Letting go

[honeybera]

I'm awake again. Pain is still there, but not as awe inspiring. I slept like a stone last night. Now it's just there. I'm awake, but not as "woke".

I'm feeling depressed. In 1968, when I was 22, we all went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey at the movies (in the theater) after Xmas presents and dinner which was highly unusual in and of itself. The final scene where Dave, the astronaut, lives the end of his existence and dies in a lavish room TOTALLY ALONE frightened me to death! It seemed to me to be so bleak at the time, and it completely unnerved me! To be that alone at the end of one's life scared me.

And yet, here I am in a very similar situation. My room's furniture is not done in "elegant" French provincial style (MD's favorite style - in fact, my childhood bedroom furniture was done in the same style and I could not touch it nor my spotlessly clean and neatly folded clothing held within that dresser OR ELSE I'd get a VERY serious beating!!!), but is chosen by me in a very dark wood AND with a classical and somewhat ornate design. The only "monolith" is my TV, but it does serve the purpose of substitution quite well. I eat alone at my tiny table in my bedroom (due to A)the pandemic and B) MD's constant ridicule and shaming and mocking behavior during my childhood and the subsequent C-PTSD and shame driven eating habits) set up so I can watch TV as I eat. AND I EAT ALONE!!! Every meal, every day! Maybe with Spot and Dot in with me occasionally. I sometimes give them the bones and gristle from my meals for which they are always thankful.

It's funny. I hadn't really given that verboten "elegant" dresser of my childhood and my equally verboten closet much thought as instruments of mental and emotional abuse in quite some time. The internet is a wondrous thing, isn't it?

=======================================(several days have passed!)

Hey coconuts!! <-----BIG SMILE for you!

AND SYMPATHY!!

Funny enough Ive been battling back pain the last few weeks.

Oh man oh man!! "I feel your pain!!" I almost put a smile there, but this is no laughing matter!! My intense pain blessedly has diminished with incredible speed!! Right now I'm doing my laundry and all my bedding since I finally can and my collards are soaking in the kitchen awaiting my thorough rinsing and then the blade. I can't wait until Walmart has the 2 lb. bagged ones already nicely chopped up. But until they do I'm happily doing it the old fashioned way. Besides, it's good to learn new things.

I have been giving my reluctance some real thought and I may have an answer. It may be a Fear of Failure (and hence rejection/abandonment). Most of these things I'm doing I have never done before...and what (God forbid!) I should make a mistake or worse yet RUIN SOMETHING??? Having faced this possibility, it may be why I feel the urge to do something, even BUYING all that I need, but then avoiding the project. It's really confusing, but when I place the Fear of Failure/Rejection/Abandonment pattern on top of these feelings they tend to make a lot more sense. It also tends to stop me cold from completing things and that ain't good!

Back in 1984 I used to get panic attacks REALLY BADLY! Out of the blue and for no apparent reason, I'd get that old "feeling of impending doom", pains down my left arm, tachycardia (rapid heart beating), SOB (shortness of breath)...and I KNEW that I was having a heart attack and about to die, so off to the Emergency Room I would go. They would do an EKG on me and tell me that I was just fine. And I was! I was also told by many a T that I had to take meds like Xanax and Valium to get over these dreadful panic attacks, but I wanted to do it without drugs. There wasn't the internet back then, but somehow (I don't remember how) I found a method of relaxation by tensing and releasing each set of my muscles starting at my feet and then calming visualization, mediation vs. medication, and it worked! It's so commonplace now, but back then it was a miracle!!! Always before this mental exercise, I would literally stroke my own cheek and REASSURE myself that I was ok and NOT having a heart attack or other fatal problem. What the hell did MD do to me mentally and emotionally???

I read Pete Walkers book a few years back when my old T first mentioned C-PTSD. I should go back and refresh my mind. Especially now that i have a better understanding of what i went thru.

I hear you! "Reparenting". It's actually unfair that we innocent victims have to be responsible to heal up ourselves, but better to do that than not to heal at all. I am in the middle of watching a PBS special called Brain Secrets With Dr. Michael that discusses new findings about our brains and "brain plasticity". Amazing stuff! Especially for someone who has just passed the 74 yr. old mark! I do fear the dreaded Alzheimer's and I will work diligently to avoid it. These guys are laying out a plan for keeping the brain young: staying curious and challenging oneself with ideas and projects that delight and interest. Well, oh boy howdy!! They're playing my song! Just hearing about this chance to keep it lively and heal up the brain is getting me up and doing laundry...AND POSSIBLY to plant my Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli out there today in the yard. I also stuck my weedeater outside again, too...so...maybe?? Oh, and try my first keto dish with canned pumpkin, a nice pumpkin bread made by Dot-to-Trot. What wonderful youtube videos she has!! Learning, learning all the time!!!

MD is GONE. But before she did (and without knowing it), she showed me what NOT to do! I had a career, but survived a brutal couple of decades as a welfare recipient SINGLE PARENT while living in a ghetto (or "barrio" in Spanish). We had gangs in there and thugs who would sit out in front on the planters watching who came and who went. We all knew each other. Scary times. We were one of two white families in there out of 168 apts. But while I hated what we had to live with/live in, it did toughen me up. It set me up for driving a transit bus late night and dealing with some of those situations I'd faced already. Even my brutal and highly negative abuse by MD served to make me stronger and taught me how to think my way out of this or that. And I did survive.

MD on the other hand married at 16, had me at 17, and while keeping a very clean house, never took the time to self examine her own pain nor to grow up. She HID. She AVOIDED. She DENIED. And she took it out on me (and others) viciously. In the end, however, DB claims that she had lost her marbles. How often did HE visit her? Who knows and who cares? But I doubt that it was very often and only to balance her checkbook and make sure that she wasn't spending his inheritance. She was well over 200 lbs. when she passed, yet incessantly ate all the candy that she wanted...ALWAYS! (When I was a kid, she used to send me to the grocery store on my bike with a list for groceries AND verbal lists told to me of which HUGE bags of candy to buy, and she'd give me one or two bars and hide the rest. She ate them all.) At the end, she was diabetic. She once told me, "Well, YOU are diabetic! I AM PRE-diabetic!" Competitive to the bitter end.

I'm going to go cut up those collards now. I'll make the Pumpkin Bread tonight. I'll use my stand mixer and it should be a snap. I just need to DO IT, and not just talk about it!! If I could overcome panic attacks with just thought and reassurance (that I could COUNT ON!), then this should be just as doable. No, wait. First the garden: move and fill and fertilize the three 30 gallon tubs over there and STICK THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND BROCCOLI in them, water the whole yard and do a bit of weedeating. I can finish cooking once the sun goes down.

I will come back to report on what I've accomplished. Oh my! I've got a tiny shiny redheaded hummer out there looking over the planters of blooming petunias. And a few bees, too. Yes, this is what's calling me RIGHT NOW.

Honeybera

PS - I planted 4 (count them: FOUR!!!) gorgeous little "Green Gems" Brussels Sprouts in TWO 30 gal. containers!! WHEW! I may go back out and plant the other 2 in the last container, but I have to LIFT UP my composted (by now) organic potting soil and also composted chicken manure and those bags are getting awfully heavy. Each looks like black dirt! YAY! Tomorrow I'll do the broccoli and the weedeating so I'll have somewhere to put the broccoli pots. The broccoli will be in full view of my Window on the World. I do believe that I'll FINISH planting my Brussels Sprouts today. I have about an hour before dark. Planting them is so easy, but getting them a place to be planted is a real challenge! Then I'll come inside and wash my hands (thoroughly!!!) and make my collards and ham hocks. I just don't want to overdo it. I'll make my little "Green Gems" tags tonight, too, and finish my laundry. JUST FOR TODAY, I am doing it!!! I feel better already.

PPS - I DID IT! Planted all 6 of my "Green Gems" Brussels Sprouts in three 30 gal. Smart Pots. And yes, my back is killing me, but I feel that I accomplished something. I also watered the entire yard and filled the dogs water, too. I'm taking a quick break here at the computer. I feel I deserve that, but then laundry right after I clean and cut the collards and put them on to cook. You have no idea just what an accomplishment this is for me!

[coconuts]

Whew you have been one busy lady.

Yay on garden and feeling better and laundry and on keeping up with your keto to help yourself be healthier. I have heard that it can reverse diabetes in some.. even if i doesnt i imagine it with help it. I tried to do keto in mt house once but it was too hard. My family really wants all their sugary world of deliciousness and well, i dont blame them. There is a big group of supremely active and athletic teenagers living here. 4 almost 5 to be exact. All involved in physical activity. On teams and such (though most sports have been cancelled because of pandemic they still are staying active though)
That said Ive been doing very good at avoiding those foods lately. Just not necessarily soda. Its my most recent vice. I have a plan to cut back on it though.

I get the fear of failure. The fear of trying something new and failing. That is thoroughly troubling to me. I dont take criticism well either from outside or inside sources. If i get criticism even in the kindest ways i feel awful. I take it as Im totally worthless and ..... then i spend a day or so telling myself its okay and talking myself down and then i try to fix it.

I had an insanely busy work week here. But this week has nothing extra on the schedule and the following week is even more chill with extras. Which is good, cause in worn out and tired and need a break. I did finally make a bunch if appts Ive been putting off. One for me and some for my kids. For the kids its just cause we have to go out of town (4hrs) to their doctor. But my daughter failed her hearing screening at school and so we are going to do a second screening and make sure. If she fails that then we take the next steps. She said she cant hear stuff sometimes but Im not sure. She seems to hear things fine. Whatever it is, its not significant but i still want to get it checked out. The one for me makes me nervous but Im hoping it goes well and I can chill out and not freak out. Last time i had an appointment with her I had a panic attack. She finally ripped off her mask and just sat there and helped me breathe. She was very wonderful. Thats why im going back to her (last time was my first time with her) and since i need some scripts I cant do telemeds.
Hope your pain keeps going away (mine is slowly fading) and you accomplish the things youd like to. (No pressure )


Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hi there coconuts! Nice to hear from you. You always give me such a boost by your praising. I hope that you're feeling better every day as well. (Yesterday I realized that I just talked and talked about me and never said anything about I hope you're feeling better soon, too, especially after your fall. It's my autism really. Sorry about that. I really do hope that you're in the pink really soon! Doing well with socialization skills ["schmoozing" with other people as my DD puts it] is NOT my forte! In fact, that's the entire autism problem with DS and I. Same with my Dad, too. But again, sorry about that. I really enjoy reading what you write to me and I hope your back feels better soon.)

I hope your daughter does well on her hearing test, too. I'm glad that you're catching it early if she really does need some help with that. I like your idea about taking some time off for you, too. You do so much as a rule.

I'm just taking a break right now due to my back aching. I think I did a bit too much yesterday, but I'm still glad I did. Instead I'm reading up on how/where/pH levels/etc to plant my broccoli as soon as I can get back out there. Weed eating FIRST! Then prep the pots with fresh soil and fertilizers, and then (the EASY part) plant the little broccoli sprouts. I found out yesterday that the Brussels Sprouts need a TON of water, but Bay Leaf trees do NOT! I need to address moving my burgeoning little Bay Leaf (teeny tiny) "tree" to a larger pot and begin to give it some dilute fish emulsion food, too. This diversity of plant life out there is really good for my mind/brain and its plasticity, trying to remember what goes with what and where and how much sun and splitting roots and transplanting...I'll NEVER get bored with this! Like my "Green Gems" Brussels Sprouts? PERFECT for the mild winters and scorching summertime heat here. They tolerate heat best (not ideally, none of them do, but better than all the others), so I have the right ones out there. I'm curious to see how they do.

I did make one commitment today though. As I said, I'm taking a break...FROM...making that Pumpkin Bread! I have all of the dry ingredients in a bowl now (hazelnut flour , sweetener (NOT sugar!), ground Golden flax meal, salt, and baking soda), the eggs and canned pumpkin are on the sideboard waiting, the butter is melted, and my walnuts are nicely toasted. I just need to dump them into my stand mixer...et voila! PUMPKIN BREAD! Unfortunately, yesterday I completely forgot I wasn't in my 20s anymore doing all that HEAVY work at once and now I'm stiff and need to rest. But I can still make the Pumpkin Bread! And the broccoli won't plant itself nor weed eat nor move all those heavy tubs and/or bags of soil/fert. It'll still be there tomorrow or even the next day, and so will I. But today my back and neck are tender and sore and my feet are cramping up and I'm screaming in pain every so often, so I figure if I'm able to stand and make a Pumpkin Bread, then that's what I should do...TODAY.

I'd better get back to the kitchen. DS is at work right now, but when he comes home I'd like the house to smell of fresh baking spicy Pumpkin Bread! Give him a big slice. I hope it comes out wonderful OR that I can tweak the recipe so that it does. The recipe is easy enough. I didn't "make my own" pumpkin spice as suggested, but just used a VERY nice pumpkin spice that I use in my Pumpkin Spiced Bulletproof coffee most mornings. Ooh, I could make that, add some collagen, froth it all up, and have a slice of my Pumpkin Bread spread with lightly sweetened whipped cream cheese on top of it. You know that sounds good! Oh, my collards and ham hocks turned out GREAT! I don't seem to be able to destroy that dish! It is SOOOOO GOOD!!! Needs some keto corn bread though. Or keto biscuits. I'm going to package the collards in these 1 cup soup containers I just got and freeze them, then once frozen, plop the frozen soup into a large Ziploc and store them that way so I can have soup whenever I want it, once it comes right out of the microwave! What a world we live in today!

Off to the kitchen with me!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! And man oh man, does my kitchen smell good!!! That's Pumpkin Bread with Toasted Walnuts! I will be making this again! It's not that difficult to make, either.

It still has about 40-50 min. to go. I used to cook like this (homemade stuff) when I was on Welfare. My kids ate very well! But then I had the time to do it. More time than money, so to speak. Once I got my job, I had no time left to do this sort of cooking. Now I have time and money! AND the internet! This is the first time I'm EVER opening a can of pumpkin and using it. We love pumpkin, especially pumpkin pie, so we'd just buy them at Costco. Easy peasy (except for the long lines). I've seen so many Atkins and keto recipes using pumpkin, but I had never opened a can.

At Thanksgiving, I was NOT ALLOWED to participate in the dinner. I sat down at the table and ate. That was it. I wasn't even allowed to clear the table afterwards. Not to serve anything, nor to set the table. "Oh, that's alright, Honey. I've got it. You just sit down over there." So I learned to not help: not bake a pie, not to do anything to help (read: PARTICIPATE), not even help PAY for the dinner once I could afford to do so. So just opening a can of pumpkin puree was a real deal for me. I'm glad I did it. It's turning out very well - so far. I've got to go put a "tent" on it so it won't burn on top. I just wanted to say: "I DID IT!!!" - AND it smells SO GOOD! I can smell it even in here in my room!

Oh, and in my big freezer right now are two lidded silicone trays with four 1 cup compartments in each one. One has Broccoli-Bacon-Cheese soup in it and the other now has my Collards with Ham Hocks. What a homebody I am!! I feel like freakin' Martha Stewart!!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Today's goals:
- Doing my pills (putting them in their pill caddy)
- Beginning at noon-ish (60ºF + 4 hrs. until dark):
1. Weedeating
2. Pulling a bale of straw from one side of the yard to the other on the Garden Glide (HEAVY work, but necessary) and MAYBE dispersing it a bit
3. Pulling filled 20-25 gallon Smart Pots already out there over to their desired positions for the broccoli. (Also HEAVY work!)
4. Enhance the soil in them with composted potting soil, fertilizer, and micronutrients; claw it in nicely and stir it up so the soil is loose again.

If I'm not dead on my feet by this time, it'll be time to plant my 6 little broccoli. Like I said, planting is the EASY part! Getting it ready for planting is the real challenge! I've thought this out thoroughly, and each step has to be done in this order. How tall an order is it? We'll see. Like I said, I'm no Spring chicken anymore, but I can do this list. How long it will take me is questionable. I am just not sure. However, encouraging me are the tops of the Brussels Sprouts that I can just see if I look out my WOW and crane my neck around so I can see them. I also believe that once I get the full size bale of straw (with a piggy-backed bag of chicken manure on top) drug across the yard with the Garden Glide (that marvelous and handy invention!!!) that I'll also move the 2 surviving pear trees (in a single CONTAINER, no less! ) over a bit and use some of that sunny area right up against the back fence for the broccoli to grow. All the rest of the yard is in nearly FULL SHADE for the greatest parts of the day, so that constant bit of daily sun is truly a blessing!

BTW, the Pumpkin Bread is a HUGE HIT! Nice and moist and approved by DS and me! In a very small container with a lid, I mixed up some whipped cream cheese and a splash of Torani's Pumpkin Pie SF syrup (sugar free - hey, it's ME, the Keto girl!) and spread a bit of that on top of the warm Pumpkin Bread. The Torani's (or DaVinci's) syrups makes it lightly sweet and I can change the flavor to anything I want. We use that stuff (in ALL the flavors!!) to both sweeten (it has sweetener in it - usually Splenda - so it's ZERO carbs) and to flavor everything from baked goods to flavor in our Soda Stream. DS uses it for that all the time!! And for me, like if I want a banana nut bread (or pumpkin ), I just make a loaf of almond or coconut flour quick bread and flavor it with banana flavoring. It tastes like the real deal, but no sugar was eaten and it's way low in carbs! I plan to TRY to make either quick breads, cookies, cream pies, muffins, or biscuits every day. Just one project a day and freeze what we don't use (except the cream pie since those leftovers get refrigerated).

I'm finding that this is a much happier way to live! I'm getting things done, plus I get to admire that which I've accomplished! It is time to go do my pills (#1!!!) and then go outside and do however much I can today.

[My bluejay is out in the eating bowl slurping up those sunflower seeds! How they love them!! I may plant a couple of sunflowers later in the Spring just for the birds to eat! OH, WHAT AN IDEA!! A SOLID WALL OF SUNFLOWERS PLANTED UP AGAINST THE BACK FENCE - BLOCKING MY NEIGHBORS VIEW INTO MY BACK YARD!! ♥♥♥ P-R-I-V-A-C-Y!!!! AND a real TREAT for my beloved birds, too!]

Oh, I've got to go! I'm going to order some sunflower seeds TONIGHT!!!

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

Oh wow, that sounds super - well done honeybera! I can almost smell that pumpkin bread from here, too.

I love the idea of a whole row of sunflowers, how wonderful. Perfect for the birds too, as you say. Great plan!

Glad to hear some of the aches and pains you had have subsided too, that didn't sound much fun at all. I'm reading along, and wishing you support and care as ever.

[dancingfish]

Hey honeybera, hope your week has been going okay! You've been managing so much for yourself of late, I hope you have some well-deserved R&R built in there too! Take good care now. :)

[coconuts]

Yay honeybera on taking some self care and paying attention your needs and wants.

At our old house we had a big patch of sunflowers. My boss plants 9ft tall sunflowers. They are huge. The heads are like a foot or more wide by the end. We tried to plant sunflowers here at this house last year but no dice. Not sure what we did wrong. I dont know that they got enough water. I mighttry next summer if i happen to be motivated. This summer was a bit low on motivation. But i have plans for a wildflower garden and sunflowers too
Coconuts

[honeybera]

Yay honeybera on taking some self care and paying attention your needs and wants.

Hi coconuts! I'm finding that it's not just self care and paying attention, it's more like I'm just standing there allowing the fact that I have choices that I can make for myself WITHOUT CRITICISM for the first time in my life wash over me like a warm blanket, giving me comfort and giving me confidence in my own choices. This is a new phase of my life and I'm not quite comfortable with that freedom yet. Does that make sense?

MD was a very cruel and determined person. It was her way or the highway. She dominated me and everyone around her to make them lesser and her "better". She did that by controlling EVERYTHING!!! She combed my hair until I was 12 (and even after that, truth be known). I had NO CHOICE in what my hair looked like, SHE did. She laid my clothes out (out of a dresser I could not touch or from the closet that I was NOT to "get into" so it would stay perfect). She chose and bought what clothes I had, and they were nice enough clothes, but she didn't buy them "for me". She bought them for her, so other people would see me and think that she was a good mother/wife/housewife. It always was about her. What a shame. It taught me nothing, however, except to stay out of her way as much as possible and not mess up her house. She even steered my father away from me, constantly reminding him of just how repulsive and disgusting and disappointing I was, making him one of her Flying Monkeys. Once DB was born (when I was 10), there was no need to pretend anymore that I was needed to make up her ideal family as "The Child" and the deep shunning began. Whereas before DB's birth I was barely tolerated, but grudgingly needed, now I was completely ostracized.

The year after DB was born I was bluntly told that the Easter Bunny would not be coming for me anymore. I didn't believe in the Easter Bunny of course, but DB then got ALL the traditional treats and I got a tiny Easter style hat candy box. SHUNNED. MD and my father got the HUGE candy eggs at an upscale candy store here, HUGE chocolate eggs nicely wrapped up in cellophane with a fancy bow on it, Rocky Road, Bordeaux chocolate, really nice candy! And they all ate it and shared it - but NOT with me! I had my tiny hat with a few tiny pieces of candy in it. I flatly told them to keep it! I didn't want it. I wanted everybody to share the TRADITIONAL Easter egg candy together, but MD wouldn't have it! She shamed me in front of my father, told him how selfish I was. "Why are you being such a brat!!?? Your FATHER picked that out especially for YOU!" I never did believe that rot because my father sort of turned and walked away with a very sad and sheepish look on his face as she said that and the whole thing stunk of her narcissistic manipulations. If it WAS "his idea", he knew that he'd been set up once again to be her Flying Monkey and fall guy. She did this constantly! "Oh, she'll LOVE this, don't you think? Let's get it for her!" and he'd go along, only to disappoint me to the core and hurt me horribly, AND if I said anything about it, she'd shame me (and possibly slap me around) for feeling anything and she'd also be able to silence and blame my father at the same time. CHECKMATE! What a nasty game to play on an 11 yr. old kid!

She once sat my father on a baby blanket on the floor and she began to take home movies of my father playing with his new toddler son. I came into the room and wanted to get involved in the family fun, but she made a big fuss about me trying to get into the scene and my father gently brought his arm around and moved me out of the camera's range. Wow. I still have that old movie somewhere. And it still hurts.

And the twins! My best friends when I was a kid. With the remainder of the money from the tomato sales, we all decided to sew dresses alike. We chose a yellow gingham material and a pattern and we went home all excited. We were going to learn how to sew and MD was going to teach us! Well, she did teach them - by making my dress. She showed them how to do a pattern layout - on my dress. She showed them how to cut it out - by cutting out my dress. She showed them how to pin it - by pinning my dress. And the hem! I'll never forget it. She said looking down her nose at me in that disgusted way she had, "Oh for Pete's sake, let ME hem it for you! I can do it 10 times BETTER and 10 times FASTER!!! Now girls, watch how I do this." And she made my damned dress!!! The entire thing! I was "too lame" to make it. I was "too stupid". I was "too LAZY"! Imagine how horrible it would look if I made it!! What would the neighbors think??!! So the twins learned how to sew and I learned how to feel shame and incompetence.

It wasn't long after that that I began my long journey down the path to compulsive overeating. I wonder why. BTW, the twins made all their own school clothes from then on. MD shopped for, chose, and bought all my clothing until I got married at 18. She even CHOSE and bought my ugly BEIGE wedding SUIT (NOT even a wedding dress!!). After that, I wore my husband's clothes because I still didn't "know how" to dress myself, and much, MUCH deeper, how to buy clothes. This was right before my nervous breakdown (read: clinical depression) at 19 when I didn't dress, bathe, or comb my hair (that was turning into dreadlocks and had to be cut off) for a year. Now I just wear my muumuus unless I'm going out (which I never do anymore). My bus driver's uniform was for me one of the biggest perks of the job! I didn't have to choose what to wear. Same thing with my hair: let it grow long and pin it up with a clip for neatness. I wear it like that to this day. AND when I do go out, I wear ONE STYLE of tunic that I have in all different colors, and I wear them with shorts. Year round! PERIOD! With a light sweatshirt if it's winter. She really messed me up mentally.

She did this sort of thing at every opportunity she had and she did it all my life. No choices to be had. It was ALL her way. She'd say to me when I was in high school, "Here's an outfit for you that I found for you while out shopping today." I never liked what she got for me. But if I said so, she'd beat the tar out of me. AND I had to wear it anyway. So I put my "choices" away in a quiet place and never shared what my opinion was. If I really did "something wrong" (even disagreeing with her), she'd cut off my hair with the scissors and make me look weird and force me to go to school. I didn't need bullies. I lived with one!! Because of that, I rarely cut my hair, even now, but I do tie it up and out of the way. She made such a mess of me, and it didn't need to be that way. It's sad, really.

But now I have choices. MD is dead! Literally. G-O-N-E! She can't do any of this crap to me anymore. It only echos in my own mind. I wish I knew how to let it go. I feel I am beginning to. It's just going to take some time. But I'm ok with that. And each day her voice in my head gets more and more quiet as time goes on. I hope she's faring well in death, but I'm sort of glad that she's gone. She wasn't happy here anyway. Terribly sad.

But i have plans for a wildflower garden and sunflowers too

Nice! I love flowers and such in a garden. Those TALL sunflowers sound wonderful!! And they sound big enough to block my neighbor's view. I am having DS run to Home Depot for me since it's right next to his current work venue. Today he got me 15 five gallon pots (food grade) for whatever we need to store from the freeze dryer. The lids and an opener for them will be here shortly after Xmas. I've got those apples out in the garage right now just waiting to be sliced up and freeze dried. It's all starting to move. OH! And my Brussels Sprouts are GROWING! I lost one to whatever is eating or breaking the tops off the plants when they're little, but the rest are doing fine. This is a healthy thing for me to do, both mentally, emotionally, and even physically, especially during all this mandatory isolation. I especially enjoy watching things go from seeds to plants and then to go outdoors and grow and produce. It gives me a satisfaction I can't describe. It's LIFE in these dark times. I don't care if I ever see a Brussels sprout in my fridge or keto dish in reality. I just love to grow them and all the other variety of plants just to see if I can do it. Is that strange?

I am a procrastinator. I'm seeing that. But it's not like a cursing of myself. It's rather just an observation of mine lately. I know it's from the absolute strictest training from birth. I was called lazy from day one, I'm sure, as I was given the bottle laced with phenobarbital and told chemically to SHUT UP THAT CRYING from my frazzled, insane, disappointed 17 yr. old MD. I do wonder why I was put into her hands without any guidance in the first place. Who chose this pairing? God? The Fates? But it's up to me now to change the way I am if I want to...and I DO.

I have decided to put off buying MORE and fresher seeds ATM. I need to clean up my yard first. It's a good move for me. And even if the mattresses are blocking my front room (that I had just cleaned up in Aug. when DS then placed the 3 mattresses up against the wall and they haven't moved since), I'm moving the LARGE sized freeze dryer (on a rolling cart) OUT of the foyer and into the family room, its permanent home right next to the kitchen. Then DS can get his still-boxed dining room (and D&D) table out of the box and into the front room (or he can set up the table and the chairs I bought so long ago!), giving me the room and ability to rearrange the family room as I want it to be, a place to do my freeze drying (with long term food storage in those buckets in the old computer room once that desk is moved). Also move my grow lights to a spot against the wall and finally set up the Teeter Hang-Up in there, too, for both of our backs. It's all laid out in my head. I KNOW what I want to do. But I'm 74 and can't move a mattress or box spring by myself. I can't even push the Teeter Hang-Up box by myself. I CAN, however, (I think so anyway) push that super heavy freeze dryer on its cart from the foyer into the front room, into the kitchen, and into the family room beyond where it's area been thoroughly mopped and cleaned - which is today's chore. AND I'd like to plant some peppers from sort of older seeds and see if they come up under the grow lights.

It actually does help to write all this out for me. It really is journalling at its finest. I see "The Procrastinator" as some mighty monster that I have to fight continually, like some horrible Troll that I have to vanquish in a videogame, but on a daily basis. It seems to be a battle between getting things done and gaining satisfaction with myself vs. The Procrastinator winning and me being forced to say in defeat the bitter word "Tomorrow". Or worse yet, accept the even more terrible word: "Never". And then I'm castigated directly into the dreaded Hell of Laziness while MD laughs from the grave, "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

Well, that's bleak! I'd better shower and get busy on that family room! To mop it and make it icky for spiders to make their home in there is the Chore of the Day. Then I'll get DS (to oversee) and I'll push the freeze dryer to its new home. YAY!

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Ha, I could totally picture that like a video game where you have to complete a certain task before you get to the end or else....
Your MD was awful to you for sure and you have become so much more than her, but that treatment has made you climb mountains to overcome things that would be normal difficult for others. I never made my mother happy. She was my stepmother but I considered her my mommy. She had been around since I was 4. At first she showered me with praise and gifts. Pretty dresses and toys and such. And then it stopped. I was always hates by her after that, though I constantly tried and tried to earn her love. She was cruel. One thing she did that totally got to me was "silent treatment" i absolutely cannot stand that now. She would go days completely ignoring me and acting like I wasnt there. It was almost easier to get a smack then deal with that. She did the silent treatment when my fathwr was around more probably because beating the tar out of me was slightly less of an option. But I really hated those silent treatment spurts. She would still punish me, but in ways like I wasnt there. Taking things feom my hands as if she plucked them from thin air (food).
My grandmother is still the big judgemental monster in my way. I try and avoid her but she constantly tries to turn my father away from me. She tells him I dont see her or help her even when I do. She tries to laugh things off as jokes. But they're mean. Like when I was 15 I lived with her while my dad was on westpac sea duty for 6 months. That Christmas she told me I got nothing. Nothing from my dad. Nothing from her. Absolutely nothing. At least in previous years to save face Id gotten a fee things that would later be taken from me or a fe pieces of candy. It was as if Christmas was just another day. At the end of the day she brings out a brown box and says, just kidding, your dad shipped this to you. Then SHE opened the box and handed me the few items in it. Stupid. Just another reason I hate Christmas.
Anyways she was just another person in my life to show me how very worthless I was. Then again this was only a few years after Iet lose the family secret, which I discovered just last year wasnt really a secret anyways. The town all knew.

Anyways making goals and having a vision of what yoh wants done sounds like a wonderful plan for defeating that old nemesis of yours. Even if you dont overcome it every day its great that you do sometimes.

Hopefully it all keeps growing in lovely ways and you can watch it grow and taste its goodness on your plate. I find something exciting watching things grow but also a deep satisfaction in getting to consume something that came about because of the hard work that I put in. Its a solid victory for myself. As if see, I can do something worthwhile. I can accomplish things.

Coconuts