What would you do about this?

[earthhorse]

I put a longer post out on the Open forum about my not so great day today. But I really need some particular advice form people who are aware of emotional and verbal abuse.

Today I an important teacher at my university whom I have never studied under said to me in the hall:

'Wat een verstorde meid' In English what a crazy/ disturbed/ wrong  girl. While glaring at me hostilely and with contempt.

I wanted to try and confront him on this somehow. To ask why he said it. He may of course deny it. But he did say it. It made me feel really horrible of course and like the whole university is out to get me.

But its tough there are huge power discrepancies between him and I. I don't want to escalate conflict.

Any thoughts?

EH

[ladysslipper]

My first question to you is if you have never studied under him why is there a huge power struggle between the two of you? If he is the professor and you are a student again why is there a power struggle? I think by answering those two questions it may help you figure out how to proceed.
Could it be he has a preconceived idea about you based on gossip from other students? Could it be that he is a chouvanist and doesnt think women should be in that field? I worked for a Dutch owned company at one time and the CEO would come here once a year for a sales meeting. He was a sexist pig and it drove hime crazy that he had to have an all female sales force for that branch of the company.
I personally would set up a meeting with him and politely explain to him what you heard and ask him why he had that opinion of you. Without being defensive approach from the angle of I am always working on improving myself and would like your feedback as to why you feel that way so that I may work to change and improve the impressions others have of me in order to be a better person. Or something like that.
In oder to do it professionally you have to put yourself in the right mindset and not react to whatever he says from an emotional place. I know it is hard to do and you may not believe or even mean what you are saying but sometimes you need to humor others in order to get what you need.
I dont know if this helps at all but it is what I have had to do at times in order to get what I need without excallating conflict.

[earthhorse]

I actually think this is very good advice Ladysslipper.

I think there is a difference in power positions. Obviously he has a lot more authority than I. That's what I meant by power discrepancy. I seem to have a lot of problems with authority, some teachers/other authority figures I have profound respect for, and the acknowledgement of their authority is easy for me to accept. However, I find it hard to accept the authority of people arbitrarily. It is a real problem for me. I can have extreme compulsive reactions which are obviously unprofessional. From terror, literally freezing and shaking to outright over the top rebellion. I just don't feel safe. These feelings and reactions are a major obstacle for me.

As to why he may react like this. I have an idea but I am unsure. I don't know if you remember but four years ago I made a comment in class that really triggered a drawing teacher, I said as a joke well that's not how you draw the human figure. He took me out of the class and tried to lock me in his office, then another teacher just went right over the top screaming at me. This other teacher is known for losing it. The first teacher has a reputation among students as a nasty piece of work. I was out of line with my comment but heir reaction was really extreme. I left the classroom really distraught and reported the incident. Later the first teacher officially apologised to me. The second teacher never did. And I have a feeling that it was he who has spread rumours. Even though this incident was four years ago!

Other than that there is no foundation/reason I can think of. I may have let down one group but for the rest usually I fulfil my groups work and work hard so I don't think it is coming from students. So weird.

I think I will come back and read your advice again!


Love,

EH

[ladysslipper]

I really get the difficulties with authority figures. I to used to have problems with interacting with jerks that were in authority. You are a strong person and I know you have it in you to confront him. Take some time to prepare for a meeting with him. Write down what you want to say to him and all of the possible outcomes. Come up with a plan as to how you would handle each of the outcomes and practice them.

If he gets defensive or yells at you how could you handle it? If he denies the comment how could you handle it. If you go in prepared for all of the outcomes chances are you will not be triggered and will be able to come across as a professional. What could the worst possable outcome be? I am willing to bet that it can not be any worse then anything you have already expereinced. Think about the worst and prepare for it and you will handle it better.

I did not know you told a teacher that is not how you draw a person. Please take what I am about to say as constructive it is not meant to critisize you. By telling a teacher that is not how you do such and such you have challenged the teachers authority (from the teachers perspective). Not knowing the background of the teacher they reacted from a negative/bad place and could have felt threatend by you. I am sure the word has gotten around the whole department as to what took place and his opinion most likely is based on what he has heard not on anything concrete. A healthy person would have been able to ignore what you said but an unhealthy person would have reacted just as he did. There was a time when I would have been set off by someone challenging (be it real or imagined) my authority.

In a perfect world with authority comes respect but respect needs to be earned. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and there are those that expect respect without earining it. By making the comment you did it was interpretated as disrespect which is something older Dutch men and most people in authority do not take very well.

Of course you could also just let the whole incident go. What do you have to gain and what do you have to loose if you do or dont confront. How important is it to you to confront and why. Will it change his opinion of you or will it make things worse. I do not expect you to answer theese questions here just something for you to think about. In the end go with your gut instinct it is there for a reason.

On another note I was reading your other post and based on how you describe yourself (real high highs and real low lows) I am begining to wonder if have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar. Much of what you describe sounds like BPD to me. I have a neighbor that is BP and have seen many of the behaviors you describe in her. Earthhorse it may be worth looking into. I know you do not like to take meds but if BPD is part of the cause for some of your issues there are meds that can really help you live a fuller life without messing up your head and taking away your creativity.

I care about you and would hate to see you struggle so much if there is something that can help you.

[earthhorse]

ladyslipper thank you so much for the constructive and caring feedback!!

Preparing is an awesome plan. I need to sleep on this I think, breathe a little deeper and get a grasp on it,

The teacher who commented to me today, was not the teacher I acted out to four years ago, he is the head of that department. No you are right LS, it was totally out of line of me to say that to the drawing teacher. It was not something I thought about at all. I was in a manic phase. I am aware that it was inappropriate, and also highly triggering for some people. It is not how I want to be behave, it was compulsive.

Its just weird that this head teacher should take four years to start acting hostile toward me. I wonder what is going on?

Yes I hear what you are saying about bi-polar. Its just that I have been improving. Even though I just went through a crisis with my finances my partner said I dealt with it a LOT better then in the past. I just read a good site on how to deal with bipolar without medication. It involves a very structured and balanced life. Good diet, exercise, making art , reading, keeping a daily journal, being spiritual and making sure I connect with friends and help others. I am also told to stay away from movies, video games, TV and excessive internet, (these have all being problems for me when I have been depressed in
the past). Becoming more aware of my tendency toward bi-polar will help me organise my time better and not compromise on those things. Because I think you are right its dangerous for me. I could push me over the level too and compound the disorder. But the literature says the disorder is not completely controlled by medication that it always has to accompanied by a structured plan. And if you can diminish the effects from 30%-50% then you are no longer suffering from the disorder. The irony is, is it seems this is easier to do without medication. I would like to be one of those people who can say I have recovered from the disorder, and just structure my life in a more balance way to control the disease.

I have so many problems LS.... its really compounded all those issues I have. I do suffer from complex PTSD with its long list of symptoms, I also have a number of other issues that include dissociation disorders, self injury and pathological behaviour. Lovely the cocktail you get from severe childhood abuse hey? But I think this awareness and trying to structure my life and care for myself will help with all of it, maybe I am pushed into doing it to control and recover from bipolar, but it could save me in other ways too!

I am seeing my friend tomorrow who uses meds for bi-polar. I'll talk to her about it.

Thank you so much for your care and support.

Love,

EH

[ladysslipper]

You are right EH with or without meds you do need to structure your live. My neighbor C has the worste type of BPD. When she becomes manic she looses her mind literally. I have seen this happen with her three times in the 15 years I have known her. It is really hard to see the behaviors that she exhibits when she is manic. What is even harder is seeing how the people that can help her do not intervene when she needs it. Our laws prevent them from doing their job.
C recently was hospitalized for a month due to her BPD. The clinic she ws being treated at prior to this had her on the wrong meds and eventually she could not hold it together any longer. With her new Dr. one of the things he requires her to do is to get 10 hours of sleep a day. Hard to do and have much of a life but she is learning to manage. She has been dealing with BPD for over 20 years and is just now taking it seriously and learning how to live with it. When she is not manic you would never know that she has BPD. There is a very impulsive component to BPD but I think once you are aware of it then you can put tools in place to deal with it better.
As far as why now maybe it has something to do with the amount of time you have had to take to get throught the program. Somepeople are very narrow minded or are not capable of showing compassion towards people or things they do not understand. Mental illness is still not considered a legitamate disability in many people eyes. Take good care of yourself and try not to question the motives of those around you. Questioning really does not get us any where but sure can tie us up in knots. I am glad to see you are more aware of what you need to do in order to overcome this obstacle in your life.

[earthhorse]

Thank you for your insightful post.

"There is a very impulsive component to BPD but I think once you are aware of it then you can put tools in place to deal with it better.

This is a great line.

Its scary isn't it? I don't think I''ve ever had a major manic episode ever in my life, but I do feel manic every now and then and my whole body shakes. Usually I become aware I can calm down by taking space.

Yup it has taken me a while to get through the course But you gotta be in it to win it. I have needed nearly twice as long as officially assigned to complete the course and have lost officially 26 months to not been able to function at all. But then again only 20% of students finish the course in under 4 years when it is a three year course officially. I also completed an extra years study in math, Dutch and physics. I have worked, and have experience on three different projects, accounting for 18 months official experience. As far as the duration of my study I am not so unusual so I don't think that is the case. And if I continue with my masters of science in Arch. at the pace I am at now I will finish the entire architectural training in the average time internationally, which is 7-9 years.

But you are right, I could go crazy trying to see things through his eyes.

Hugs,

EH