Letting go

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Thu Jan 09, 2020 7:17 am

Still cleaning my garage and doing "errands", like getting my new readers and computer glasses and bifocals and RIDDING my home of many boxes and donatable items. Also keeping kitchen (and others areas) cleaned and kept up so I don't have a HUGE mess wherever I return to to deal with. None of it is "pristine" and looking like an unlived in model home like MD, but it is homey and comfortable and nicely clean at the same time:
I want my home to be clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy. :P
That is MY new rule, NOT MD's! And I like it WAY better!!

The further away from MD's influence I put myself, the better off I am. I guess I am immersing myself in TRUE forgiveness towards her, and that is nothing but healthy for me. I'm 73 and she is 90. I know that she will not change this late in the game. DB is insisting that she's "lost it", but as the Golden Child, he's never really dealt with her and her incredibly potent and conniving narcissism like I have. One of her favorite sayings was:
I'm DUMB alright! DUMB like a FOX!
I'm sure that that hasn't changed for her. She is very intelligent and cagey. Crafty even! Sly! She even enjoys playing Free Cell Solitaire...and WINS! Could she simply pretend that she's "lost it"? Oh hell yes!! But now I'm actually really sorry that she's so darned mean. We have a common history at the very least. But oh well. I have things to do, too, and with her locked up in an Alzheimer's ward (although she has a key to get out and back in...at least for now) - well, she may have just overplayed her hand this time. She let herself out the other day (according to my brother), wheeled herself down to the lobby/dining hall in her Jazzy, and sat there until she fell asleep. Then they had a hard (and scary time) finding her. If that's a game that she's playing, it's a dangerous one. She's right across the parking lot from the Hospice (who my DB has put in charge of her medical care and all prescriptions). OY VEY! Better her than me.

I'm beginning to really VALUE my home and the satisfaction and comfort that it gives me, even with its challenges. She let hers go due to my brother threatening her to not come and visit her if she didn't allow him to sell her house and move her ("temporarily") to this assisted living complex. She caved. My father warned her not to do that when he was dying. That house was paid for! And she had his 100% WWII VA pension/benefits to pay for anything else. How could she be so foolish? And she had my kids (DD & DS) to help her, PLUS some aides and a housekeeping service to boot! Instead she constantly called my brother for EVERYTHING (he lived approx. 30 min away), even the most tiny, petty thing, and he got very sick of it. :roll: Then she began to pit my kids against one another as they waited on her like servants, and even tried to pit them against me (who was 100 miles away working and supporting my family nicely).

===================================

I thought that the Australian fire was "in the outback", but on the news here in the US just now I can see that it's on your east coast instead. I hope you are alright, dear Fleur, and know that I am so sorry about the Billions of wild critters that have suffered through this as well as the human cost. Stay safe, my friend. {{{{{Fleur}}}}}

Honeybera

dancingfish
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Mon Feb 17, 2020 10:56 pm

Hey honeybera, just been wondering how you're doing with your grand sorting out and looking after yourself and all your lovely plants! I have a few bulbs peeking through our cold damp days at the moment - well, apart from the few that were dug up and eaten by something. (Squirrels, I reckon - argh!)

Hope this finds you well, weathering the winter okay, and keeping on with all that you wish to do. :) Best and kindest wishes to you, your doggy companions and your son!

honeybera
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Posts: 911
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Mar 17, 2020 9:06 am

dancingfish wrote:
Mon Feb 17, 2020 10:56 pm
Hey honeybera, just been wondering how you're doing with your grand sorting out and looking after yourself and all your lovely plants! I have a few bulbs peeking through our cold damp days at the moment - well, apart from the few that were dug up and eaten by something. (Squirrels, I reckon - argh!)

Hope this finds you well, weathering the winter okay, and keeping on with all that you wish to do. :) Best and kindest wishes to you, your doggy companions and your son!
Oh dancingfish!! HI!! So nice to see someone on here. I'd rather given up! You're very kind to say hello to me. I really needed this!

I just popped over to see how Fleur is doing, but no word for quite a while from her. I sure hope she is doing well.

I've stayed up all night again. DS is away at one of his conventions (in TX no less!!) and I have to cope up every time he goes to one. But this time he's encouraged me to finally get that freeze dryer from Harvest Right. Oh man, I got the BIG one! In BLACK! :lol: You know me. Plus I just finished ordering a U line cart in RED to go under it and hold the whole shebang, even the oil-free pump! I seem to be getting "freer" (more wild?) in my old age! Good on me! :P It should be here by next week. WOW. Such a treat for me!! One guy even made biscuits and sausage gravy and freeze dried it and said it came out GREAT! I can have that on keto (if it's made right with keto biscuits and sausage gravy without flour).

Still on keto, but I'm realizing that it's more about the fasting than the keto, although keto/LCHF does help keep any hunger away. I'm averaging an OMAD diet (one meal a day) with the help of an amazing Facebook group that follow Dr. Jason Fung (they call themselves "Fungsters" ;)) and this app for my iPhone that keeps track of the hours of fasting for me. It really helps a LOT! My longest fast so far was 113.2 hours! That's nearly 5 days! The next best was for 3 days. It's amazing to me that I just don't get hungry! Not even stomach growling! The hunger just goes away. And my after-fast meals are small, so I have to really be selective as to what I wish to eat because I fill up fast!

I've also forgiven myself (so important!) for the lack of weight loss. I've really studied WHY I cannot seem to do that (although I haven't weighed myself since I started the EF [extended fasting] back in January). The pounds haven't come off in these last couple of years, but I've been truly healing up INSIDE, like no more NAFLD (non-alcoholic fatty liver disease) and no more arthritis, gout, athlete's foot (or other fungus problems), gall bladder problems, kidneys are once again fine, heart is ok...it's just been miraculous! So perhaps I have lost a few pounds by now or maybe even not yet since I only weigh at the doctor's office, but because of my age and relative inactivity and the length of time I've had insulin resistance and other indicators of diabetes (like my entire life!), I'm not surprised that my body has simply been repairing itself rather than dropping pounds. My smaller-looking belly has all kinds of dips and valleys in it now whereas it used to be very rounded and big, so I guess that's progress, not perfection, which is fine in my book. :mrgreen:

You mentioned the garden. All my peppers have come up and are thriving under the grow lights, but the once strong tomatoes withered and died when I tried to add some fertilizer in my old "fert" watering can. I was unaware that the last batch had left some serious sludge on the bottom, or maybe it was the "fert" that I used from last year, but I lost my tomatoes within 15 min. of applying this concoction to them and half of my peppers wilted and died, too! :cry: :roll: But those that survived did so very nicely and will be planted outside soon. Although we'd had little to no rain, we also have no snow or frosts. We're back up to 45ºF (avg.) and record high temps (78º today is forecast) and all the trees are blooming early! :? So I may start "hardening off" those peppers slowly. All veggies will be raised over in the dog's yard in those 30-gallon Smart Pots. I have plenty to do to get that going. The mild weather here is tempting me to just really get going on setting up the new garden.

My ChaCha chives have survived the winter intact and so did the parsley. Not such luck with my strawberries. The weeds got 'em. :cry: My avocado trees look pathetic. The Fuji apple is fine and so are the peaches. The plum is covered in white blossoms and the Aprium in pink ones. And I will be able to harvest my fruits and veggies and make them keep in freeze dried perfection for up to 25 yrs. with my new machine! YAY!! Like I said above, I've ordered it (FINALLY!) and have spent the majority of this weekend finding new things to freeze dry. This should keep me out of the Bingo halls for a while! :lol:

There are some ladies on Facebook that are experimenting on just what this machine will do with whatever. So I'll be over there because I find this sort of thing fascinating. NO MORE LETTING MY CUTE AND TASTY DONUT PEACHES SIT IN MY GARDEN TRUG AND ROT AWAY!! NO MORE SIDEBOARDS HEAPED UP WITH FORMERLY FRESH BUT NOW ROTTING ZUCCHINI AND CAULIFLOWER! I can instead just put it into the freeze dryer and let 'er rip! Pack it away with an Oxygen absorber in a Mason jar or Mylar bag and I'm good to go. I need to learn how to re-hydrate, too.

I also read something online that explained how it is ok to be a "homebody", i.e. a person who just enjoys life while being at home. I'm not depressed, I just like hanging out in my muumuu and gardening and watching my wild birds and tending my garden. As an autistic, that's really ok for me to enjoy. I had to ask myself: "Why am I feeling guilty for not enjoying dressing up and going to a loud, raucous bar?" Heck, I don't even drink! :roll:

==================================(couple of days later)

DS came home last night from out of state. Flew into SFO :? and came home wearing a face mask and coughing! I just told him to wash his hands, hit the hay, and that I'd get him anything he needed. That old COVID-19 is all up and down the US west coast here and is spreading everywhere! We need to be cautious, but every cloud has a silver lining: I'm finding lots of places on Facebook that are just getting into this relatively new freeze drying way of preserving food. I've been wanting to do this ever since living behind my grandmother's house in 1974! Back then we had horrible gas and FOOD shortages! I remember vividly going to the store only to find EMPTY SHELVES. There was but a single dented can of apricots left on a shelf in an otherwise normally packed area. Same in the meat dept. NOTHING! Not a pork chop or a lb. of hamburger, just a sign saying, "Sorry, no meat today". No toilet paper, not a single box of Kleenex, no paper products of any kind. No canned goods at all. In fact, no dry goods either. So eerie! We as a country are spoiled by abundance and to suddenly see that was really frightening. That was shortly before Nixon resigned. What a year! :roll:

That experience was so sobering!! And yet now, even with the looming pandemic, I have hope. I'm just about to scoot off to the store (with my plastic gloves on) to see what meat they have left from this week's sales. Costco and Walmart and even Amazon (online sites) are "out of stock" on so many things, even DS's beloved Costco peanuts! So I'm going to stock up a bit locally. HWC and eggs and meats can all be freeze dried once my machine arrives. Happily! So can veggies and fruits from my garden. I already have Mason jars aplenty and I have those 0xy Absorbers and Mylar bags on their way. And I'm learning HOW to do freeze drying online, on videos, and on Facebook, all of which did not exist in 1974! Heck, even microwave ovens were quite a few years away from being discovered back in '74, as was Xerox (copying machines) or fax machines, and no computers, either. :P Life is so different.

Imagine! MD is stuck at 90 yrs. old in a nursing home with people in and out of there all the time! :roll: Better her than me! There goes all my ideas of going to see her! It's just not worth the risk. I'm better off not going out there, not at this time. If I became ill or died of the flu, it would only make her happy, so no. Not going.

I wonder how the store looks.

========================================March 12th

I never went to the store (thank God!). Instead I found Home Delivery! YAY! I'm really blessed with enjoying my "shut-in" life style which seems to be a very good thing ATM. :lol: NO shame here! :P

My freeze dryer came in, as did the myriad of Mylar bags, Oxygen Absorbers, and Mason Jars. So did the rolling cart that the freeze dryer will sit on (with a dandy shelf underneath for the storage containers). I actually ordered the wrong cart (in red but with a 3" high lip on the top shelf), but we decided to simply use that one in the garage and garden clean up. IT'S PERFECT for that! The other one (in black with a flat top that exactly accommodates the freeze dryer's drain spigot) will be in use by this afternoon when the freeze dryer will be ceremoniously lifted up onto it by a couple of strong men (DS and his friend) since it weighs 140 lbs! - and then I go to work! I already have regular white bread purchased and sitting on my kitchen table ready to be freeze dried and then tossed out. Doing that cleans out the residual "oily smells" and such before we start with food that we will store away. (We don't eat that kind of bread, but it's only to test out the Freeze Dryer, and the wonderful Keto bread I make is WAY too expensive to waste like that!)

We are ready to seclude me to my room at the back of the house (due to the COVID19 virus epidemic). To try to do this "stocking up" due to food and gas shortages during the Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Carter administrations WHILE ON WELFARE was darned near impossible, but now, having worked for my 25+ yrs. as a bus driver and currently with a pension, a computer, and direct deposit, it is MUCH, MUCH EASIER!!! I just need to do the work of tidying up, organizing, and putting things away. Nothing new actually, but I feel SO much more able to do so. I'm already doing it! :mrgreen:

My Backyard garden is an absolute MIRACLE! I took a walk out there yesterday. Some of my trees actually LIVED through the wintertime! NO WATER for them ALL WINTER! :oops: Yet still they LIVED! :roll: The peaches and apricots are blooming like crazy! My gigantic (and soon to be pruned WAY back) Fuji apple tree is about to bloom. And even the Asian apple-pear trees made it! I haven't done a darned thing back there yet! But all will be watered T-O-D-A-Y!!!! Also coming back and thriving are all my (FORGIVING!!!) Salvia (hummingbirds LOVE them!), as are my ChaCha chives and curly parsley (think freeze drying)! I'm thinking about putting my Excalibur food dryer on the bottom shelf of the black cart, too. Maybe. We'll see how that goes. I need to begin moving ALL veggie growing 30 gallon pots over to the dog's yard NOW, but I just got my second Garden Glide so moving those pots shouldn't be prohibitive. The weather is getting so nice, my gout and back pain are better, and the frost threat is OVER, so why not sow a couple of squash seeds out there right now? And if the squash begin to come too quickly...there's always my freeze dryer!! :lol: I am loving this WAY TOO MUCH!!! Home grown organic squash, ham, cheese, and onion gratin casserole in mid-winter, all from freeze dried items. Oh yeah, we are set!!

We are experiencing NO RAIN over several months, and here in my state they are always on the lookout for yet another drought (the "D" word!) Even the washer-dryer set I just bought (about a year or so ago) spares water usage. But the big water user is the garden. I see it as more of a "Victory Garden" like they had during WWII. And this time what I do grow I can freeze dry and then use up later on, even 25 yrs. in the future. (I should live so long!) ;)

I'm ordering my strawberries today. All of them died sadly, but now I get to pull out all of those nasty invasive weeds, refresh the soil in all 5 of my planters (I've got plenty of potting soil and manure, that's for sure!), and simply plant more. I sort of like the bare rooted ones. They look dreadful and sad upon arrival, but once planted, they really take off!! And they come in packs of 25, so I need to consider that and choose wisely which variety to grow. The fruit also can be freeze dried. We got a FREE sample bag of mixed freeze dried fruit and DS gobbled it up right out of the bag! He was amazed at how good it was and voraciously shook the powdered dry stuff at the bottom of the bag into his mouth, too. :lol: He wants us to freeze dry Keto ice cream, too. That is actually doable, believe it or not. :mrgreen: I have a lot of studying to do on the "how to do"s of freeze drying, but my lovely (and productive) garden comes first, as does the messy and unsanitary garage. There's plenty to keep me happily busy and out of circulation while this pandemic passes. I've never been much of a party girl anyway! :P

Thanks again, dancingfish, for bringing me out of "retirement" on here! {{{{{{{{{{{dancingfish!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}

Best of luck with your own gardening attempts. I wonder what would happen, what you would find, if you Googled " Squirrel Protectors for the Garden"? :mrgreen:

Honeybera

dancingfish
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:29 pm

Aw honeybera, it's so great to hear from you! I was thinking of you just yesterday!

Will write a bit more soon, but wanted to say "hi!" and glad to hear you're well and getting on with gettin' on. :D

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Mar 18, 2020 10:42 pm

dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:29 pm
Aw honeybera, it's so great to hear from you! I was thinking of you just yesterday!

Will write a bit more soon, but wanted to say "hi!" and glad to hear you're well and getting on with gettin' on. :D
Yes, we are all well here. So far, so good. I hope you are all well and good on your end as well.

This COVID19 is hitting hard here in my state and in many other states on the West Coast of the US and all over the world by the looks of it. I was thinking about it: I now consider my isolation as a good thing! :lol: Odd how things change in such a short time. I was previously fighting my inherent isolationist tendencies, yet now it's turned into a benefit. Who knew? :mrgreen:

MD isn't as fortunate. She's diabetic and in a nursing home at 90 yrs. old with staff (of questionable health status) running in and out of her room 24/7 and in skin to skin contact with her whenever they appear. DB, 63 (which is really getting up there in age!), has some serious health issues of his own, plus he is married to a (lazy) registered nurse who, according to what's on the news, will be called in to work on this pandemic and naturally infected persons. Then she'll go home. Wowzer!! :shock: This is making "forgiveness" much easier for me to deal with since one of the tripping points for me was that feeling that they both were "getting away with it". Not feeling like that so much anymore...blessedly!

I on the other hand have "enough" of everything. I don't use Clorox wipes or hand sanitizer, but I make the BEST disinfectant: 10% good old Clorox bleach + 90% tap water in a spray bottle or sprayed on a paper towel and then just wipe down or wipe away. I learned that in Microbiology in my college days way back in the 1980s. We did an experiment on an agar plate with various "bad" bacteria and swiped them with several "cleaning solutions" such as Lysol, ammonia, and even bleach water. The next day all the bacteria were thriving EXCEPT in the area that was touched by the bleach solution. IT WAS BARE! So now when I sanitize my sideboards, sinks, showers, anything else, I simply give it a spray and/or a wipe down with a dampened paper towel. Let it dry and you're golden! It's a lesson I never forgot.

Also HEAT destroys this virus (and anything else that's nasty, like germs of any kind and even mites or bedbugs) - and what has that sort of heating capacity? A clothes dryer! It heats up to over 140ºF, runs for some time at that heat, and KILLS all the nasty things - and nearly everyone has access to one! It's GREAT for any kind of pillow freshening! No need to wash them first; just pop them into a dryer and run it for an hour. They come out super "clean" and fluffy! All cooties GONE. It applies to anything washed as well. Once it comes out of the dryer, it's clean-clean!
Clean enough to be healthy. Dirty enough to be happy. - My Motto
I have my dogs inside with me for a "visit". They're happily lazing in their bed ATM. I need to get outside for a bit and do some trimming on the salvia which is already "growing back" from the base, so I need to remove the old dead branches from last summer to give it a good chance to grow. I also need to do a "garbage patrol" for both just plain garbage and for the gardening scraps that I'll be creating. There is so much work to be done out there, but I'm adopting a "do as much as you can" attitude.

I still can't decide which varieties of strawberries to grow, but I want to decide soon so they can be on their way here. Next "task" (after the salvias) is to be clearing out the strawberry planters, which is not a big task, but rather a tedious and time consuming one. I also have to begin "hardening off" my peppers outside for a few hours at a time since they will be on outside planting task #3. They need to be sort of gradually coaxed out into the outside world after having grown inside under 8 hours a day grow lights. I'll soon be doing the same with my SunGold tomatoes, now fully regrown. Although my first batch died, tomatoes do grow quickly, and I planted them in a larger pot. I only put in a smaller bit of potting soil, and as they grew, I added more soil. Tomatoes are weird: I can cover up much of the stem and they will grow more roots from their stems, making the plants stronger. I need one more addition of soil today to fill that 8" pot, let it grow the tomato tops from there, and it'll be set outside in stages, too. I want a lot of nice SunGold cherry tomatoes this summer to freeze dry. Peppers, too! Fingers crossed!

I'm also trying out an almond flour crust today (my first time) to accommodate a scrumptious chocolate pudding filling + whipping cream topping. YUM! Now that the restaurants and even grocery stores are closing, people are going to have to learn to cook for themselves. I was already set up for that. :mrgreen: I am blessed with an internet FILLED with wonderful keto recipes of all kinds. I just ordered more binders and sheet protectors for my cookbooks that I'm assembling. It's just one more thing to keep me happily occupied inside my home while this COVID19 scourge passes.

I'd better get a move on. Thanks for writing back, dancingfish! It's always a delight to hear from you!

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Mar 22, 2020 7:40 pm

Just an addition this morning to my ever-growing and healing journal on here as to how the COVID-19 virus and the subsequent "mandatory" shelter in place has POSITIVELY affected my view on my own individual view of life and of people in general. Amazing really! I never believed that I'd actually APPRECIATE the abuse I'd suffered through, but blessedly, it has toughened me up! I'm hearing how others are suffering through this pandemic, especially socially, but I am finding it hard to relate. I am at high risk, as is my asthmatic DS, so we are "hiding" from the virus in our home. By my writings, one can see that I spotted this coming due to my own life experience, so I bought enough early on to get through this self imposed isolation, but I am actually GRATEFUL that I already have the skills needed to get through this. MD, in her own narcissistic and harsh way, toughened me up and allowed me to brave the" loss" of socialization, even with my autism that socially harms me anyway. No hugs or handshakes? No problem for me. DS is the same way.

My daily routine has barely changed! The only difference is that I'm actually getting more done! I have become more aware of how fortunate I am. I have everything, we want for nothing. My "projects" have plenty of time to be updated and completed (cookbook, the dreaded garage, the ever-needy garden, the basic household clean up) and now I can gratefully work on them and be happy that my home is a safe one. I'm barely listening to the news anymore or sitting for hours and hours watching TV. That's new. But feeling depressed is not an option ATM while others are suffering so.

I am in touch with my family again (by phone), especially my cousins R and B. I've found that B suffered as much as I did being raised by my Aunt J. Aunt J committed suicide years ago, and B admitted to me that she was actually grateful knowing that she was finally safe from her. :? Yes, I can identify with that. All her brothers were great, but she, the only girl, was brutalized! Gee, where have I heard that before? :roll: We had always been kept apart from one another (so we couldn't compare notes?? :x ) and both of us heard dreadful things about each other to keep it that way, but scarred as she is, she is a good person and not the monster I had been repeatedly told she was. I believe I'll contact my DB again today (his line was busy before) and my older DS in the Midwest to see how they're fairing.

YIKES! It's already 11am! Time to get out into the garden to place my new (and THRIVING!!) baby peppers and tomato plants in the sun for several hours as they "harden off" from being under the grow lights. They look like they came from a nursery, but they didn't. They came from seeds! (Proud Mama here! :mrgreen: ) I'm also clearing out the weeds from and moving a few 30 gallon Smart Pots and readying them for squash seeds. We'll be getting some rain soon albeit briefly. It's going to be a drought year (sadly) since we've had little rain so far. I did decide on the Eversweet and Albion everbearing strawberry varieties for this year (I should call the nursery now to see if they're able to send the bare roots now). More weeding to be done as I await their arrival, but it's in my tall planters to save my back. Life goes on...

Stay safe out there! {{{{{LoveYouAll!}}}}}

Honeybera

coconuts
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Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts » Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:52 pm

Your gardening and freeze drying projects sound amazing. No time to get bored for sure. You have plenty to do. I love freeze dried fruit as just a snack. And freeze dried veggies and meat make an excellent soup later. I like to hike and freeze dried food is always a nice light thing to pack along. So long as you have water.

I started hydroponics this year. Hoping to try strawberries that way soon. It is not our growing season yet. We get frost until first of June. But I have a lovely amount of lettuce in my hydro units.

Nice that you are connecting to family. Learning or rather confirming truths from the lies you were told. And not letting those who hurt you before continue to take. I love that you show your strength in refusing to be cowed down by them and in loving strong and happy and content. Being content to be you and to be you in the life you've built is amazing.

Coconuts

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Apr 01, 2020 9:41 am

Hey Coconuts!
coconuts wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:52 pm
Your gardening and freeze drying projects sound amazing. No time to get bored for sure. You have plenty to do.
I do indeed! I'm just having a hard time finding the energy to get things done. I made two loaves of keto bread today and they smell wonderful, but I had to keep sitting down and resting! DS and I are self-quarantining even though we're not sick with COVID-19 - just being as safe as possible out here on the USA West Coast. I am 73, diabetic (or at least PREdiabetic) among other debilitating things, and obese, so better safe than sorry. Honestly, living like this isn't much different from our normal lifestyle. DS is still working at his PT job (security guard in remote places), our checks are coming in to direct deposit...it's hard to tell any difference, really. So we are safe and we are truly blessed! AND GRATEFUL!! I hope all of you are the same.
coconuts wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:52 pm
I love freeze dried fruit as just a snack. And freeze dried veggies and meat make an excellent soup later. I like to hike and freeze dried food is always a nice light thing to pack along. So long as you have water.
Our brand new freeze dryer (plus the oil free pump and all the boxed attachments) is still sitting in the foyer! :roll: We got a new heavy duty utility cart for it. In fact, we got two. I got the wrong one first and the plug for the water drain for the freeze dryer was blocked, so we stuck that one (in red) in the garage and ordered the correct one with a flat top in black. I can really use the red one out in the garage and garden! It's perfect! We had a couple of DS's friends come over and lift the uber-heavy freeze dryer up onto the new cart...and there it sits, waiting on me to tidy up its spot in the family room. I'm really looking forward to using it for all the things you've mentioned.

OMG! I forgot! I ordered my strawberries already. I need to get those strawberry planters READY for all those bare root plants! I finally decided to get the Eversweet (25 of them) and the Albion (again, 25) and one White Alpine. Lots of standing work, but I sort of really need to exercise a bit outside as long as my strength holds up. I just need to PULL all the weeds out, rough up the remaining soil, add some chicken manure and acidic fertilizer + potting soil, mix them all up, and fix up my "uncovered in the garage" strawberry pots, too...and then wait for my strawberries to arrive. (Not too soon, please!) :roll: I'd like to put my tomatoes (SunGolds) in tomorrow, too. It's really beautiful out there in the yard ATM, 70ºF with a slight breeze, and it's TIME for them to go in. I need to weedeat, too. The goat heads would LOVE to take over for yet another year. I say NO! We'll see who wins. :P It seems that I've won with the fox tails, so hope springs eternal! :lol:

My front room currently looks like a mountain of empty cardboard boxes, what with all the deliveries lately. (Don't worry. I've been here before! :lol: ) Tomorrow is Wed. and it's time to start cutting them up for garbage night Thursday. I doubt if there's even one COVID-19 cootie on any of them, but I'll still wash my hands thoroughly afterwards!!!

We have made a spot for ALL deliveries on large cut cardboard sheets (from other delivery boxes) in the foyer and there they sit for a while until we feel safe with elapsing time before bringing them more deeply into our virus isolated home. That goes for ALL freshly delivered cardboard boxes and any delivered groceries (except for perishables). Then I WASH MY HANDS!!! 20 SECONDS MINIMUM. Again: same old, same old around here. We may be weird, but we are safe. ;)
coconuts wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:52 pm
I started hydroponics this year. Hoping to try strawberries that way soon. It is not our growing season yet. We get frost until first of June. But I have a lovely amount of lettuce in my hydro units.
Wow! June?? I never tried hydroponics. Our frost season ends the first of March around here, so there's no need. Good luck with your strawberries. :mrgreen:
coconuts wrote:
Mon Mar 23, 2020 2:52 pm
Nice that you are connecting to family. Learning or rather confirming truths from the lies you were told. And not letting those who hurt you before continue to take. I love that you show your strength in refusing to be cowed down by them and in loving strong and happy and content. Being content to be you and to be you in the life you've built is amazing.
LOL. Yes indeed. Amazingly, Dr. Les Carter on YouTube has helped me cope with dealing with a narcissistic mother. He has FREE videos, and I always like that price, but he really makes sense, too. MD was SO controlling, and with my assistance, she still could be. Sadly, her upbringing caused her to be exactly who she is, but I don't have to willingly participate in her foolishness and meanness. (Bless her.)
That which doesn't kill me only serves to make me stronger.
And strong I am!! Maybe a little wonky sometimes, but strong as an ox! I like being nice, too, in fact, I prefer it! But just ask anyone who knows me and they'll say it's not a good idea to try to deliberately hurt me. Not smart at all. So that is my legacy from MD and all her abuse and attempts to control this free spirit. And I actually THANK her for it! (The resilience, that is, and NOT the abuse that went with it.) Thank God I was blessed with intelligence and a strong will and a sense of fairness. It helped me to survive. Relatively intact.

So yeah - I've been touching base with certain family members. It's funny that I love the cousins that MD absolutely HATES. They are all really good people in my eyes. They are also the children of my aunt, MD's sister, that MD fought and competed with constantly, and thereby she finds them not "good enough" when measured by MD's strict yard stick, but hell, NEITHER WAS I! :P

Oh Lordy! All that work tomorrow and it's 2:30am already! Thanks for writing, Coconuts. ♥♥ Best of luck with your lettuce and strawberries (in June for the latter). Hydroponics, huh? Maybe. :mrgreen:

Honeybera

coconuts
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Re: Letting go

Post by coconuts » Wed Apr 01, 2020 2:20 pm

It sounds like you are doing so much to protect yourself. Making a m.h all adjustments against the virus where possible.

I wish you immense success against the dreaded goatheads. Those things are obnoxious and insane and painful if stepped on.

Woohee good luck with strawberries. Sounds like you have lots coming.

We have such a short growing season because of elevation. I live above 6500 feet. Just had a foot of snow last week! Sometimes we can begin first of May and just baby and cover our stuff. Hoping to maybe this year spend more time making my yard a lovely place to hide out. It's got some nice qualities, just needs to fix some up. I'm debating overseeding my grass with clover. Been researching that as a possibly more environmentally friendly alternative. Also thinking of building a greenhouse over the garden spot.

The freeze dryer is there when you're ready for it. Sounds like you could have lots of fun exploring and experimenting with it.

Glad you're cared for and taking care of yourself. Also glad for your internal strength and resilience to overcome life and to see things differently despite the blinders the world tries to put in place.

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Apr 12, 2020 12:39 pm

Coconut, I just saw your post from April 1st. I had already written this post below due to seeing that documentary on HBO. I would like to write more, but it's now 5am and my eyes are drooping. I will write more later and answer your post. {{{{coconut}}}}
=============================================================================================

Again, as in times past, this forum is my outlet, so I had to share this with you all...

I JUST SAW A HUMMINGBIRD IN MY YARD!!! :mrgreen: It actually brought tears to my eyes with joy. It's the first one in this year, this trying year. There are very few flowers near my window on the world ATM (they're growing as quickly as possible), but over by my bathroom, the Hot Lips are growing like crazy and under the kitchen window the salvia bushes are getting HUGE with bright red blossoms EVERYWHERE!

My garden is eternal. Spring comes and many things spring back to life despite all the tragedy that is going on in the world. The sun still shines. The grass (and weeds) grow. The hummingbird appears. Life goes on. And life is good.

Been speaking with my cousins and even dear brother on a weekly basis which is 52 times more often than before "all this" at minimum. We all say, "I love you!" at the end of every conversation. Odd how life situations can change things.

=============================================== 4/12/2020 (my father's birthday)

Happy Easter to all. Very odd day with the COVID-19 occurring ATM.

Having a real eye opening time today. It's 3am (my days and nights are all screwed up again - nothing new there) and I'm "doing my pills" for the week and watching a fascinating show on HBO re: obesity and diabetes and even obesity bias. WOW! So eye opening! They are talking about how each of their families gave them painful gibes regarding their weight that brought a few of them to tears even now. It was like replaying my own childhood dialog, and I thought about it. MD FAT-SHAMED me even as a child! The saddest part of that is that I wasn't FAT! NOT EVEN CHUBBY! I HAVE PICTURES!! She put me into dancing and acrobats and sneered at me that it was due to my "overweight". She drilled that into my head over and over: "Look at how FAT you are!!!" But I wasn't fat. Not at all. I wish I could SHOW you the picture of me in a leotard doing a perfect handstand while one of the twins (my best friends) did the splits and held my ankle in a pose. Not even close to being fat!! In spite of her putdowns and constant shaming, I became a very accomplished dancer (hula, tap, Tahitian, ballroom) and an acrobat. I even preformed on stage. I absolutely loved sports (baseball, synchronized swimming, soccer), and was even pretty enough to be a "banner girl", carrying the school banner during halftime and marching with the school band at my local high school football games and local parades in high-topped boots with tassels and my abbreviated band uniform. Such fun! God, how she quietly hated me for that...until I got home.

But all that negativity, abuse, and shaming over a lifetime took its toll. The name calling in my youth and adulthood...hm. Wait. She even began it when I was a baby, saying to me that I was "ugly" and "why couldn't I be pretty like her". Neither statement was true, but she was my mother and I bought it. Wow. :roll:

As I have shared my life of abuse with all of you on here and listened to Dr. Les Carter on YouTube videos on how to survive the narcissist, I have come to realize just how many of my "problems" weren't my problems at all, but hers! And with that realization, the pain is slowly slipping away. It wasn't MY fault at all! I did NOT deserve those gibes, that spewed hatred and the ensuing jealousy and sabotage of me as a person. I didn't cause that hatred. Heck, even SHE didn't cause the monster she became. It was visited onto her during her early years much as it was visited onto me BY her. It doesn't justify what she did to me, but it does tell me why it happened. The longer I am away from her, the better off I am. What a sad, sad statement that is, but it is true.

I've often thought of losing my weight and going to see her, now REALLY fat herself, and shaming her! But I just sit here and shake my head "no". What's the point anyway? She made me strong. Reviewing what she went through, both in her childhood and her 65 yr. long "happy" marriage, and her own self-loathing that thrust her headfirst into unmitigated narcissism and self doubt, I would not trade places with her, not for a minute! Her life was no picnic. She was always afraid (to the depths of her soul!!) that she would be abandoned again, that SHE was "less than" and not good enough, but if she made someone else feel "less than", she could breathe easy for a little bit longer. She could then point to them (not only me - she was an equal opportunity abuser! ALL females were candidates. :P ) and say, "WELL! At least I'm not as bad as THAT!" Ugh! What a way to live!

Enuff! Tomorrow I have to do the front "lawn" due to the City wanting us to "mow/trim" the sparse, but tall weeds out there. All my 6 gallons of 30% vinegar (as weed killer) has come in, so I'm ready. No more RoundUp for me. 1 gallon 30% vinegar + 1 T. Dawn liquid + salt (in a sprayer) = a pretty potent weed killer! Much safer, too. Doing some spot work in the backyard, too. Busy, busy! :lol: Strawberries haven't arrived yet, but I still need to freshen up their planters before they get here. I'm going to try to freshen up the squash planters.

I got my fancy pants Kenmore Elite French door fridge for the hobby room back in Nov. '15. IT DIED! No ice! No freezer! Even the fridge itself quit working, but I'm one of the more vulnerable people with "underlying conditions" with this virus + I'm elderly and DS is asthmatic...so do I call an appliance repairman? Have him come into my fortress of a house right now? My fridge is on the fritz and we have tried everything we can think of short of calling the repairman. (Yes, we did the Google and youtube thing already). :cry: As it was melting, I jammed what I could into the big freezer next to it and into the kitchen fridge. Then DS shoved the rest (20 lbs. of butter + some cheeses) into his small fridge/freezer in his room. What a hassle!! I have 6 dozen eggs + TONS of cream cheese (absolute necessities for keto cooking!!) in the kitchen fridge. I did not need this dilemma right now!

BUT I am in better shape than most. I've decided that I am luckier than most and am grateful for that. Better that I should pray my gratitude this Easter Sunday and send a prayer up there for others not as fortunate to have merely lost a REPLACEABLE fridge, but an IRREPLACEABLE loved one. It's all relative. I'm even grateful for my two decades as a Welfare recipient! Good training for these terrible times. Here's looking forward to that bright light at the end of the tunnel. We are still "in the tunnel", but I'll be very happy when all this is over!

I hope this finds all of you well and strong. {{{{{{♥ isurvive ♥}}}}}} HAPPY EASTER!

Honeybera

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