Letting go

[honeybera]

Watered the entire yard again. Played with the pups a couple of hours in the morning and a couple more at night in my room. I put Spot in with DS for everyone's safety. You should see the aftermath in my room; it's like a hurricane blew through here! I'll never need a shredder again! Just hand it to the dogs instead.

I have been watching video after video on dogs and training and their peculiar psychologies, especially separation anxiety. I need to spend more time with these pups so they have the best opportunity to develop properly as good, loving, and obedient adult dogs, but with kindness, not hostility. I'm hearing 3-5 min. of "training" time and then 5-10 min. of play time. They responded to that so well! I even taught Boots to "speak" tonight on command! Pretty good! These are incredibly smart dogs, but feisty! Really, REALLY feisty!! Add being puppies on top of that and I've got my hands full!

I also taught Boots to not chew on my garden clogs or leather garden gloves. I did what Cesar Milan does and it worked! After firm, but gentle and calm correction, she barked at my one clog for several minutes (in play stance), but never touched it, and eventually just walked away. Same with the gloves. The hat was draped over a basket on the floor, but she ignored that, too, without any correction needed. I could see that all these things were tempting her, but she still avoided them. GOOD BOOTS!!!

Mittens is just inherently more gentle and less aggressive...well, sort of. In the game of Keep Away, she's as bad as her sister. If there are two of anything, it plain doesn't matter! In fact, if there are say two bones, one for each of them, they'll drop one and play tug of war (and I do mean WAR!) with the other to be the one who "WINS" the prize. My worst trouble with them is that they sometimes take it OUTSIDE into the dog's yard and bark and cry at each other...at 2am, 3am, or 4am!! So I have to close them inside by using the doggie door slab that slides in and blocks their access to the yard until a more decent hour of the morning.

In fact, that's what I'm doing right now. Listening. Waiting. TV off. I hope they just go to bed so that I can as well. All is quiet and well right now...heavy emphasis on the "right now".

===============================(later)

I had to shut the doggie door. Time for bed for all of us. This dog training is a tricky business.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

With the obvious political problems brewing lately, I am moved by the fact that having been retired for the last 7 yrs. and that I have had the opportunity to buy everything that I could possibly want, spoiling myself a little. MD was always "thrifty" and tight with a buck (except for herself). Even at Xmas, she was cruel to me (and later on, to my children) in her "gift-giving". She would use the holidays as ways to "punish" me, maybe with an ugly or frightening doll, which I always rejected and so she would point out to my father that I was "such an ungrateful child" as the grimacing clown face or wildly smiling harlequin dolls would stare at me. Or she'd buy me a record player with ONE record. I'd play it over and over again! I can still sing them, know all the words - in fact, I can hear them in my mind as I write this. Or I'd get ONE Little Golden book (25¢!) to "read" (look at the pictures since I was too little to read) and she'd beat me severely if I even ASKED for her to read it to me. She happily shoved me into school (kindergarten) when I was only 4, anxious to be rid of me. She did dress me well. How I looked was a reflection of her! Otherwise she would have dressed me in rags! It was always about HER, and she made sure that I knew that.

I've also been thinking about the pressure put on her by my father. He used to say to her, "Get the kids ready. I want to go somewhere." and then he'd go sit in the car and blow the horn incessantly at her to hurry us up!! God forbid if he had to come inside the house to "see what is taking so long"! He always did this. Even before my brother was born. MD was so insecure in her marriage and her own self esteem that it was natural to her to take it out on ME. NEVER my brother! Even if he was the one dawdling. Somehow it was all my fault...every time! She had so many little ways of letting me know what a disappointment I was and how faulty my character was.

And then there's TODAY. I just found a promising recipe on how to make a yummy and easy yeast bread where "you'll coat a small sandwich container like this with baking spray, and add the batter to the container". Hm? So I clicked the Amazon link to see what it looked like, and lo, and behold, I have 8 of them already! So YAY!! I am deeply and unapologetically appreciative of what I've been doing after my 25 yrs. of living on the dole, aka The-War-On-Poverty (thanks LBJ!! ) which unbeknownst to me was to send the emotionally wounded me on a wild journey of life in the Projects as a single parent. Years and years later I got my Union bus driving job while still IN the Projects and darned near didn't make it out, but I did. God knows how. But I did!! One month while I transitioned from AFDC to work, we had to live on a mere $200 and my subsidized rent was still $83/mo, so we barely scraped by. At that time, I had 3 adults and 2 children living with me. Only I paid the bills, even on Welfare and while the others worked, but they shared nothing with me. "I only see YOUR name on those bills!" (Please forgive me - I had self esteem issues badly. That would NEVER happen now!!) So sad.

I didn't realize it as I held out my hand for "FREE" money that came every month in the mail on the 1st and the 15th and my monthly food stamps, but all that was a trap. Easy to get into, but almost impossible to get out of. I often worked under-the-table jobs, and sometimes worked regular jobs, but I could see that unless I made an actually decent wage, like a Union wage, and really made a BREAK, a permanent BREAK, with my Enablers (the Welfare system), I was doomed to stay there! To be here in my home is such a blessing! Clutter be damned, I'm glad to be here! Whippy weeds, barking puppies, you name it, I'M GRATEFUL!! And thankfully, I think I'm going to be ok even in the dark times ahead. DS, too. I don't know what is around the corner for us, but I'm hoping that we'll be ok. And I no longer have to buy ANYTHING! I have it already! I AM BLESSED!!!

I reminded DS tonight that even though the Great Depression happened (before my time, but MD was born a mere 6 months before the Stock Mkt. crash of Oct. '29, and look what happened to her!), during the Depression 75% of people were working! 75%!! Granted, 25% were unemployed, but many were employed and were surviving. Having been on the Dole for 25 yrs. of my life and having lived deep in the Projects as a true minority (White), and then having worked at a Union job for the next 25 yrs. and become a homeowner, the latter far exceeds the former!! I have a very unique life experience to many. But I am happy and grateful, too. Happy I could LEAVE that awful situation of abject poverty! Happy that I could pamper myself a bit with kitchenware and gardening tools.

It's 11pm and I've not had my dinner yet. Crispy bacon with fried eggs sounds really good tonight. And an avocado with mayonnaise. I'll do a fat fast. No Rebel tonight and no bread, either. We'll see where this goes...

I LOVE MY LIFE! And I'm HAPPY. Despite MD and all her baloney! I have what I want now. This is good!

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

How inspiring honeybera! You have been through so much but are such a happy, well rounded person today full of hope and joy! I hope I can look back at everything one day, and not be full of so much rage that I have now. Keep up all the good work

[honeybera]

How inspiring honeybera! You have been through so much but are such a happy, well rounded person today full of hope and joy! I hope I can look back at everything one day, and not be full of so much rage that I have now. Keep up all the good work

Thanks Chessgirl! I'm glad that that inspired you. I am happy now, but at one time (in my terrible 20s) I wasn't. In fact, I was suicidal from the age of about 4 until some wise person told me this many years later: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That snapped me out of wanting to escape so much from the anger and pain that I wanted to foolishly end my life. As I look back I can see why I would have felt that way, but I'm SO SO SO glad that I didn't act on it!! I never would have known my children, gotten my life-saving job, gotten myself off the Dole, and become a home owner. Sure there are rough spots occasionally, but there's always a light, always something to strive for, and always something to hope for. That's always been my experience, even in the worst and most hopeless looking of times.

At the same time, I'm incredibly grateful for every blow that my heartless mother gave me, every snide and condescending comment, because she didn't win although all the power was on her side. She held all the winning cards, managed all the money, and when I tried to work at 14, she smirked and said to me, "Your family name is ______! WE don't HAVE to work!!" And yet my ultimate Union job beginning at age 40, challenging as it was, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I LOVED my uniform, masculine as it was, and I was PROUD of my Million Miles Safe Driver's Award and my Commercial Driver's License. Every thing I experienced, as a child and on through my life, only strengthened me. The bitterness and fury/rage eased up once I retired and had some time to ponder my past and finally LET IT GO! isurvive.org has really helped me to do that by giving me a place to write it all out for ALL TO SEE. NO MORE SECRETS!! And it felt good to expose her and what she put me through.

I always thought that to "forgive" someone that I had to ALLOW what she did without question and almost AGREE to it which I never would!! Another thing, to me, I felt that she was going to "get away with it", and that angered me plenty!! But now it stands, like a book, for anyone and everyone to read. It's my story. And I'm proud of myself that I've survived it all and not only merely survived, but THRIVED. I figure it this way, too: I was a stay-at-home mom for nearly 25 yrs. and my kids always had a roof over their heads, had health insurance, and they never missed a meal. We had nourishing food and they had clean clothes to wear. Then I went to work and it got even better. I even home schooled DS and we had the first computer in the Projects. To protect it I had sworn the kids to absolute silence and got a free standing cubicle set up in my living room so no one could see it because our neighborhood was so rough that the minute they found out what we had, our computer would have been GONE! I bought my first piece of furniture, that rolltop computer desk in my storage room blocking everything. $900! HUGE money for me at the time. I took care of my kids to the best of my ability. And we had a car that worked!

MD was a housewife. Period. She had few friends, but eventually got my father to go bowling once a week. She did keep a clean house and make dinner every night. BUT SO DID I. SO DO YOU. Not much to cheer about there. She did have a rough start. BUT SO DID I. SO DID YOU. She was a housewife. Period. That was her whole gig. <BIG YAWN!> Every house she ever lived in was purchased by my father's money, but she was quick to tell you that SHE paid the bills every month. I did the same thing with my surrogate husband (Welfare) but with a LOT less money, yet still the bills were paid. And once I got on my feet, I bought my OWN house!! No one was quicker to blow her own horn than MD. But she did practically NOTHING! That's why I like Dr. Les Carter so darned much. He counsels people who have been at the mercy and control of a narcissist like MD. He explains them patiently and thoroughly in 12-15 min. "sessions" on YouTube videos. He has also been a real godsend in helping me rid myself of a lot of the bitterness and helplessness and even guilt that I felt when dealing with MD. I now understand her a lot more and that truly helps me to cope and heal up, and quit blaming myself, too. It also allows me to accept myself just as I am and that really helps, too. I'm not such a bad old girl.

Dammit, it's 3am again. I need to rest. I'm glad that you find me so positive, happy, well rounded, and full of hope and joy. If I don't give it to myself, though, who on earth else is supposed to give it to me?

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

Hey honeybera,

Your mother sounds a lot like mine who was also a narcissist. I can’t tell you how inspiring and hopeful it is to read about your journey as a mother going to work for the union at 40. Sometimes I worry this is it for me as a SAHM, but I have to remind myself I can do whatever I put my mind to. You are a good example of that! Your family sounds lovely and I bet they adore you. I appreciate you so much here! I would add more but still so sick with hyperemesis and can barely hold my phone up. It’s been tough but it helps to come here and read and know that I can have a lovely life full of joy if I give it to myself!

[honeybera]

Hey honeybera,

Your mother sounds a lot like mine who was also a narcissist. I can’t tell you how inspiring and hopeful it is to read about your journey as a mother going to work for the union at 40. Sometimes I worry this is it for me as a SAHM, but I have to remind myself I can do whatever I put my mind to. You are a good example of that! Your family sounds lovely and I bet they adore you. I appreciate you so much here! I would add more but still so sick with hyperemesis and can barely hold my phone up. It’s been tough but it helps to come here and read and know that I can have a lovely life full of joy if I give it to myself!

OMG, dear Chessgirl!! YOU GET IT!! That is the trick of it all! You simply ignore the naysayers and give to yourself what was denied to you by others (with their own set of problems). And whatever their problems were (and they could be many), it doesn't excuse what happened to YOU.

I hear how sick you feel ATM. Trust me: this too shall pass. One day you will be holding your new baby, your child, looking at him/her tenderly and all this suffering will seem far away.

SAHM. Hm. Been there, done that, with an age range of 3 children each 10 yrs. apart and absolutely not one jot or tittle of family support from ANYONE. "You made your bed, Honey. You lay in it!" That was what I received from everyone...except my dear grandparents. I always had an infant, a school aged, and a teenager to raise due to their 10 yr. age difference. Example: when my oldest son (then 19) graduated with his high school "diploma" from the reform school where he was doing 19 mos. for Burglary, we trudged over half the state to be there: me, DS's dad, DD (then 9) and my new DS, a newborn just a few months old. That stint in jail cured my ODS (oldest DS), the only one of us who's done time, of ever doing anything that would put him back there again, but he was the only one who suffered MD's insanity but through MY hands. When I swung the ironing board at him at 6 yrs. old, I knocked him unconscious, but I thought I'd killed him! Once I knew that he was ok, that's when I called CPS ON MYSELF and in those days, they sent out a wonderful case worker/therapist who met with me often at a park so my hyperactive ODS could play while we talked. It was the beginning of my own healing (1974). If we do nothing to address our own lurking pain and anger, it will be visited to our own families, our own children, by US, and that's why "abuse runs in families". That should read: Abuse runs in families IF IGNORED AND DENIED BY ALL.

On Mother's Day, I received a call from ODS, now a family man, employed for the last several decades in the US Midwest after having TWO college degrees under his belt. We spoke for over 2 hours. I always did love him, but admittedly, he was a real challenge to raise and he was my first child (and only child for 10 yrs., just as I was). I have HUMBLY apologized to him REPEATEDLY for my hideously abusive treatment of him, to which he says, "That's ok, Mom." Well, of course it is NOT "ok", but I love him dearly for the forgiving response. He's in his mid-50s now, is married to a strong-willed disabled woman (and who is up to being married to him ), and is a grandfather to an adorable little girl (MY great-granddaughter!) and father to 4 which are all thriving in one way or another (military, college, employed, etc). So he is also an example of thriving after abuse. With work and determination, we can change what's been handed to us. Your kids are depending on you.

MD never did "break me" as she so often claimed to want to do, but she did "bend me". My hair and clothing is still an issue with me. I'm trying my best (and I really mean that!!!) to lose the weight that I carry almost as some sacrificial guilty duty to my abuse. It IS coming off, but very slowly due to the lifelong dieting/compulsive overeating abuse I've done to my own body, albeit unintentionally.

Healing up is a slow process that never REALLY ends; it just improves to the point where I can now feel satisfaction and joy. If your mother was a true narcissist, she was not concerned as to whether you felt satisfaction and joy or not. She was more than likely concerned with her own satisfaction and joy. That's just the way narcissists are. Oh well. We did not get the "cookie-baking loving mom". But you can be that to your little ones. But DON'T BLINK! They'll be raised and gone before you know it and you'll realize that you are now a great-grandmother. So savor this (barfy) time (easy for ME to say, right?). It all passes in the blink of an eye. Did you check out Dr. Les Carter who deals with and specializes in those living or who have lived with narcissists yet? I'd sure recommend it, but it's up to you. I found that for me it really helps! Google: Dr. Les Carter youtube It's free. What do you have to lose? Begin your trip back to happiness and the understanding of what happened early.

OMG. PUPS ARE BARKING and it's late. Naughty, naughty pups! (They're just playing with each other or puppy fighting over some dumb object. Gotta love 'em! But the neighbors don't care.) So I need to go give them some warm attention and probably a few treats. They're so darned CUTE!!

===================================(AN HOUR LATER)

Ok, all are settled. I tried putting Spot in the crate and letting the pups run loose thru the house at their will getting rid of some of that insane energy. Results? Spot stood the entire time while in the crate. Boots and Mittens (especially Mittens!) barked and whined at her and went into play stance while Spot stared at them and growled deeply...BUT her tail was wagging! So go figure. Dogs! They also ignored their privileged freedom and solely concentrated on poor old Spot, standing defiantly, since after all, she's a Feist, too, even at a bazillion yrs. old! That's my girl!

Harkening back to my Welfare days (which I fear may be upon not only the poor at this time, but all of us), I have decided that when Chicken drumsticks and legs are on sale for 48¢/lb. at my favorite store, I'm going to boil it up as plainly as possible and use it as dog food (it's WAY cheaper!!) AND for our food. I make a mean Chicken and Rice that I'm not sure DS has ever had from my recipe. I'll just part out the meat and freeze it in a Ziploc or Flavor Saver bag for chicken based dishes. The bones and skin all go to the dogs + an entire drumstick or two. Et Voila! Done! They sell them in HUGE 10 lb. bags for $4.80 and DS just brought me home two of them. 20 lbs.OF CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS? OK then. One 10 lb. bag is in my big soup pot right now and I'll have chicken bone broth after it's done, too. Sweet!

Online I found a website called The Farmer's Dog. They sell "healthy dog food". There are also some that sell freeze dried dog food and treats. SUPER EXPENSIVE!!! I have everything here to make this stuff at home. I've been wanting all this survivalist stuff since 1974, but then I was on Welfare, was dirt poor, living behind Grandma's house, and was lucky to have enough $$$$ to go to the Thrift Bakery on Bargain Day (Wednesday) and load up on Hostess hand held pies 10/$1 or even better 20/$1!! Woo hoo!! I began gardening then, too.

Anyway, the soup is on, boiling away (smells great!). No onion, no garlic (bad for the dogs), just a bit of salt. For our portions, I can always add spices, herbs, etc. later. We'll see how this works out. There is supposed to be a shortage and/or inflation on chicken and pork, so I'm trying to get creative here (like freeze or freeze dry lots of BONE-IN Sirloin pork chops - MY FAVORITES!! - 88¢/lb!!) and yet give my dogs the best. I AM EXPERIENCED in doing this, but with my kids decades ago! I remember Jimmie Carter, gas lines (odd and even license plate days when gas was available and limits on how many gallons you could get), 18% interest to buy a house (which was only a pipe dream for me then), food/meat and toilet paper shortages (empty grocery store shelves!), and free community college. I went to college at that time. So odd to see it all happen like this. Deja vu all over again.

The reason I got my freeze dryer over a year ago is that if I have an abundance or leftovers from the garden or the favorite store's incredible sales, I can just pop them into the freeze dryer and PRESTO! They come out ready to store for up to 25 yrs. That includes the pork chops, even raw. No more wasted food! I now have my 5 gallon buckets with lids, Mylar bags, the oxygen packets, and so on. We just need to get it set up. (Story of my life!)

========================(early Sun. morning)

Fell asleep in my chair...again. Off to bed. My kitchen AND my garden need me out there in the morning. I wish you luck with that Morning Sickness. Poor thing. It must be miserable. How far along are you, if I may ask? Take care...

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

Honeybera,

I have watched some Dr. Les Carter videos before. I just looked him up and was surprised it’s the same guy I’ve watched before. He is super helpful! Just watched one on “why a narcissist has power over you” I love him! Wow I just love hearing about your life. It takes real character to admit that you were once abusive! Your son has turned out great so you did a wonderful job and I’m sure you being honest with yourself and him has something to do with that. I’ve had to admit to my fiancé many times that I’ve been abusive emotionally to him. Man it hurts to admit that. Haven’t luckily reached that point with my daughter but if it does ever happen, I’m prepared to confront the issue not pretend it never happened. That’s the hardest per with my own parents, they say nothing of the sort ever even happened! So cowardly!

Omg how did you know I’ve been craving chicken and rice lol.... I mentioned it in my forum I think. I had to stop keto for a little while as now I’m just trying to eat food I can keep down. It’s been awful... only been able to keep soup, mashed potatoes, apple sauce, some saltines... I’ve lost a ton of weight. I’m hoping by second trimester I’ll be eating all that good stuff again.

Thank you for encouraging me along in this pregnancy... telling me to embrace the “barfy” stage lol... you are so up lifting. Good luck with those pups too. They sound like a handful but so much fun. I used to make homemade dog food in the crockpot. It’s so fun! Wishing I could come sit with you while you fix them their dinners.

[honeybera]

Hey Chessgirl!

I have watched some Dr. Les Carter videos before. I just looked him up and was surprised it’s the same guy I’ve watched before. He is super helpful! Just watched one on “why a narcissist has power over you” I love him!

Yes, so do I! He was the one who helped me realize just what a bum MD was. He also helped me to see that it was SHE who had the problem, not me. I'm glad you watched that. From what I gathered from him, a narcissist has power over you (me) because I allowed it. It took me 70 yrs. to finally come to that conclusion and begin to let go, and am I ever glad that I did. I even thought at the time that I could have had a real confrontation and serious reckoning with her, to show her the errors of her ways. I'm glad that that option was removed from me with her death. What would the point of it been really? Pointless to be sure! No, it was better and more freeing this way. And it gave me peace. Dr. Les Carter would have been proud of that outcome and his influence in it.

Wow I just love hearing about your life. It takes real character to admit that you were once abusive! Your son has turned out great so you did a wonderful job and I’m sure you being honest with yourself and him has something to do with that.

I sure do hope so. I feel so badly about that...and again, just as with me and MD, he didn't have the problem. I did. I really want him to take that fact in and love himself.

That’s the hardest per with my own parents, they say nothing of the sort ever even happened! So cowardly!

Ooh! That triggered an old memory with DS's father. The reason we split up after 5 yrs. was because DS, then almost 3, decided that he wanted Mommy to dress him rather than his father. Then his father, to show the entire household who was boss, beat his little "Mi hijo" (affectionate nickname meaning "my son" in Spanish) half to death right in front of me and my DD, then 12. He held him upside down by one leg and beat him like a punching bag, leaving a distinct hand print bruise on his leg where he'd gripped him so hard. I thought he might kill DS in his rage. But after what seemed like a LONG time, all of a sudden he simply stopped and just handed him to me, I handed DS to my DD and whispered to her to get him out of the house to my neighbor's house quickly for safety. Then I walked the bum the couple of blocks out to the street and his car. I even gave him a kiss goodbye, smiled, and calmly wished him a good day at work...but it was REALLY "GOODBYE"!!! He always said that if I wanted him gone, just say so and he'd go. So I wrote him a brief note to that effect, took my son to his pediatrician so I had a witness to the extensive bruising and to make sure DS was alright, and then all of us went to a battered women's shelter (although I was not the one beaten) where we stayed for a week before returning home.

He called me up some weeks later, I guess to see if I'd cave and let him back in. FAT CHANCE!! But what he said to me just chilled my soul! When I tried to talk about this incident with him, he said almost hypnotically, quietly, dreamily, "But why are you saying these things? You know, IT NEVER HAPPENED!" It almost took my breath away ...and I filed for sole custody ASAP, not even with visitation for him (which rarely happens)...and so he tried to file for the same thing against me (sole custody for HIM). HA! And then I presented my letter from DS's doctor's findings of severe abuse after the beating to the judge, and that was that. Not even visitation for him! But also not even child support. I was standing there in the courtroom in my relatively new bus driver's uniform having come straight from work, so I guess the judge decided that I was MUCH better off without him and would be a better influence on DS and could handle it all without any help from him, even financial...and she was RIGHT!

But the DENIAL! I watched him punch my son with blows like he'd punch a grown man, leaving a purplish-black hand print bruise on his leg where he held him upside down so tightly as he brutalized DS in a wild rage, yet he said that it never happened. I believe that that's called gaslighting. I know it was eerie to hear! Downright creepy! But it's done now. Water under the bridge. However, it is one of the things that outrageous, narcissistic people do: THEY DENY! "It never happened!" or "Oh, how can you SAY that?" or "I'd NEVER do such a thing! Why are you making this up about me?" MD did it, too. They all do! It's typical! And yes, it is VERY cowardly!

Omg how did you know I’ve been craving chicken and rice lol.... I mentioned it in my forum I think. I had to stop keto for a little while as now I’m just trying to eat food I can keep down. It’s been awful... only been able to keep soup, mashed potatoes, apple sauce, some saltines... I’ve lost a ton of weight. I’m hoping by second trimester I’ll be eating all that good stuff again.

You'll lose plenty once the baby is born. Not the time for keto. Besides, it is, by nature, quite (forgive me for even saying it) greasy! But you can get great ideas for later. Like less sugar for your DD, yet have keto waffles for breakfast. I think a nice batch of chicken and rice would be good right now. Do you like brown rice? Either way...

Thank you for encouraging me along in this pregnancy... telling me to embrace the “barfy” stage lol... you are so up lifting.

And you are incredibly easy to please!! I'm very happy to encourage you.

Good luck with those pups too. They sound like a handful but so much fun.

OMG, you're not kidding! I am trying to take them out and give them quality time every day. They need it. But Spot just can't stand them! She's just intolerant! And all they want to do it play with her. NOPE! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! And old Spot is rallying! Even doing puppy play stance, but only with me, and rolling on her back on the carpet to scratch herself (on that bony old spine of hers). She tore up her throw rug "bed" by "digging" the fibers out of it and making my room look like confetti after a big parade, but today I vacuumed it all up and threw away the dilapidated rug, replacing it with a brand new My Pillow dog bed that I had still in the wrapper in the front room, so I brought it into my nicely vacuumed room...and she likes it! She is snoozing on it right now (VERY comfortably)! My crazy pup! But this one she can't shred!! Ha HA!!

Boots and Mittens are finally doing well. They're getting into a routine (thank heavens)! I just made the household a BIG pot of drumsticks which I will part out and freeze some of the meat for later, even chicken and rice for DS. The pups like this "people food" idea very much. And NO MORE YAPPING, at least not late at night. We have a new routine: at around 9 pm, I make sure that they're fed well and not hungry and then have the opportunity to potty outside, and then at about 10 pm, give or take or at the first YAP YAP YAP I hear out there after 10, I bring Boots in and crate her with plenty of things to chew on (treats) + a small dish of water + a fresh potty pad. Mittens seems a bit shy of the crate, but Boots is ok with it. At first, we had to block Mittens from the yard (she still yapped some), but without Boots to play with, she just stays inside except to potty. (What a good girl!) So no more blocked doggie door. DS takes the morning duties and takes Boots out of the crate and places her gently into the pen and out the two pups go for a fun filled day of wrestling with each other. After it's light out, who cares if they yap a little? It's not bad at 10 am, but at 10 pm (or later!), that's a different story. But we've got it handled. They barely even puppy-whine anymore.

I also ordered a TON of their favorite treats today! Those twisted tendon pretzels by k9connoisseur dot com (WILD about them!!!), and from Pupford (dot com) more training treats (freeze dried rabbit is their absolute favorite!) and lots of these square jerky chews in all flavors. Screamingly good reviews. 5 stars all the way, and I can see why. We look like a pet food store ATM with a bit of this and a touch of that, but I'm really finding out what they enjoy the most. I also got them collars with their names and our phone # embroidered on them. They are learning tricks, those smart girls! They come beautifully (like RUN to me when called) ♥♥♥, and they both sit on demand (especially if my fingers smell of rabbit treats) LOL, but Boots will "speak" on demand and both will "wait" for whatever treat I have offered until I say "take it". Oh, and both know their names. Really smart dogs!! "Down" is next.

Whew! I wrote a ton tonight! Time for bed now. OMG, past 3:30am!! Frustrating day (pesky and persistent ANTS in my kitchen! And I let my plants get too dry again...I've got to stop doing that! 5 days this time!), and now it's time to relax. But I finally found out where the ants are coming in and sprayed that spot, plus I watered and gave all my plants a little sip of Kelp and Fish fertilizer tea. I hope they can forgive me (once again) and thrive.

Honeybera

[Chessgirl]

Oh honeybera,

It made me tear up reading about your horrible ex beating your DS! I hate that I had a narcissistic mother growing up and then found myself too many times with narcissistic boyfriends. I applaud you for taking your family and getting out of that situation! How brave! How strong! What a woman you are! I’m just so sorry you have been through so much! You deserve so much love and kindness. Yes it truly is eery how narcissists can deny things that happened. I’ve actually wondered if sometimes they truly do block things out of their memory.

Thank you for telling me it’s ok not to eat keto while pregnant. This sick, I’m happy to get anything down. My appreciation for keto is still there though!

Whew those pups sound like a handful! I love their names and personalities. I do bet they love people food haha! They are lucky to have you as their dog mama!

Nice talking with you! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I find such support and comfort and motivation in your words.

[honeybera]

Hey Chessgirl! I hope you are feeling better today, not so queasy. That must be miserable for you: a combo of horrendous Morning Sickness + a 2 yr. old to chase + a DH and an entire household to deal with! Bless you for your strength and determination to endure, and remember that this too shall pass.

It made me tear up reading about your horrible ex beating your DS! I hate that I had a narcissistic mother growing up and then found myself too many times with narcissistic boyfriends.

It seems to follow, doesn't it? I've been married twice, the last time in 1971. So I've had many BFs over the decades of being single...lordy, too many to count! And each one was narcissistic and self-centered to the MAX! My self esteem was so low that I felt privileged to be honored with their mere presence. It comforted me to just have someone, anyone, there "by my side". It's funny, I was thinking about this the other day: my "friend" once said to me, "You know what? You're in love with love." I pondered that statement for some time and it gave me pause. By this time, I have a very different view of what love means. Enduring love, that is. Infatuation is what I believe my friend was talking about, and of course I enjoyed it, that uplifting and satisfying and terrifyingly overwhelming feeling. When that feeling hits me, I wait...and wait. It will fade. Then when that's gone, I stop and look at the true situation without all the heavy sighs and valentines. Then, and only then, can I see if it's love or something quite different. So many narcissistic boyfriends here, too.

When about to conceive my DD and in a situation of some passion, I said to her soon-to-be father, "Uh...I could get pregnant!", to which he snarled, "I don't care!" and took me. Well, I got pregnant. What I HEARD him say was, "I care so much about you that I don't even care if you get pregnant! I want you to possibly have my baby!!" Uh...that was NOT what he was saying! He did stay until I was 8 months along with her...and then he dumped me! Nice guy. Ran off with his boss's wife. I find it kind of odd that his DD also ran off on me, and now we are estranged. The last time I saw her was when she asked me to show her how to do her nail polish (remember how I went to beauty college in 1964? What a disaster that was!), but I was absolute dynamite at doing nails, facials, and coloring. Revlon wanted me for color as soon as I graduated, but I never did graduate, so...

Looking back, I wonder how I ever survived! But survive I did. Getting my dream job (bus driving! Go figure! ) was such a life saver for me, but such a challenge, too. Mind you, MD was ANGERED by my successes! Each one was like a slap in her face (college graduation, Union job, etc.)! I wasn't being controlled by her and she was losing her power over me; she was inconsequential in my life and nothing bugged her more. She wanted ME to look up in worship to HER! Here I was just trying to keep treading water and taking care of my kids. The following is an example of what I used to feed them (I haven't cooked like this in years!): tonight I took some thoroughly boiled chicken legs (meat), added some bouillon (1t.), some garlic, some onion powder, dried parsley and celery, + S&P, to 2 c. bone broth (from the chicken legs) and added 1 c. regular white rice to that in my little rice cooker, gave it a stir, and hit the switch. Within 20 minutes, I had a potful of DINNER! I'd forgotten just how easy that is to do! No substitutions! And it smelled so good cooking that after 3½ yrs. I just couldn't resist: I ate carbs! Lots and lots of carbs! I had about 2 cups of it (1c. x2 - went back for seconds) . I can understand why/how the world eats this way. YUM. This was good old Welfare food at its finest! <BURP!>

But surprisingly, I feel better for having done it. My feet quit hurting and that persistent heavy lump feeling in the middle of my chest has eased and gone away. I won't do it again! But just for tonight, it's ok. I'm back to fasting. And for me, that is good. I have so much weight left to lose. But for you, no. You have this baby to take care of. That's your first priority.

Nice talking with you! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I find such support and comfort and motivation in your words.

Same here! It helps to be so validated. But I've been awake for too long now. Dogs have exhausted me today, but in a very good way. They're quiet now, so I'll be off to sleep in a minute. I'm also preparing for the possible economic disasters ahead. I hear so many negative things on TV, but having lived through all this before with Jimmy Carter in 1974, I'd rather be prepared than surprised...any day! This all has the same smell to it.The Storage Room is becoming a real necessity, not just a chore that I need to get to. Same with the garage. So in that way it's good (motivating). And with the rising costs of homes, my home has really increased in value. We are one of the only "original buyers" in this tract of homes on this street; all the other ones deeply refinanced their homes in 2008 and lost their shirts in 2009. They had their shiny new Cadillac Escalades and Lincoln Navigators all up and down the gardener-landscaped block while I humbly drove my old Ford pickup the 100 mi. to work. But although I came close to "being underwater", I was still ahead by a few hundred dollars on the mortgage, and I still have my house! And it's worth a bundle, and going up up UP! I just need to guarantee that we have food and water and electricity and that the house is still standing. "No crisis here" is what's being said, but I know what I know...and this situation doesn't look good. Better to be prepared than sorry.

And it's time for bed.

Honeybera