Letting go

[somewhereinbetween]

So I've decided to get some grief counseling, group or individual, and work on REALLY "LETTING GO". And I mean ALL of it!! What good does it do to rehash the past, over and over again? I'm sick of looking at it, dissecting it, trying to rationalize it, and analyzing it repeatedly, ad nauseum! I need to get on with my own life, doing my OWN thing, without guilt or looking back to see if it's "ok".

May we all do this. Whatever it takes. So glad to hear that you are feeling better. You are an inspiration. With all you have gone through and are going through. Still finding the bright side of it all. I havent had time to read all the way through but you are amazing.

[coconuts]

Aww glad i brought you some happiness. Im not around quite as much with work starting back up and well my brain going to shambles. But I'm trying to check in sometimes.

It sounds like you have accomplished so much with your life despite the hardships and injustices thrown at you. And despite those who tried to hold you back. You deserve to be proud of yourself. Kiss your brain is what i tell my students. You definitely can kiss your brain.

As for the to do list. Remember, it will get done. Just one step every day is all you need and 3rhe weather and the fires certainly have not been helpful. Hoping more comfortable weather comes your way.

Coconuts

[dancingfish]

Aw honeybera. :) Yes, you can do this! It will be okay. :)

Your spirit really is a beacon for others, too. You have so much determination and positive energy, it's catching! I know it's a difficult time right now - the world, and your MD passing - but I'm glad you still have that belief in your own self and know just what you need to do to look after yourself. Here reading along, and listening, and around if you just want to sit for a bit and look out of that lovely WotW of yours. :) (I have a wonderful mental picture of it from all your descriptions here!)

[honeybera]

Wow. Thanks to you guys so much for being there with those wonderfully kind and encouraging words for me. It made me cry to hear them, but they were tears of gratitude, really! It's the first time I've cried since MD passed away. I felt like I had 3 good friends standing around me, protectively telling me uplifting things as I mourned MD's loss. Sometimes it feels so confusing as to exactly what I should feel ("should" being a parenting word) regarding her passing. It's not sunk in yet, nor has my father's passing back in 2011.

Not to be difficult after all your lovely praise of me, but I've been fighting with that old nemesis of mine, THE FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM! It began in 1984 as I recall. It caused me to run to the emergency room several times, believing that I was in the midst of a massive coronary! Back then I had pains running down my left arm, chest pains, and that terrifying feeling that my end was near in the middle of my chest. They would check me out thoroughly and then let me know that I was "fine" and would send me home to my subsidized apt. in the projects where I'd lived by this time for about 5 yrs. Once I got the drift that I WAS ok when this overwhelming feeling came and that this was just another episode of a panic attack/anxiety, I taught myself how to relax with Meditation and relaxation techniques pamphlets that were available to me in those days, pre-Internet. I also realized that I just needed self-reassurance, so I'd lay on the couch and stroke my own cheek and breathe quietly, thinking to myself, "You're alright...You're alright..." Then I'd concentrate on my breathing and tighten and relax my muscles, starting at my feet and working upward. If I hadn't fallen asleep by the time I got to my face and head/scalp, I'd picture a warm beach with gently lapping waves with the sun shining...and...ZZzzzz!! And it worked every time! Eventually the panic attacks and anxiety went away...until lately.

But HECK, look at all that's going on!! Tonight I went out into my backyard an hour before sundown to water my thirsty plants and noticed a bright ORANGE sky with a HUGE moon-like sun, also brightly orange due to the smoke from the wildfires burning all around us, hanging there just above my neighbor's trees, setting slowly. It was such a site that I got my phone and took a picture of it, but it's a stressful situation, too. I am safe, but the sky shows me of other's suffering and loss. VERY unpleasant!

And the political situation is horrible and frightening, too. 'Nuff said.

Oh! And the COVID-19 PANDEMIC! That keeps me on lock down, especially in my home state. Good grief!

Also, MD, my abuser, did pass away just last week. I know logically that it happened, but it still doesn't seem real. I may yet need that peaceful beach with lapping waves, sun shining, and a swaying palm tree again whenever it does hit me that that part of my life is OVER. So I've decided that on Sunday, because the temps will begin to come down on that day and REMAIN down for the year ahead until next July (THANK GOD!!), I will begin to work in earnest on my backyard and my view of the birds at my WOW, planting small trumpet flowering evergreen trees with petunias spilling over the SmartPot underneath (all hummer loving flowers), placed in the hottest spots in the yard (like in July/Aug: 100ºF-110ºF everyday!), in a flurry of contrasting colors. The birds and I can all appreciate such a setup. It will be ok to do then; no more smoke or negative health/breathing problems. No judgement, no pressure from anyone...INCLUDING ME! Most important: I need to find the pleasure in doing my work. I need to give myself the praise for a job well done without fear. She can't come back. She can't hurt me with a cruel word unless I resurrect her myself, and I'll be damned if I'm going to do that!

The sense of impending doom is still there, but is so much less than it was in 1984. And I recognize it for what it is: self inflicted. However, if I can resurrect those thoughts, I can also suppress those thoughts. They're only thoughts and they're in MY head, so I'm the one in charge of them and I'm the one responsible for them being there (NOW, of course - not when I was little). That's a really good position to be in. May God bless MD. May she rest in peace...and I truly mean that in my heart. However, nothing cheers me up like seeing a tiny hummingbird flitting and darting around a choice of nectar-rich blossoms out in the yard and getting its fill. Or be sitting in my bedroom while something Keto is baking in the oven and catching the first whiff of it, ready to be taken out and devoured. So that is what I'm going to try to concentrate on as life unfolds around me. There is such POWER in that!!! Life is good. ♥♥ And there's always that distant quiet beach...

I am so grateful that you all wrote to me!! That SO lifted my spirits!! {{{{{HUGE HUG with THANKS for all of you!!}}}}} I need me some dinner now to end my 25 hr. fast today. I love me some KETO! Hardly ever hungry, but now I am.

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Wow your being so insightful and proactive in deciding to be in charge of your own mood and thoughts. Finding things to do to bring you joy. Especially wjth the temps droping to reasonable/tolerable levels.
Sounds like you have a plan and tools in your pocket to pull out as you need. Yay you.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Wow your being so insightful and proactive in deciding to be in charge of your own mood and thoughts.

Hi my dear coconuts! It's no surprise. I've been trying to figure out the unfathomable mystery of my life for the last 50-some yrs. of my life. TBH, it's been even longer. I always blamed myself because MD told me to and that it was really all my fault and, when told to, my father dutifully backed her up, so I simply accepted that and blamed myself. It really got to be a habit. But no more!

I'm glad that I wrote all this out on this thread. I needed to "tell someone". Heck, I've written an entire book on here, but it's more or less released now, which I'm eternally grateful for!!!! Whenever I even begin to go through those ancient old anxiety/panic attacks due to this trigger or that, I recognize them and put a quick STOP to them...AND I have the Internet now!! And Dr. Les Carter (online anytime I want and FREE), his soothing voice sharing another aspect of MD's narcissism and letting me know that I'm really not to blame for her narcissism or even her blaming me. I just happened to be always on the scene and handy.

I know that she cannot "change" or fix herself up for the better, especially now, but not even when she was alive. It would have begun the violent shaking of her facade, her false and "lesser" self image would have risked being exposed, so she'd turn to her flying monkeys for reassurance instead. It's a relief that she's gone (and godspeed), but there's a sadness, too. She really missed having a good friend and daughter in me, but instead saw me as much more valuable to her as her personal whipping boy and cementing her role as the one who was "better than". What a bloody shame!!!

UGH! How did I get on this?? MOVING ON...!!!

Finding things to do to bring you joy.

I got some of my new petunias delivered today! They're called Supertunias Limoncello, put out by Proven Winners (Lowe's, Home Depot) - a VERY light, nearly white, lemony color. SO PRETTY!! And they've already got TONS of the little "bells" or "trumpets" that my hummers LOVE! They're going outside tomorrow morning into the brightest sunshine I can find out there AND given a generous drink of water. I gave them some water tonight in my bathroom and let them rest in there.

I know where I'm going to set ALL my new plants for the moment. The area is already weed free, but I'm taking about a ½ bale of straw and lay it down about 3" thick out there so no weeds come up at all. The hummers can find all of the new plants when they're out there in the sunshine and not right in the heavy shade (like they are now) and up close to my shade-producing house and WOW. I'll still be able to see them across the yard. I'm also getting a deep purple climber petunia for my trellis(from Burpee's online - on its way! ) and from Home Depot (online):

PROVEN WINNERS
4-Pack, 4.25 in. Grande Supertunia Black Cherry (Petunia) Live Plant, Dark Red Trumpet Flowers with Black Throats [Stunning!!)
4-Pack, 4.25 in. Grande Supertunia Picasso in Purple (Petunia) Live Plant, Purple Flowers with Lime Green Edges [VERY eye-catching! Plant w/yellow Limoncellos!)
(4-Pack) 4.25 in. Grande Supertunia White Flowers Vista Snowdrift (Petunia) Live Plant [Pure WHITE! Plant with the 'Black Cherry' ones!]

These are all low-to-the-ground growing, maybe 12"x24" (H x W), take FULL SUN, and may overwinter with our mild temps. We'll see. Oh! And I got them all with $10 off each one (total: $30 off!!) - I love a good bargain!

The reason I need low to the ground hummer flowers is to fill in my 30 gallon SmartPots PLUS add some hummer flower TREES in the back of the pot, so they give a sort of cascading flowers affect. There are a LOT of that sort of tree over at Annie's Annuals (online)...and they are all VERY unique and GORGEOUS! I'll describe them as I get them. I only hope that they can take the punishing summer heat! The "winters" are a piece of cake! No snow, and not even a hard frost! EVER! I already have several citrus trees and even avocados. We are happy to see rain (when and IF it comes!) and we have fog instead of hurricanes. (That is actually a fact.) Everything is fine with the heat...until July and Aug. and often Sept., like WAY over 100ºF all summer long! All this nonsense ends this Sunday (10/5) and normal temps return in the LOW 90s to UPPER 80s which I can live with easily...and so can my plants.

I just realized that on my side yard under the kitchen windows is an east-facing fence! In there right now is a HUMONGOUS red salvia COVERING the full 7' of space that runs along the entire 100' length of my house, and a spontaneous Rose of Sharon tree that grew all by itself just under my kitchen windows (I just found out that it's a Red Heart variety, white with a red throat!! SO pretty!). I can try to prune the Rose of Sharon tree (once the leaves fall off) in an attempt to fashion the trunk into a more tree-like appearance and also prune the salvia WAY BACK down nearly to the ground! Then I can use the entire fence as a sun break for more delicate plants. This should be FUN! My mind is buzzing...and I'm a-thinkin'! "What to plant? What to plant??"

Sounds like you have a plan and tools in your pocket to pull out as you need. Yay you.

Yep! Very true! OMG, it's 1:45 am AGAIN! I need to get to bed! I hope all of you are doing fine. We are doing fine here.

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Ooh so many interesting and pretty plants. I am sure they will look lovely. And they have a long time ti get good and hearty and settled in before the. summer heat of next year strikes. Hopefully they are set and you can nuture them thru the harsh summer with plenty of water. What a spectacular display.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Ooh so many interesting and pretty plants. I am sure they will look lovely. And they have a long time ti get good and hearty and settled in before the. summer heat of next year strikes. Hopefully they are set and you can nuture them thru the harsh summer with plenty of water. What a spectacular display.

Coconuts

Hey Dear coconuts! ♥♥♥ The plants (so far) are indeed lovely. Last night I finished taking off all the packaging that they came in and gently picked off all the dead/dying plant material. Now they are ready to be placed into the backyard, and as I sit here at my WOW and my computer (what a lovely combo!), I can see exactly where I'm going to temporarily place them. We get Keto ice cream delivered here (yes, I said ice cream is shipped to us from out of state in dry ice! ) and it comes in these really nice sturdy styrofoam "ice chests" with lids. They're really too nice to throw away. I have several of them and I'm going to reuse them as planter stands for as long as they hold up. When they don't anymore and/or begin to shred, out that one goes to the trash and I'll grab another one.

My WOW faces due north and since I have been sitting here during the last 6 yrs. of my retirement and observing, I can see the months pass by the shadows made on the fence and where the sun is during that time. It's almost like a sun dial. Right now the sun is only right up against the fence and about 2 ft. or so into the yard with the rest of the space in the yard being in the shade from my house. This is in early Oct. After mid- to late Nov. the sun will be completely GONE from this side of the yard and stay that way until Feb 1st with an occasional very light frost. Then the sun begins to creep back in, day by day becoming more sunny. By July, it's ALL SUN right up to 18" of shade near my WOW and HOT!!

So the petunias, naturally thriving on HEAT, will go over by the raised beds initially (with sun all winter and summer) and I'll try to overwinter them there. In fact, ALL the perennial plants will be in that area, too (except for shade-loving plants). The shade-lovers will be near my WOW so I can see them and the hummingbirds. Our winter season is so mild (rarely dipping below 32ºF) that the hummers will stick around here all the time year round if fed, and I certainly anticipate feeding them and to do it naturally with winter- and/or summer-blooming plants. I LOVE MY HUMMERS! And the plants to feed them year-round are on their way soon!

[Aside! I have a ♥hummer♥ right now out there on my Black and Blue salvias right now, distracting me! SO DARNED CUTE!! ]

I'm also getting hummingbird-feeding, flowering, interesting TREES. Some may be tall enough to block the over-the-fence stare of my back-fence neighbor's upstairs window! YAY! Oh, AND feed the hummers! AND they are all evergreen AND can be used in a LARGE pot, like a 30 gallon SmartPot, which I already have a bazillion of!! I also have plenty of potting soil AND manure AND a myriad of fertilizers/soil enhancements, AND AND AND!!! All I need to do is put it all together from now until Spring, sit back, and admire it all! The petunias are for contrasting colors in the bottom of the pots. (If they crap out before the Spring, I'll just replace them.)

I also have to prune my fruit trees for the first time EVER. I have all the tools to do so. (Let me explain the first one first.) Before I use my MIGHTY AND POWERFUL handheld reciprocal saw, I'd like someone there to OBSERVE (like DS) so I don't lop something precious to me OFF! Oh, AND to hold up the HUGE TOWERING suckers from my Eureka lemon tree as I cut them and guide them to a safe spot in a safe manner. Hard to do when doing the cutting! In fact, there are TWO of these overgrown "suckers", each maybe 15' tall by this time. They are killing my tree, sucking the life out of it! I need to get brave, grab my reciprocal saw with the wood bit in it along with DS to observe and hold the branch as it falls, and then I'll use my saw to cut up the trash. I hope it doesn't kill the tree to do such an "operation" on it. It is my fault that it's in such bad shape. I should have done this to the suckers when I first spotted them years ago. But better late than never...even years later. The tree wants to grow properly, but it does need my help...and I'm sort of scared to use that monster of a tool, BUT I CAN DO IT! So as soon as DS can stop working long enough to help me AND the skies clear of the choking smoke-filled gray-blue skies (both of which occur this Wed. YAY!), I will begin the HUGE job of tree pruning/trimming/shaping ALL my backyard trees. I've never done this before!! But ONE TREE AT A TIME is all I need to do, and that Eureka lemon is FIRST!! [My timidity in doing this is really an issue of lack of confidence. I should be able to do it just fine! I've studied it enough!!]

Wow. It's 5:30 pm here! I need to go load the dishwasher, make dinner, mop the kitchen floor, and get my clothes out of the dryer. BUSY, BUSY!! I can't tell you how much it means to me (a mandatory shut-in right now) to share all of this with you!!

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Ah i use to be much more adventurous to try semi dangerous things. I have pictures of me tackling the world. Im much more cautious and fearful now. Afraid of a consequence I dont want live with.
My husband was out cutting wood. He reminded me how i used to hold the big chunks while he used the chainsaw right next to me. What! I dont remember being that brave/foolish...lol. Now I have 4 teenage boys. My husband bought a 2nd chainsaw and put the 17year old to work running a second one so 2 can be going at a time. Im glad i dont go with them. Im not sure i could handle it. Id probably be a wreck wondering who was about to cut off a limb that did not belong to a tree.
Point is, definitely wait for your son to be around. Falling branches and sharp tools and all that. Just better to have a second person around.
Where your summers are so harsh it is good your yard is on the north side. Saves it at least some of the surrounding months heat. Luckily the north side of my house is a side we dont use. Our old house the north side was the front door. Which means we had an ice rink to navigate constantly in the winter. Until we gave up and installed a door on the east side and started parking there.
My back yard here faces east and i have a deck off my master bedroom that looks east. Its a lovely view of rhe mountains ( when the skies arent smokey) and sits higher than any buildings so nothing obstructs that view. Now if i just had the gumption to wake up early i could sit on my deck and watch the sunrise. Im more of a night person though. Anyways we have a number of trees that bear copious amounts of fruit. This year the birds at all our aprocots though. Every last one before they even turned yellow. They were nice enough to leave the pits for us to clean up though. Someone who claims to know something says that the mountains were so dry that the birds all came down to the valley for food. Makes aense I guess. Weve never had them steal all our fruit. Last year im betting we had 10s of thousands of aricots. Way more than we could handle. This year. Not a one survived those birds.

At any rate we have a large apricot treee that has huge shading branches. I have a swing set up under there and I love to just sit there and enjoy the shade. Only trouble is that spring before last we had one of those super wet snowfall that broke branches all over town. (Wet snow after leaves have already grown). And one branch broke right off that tree leaving this masive gap of shade as well as a funky shape. Its a fun tree though. Aside from the fruit and the shade its also the perfect climbing tree for the kids. My 7 year climbs right out as far down the branches as he can and calls out to the 8 year old neighbor boy over the fence. Neighbor boy comes and stands on the fence and shouts back. Sometimes he will just stand there shouting to see if one of my kids is around. He cant see anyone unless they are in the tree so it makes me laugh.
We also have a plum tree and 2 apple trees in the backyard. Then we have 4 russian olive trees outside our fence by the street which offers some privacy. Since my kids all spend hours upon hours on our trampoline. Along with a few other neighborhood kids. All of that is along the back of the house. And then we have 2 huge pine trees (taller than our 2 story house) and a Elm. The elm is also a big shade tree. Those are out front and we spend very little time there. Though i have big plans for it that I might share with you another time.

Love that you get to nurture humming birds and naturally. How cool to look out your WOW to see such captivating creatures and know that you are bringing them and caring for them. They are quite interesting.

Some fires are being more contained so here is hoping for clear skies for us all soon.
Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hey my dear coconuts! Thanks for the nice long post!

Ah i use to be much more adventurous to try semi dangerous things.

What happened (if I may ask)? If it's not too personal of me to ask...share what you want, but I'm open to hearing, too. 'Nuff said. The worst part of being autistic is the not understanding the "social" part of things. I am like an open book in my personal dealings with people and just "don't get" the more subtle nuances. Forgive me if I seem to pry.

Id probably be a wreck wondering who was about to cut off a limb that did not belong to a tree.

Precisely, YES. My thoughts exactly!

10s of thousands of aricots. Way more than we could handle. This year. Not a one survived those birds.

Wow! I only have one tree of apricots (Blenheim) and one Aprium (Cot-N-Candy - apricot/plum hybrid). Both are just like apricots and WONDERFUL and tasty! Just one drawback: ALL fruits are packed with sugar and I shouldn't be eating any of them on Keto. But my Fuji, which is currently loaded with the sweetest and yummiest apples I've ever tasted, is out there needed picking (soon) and then I'm going to cut it WAY back for the first time ever. It's almost like a bad joke.

Next year for your apricot tree, one question and one recommendation:
Q: What do you do with those tens of thousands of delicious ripe apricots? Freeze them? Dry them? Can them? Or the best way - freeze drying? Or give them as a donation to a church or food bank?

And a recommendation: before Spring (and all those 1000s of apricots become ripe), get yourself some bird nets. Just Google "bird nets" and study how to use them during the harsh winter months. Then toss them over your trees in the early springtime and save your crops (if that's your goal).

My back yard here faces east and i have a deck off my master bedroom that looks east.

Very nice! I can picture it. The sun rising like that can be a sort of an alarm clock (but that can be cured with blackout curtains as needed).

Now if i just had the gumption to wake up early i could sit on my deck and watch the sunrise.

Not gumption. DESIRE + a lawn chair + a warm cuppa something + a heavy bathrobe...ahhh. Nice! Maybe a bird feeder up there, too? My mind wanders...

Though i have big plans for it that I might share with you another time.

It sounds wonderful! Sure, share your plans anytime. It would be like a friend coming over and sharing with me. I'm awfully isolated as it is.

Love that you get to nurture humming birds and naturally. How cool to look out your WOW to see such captivating creatures and know that you are bringing them and caring for them. They are quite interesting.

I had a tiny hummer this morning come right up to my WOW (it's mirrored when viewed from the outside) and hover in mid-air for several minutes within a few inches of my WOW. They think that their reflection is another hummer that is challenging them, so they challenge back. It always makes me smile. Despite their size, hummers are really hostile creatures with one another and they have crazy mid-air fights all the time, and yet even a bumblebee or a dragonfly can actually kill them - and they all feed from the same flowers, bees and hummers and dragonflys! It can get quite interesting out there sometimes. In fact, when I'm out walking around in my backyard, I'll have a hummer buzz right up to me as we stand face to face and within only a couple of feet from my face as it hovers, sizing me up, and then, in a second, zip off! They can literally (in time) become like pets and even eat out of your hand. I find that AMAZING! Fruits and veggies are one thing, but my entertaining hummingbirds and their garden should be right outside my WOW.

And I think I'd like to put some of those already bird-pecked apples that are already on the ground, cut into slices, into the bird feeder right next to my WOW. See how the little sparrows and juncos and even the blue jays like them...

Some fires are being more contained so here is hoping for clear skies for us all soon.

Agreed! I figure that we are blessed just having the occasional fire (and have been missed by them, too!) We do get the smoke from them, but those poor folks in and around New Orleans facing MORE hurricanes again. I can't complain except for the smoke from the fires and the high temps. but the "air quality alert" is due to end on Sunday and the temps drop into the mid-70s to the 80s starting tomorrow! HALLELUJAH!!

My yard is so overgrown that I'm having some real problems not to be overwhelmed by it, like WHERE TO START?! I've sort of decided to grab the weedeater out of the garage and my kneeler (for the goathead weeds) and just begin! Like chip away at it, day by day. I know me. I need to just unlock all the doors, slip on my shoes, hat, and gloves, and just stand out there somewhere...and then I'll think, "Oh! I could/should do THAT!" and then go do it. It's sort of like tricking myself, even though I know I'm doing it!

I'd better get at it. I've got more plants coming by mail in the next couple of weeks and I want to be MUCH MORE READY than I am right now!

Honeybera