Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

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neverend
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Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:08 am

Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by neverend »

** TRIGGERS **

Thank you for all of you who have shared your story. It truly helps to read similar stories or similar feelings from others. My story is quite long and not too well structured - it's okay if you don't read it all, it already helped to write it down.


I was beaten, humiliated and verbally abused by my father. From my "symptoms" now I suspect there might have been sexual abuse as well, probably from someone else than my dad. I don't remember everything that happened, just some parts of it and I've seen my sister crying while remembering the humiliation that happened to me, even I can't recall those memories. I remember my dad physically overpowering me, laughing and verbally humiliating me with his friends while I'm crying hysterically and begging them to stop. I remember feeling helpless. I remember my mom just watching (or getting beaten herself if she tried to defend me) my humiliation and I guess I felt betrayed by her at that time as well, even I know now it was not her fault. But that time I was alone. :cry: I also have shady memories of sleepovers at my parents friends house. They didn't have any kids so I don't really know why I had sleepovers at their house alone. I don't remember much from their house or what happened there. One time I remember having horrible headache and being sick, but that's all. There were several sleepovers and now as I'm trying to understand myself more I'm guessing that something might have happened there. I was also bullied and humiliated in school. All that continued until I left from home and moved to other city when I was 16.

I remember having very kinky fantasies at very young age. I used to watch sick porn that included kids, abuse and animals as well. I didn't understand why I was so drawn to that kind of stuff, but I couldn't control it. In my teens I suffered severe panic attacks, alcohol abuse and had huge problems with authorities. I dropped out from school when I was 17. And I've never could work for someone else more than few days. My 'self harming' fantasies started when I was 18. First time when I felt uncontrollable urge to orgasm was when my current gf back then told me how she cheated me with some older guy. When she told me details about it I got very hard, almost ejaculated in my pants, and felt so humiliated and ashamed. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, how could I like things like that. I just tried to forget it and not fantasize about things like that. But I learned that I couldn't control it, I couldn't stop it and I started to get obsessed about being humiliated - no matter if it was about premature ejaculation, small penis or images of my gf with other men. One time it led to drunken game which ended my gf performing oral sex to friend of us in front of me. I got furious and stopped it quickly, but couldn't still help my arousal later on. Back then I felt so horrible every time I would masturbate and orgasm while having those negative fantasies. I wanted them to stop. It started affecting my self esteem and ability to stay in relationship. I felt so weak and small, which made me angry and abusive myself. Then I found drugs.

On drugs I would fantasize without instant remorse or guilt most humiliating things. Afterwards it would be even worse, but when high I didn't care since the feelings I got from all those negative fantasies were so powerful. I couldn't drop those fantasies, more I tried, more intensive the orgasms. This was maybe when I was 21-23. Fast forward to age 28 and I've got used to these kind of fantasies and don't feel that much guilt or embarrassment about enjoying those. Or maybe I did, but I just tried to forget everything after climax. Then I met my wife who was broken in a similar ways as I am. We had intensive fights and as intensively we fell in love. We still to this day haven't shared 100% what have happened to us, but we both have some kind of picture what kind of life we've had. Back then when we met, we sometimes were so high that we played out our sick fantasies, but after the drugs wore off we felt ashamed of ourselves. Happily she quit drugs and unfortunately I continued. I was hooked mostly with my humiliating fantasies, not with drugs. Drugs just allowed me lose control. She tried to play along even without the drugs, but it didn't feel the same. We stopped playing out our fantasies and tried to have normal sex life, but for me it's been quite impossible all my adult life.

I never had fantasized about other men before and I consider myself as heterosexual. What have made me think I was sexually abused as well is that about 1 year ago I started to have obsessive fantasies about being raped, dominated and treated like a girl by multiple men. First time I had these fantasies I got dizzy, started shaking and had orgasm without touching myself. I still can't really understand what that means and for a while (and still sometimes) I doubt if I'm gay? Or could this be caused by my past? It was very powerful feeling and as I'm addicted to these negative orgasms - I couldn't stop myself from climaxing with same fantasy again and again. Many times without any physical stimulation. All that feels very confusing and embarrassing. I don't quite understand myself...

Anyway. I then tried to quit drugs as well and most of the times could do it. I still relapsed sometimes. Then my wife got pregnant which was a blessing for us. When I saw my son, it changed me. Seeing my son crying has brought up new feelings from my past and I've been very emotional lately. I somehow see myself in him and can't understand how someone could treat little boy as I got treated. I'm done with drugs and I'm on a path to find balance in life. I want to give my son safe, loving and balanced childhood - something I never got. That's what have led me here. I don't really have anyone to fully open up and express myself and I feel that hearing others stories and opening up myself will help with my progress.

Even at some point in my life I felt so broken, that my life was not worth living and that I would never have any real relationship, currently I feel that I have somewhat made peace with my past. Even the drugs caused a lot of harm, I also learned a lot about myself and it helped me to grow and to accept everything. My life feels okay now. I have found meditation and feel much more balanced than before. Only thing that still follows me (and I doubt is it even possible to ever 'forget' or get away) is the dark, negative 'self harming' sexual fantasies. I think I quite well understand where those come from. My dad overpowering me, humiliating me in front of my mom or beating my mom in front of me creates most of the fantasies. Homosexual fantasies I have might come from some repressed memories - I'm not sure. What I don't understand is that how I really should relate to these negative fantasies? I know many abuse victims get intense orgasm from 're-living' their past - how we should react to that? Should we try to stop these fantasies? Are these harmful? Or should we accept that it's how we are and enjoy those best we can?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and to be completely honest I probably never can stop myself from getting aroused by these sick negative fantasies. And trying to suppress these thoughts and constantly failing might just create more guilt and shame and make me more miserable. That makes me think that should I just let myself enjoy my sick fetishes? Maybe try to get my girlfriend to understand my fetishes better so I wouldn't feel alone with my thoughts. Or would professional therapist advice against this? Would you advice against this?

With this post I was hoping to get some comments from those who either have successfully quit their negative fantasies or from those, who have successfully integrated those fantasies in their life and relationship. I'm quite lost what I should do - living in between fantasizing and feeling ashamed/guilty just don't feel right thing to do.

Thank you for reading.
ringonoka
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Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:05 am

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by ringonoka »

Hello neverend,

It is nice to meet you. I've joined here quite recently, and I am not eligible for replying, because I cannot tell you anything that you want to know, as I am not, as far as I remember, sexually abused and don't have those fantasies, but I wanted to leave a little comment on your post.
When I saw my son, it changed me. Seeing my son crying has brought up new feelings from my past and I've been very emotional lately. I somehow see myself in him and can't understand how someone could treat little boy as I got treated. I'm done with drugs and I'm on a path to find balance in life. I want to give my son safe, loving and balanced childhood - something I never got. That's what have led me here.

I was moved when reading this. You have your wife and son, a family. You are truly on the path to the life that you want to have. I wanted to congratulate you on this. I am too on a path, on a journey. I am sure and hope that you will get what you want. I sense that you can make it.

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you. Hope that you'll get help from other members in finding the answers or clues to your questions.

From my heart,
r.
honeybera
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Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by honeybera »

Welcome neverend...
neverend wrote:When I saw my son, it changed me. Seeing my son crying has brought up new feelings from my past and I've been very emotional lately. I somehow see myself in him and can't understand how someone could treat little boy as I got treated.
I totally stopped when I read this! I did the same with my then newborn daughter (she's almost 40 now)! I even stopped abusing my oldest son when I had that epiphany. Thank you for sharing this so I can feel not so alone about this. I had a social worker sit me down in my old rocking chair with my daughter in my arms, and I felt that same connection as you had. It is sobering, isn't it?
neverend wrote:Or would professional therapist advice against this? Would you advice against this?
neverend, I can't "advise" you about anything. I believe, after reading your post, that something horrendous probably happened to you as a helpless child, and if I had any advice for you, it would be to seek out a licensed professional therapist (we abbreviate it on here with a simple 'T') ASAP. Make sure it's one that you are comfortable with, is non-judgmental, and that you can be completely open with. I don't believe you have felt truly safe in sharing with someone else for a long, long time. Take your time in finding someone who really fills that bill, but do find someone soon. I wish you great success in your search!

And don't forget we are here for you to dump your pain as it comes up. If it was sexual abuse, we have a special place on this forum for issues of that nature. I believe there's even an area for men who have been abused in that way. Look around on this site.

Honeybera
AcceptanceAT
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Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:55 am

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by AcceptanceAT »

Hi Neverend,
neverend wrote: Sun Dec 27, 2015 5:10 pm Even at some point in my life I felt so broken, that my life was not worth living and that I would never have any real relationship, currently I feel that I have somewhat made peace with my past. Even the drugs caused a lot of harm, I also learned a lot about myself and it helped me to grow and to accept everything. My life feels okay now. I have found meditation and feel much more balanced than before.
Like other before, I too was touched by your words, how you have been trying for a long time to live better, for yourself, and now for your son. It is very hard to replace the bad coping with the good coping. I´m so impressed, relieved and happy that you are meditating, learning about yourself, having the courage to rummage through your past, learning about other´s stories and sharing your own. That´s... incredible. It really is. And you are still young, so all of this is still pretty recent. I congratulate you on the journey you have been making and on the steps you have taken to improve your life and raise your son in a loving home of your and your wife´s own making. There´s nothing more inspiring to me than a survivor doing better, doing different for their children. So I extend these words to honeybera and her decision to do right by her daughter but also her son.

A therapist helps. Not only do you need it, you deserve it. You deserve to be helped and cared for, in the best way, because that will undoubtedly help you care and love for your child and wife. And, of course, yourself, all your life.

Best wishes for this journey we´re all taking.

Love,

AcceptanceAT
Last edited by Harmony on Fri Feb 12, 2021 4:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering language nor content
Acceptance AT
Per Aspera Ad Astra [*][*]
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by Kokoschka »

Neverend,
I can't opine or comment on your story but l want to congratulate you on the healing path you've chosen for yourself. I wish you courage and perseverance and that you become the father you want to be for your son. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by Chessgirl »

I’m sorry you are going through all this. I was verbally abused and humiliated by my mother frequently. I know I had mostly abusive relationships in adulthood as a result I think. I do think talking to a therapist is a good idea. I don’t want to give any wrong advice here. Just wanted to chime in and say that I know it’s hard and you are doing a great job by addressing these issues. Congrats on sobriety. I have been sober since September and am quite proud of myself as well. I know what a journey that can be. Hope you find peace and clarity during this time.
Chessgirl
Geckoking
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Joined: Tue May 12, 2020 7:12 am

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by Geckoking »

I can't tell you what is better or healthier. I can tell you that by indulging in the fantasies you are strengthening neural connections and keep rebuilding them that way. It becomes therefore easier and more likely for you to continue that route and your fantasies might (or not) become more extreme. You need to decide yourself whether you are ok with that and accept that about yourself, or whether you would rather not engage in that. A good therapist, specialising in trauma and sexuality should be able to help and advise you.
I think what I would say is that you are not at the mercy of those thoughts and urges. You can work towards a different sexuality and process your trauma. It might never be completely gone. But it is possible to reduce. At the same time, don't feel guilty. Almost everyone who has been through abuse fantasises about their trauma in some way or another. It is a normal coping mechanism.
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey geckoning,
That is super helpful, thanks! It makes sense not to indulge in them more or you are only strengthening them. Thanks for telling me not to feel too guilty about it. It is tough when you feel guilty about something you don’t have complete control over. I don’t have a specialist but I’m talking to a doctor who knows a little about trauma and she has been somewhat healthy. I have not covered this with her yet but she likes for me to do work and research on my own for when I’m not with her. I appreciate your input!
Chessgirl
AcceptanceAT
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Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:55 am

Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by AcceptanceAT »

Hi everyone

Neverend, I hope things are better with you. How is everything? How´s your wife and son?

Geckoking, thank you so much for what you wrote. I´ve been struggling with that insight as well. I know i´m strengthening neural connections, but at the same time I feel so powerless, so at the mercy of these thoughts. When my mind wonders, which is most of the time, it comes back to this. There´s guilt because I know better but I don´t do better. Wish you all the best, thank you so much.

Chessgirl, I hope you´re doing better and better and your doctor is still helping you. Cheering you on :)

Love,

AcceptanceAT
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Apr 24, 2021 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering detail
Acceptance AT
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greendreamdays
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Re: Abused boy [How to cope with negative fantasies]

Post by greendreamdays »

Hi neverend. Thank you for your share.

I realize this post is from 6 years ago and I don’t know if you still read the comments. But in case you do and in case anyone else is struggling with something similar I wanted to post something. I have learned that sexual fantasies are not necessarily things that people want to act out. And they are not necessarily an indication of someone’s sexual orientation. Studies have shown that people of all orientations generally respond to sexual images with arousal regardless if the images or videos shown are engaged in same-sex or different sex content. It doesn’t mean they are gay, the body just gets aroused whether people want it or not. I think it’s important not to shame yourself when you feel unwanted arousal related to fantasies or memories of past abuse.

I don’t know if this is helpful but a therapist once told me that people who were sexually abused as children are like babies who are born addicted to drugs. In other words if your primary sexual experiences are abusive your brain can become programmed/associated to connect this with arousal especially if there is grooming involved. It’s the same reason it’s not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse to be unwillingly aroused by stories of abuse. Not because they want it but because of how their brain has associated things, and if that causes shame and shame is arousing I can only imagine how complicated and frustrated it can be!

Like I mentioned, sexual fantasies are most often just fantasies and not necessarily something people want to play out in real life. Rape fantasies are actually fairly common and does not mean people actually want to be raped or to rape others. There is a channel on YouTube called Sexplanations and they have some really helpful videos that explain more about fantasies and fetishes.

The most helpful thing for me was to identify the particular unfulfilled need that I was falsely fulfilling in porn or fantasy. If you can identify the unmet need you can incorporate it in more healthy ways into your life. For me I was able to identify that I wanted pleasure and loss of control because I felt overburdened by responsibility in my real life. After that realization I had the ability to focus on ways to give myself some reasonable healthy control in my life and found ways to manage my stress and anxiety and as a result those kinds of fantasies are not as appealing to me anymore and it becomes more of a choice to engage in those fantasies rather than a compulsion.

I also made a commitment to myself to stop engaging in certain porn/fantasies that reinforced a version of myself that does not fit with my current values. When I started using more ethical porn and seeing people engage in sensual and connected sexuality it felt totally different and much better. I really make an effort to identify what need is being unfulfilled or falsely fulfilled by negative, addictive, or self destructive behaviors because once I can fulfill that in a more appropriate area of my life the need to engage in those behaviors either goes away completely or at least becomes significantly less intense.

I know humiliation is also a somewhat common kink/fetish and maybe you can incorporate this kink in ways that don’t remind you of past abuse? That is something you can communicate with your partner and a sex therapist. Hope this helps!
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Apr 24, 2021 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Change from ST to NT due to no graphic content
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