Letting go

[honeybera]

OMG Kokoschka!!!!!!!!!! I am sitting here STUNNED by the news of your poor kitty!!! I'm feeling fine, but how are YOU?? And how is Amy? I believe that "monster" is aptly put for such a greedy person as that dentist! Have they declawed her as well? Oh no, that would be the vet, the one who said that her teeth are just fine. Oh man, this angers me so much. How can we trust when there are such people in the world to do that to a cat? OR ANYONE for that matter?! And all just for some money. I am so sorry both to you and to poor little Amy!

Not to minimize what has happened and is happening to you (every time you look at Amy) , my big news pales by comparison. But since you unselfishly asked (and I thank you for that), those 5 yr. old (and some even older) seeds I just stuck in moldy seeding soil (also yrs. old) to just see what would happen, ALL have come up except the Ozark Giant bell pepper and the Cottage Red marigolds. Nothing yet on those two, but I now have FOUR Nadapeños peppers!! I have FOUR tiny little SunGold tomatoes peeping their heads up through the soil. (I keep dabbing at the soil wherever I see mold beginning and that has kept it at bay.) And FOUR Big Boy tomatoes pushing their backs up in that delicate hump-arc that I love to see just before the first leaves bend upwards out of the dirt to lean towards the grow lights! I even have ONE King of the North pepper! I never had any successfully come up since I've been planting them. And TWO Midnight Dream peppers, my fav!! When I first planted these seeds 5 yrs. ago, NONE of them even attempted to come up, but I think I did the seeding wrong and kept them TOO damp (WET!!) and may have drowned them with "love" (too much water). Well, live and learn.

But I am THRILLED with how this year's seedlings are coming out! I have now purchased new soil for seedlings, and my new pots have arrived. Some are big enough for use with my tiny herb gardens: 9½" across + all have nice little saucers with them. My Cha Cha Chives are on their way right now, lovely chives that don't bolt with flowers, because the "flowers" on these are simply more edible chives! I already have some, but I'm not sure if they survived by overwintering. I'm getting the seeds for dill, parsley (all kinds), basil, sage, and thyme. I already have oregano, rosemary, and chives (?) from last year. And sage is nothing but edible salvia (aka culinary or salvia officinalis).

And my WAGON came today!!! It's BIG, it's GREEN, it has special no-flat tires! And this BIGGER sort of Garden Glide can fit inside of the wagon like a lining, and that lining is already here in my garage. I also bought two new shovels made of aluminum because they are light as a feather (♥and they are!♥) and don't hurt my arthritic hand as much when I'm shoveling stuff. With my new wagon and its lining in place, I can empty a couple of yards of potting soil into it, dump in soil amendments and mix them up, and then WHEEL it around the yard, filling my 30 gallon pots with my new light weight shovels in whatever place the filled SmartPots are to be living in once filled! PLUS MY OLD SEEDS CAME UP! I'm in hog heaven!!

I also found out about RICE HULL MULCH today on a YouTube video. It replaces any moisture retention amendments and "fluffs" the soil up. Now I have to find out where to buy it and for the cheapest and/or best price. I found a gardening center/feed store kind of nearby with a solid 5-star rating who I think has it. I'm calling them up tomorrow. I'll be damned if I'm going to let all this political unrest get me down. I can't stand to hear it anymore, so I'm turning my mind away from it, not watching the TV anymore, and concentrating on the garden and the new life there. WAY more fun than what's going on in Wash DC!!! I think they're ALL nuts!!!

But again, I am SO sorry about poor Amy. That was so uncalled for!! I thought of Amy many times today and what had happened to her, and every time I'd just shake my head in disbelief that a veterinary dentist would do such a thing to a helpless animal!! It's just evil what she did!!!

I hope that you're coping with this as well as you can. {{{{{Kokoschka and Amy}}}}} My thoughts are with you both. Please give her a gentle pet for me.

Honeybera

[Kokoschka]

Honeybera,
Kudos on all that energy and congratulations on the new purchases. I looked up a green no flat tires wagon in google to better get the idea and it looks great!! Sounds like this year is being very gracious with your garden, letting all the seedlings grow and turn into beautiful plants. Wish you a bountiful harvest🌶🫑

Yeah, though politics has always been hell l'd never have thought they'd go that far. l'm not directly affected by what is going on in the US but l feel deeply sorry for president Trump. Hope l'm not trespassing here, if l did l really apologize!!

As for Amy, she just slipped out the door which is my fault... someone else wanted out and l wasn't really careful enough. She's been inside since Saturday last week which is like a year in a cat's life l guess. Luckily l'd fed her and given her a pain killer syrup before she ran out. Hope she returns soon as she actually likes to be out for lengthy periods of time.

Other than that, both my husband and l developed a mean food allergy (l guess???) and that itching (despite meds) is driving us nuts!!! We haven't changed a thing in our vegan diet so l wonder where this is coming from. Have asked our dr. to give me a call, hope she does.

Honeybera, thanks much for caring and feeling for Amy. She's actually a tricolor - orange, black and white - and not a calico, don't know why l called her that Kokoschka

[honeybera]

Hi Kokoschka - I'm actually getting familiar enough with this to write your name out with correct spelling without looking up how to spell it from previous posts first.

l feel deeply sorry for president Trump. Hope l'm not trespassing here, if l did l really apologize!!

No worries. He is hated by so many. I'm glad that someone feels sorry for him from afar.

I looked up a green no flat tires wagon in google to better get the idea and it looks great!!

I just tried that ^^^^^ and didn't come up with mine.

They show one on the site below under Leonard 3-in-1 Hauler (which is just the liner) but have additional pictures under "IMAGES" under that that show both the liner (Leonard 3-in-1 Hauler) and the wagon itself. This should save my hands and my back while planting for the foreseeable future and allow me much more independence in the coming years. After all, I am a great-grandmother and need a bit of help from time to time and I'm really proud of this newest purchase. For some reason, people are buying up all the seeds they can get and gardening is becoming quite in vogue. Who'da thunk it?

www dot gardenersedge dot com/leonard-3-in-1-hauler/p/GWL45/

I have a new seedling out there this morning! My Horizon (orange) bell pepper decided to join the party! WOW. This is the first time ANY Horizon seeds have sprouted!! I thought they were all duds, but no, not the case! Just the hump of the back is up so far, but even that is amazing to me! Life springs eternal!! It gives me hope.

It's now mid-January and all of my plants (so far) are up except the Ozark Giant and my Cottage marigolds. But my wonderful DS went to Home Depot for me and got my order for seven 8 qt. bags of Miracle Grow seedling soil, so guess who's going to be planting a BUNCH of things tonight?!

thanks much for caring and feeling for Amy. She's actually a tricolor - orange, black and white

Well she sounds lovely. And I hope she comes back soon. I'll send up an agnostic's prayer for her safe return. No kitty deserves what she's been through!!

I need to get busy now. I have so much to do today! All good. But all necessary, too.

Honeybera

[coconuts]

Honeybera, just popping in to say hello. Youve been busy with that beautiful garden of yours. Sounds like things are looking good for it. Hopefully the critters stay away from your plants. The cart sounds very useful. Some tools are definitely worth their weight in gold. No regrets.
Funny i was reading something the other day and it started talking about humming birds and I thought of you.

Kokoschka, your poor kitty. I bet your Amy is feeling confused and angry with no teeth left. How awful that would be.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hey coconuts! I always love to hear from you! ♥♥♥ But first off I need to share:

I have of late (since MD's passing) begun to be triggered by the oddest things, like this ad on TV today for Legal Zoom. All it shows is a close up of this lady and a baby as she holds it lovingly and cuddles it and coos to it. I guess that tender scenario was meant to draw one's attention to the eventual "Legal Zoom" logo, and it did (great ad!), but I was suddenly and starkly aware of how unlike that was to my childhood with the then-disappointed and feeling-betrayed 17 yr. old adopted MD. I was NOT the prize she had hoped for with me, the anchor baby. That closeness and motherly acceptance was NOT available for me. I was despised from day one and blamed for it accordingly. As I watched that commercial, I wondered how nice it would've been to have had that sort of thing even occasionally. Even with an actress and a baby in an ad on TV, it looked wonderful and comforting!! <heavy sigh>

I really got robbed of that. I guess like so many on here. Even knowing the why's and wherefore's of the cesspool of MD's mind, sadly, I really missed a lot. Thank God for my (adoptive) grandparents who were THRILLED to have me come along! They had had a son, but he tragically was stillborn, so they much later adopted MD and my aunt M, and I came along 11 years later. (MD dropped out of high school to marry my father at a mere 16 yrs. old. He was a WWII Navy veteran aged 23. I came 14 months later. One of the first of the "Boomers".) So I got lots and lots of love and even some protection from my grateful grandparents who we lived with in their house until I was 18 months old. Otherwise, I can't imagine how I would've turned out. Then my father built (not "had built", but BUILT!) the little cottage out in the back yard at my grandparent's house, and it stands there to this day. Dear father knew what he was doing and built it strong, but my grandparents paid the bills for the materials. We lived there until I was just 5 yrs. old. Then they bought a tract house, but a nice one with a HUGE backyard bordering a very large creek. In the back yard, we put in a big in-ground swimming pool, but in the "back-back yard" next to the creek, we had a small orchard and a vegetable garden where I continued my love of gardening. (My retired Grandpa got me started when we lived there initially by me following him around like a puppy as he tended a small garden on the side of their house. I watched and learned. )

Last night I watched one of my Dr. Les Carter YouTube videos on narcissists, this one on the Dark Triad (Narcissists Who Are Also Psychopaths: The Dark Triad ...) which is described by the good doctor (T) thusly:

They are known for exhibiting "the dark triad" of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
Dr. Les Carter gives a broad depiction of what to watch for

...and OMG, he DID!! MD fit right in there! How do you stand someone little and utterly powerless on a chair so they sort of seem to be of adult height and scream at her for hours on end (or at least that's what it felt like!), calling her irredeemably ugly, worthless, and disgusting...and then to punctuate it with slaps and use of the weapons at hand (hairbrushes, wire coat hangers, or whatever was at hand)? When no one was looking, I was her "whipping boy" (or girl, actually), completely unaware of what my "crime" was. And no one could see me as I whimpered helplessly. MD had her OWN house now (the cottage) and she had my father build a sturdy fence around the yard so I could NOT escape her anymore and run up to my grandparent's house in desperation and fear, seeking protection of some sort. She put a stop to THAT!

And then I see that ad today. I see the baby held and apparently adored and even revered. And it triggered me! I had to write down my feelings, all these decades later, about what it felt like to never have those tender acceptances lavished on me by my own mother. MD felt abandoned by her own mother. I wonder if she ever equated the two? She very effectively abandoned me, too, in her own way. So very odd how this is all being put on display for me to understand and somehow accept. I guess "triggers" aren't "bad", but merely a puzzle for me to solve, understand, and put away here in a safe place under the lock and key of "forgiveness", not for MD, but for ME.

=============================(so that being said...)

Hi again coconuts!

Honeybera, just popping in to say hello.

You're welcome as always!! ♥

Youve been busy with that beautiful garden of yours. Sounds like things are looking good for it.

Yes, indeed! With my bags of seedling soil, I'll be a busy girl today! (And tomorrow...and the next day...) My fresh new seeds aren't even here yet, but I watched a bunch of YouTube videos last night on "Revitalizing Potting Soil" and found out how to "revitalize" all the SmartPots I have outside that are full of soil already. So I've got two different kinds of soil, one for seeds, one for the transplants, but some of the seeds have sprouted and now I have to ready the SmartPots outside for transplanting into them in a few weeks. And time goes so fast! If I blink my eyes, it'll be April!!

Hopefully the critters stay away from your plants.

Oh boy, howdy! I really agree!! Something is out there and once it hits, my new plants are GONE! It may be rats or snails or slugs. I don't know which, but I suspect the rats. It'll break my heart if I go to all this trouble growing plants from seeds, babying them along, and then some phantom pest out there cuts them all off at the stem overnight. But what else can I do but try and try again? I got some peppermint oil and eucalyptus oil and some cotton balls to soak in these oils and leave around the yard because rats don't like those smells. Let's hope that works. The rats are getting bold and brazen enough to eat the bird seed in the bird bath right outside my WOW whenever I forget to put the (Garden Glide) lid on it. They leap from the ground clear up into the seed for the birds once it gets dark, but when I sit in here I can see those rascals up there munching away. One mere touch of the door handle by me is enough for them to vanish in a flash, but I know they're there. I try to never forget to hoist that Garden Glide "lid", which fits perfectly and snugly to my bird bath, up on top of the bird bath feeder. The next step are rat traps, but those are so inhumane.

The cart sounds very useful. Some tools are definitely worth their weight in gold. No regrets.

DS has the next 3 days OFF WORK, so I'm going to see if he can assemble the wagon part of it. This is by far the biggest wagon/cart sort of thing to wheel around and move heavy things that I've had so far. It's approx. 30in x 46in x 7.5in (nearly 3 ft wide x 4 ft. long!!) - even good for moving those full sized straw bales around the yard! Also big enough to "revitalize" my used potting soil and additives to mix in + put my tools on top for whatever project I'm doing. Yeah, it'll get some use!

Funny i was reading something the other day and it started talking about humming birds and I thought of you.

I'm really glad to be thought of in those terms, coconut! I can think of nothing I'd rather remind people of than hummingbirds! They are the true survivors of the bird world! I have 1 cup of sugar in an 4 cup measuring cup (a 4:1 ratio) awaiting an additional 1 cup of boiling water in the kitchen tonight, but I believe I'll just wait until morning for that chore. Then I will stir the sugar-boiling water combo until it's dissolved to clear and then add another 3 cups of plain clear water, making a full 4 cups of nectar. Then clean out the hummingbird feeders, refill them with the homemade, UNCOLORED "nectar", and hang them up again...for my viewing pleasure and their wintertime sustenance. ♥♥♥ A great deal for all of us!! ♥♥♥

Oh, and they actually DO use those perches to sit on as they eat. It's so darned cute! If there are no perches provided, they will naturally hover, but they PREFER to perch and then eat. I was shocked. I thought they'd always hover, but I was wrong and the hummingbird experts were right! I'm really glad that I got feeders with perches!!! Some have 'em, some don't. How they feed is they first perch and actually SIT there for a second or two, then dip their long bills in, and DRINK! Not for a nervous second, either, but a BIG LONG SWIG! Then they take out their bill, rest for a second, and then go in for one or more LONG SWIGS. Then it's SWISH and away they go! But in 5-15 minutes, they're back again for repeating it all over again. ♥ Love them! ♥

Lots to do tomorrow...so off to bed tonight...

Honeybera

[Kokoschka]

Honeybera l was following you around in that lovely garden your grandpa created, down to the huge backyard, orchard and creek. It must have been wonderful. So happy for you these two people were in your life and gave you their love and care!!

As for my mother cuddling, holding me, god forbid kissing me, niente, nada, zero zilch. Kokoschka

[coconuts]

Ah hard, to look back on the lack we survived. Im so glad that for those first precious 18months you were nurtured by someone. I was my mothers 2nd baby and she was 17 when she had me. So. Yeah. She ran leaving me behind with a father who had no idea what ti do with me. Who was heartbroken and rejected by an abusive upbringing followed by this woman he loved leaving him. I think i was a bitter reminder if his failures. And he literally had no clue what to do with me.

You take such lovely care of your garden and your critters Honeybera. I do hope they flourish beautifully.

Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hey Kokoschka!

Honeybera l was following you around in that lovely garden your grandpa created, down to the huge backyard, orchard and creek. It must have been wonderful. So happy for you these two people were in your life and gave you their love and care!!

Lucky indeed!!! Grandpa did alright, and it was sort of lovely and certainly productive, but it was more for me to equate "garden" with the love and safety I had whenever he was around. As I said, lucky indeed!! Always in the little cottage out back (maybe 30-40 ft. away) was the teenaged MD, waiting until she could get her hands on me again, but also glad to be rid of me. <shudder!!> My Grandma was a CPA and was usually working, but my Grandpa was retired. I was his delight! He let me participate in other things, too, like handing him the matches to light the trash can on fire or hand him the clothes pins when he hung the wash out to dry on the line. He made me feel wanted. He let me ride in the two-wheeled cart when we walked the 3 blocks to the store, but I had to walk back since the groceries had to take my place, and he held my hand proudly as we walked back.

MD told the story once of how I was in my play pen when she came in and saw that I had hold of Grandpa's newspaper and was tearing it up in little pieces. She yelled at my Grandpa, "DADDY!!! STOP HER! She's tearing up YOUR newspaper!!!!" to which he replied, "Well, it IS my newspaper." and allowed me to continue. He always knew how to set her in her place...and without ever raising his voice. My father just caved in to her.

The other garden/mini orchard was when we moved away from my grandparent's place when I was just 5. (I went to Kindergarten at 4.) I went to school all day and my father was self employed and chose to work at in the afternoons and at night, so he and MD had most of the day to themselves. That left me after school with HER! Oftentimes, that garden/orchard was an escape. Again, safety = garden.

As for my mother cuddling, holding me, god forbid kissing me, niente, nada, zero zilch. Kokoschka

Well, not quite the same, but {{{{{{{{{{{{Kokoschka}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <-----BIG HUG FOR Kokoschka!!! You have friends here.

Ah hard, to look back on the lack we survived. Im so glad that for those first precious 18months you were nurtured by someone. I was my mothers 2nd baby and she was 17 when she had me. So. Yeah. She ran leaving me behind with a father who had no idea what ti do with me. Who was heartbroken and rejected by an abusive upbringing followed by this woman he loved leaving him. I think i was a bitter reminder if his failures. And he literally had no clue what to do with me.

Hm, yes, the same with MD. Her oldest sister, my Aunt J, then 21 and already an alcoholic, had had my cousin WM a couple of years earlier and thereby became the Sage of the Family in all things infant care and child rearing. MD followed Auntie's every direction which included NO TOUCHING THE BABY ALLOWED!! Otherwise, the infant/child would become "spoiled". Heaven knows no one would willingly raise a SPOILED CHILD (whatever that meant). So even my bottle was propped and I was fed ON SCHEDULE. No cuddles or being held at all except when my grandparents would sneak in and pick me up. MD, straight out of high school at 16, had no clue what to do with me, either, and neither did my Grandma whose dear little son had died in childbirth. She had no child raising experience, either. So there I was, bottle propped and untouched. Not a great start for either of us, coconuts.

You should see how that sort of treatment affected my female cousin BJ, Aunt J's daughter. She's a type 2 diabetic with screaming blood sugar readings in the multiple hundreds, yet swills down regular Pepsi by the case. She says she's addicted and can't stop, doesn't want to stop. I feel bad for her. It seems that having no love or kindness or respect or cuddling in infancy or very young childhood can cause a person to have a lack of those things for one's self later in life. Add abuse on top of that and we end up sitting on top of a powder keg later on, self induced.

I think i was a bitter reminder if his failures. And he literally had no clue what to do with me.

Same with MD. I was supposed to be the Anchor Baby of the Year, a bouncing baby B-O-Y, a cooing delight to have around and one that caused people to admire her as Mother of the Year. But life and babies just ain't that way. She was thrown into horrible responsibility that she hadn't asked for. I just did NOT fit the movie script of "The Egg and I" with her in the Claudette Colbert role. I was supposed to be secondary and make HER look good! She could still come and go as she pleased with her newlywed hubby. What a rude awakening I must have been! Instead she had a normally fussy baby (probably brought on considerably by her own teenaged angst, inexperience, and narcissism), her hot hubby (my Dad) went to work and left her behind (in her mind: ABANDONMENT??) all because of ME (otherwise, she could've gone with him since he owned the business), and besides, I wasn't even what she'd ordered! Did I remind her by my mere presence of all of those things, crying (DEMANDING!!) to be held, fed, diaper changed, fed again, changed again...and even BATHED!? You bet I did. Evil baby!!

You'd be surprised to learn just how much understanding the narcissist with good ol' Dr. Les Carter has helped me let go of my own guilt and shame around MD. She HAD TO BE top dog!! And I HAD TO BE "less than". If I stepped out of line, she gleefully showed me how to get back to 2nd place in the world, MY place as the underdog. The more I understand "The Narcissist" from Dr. Carter's (my current and only T) wonderful YouTube videos, the more I am able to LET GO of the shame and blame that I had a lifetime of being drowned in!! I don't believe that she meant to be such a pain in my ass, or even a bad mother, but she had been taught how to be this way from early on in her life, and she would have NONE OF THAT EVER AGAIN, even if it killed her (a phrase she often used through gritted teeth). Her blood pressure was often 160/200+ and after my father died, she had a stroke. She lived for 7 yrs. after that, as ornery as she'd ever been, but the only one she wanted was my DB. She eventually even ran me off, but I find that more sad than enraging.

===============================(nearly 11pm!)

My chores for today are done. I'm seeing that there's a lot more work (a LOT more!!!) for me to do because I move at a snail's pace these days. But I've been doing what absolutely needs to be done, like keeping up what I've already done (vacuuming, mopping, organizing, and putting away whatever already has a home) and then taking on another "small manageable task" that I used to just sit and think about doing. And I'm finding that even though it's not up to MD's par for the course, it does work for me. That woman's house was SO CLEAN (and it was to be KEPT that way!!! ) that no one was comfortable living in it. Shoes came off at the door, don't drop or spill ANYTHING on the floor, not a speck of dust in the entire house, but no toys (the few I had) could be out, even in my room and even those she broke or threw away when I was at school. So it's really been a struggle for me to find my own way on doing housework and even get this far. But I'm doing it. One "small manageable task" at a time.

Morning comes early! I'd better get to bed now.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Wow. What a day so far! The hummingbirds have TWO filled feeders out there now. I need to make that necessary chore as simplified and easy as baking bread. Remember how difficult that was for me to master, that Keto Yeast Bread? I'm finding that that inhibited and hesitant way of doing things is the case with anything I am attempting to do (that I'm unfamiliar with). Once I get the hang of it, no problem-o. But until I practice it a time or two, I have a tendency to just sit and THINK about how to do it! I'm neither lazy nor a procrastinator, just a slow (and I mean S-L-O-W!!!) starter. There's a FEAR (and a BIG one!) lurking in there somewhere. Why am I so SHY about doing things? Why so unable to just DO IT!??

Maybe the definition of inhibited may give me a clue:

in·hib·it·ed
unable to act in a relaxed and natural way because of self-consciousness or mental restraint.

Oh my. Well, THAT I can see! Back in the day, MD did her level best to make me feel "less than" so she could feel "better than". Every damned day was a struggle with her!! It doesn't take much to dominate an infant. Nor a small child. Not even a teenager, and by the time I was an adult, I wasn't much of a challenge, either. I was on welfare and living hand to mouth. No education past high school, single mother to my children and (after the first one) born out of wedlock, someone she could REALLY look down her nose at and shame me!! However then I went to college while still living in the projects, graduated with honors, got my good paying Union job driving a transit bus (and earned a One Million Mile Safe Driver Award to boot!), and became a homeowner!! Whoops! I am so nervy!! Don't know my place! Bitch never DID break my spirit which she repeatedly claimed that she wanted to do!!

But she did manage to make me hesitate now. (Dammit!) But that's ok. If I RECOGNIZE it, I can CHANGE it!!! (With effort and true internal self love.) She never could beat me. Maybe physically, yes, but never completely shame me enough to make me quit. Make me quiet? Yes. Make me withdrawn (to an extent)? Absolutely. (It was BY FAR the safest thing to do!) But that did not last forever. She is GONE and I need to just DO what I need to do! Where she went, she can't come back from. The only place her voice remains is IN MY OWN HEAD. And it's up to me to decide whether or not I should listen to it!!!

I need to eat some dinner right now (turkey and gravy...YUM!!). But I also have plants (that I bought LAST AUGUST!!!!!!) to be put into larger pots before they just DIE from being root bound!! You guys praise me for my "lovely garden" and I have to both chuckle and cry. It does have potential, but it's a far cry from "lovely". Boy, is this one UP TO ME!!! Putting it into action will help me in so many ways, physically, mentally, and even spiritually! I am so grateful to you for being there and hanging in there with me as I heal myself up. You are all appreciated!!!!!

So...get dinner, re-pot the rest of today's plants (that are trying their darnedest to survive this terrible treatment they've had up until now) and to do it TODAY, and then fall into bed at a decent hour so I can do more tomorrow! ♥♥♥ LOVE YOU ALL!!! ♥♥♥

Hey, at least I'm not BORED!!!

Honeybera

[Kokoschka]

Honeybera,
You too, like Coconuts, are so full of energy!!
Be proud of yourself for all the things you're doing in the house and garden. So lovely those feeders full of birds munching away. My husband talks often of putting up some little fountain for the cats and for us to enjoy the lovely sound but it would also attract birds and with them kitties not an option

Luckily it's finally raining as it should so l don't have to go out and water the garden. Every single chore is like climbing up a mountain backwards for me. SOOOOOO hard to overcome that bloody chronic sadness and depression, like thousand hands holding me down. I mean, l do function, cooking, cleaning taking care of the cats etc. but it's so bloody hard. Have a good day, Kokoschka