer just waiting to be assembled, pantries FULL FULL FULL!!!) - even my sideboards are full and I have FIVE tiered turntables full of spices, herbs, flavorings, and the like. There's only the 2 of us here. DS buys fast food on occasion. I could feed an army! I need to "put away" a lot of the items I can store for "just in case", and I have organized that fairly well, but that stuff all goes into the storage room..."once I get the rolltop desk moved". Yeah, I'm getting tired of hearing me say that, too. :roll:

Odd. Sort of like MD, I am also being wasteful with food by gathering up so much of it, and after a while, it bypasses the "best by" date and becomes garbage. :shock: I just found a CASE of mushrooms in my walk-in hall pantry (yes, I have a kitchen walk-in pantry, too - neat as a pin and looks like a grocery store! :lol: ) - those mushrooms "best by" date was in 2016. So yes, out they go. At least that will give me more room for the items I use all the time. So the kitchen table, the kitchen pantry (not too much work in there), and a purge of the hall pantry for out of date items. I foresee FULL garbage cans for WEEKS to come! ;) And from now on I won't buy a CASE of mushrooms. A few cans will do just fine.

I'm going back in to the kitchen. I had to get my phone just in case they deliver my package from Chewy today. If I go out into the back yard to work before DS gets home from work at 5pm, I could lose my package to some porch package thief. From what my RING doorbell alerts tell me, these thieves are even stealing people's shoes and plants off their porches and breaking into their cars and/or stealing their catalytic convertors off their cars! So whenever I hear the doorbell (on my phone), I get up to my front door as quickly as I can, believe me! But sometimes the delivery guys just plop it down and leave without ringing the bell, but the RING still signals me on my phone that someone is there. Nice to have. But I'd left my phone in my room and got to puttering around. :? So now back to work in the kitchen WITH my phone! ;)
Clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy. - Unknown
Guess what! That is a common saying! They're selling it on a plaque all over the Internet! I can get one to post in my house!! What a rebel I am! :lol:

============================(wee hours - 1 am)

Long day, but a satisfying one. Got everything done that I'd attempted. I'm not speedy, but slow and steady wins the race, right? I fixed my weedeater again - ran out of fishing line. DS helped me pull out some old cases of food for disposal and now I have more room in the hall pantry. More on the kitchen table tomorrow. Did my pills, too, and made a lovely ground beef/cheese keto casserole. BTW, my house isn't like those houses on TV. It is cluttered, but isn't filthy, unusable, and unsafe. We're getting there to the quote above soon! And the weather for the next week is GORGEOUS! Mid 70s to low 80s! So I'd better get moving outside because within a week and a half it'll be up around 100-105ºF and after that it just doesn't let up. :oops:

Honeybera
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Epiphanies this morning while sitting outside and watching nature doing its dance: Bees, two competitive hummers, butterflies, and even my beloved lizards doing their territorial pushups on my fence. :mrgreen: I began pondering why I don't get things done. (My first clue was "pondering". :lol: )

MD cleaned like she was a boy killing snakes! FAST, WITH ENORMOUS ENERGY, PERFECTLY DONE, HAVE IT ALL ORGANIZED SO IT WOULD TAKE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME!!!! And heaven help the person who messed it up once she had it done!!!! And oftentimes, as her "whipping boy", I took the anger she had at whoever did the deed. All for a clean house. :roll: Or at least that's how she justified it in her own mind.

And then there's me: pondering, planning, taking in the "total traffic picture". (Bus driver talk) :P And then getting nothing DONE. :roll:

I don't want to feel any shame with this. I am just different from MD and her ways of doing things. (THANK GOD!!) But I also want to find a way to get more done without the perfectionistic insanity that was MD. In other words, I'd like to ENJOY what I'm doing and UNDERSTANDING the reasons for doing it. No one has to take their shoes off to come into my home, but I'm going with today's styles and getting vinyl plank flooring (very soon) because it will be SO much easier to clean (sweep and mop). This morning (as I sat there on my weathered plastic garden chair, planning and pondering - hey! I'm 74! It's my job now! :lol: ), I realized that I can put all those smaller 20- and 25-gallon Smart Pots up against my back fence (truly the surface of the sun in about another week or so!! H-O-T!!! :oops: ), BUT need to drag at least ONE straw bale over there to strew around, then move the (smaller) pots over there on top of the straw (weed control). I already have more of the empty, but filled, 30-gallon pots over by the 3 raised beds area. In the HOTTEST area (back fence), I plan to put my heat loving veggies (squash, tomatoes, peppers, and beans). BUT NOW I HAVE TO DO IT!!

And therein lies the rub. Doing it. I made a start on the kitchen table/hall pantry/kitchen pantry yesterday, but just a start, just a dent in the OVERWHELMING amount of things that are mine to do. BUT I can't let that deter me! I need to putter my way to a nice house. And I need to JUST DO IT! However, I am finding that not only can't I "just do it", but I shouldn't "just do it"...not without planning first of what I'm about to do, AND understanding the priority on the LIST OF THINGS TO DO that I have placed in my mind. I'm doing better these days (overcoming MD and her violently negative ways, and instead getting things DONE and even FINISHED). Now I'd like to understand exactly what it is that stops me from completing things at "planning and pondering".

I think I'll get busy right now. I have a couple of chores in the house that urgently need doing, my feet don't hurt as bad as they did since I'm more active now, :mrgreen: and then I'm tackling that bale of straw (pull it onto my large hauler and drag it across my yard to the back fence and spread it around - the pups should love that! :lol: ) - and IF I have any strength left, place a couple of pots up against the fence on top of the straw, ready for seeds to be shoved into them once the soil is "refreshed", which is a whole other chore! But am I losing weight with all this? YEP! :mrgreen:

This is NOT a cop-out! (Ooh, sort of defensive there!) I'm just trying to figure out all this procrastination WITHOUT MD and WITHOUT guilt! What is stopping me and WHY?

=============================(Nearly OMAD time - late afternoon - and I'm hungry!)

Correction: I need to HARVEST my apricots TODAY! And put them into the fridge. THEY ARE RIPE and ready to go! SO SWEET! YUM! (Just sayin'.) I can also make one of my favorites: Dried apricots (using the never-before-used Excalibur!) - they halve really easy and I have a half of a cleared off and cleaned kitchen table, so maybe tonight put in 9 trays to dry? I can do that, but today I have to clear TWO trees, my Cot-N-Candy Aprium and my Blenheim apricot tree. I cleared out my little wire trug (so cute! Heart Vintage Wire Basket Metal Grey Rectangular Kitchen Garden Wedding Shabby Trug - AMAZON) AND right after my OMAD, I'm going out to harvest and then dry my apricots. IF I DO ACTUALLY DO THIS, it'll be a first! Every year before they just sat around the kitchen and rotted or fell off the tree and fed the rats. Not too pretty. Going to heat up my OMAD and then get going. I'll tell you how I did later. This is new territory for me!!! I CAN do it, but will I? I'm sure going to try!! :|

============================(after OMAD AND a lot of internet browsing)

No apricots picked yet, but it's still light out.

I'm finding that I'm easily distracted. I'm worse than the pups! I'm having a bit of a hard time focusing on one thought, one task, one idea. It's not such a BAD thing, just an observation.

=========================(NEXT DAY - THURSDAY - 3PM)

Still no apricots picked, no tomatoes (or anything else) planted. :cry: But just sitting here today and letting that fact sink in, I'm even more sure that MD didn't raise me right (DUH!), BUT that I am ultimately responsible for any outcome that that causes. No one else is going to do this for me. Unfair that I got such a rough start? Sure it is. But that's still the fact. If my apricots (or whatever else) don't get picked (or whatever - fertilized, planted, and so on), it's all on me. I can either do it or not do it. That is new in my thinking process, believe it or not. The time for "if only" this or that is not appropriate in my thought train anymore.

And the really odd part is that I don't feel threatened or resentful by that anymore, either. It is what it is. Wow. :mrgreen:

I'm just finishing up doing a TON of online ordering, mostly stuff for the poor pups who haven't been seeing enough of me lately. Rope toys and ball launchers and a scrumptious dog food from New Zealand that costs more than Fillet Mignon, but that Spot will also eat and keep down. I've been letting her out into the garden area lately, too, and the potty clean up in here has reduced dramatically! She even tried to "mark" a spot where the pups had peed out there in the garden, but she's so weak that she sort of fell over trying to do that. (What a warrior spirit, though!!) She also is sunbathing periodically, something that she's always loved to do.

So enough of this. I have a bunch of toys here already and pups just itching to play, an old dog who'd also like some of my time (but she's napping now with a full tummy for a change), and apricots to pick and tomatoes and beans to plant. Yes, even at 3pm. :lol:

==========================(11:30pm)

Didn't get to the apricots tonight because I ran out of daylight and needed to do the watering first. I did weedeat the entire dog's yard after picking up SO many toys, bones, empty 30-gallon pots that were strewn around, etc. They'd made a bit of a mess out there. It's nice and tidy now and the dogs have a new source of drinking water, too, in a large plant saucer. I know exactly where I'm going to put their doggy wading pool. I'd like to spread some straw around first though under the little pool to keep the weeds down. I'm studying YouTube videos on how to introduce my pups to water so that they love it and not fear it for the rest of their lives. It's going to get darned hot out there in a very short time.

I'm also changing my vet. The fiasco with my beloved Butterbutt and her sad demise at the hands of my former vet (and hospital) where they called me to come and pick her up because they were closing (it was on a Friday afternoon) and could I take her to another vet hosp. over the weekend some 50 miles away through heavy traffic. I said SURE! We'll be right there!! (It's like 7 min. away from my house.) They said she was "doing just fine", but they'd "be more comfortable" if we'd take her to that other vet, "just to be sure". I could pick her up on Monday morning and take her home from there. But when I got to our vet's office, DS and I were asked to sit down in the waiting room, that they'd be with us ASAP. They were "getting her ready", they said. :roll: Our vet was nowhere to be found. Then we were asked to come into the back, and there we saw poor tiny Butterbutt laying on a table, DEAD. They pretended to "revive" her. But I used to be a nurse (MANY moons ago) and I know death when I see it. So they fooled around "reviving" her for a few minutes and then insulted my intelligence further by proclaiming her DEAD. (Yeah, I knew that already! :x ) "Would I like some time with her?" OMG. YES! I sat with her for an hour or so. She looked like she was sleeping. Then they began pressuring me with "did I want her cremated?" and "Shall we dispose of the body?" :x :x :x THEY'D EUTHANIZED HER!! Probably by accident. What monsters!! Then they handed me a bill for over $1200!! I remember numbly paying it. I wanted to CHOKE somebody!! They were all business, handed me back my credit card, and asked us to leave since they were closing. Hey, it was FRIDAY after all! :x

But there was more to come! A few weeks later on, THEY ALL SIGNED A SYMPATHY CARD and mailed it to me!!!!!!!!! "So sorry about little Butterbutt." and so on. All the office girls and assistants and vets signed it, too! I can't tell you how steamed I was!!!! I guess they didn't want to lose business. :roll: Last month I had made an appointment for June 16th to have them see my new pups, but it is just irritating me...BIG TIME!!! I have my two new pupperoos and they are going to be needing to see a vet for shots and a chip really soon. Our state is just opening up, so now's the time. I made an appointment to see our old vet JUST FOR THEIR SHOTS AND THE CHIPS, but I kept thinking about dear old Butterbutt and what she'd gone through with them and their incompetency. It still sticks in my craw!! And now to present them with another chance to hurt my dogs? NO, I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So I asked my old friend, the Internet, "who is a GOOD vet nearby"? If I was willing to travel 50 miles through snarled traffic for The Butt, I would certainly do it for my new pups! I love my dogs with all my heart!! Well, I think that I've found a doozie! He comes HIGHLY recommended and only 11 min. away this time, so still close and no traffic problems, either. I read all the patient reviews and they all LOVE this vet! So I'm going to call first thing in the morning...as soon as I wake up, that is. I'm going to make an appointment for as soon as I can get in, and as soon as our state opens up so we can go into the office, masks or no masks as they require them.

I've also got a test to take that I've been putting off for WAY WAY WAY too long. Me? Test anxiety? I suppose so. My car is finally running again - it sat too long and the battery died. I need to run it for some time (a couple of hundred miles to reset the car's computer) and then smog it. But it'd be sort of nice to get out and about a bit. Ooh, I'd love to hit a nursery or two and get some more plants, especially herbs. I'm way too late for seeds at this time of the year. Maybe just take out one pup at a time for a nice ride without any dreaded vet visits. Or just set them in the car so they get used to "going" somewhere. I still don't have their collars! Maybe I could go get them a couple. I know just the place! :mrgreen: Maybe get them a little name tag to boot!

I'm just rambling. I need some sleep. Thanks for listening. I really needed to DUMP all that about Butterbutt again. No wonder I've been so edgy about taking my pups into the place where they KILLED Butterbutt!! I don't want to ever go into that place again!! And I really needed to share that with you. I think that simply changing vets is by far the most sensible way to go. Trust (or lack thereof) is a really big issue with me, and my trust with those idiots that I put in charge of Butterbutt's care betrayed me and then lied to me about it while casually relieving me of a cool $1200. :cry: I don't need to reward them with my return nor to give them another chance that they DO NOT deserve. Nuff said!

Honeybera
honeybera
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Posts: 1111
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hallelujah!!! :mrgreen: I watered EVERYTHING (tomorrow is going to be 102ºF and for the next several days hitting 109º and possibly 111º!!!And I plan to water at least twice a day!!), I harvested a FULL BASKET of my Apriums (and a few remaining Blenheims), AND I moved (all by myself) one of the straw bales into the hauler and I even scooted it around until it sat flat. Boots was fascinated by the 6 bales stacked two high, and the bales were way too high for them to get up on before this, so I played with them to get them accustomed to straw bales (for future training in Barn Hunt once they're a year old). They LOVE those bales!! I need to spread this one all over next to my back fence and move the smaller pots in next to the fence. Then refresh the soil, fertilize EVERYTHING according to its needs, and that will be more than enough for one day.

I'm beginning to notice that I take a lot of work onto myself. I feel responsible for EVERY DARNED THING, both inside and out. I'm no teenager. I just don't have that kind of energy anymore. I do need to do more than I'm doing, but NOT EVERYTHING! I am responsible for both the front yard, the back yard (everything outside), all housekeeping (dishes, cooking, floors cleaned, my own laundry, dogs fed, trained, and kept quiet, and so on - including the ), household management (pay bills, make sure everyone has everything they need and keep track of all the orders, and so on), and let's not forget the garage and clearing out of the storage room and the sorting out of the donations.

I get to bending down and a few minutes later, my back is killing me or I can't walk for several minutes. Not out in the backyard, though. Go figure. There I can go for a couple of hours without stopping much, bending, lifting, and pulling very heavy things, but in the house? Oh no. Just putting the dishes into the dishwasher and OWWWW!!! I'm finished for the day and trying to figure out what to eat without cooking anything. Now why isn't it the same out in the yard?
================================(days pass...)
The kitchen table is half cleared off right now, it's nearly noon, my teething pups are chewing at their Pupford beef jerky strips on the cool cement back step and not making too much noise doing it. It's supposed to be 109ºF here today. I've already watered once this morning, moved my potted (1-2 gallon) pepper plants that I grew from seed over to sit in the sun from relative shade. The dogs have commandeered the nice cool spot right underneath the bird bath feeder and are happily lounging there. I uncovered the bird feeder this morning so the birds can come and eat and get a drink from the bird bath, but no takers yet with the HOUNDS FROM HELL underneath there!

I think I just figured out how to stop them from barking AND from that horrible COMPETITION of "who gets the treat"! Take the one big piece of jerky and bust it up into delectable SMALLER pieces, and then there are too many pieces to fight over. I have been giving them TWO treats so each one can have one, but one of them, usually Boots, will drop her piece and try to take the other one's - and the fight is on! Then they bark at each other to "give up" the desired treat. :roll: So I just dropped several pieces of this jerky out to them that is very tough to chew (and cut up) to maybe 5" long and skinny (split lengthwise, too) instead of TWO of them at about 10" and 2" across. It's much more economical and there's peace in the neighborhood, too! If the pups don't have the sense to come inside into the A/C pen by about 3pm (the hottest time of the day), I'll just close their doggie door to the outside.

Their competition is triggering for me. MD LOVED to "compete" with me because the games were always rigged for her to win. And so it is with a true narcissist. She really enjoyed winning!! Of course that made me the LOSER. I even named her games: "See my dad's name?" where she'd ridicule me to my father in front of me. (He did nothing about it. He'd just look away and pretend.) Like, "SEE, my dad's name! See how she is? She did.......(w/e sensitive button of mine she could push)...isn't she awful! Don't you agree with me?" And he'd grunt or nod slightly just to keep her quiet. This is why it was so important to me to have him say to me before he passed away, "I love you, my real name.", but only when MD had left the room for a moment, and when she came flying back into the room, he pulled away from me like I was a hooker or something and he'd been caught! :cry:

And there's always Here, Birdy, Birdy - a particularly vicious game of GOTCHA!! In that game, you soothe the victim by saying sweet things, pulling them in with comforting words they long to hear, waiting for them to drop their guard and come to you, and then GOTCHA!! You lower the boom!! You hit them with the meanest and/or most humiliating things you can think of!! It trained me well...TO HATE COMPETITION!! To me, it means being pitted against someone who intends to WIN over me, to humiliate me, to make me a LOSER. I've had a lifetime of that and no longer want it! NO THANK YOU!!

==========================(Friday early afternoon :oops: )

OMG. I just stepped into the lovely AIR-CONDITIONED house after spending an hour and a half out there in the yard watering (AND FERTILIZING with a MorBloom® "tea" [0-10-10]!! So proud of me!) in 100ºF heat!!! Even though I thoroughly watered yesterday, things were already drooping!! IT'S HOT! But better that I water right now in the early afternoon than face the LATE afternoon in 108ºF HEAT! :roll: Lordy! My bad though. I overslept until noon, and I don't want to do that ever again. It's only about 60-65ºF in the early morning, so I need to train myself (albeit gently) to get up super early again (remember I was a bus driver) so I don't either A)kill my plants due to lack of water or B)kill me due to the scorching heat.

But to me, this is SUCCESS! I may not be doing it perfectly, but at least I am doing it! Last night I picked through the basket of apricots that I'd picked the other day. Some were no good, but most were just fine. Last year the rats and birds and ants got them. ALL of them! This year maybe a third of them. It was due to me just finally just getting out there and DOING IT. Maybe I was a little late, but not completely late and trying to just get rid of the soggy, bruised, ant infested MESS.

Since it's a lovely 77º in the house, including the kitchen, I'm going to do two things: make some soups (Cream of Broccoli and Collards with Ham Hocks) for the freezer and ready those apricots for the Excalibur dehydrator. I've got my lemon juice [4:1 water and lemon juice] for the plunge before drying. (Saw how to do it on the internet.) This is a LONG way forward in my healing up emotionally.

=======================(Bedtime)

Nothing got done except I did shove a tub of apricots that I'd sorted into the fridge. They are really too soft to dry them, I think. But I'm ok with that. Well, okay with that for this year. Also Spot took one heck of a fall off my lap and landed on her head and neck, but she's walking (still wobbly) now. For a while she wouldn't walk at all, but I walked to the hobby room and she followed, but she must be very sore. That's quite a fall! She went to leap off onto the floor, I guess thinking that she'd do it more gracefully than she did, but her front legs collapsed as she landed and WHACK! Her head and neck were hurt and then she wouldn't walk. But now she's ok - thank God! Now I'm exhausted and it truly is bedtime. Another scorcher tomorrow and the next day. I'll just keep on watering and then doing what I can inside. What else can I do?

Oh yeah, and before Spot fell, my ODS (older dear son) called me "just to say hello". :? Nice, REALLY nice, but he's never done that before. EVER. He calls me on Mother's Day and usually on my birthday...but that's IT. It was nice to talk to him, and we talked for well over an hour. He lives in the Midwest. Now I can't say that 'no one" calls me. :lol:

Off to bed now...got to get out there in the morning first thing or face the H-E-A-T!! :oops: BTW, the hummingbirds are back! YAY!

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1111
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Today I drug the SECOND bale of straw across the backyard to the garden area to ready for tomorrow when I strew it around. The first bale is being used as a training tool for future Barn Hunt sessions/events. I hid little pieces of chicken jerky as far down in the bale as I could, but they sniffed around and found them all! Lots of fun for all of us, and what a great training tool!! I also got them some "Engage" treats from Pupford dog treats that I wasn't sure if they'd like: a split Elk horn and a really hard yak cheese log. I tried them out on Mittens and she went crazy for them! I gave the by-then crated Boots the cheese one, she took one sniff and plopped it into her bed, chewing and gnawing on it! A big hit with both of them! I'm so relieved!

I also cleaned my formerly greasy stove top. Keto is a high fat diet and my stove showed it, but now it's so clean that when I wiped it up, it squeaked with cleanliness! :mrgreen:

But tonight I am SO tired! I ate a bowl of keto friendly cereal with HWC and a few pistachios, but I'm too pooped to head back into the kitchen again. So off to bed. I am exhausted. But it's a "GOOD" tired!! :mrgreen:

Honeybera
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