Ladysslipper, your statement "He is his parts." strangely enough kind of rocks my world. I can hardly get my mind around that for whatever the reason. You're right, but........?
You are also right that there isn't ever an excuse for abuse. However, i am remembering being forced one way or another to do things against my true will to others. This is a tough thing to face, yet i know if i don't, the amnesia and dissociation stay in place. For healing, whatever (i) was made to do needs to be remembered. I know the abusers had terrible ways of making you do things you would never have chosen to do in your right mind.
That's what i've been trying to figure out about my h, whether he was also forced into some of the actions i'm remembering, or if there are other reasons.
You made a powerful statement here that i suspect is true:
"There is something he is really afraid of or he would not work so hard to try and stop you from remembering."
Our son and daughter are in their 20's, but due to what they went through, both live at home and our s is extremely dependent on h. He needs recovery so much, but several years ago slipped into denial shortly after he was taken by h back to the state where the original SRA happened for a couple weeks. At that time, i didn't know that the RA had continued against us even after the children started remembering, and that it was still sporadically happening until we moved. So....i didn't realize the danger of son going back to that place with his f. Now, i would know.
My daughter is continuing to work hard on her recovery, and i'm so proud of her for it. But she's stressed being around some of the things said and done around here. Although her f is usually always nice to her when he's here, she sees the control towards me, plus she's triggered from past events.
What's stopped me at this point from at least a separation from h, is my son. I'm so scared that h would take him back to abuse location as his own foo are there. (tears) Both times he's taken s there for just a week or two, he came back and nearly had breakdowns. In the past, i never knew why, but now i have a much better idea. What would happen if we separated and s was taken there permanently? I just couldn't bear it for him, and would blame myself. At least now, i can encourage him in trying to work towards more independence slowly at the same time i am. If i knew he was able to make it on his own, what a tremendous relief that would be. I also try to talk about recovering and healing topics with d in his presence often, so that he can at least hear and absorb some for when he's ready. Ohhhhhhhhh.......more tears. It's a terribly hard position, this one.
Have to know ***EA VA trigger***
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NancyDrew
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NancyDrew
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Re: Have to know ***EA VA trigger***
Dear Aud.......yes, i'm working towards safety for both my son & daughter and myself. If i have to go the road of healing alone, i'm willing to walk it, but want to see them on that road too.
It's a terribly difficult place i'm in for sure.....but being here is helping me so much already. Some important mems came back today after i read one of the posts, and i feel more healing in my heart.
(((appreciate you)))
It's a terribly difficult place i'm in for sure.....but being here is helping me so much already. Some important mems came back today after i read one of the posts, and i feel more healing in my heart.
(((appreciate you)))
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ladysslipper
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Re: Have to know ***EA VA trigger***
Nancy Drew
I also had a hard time getting my mind around that fact that my parts were are a part of me. The I was them and they were me. Parts are not a bad thing not really. Parts were/are a way of coping with stress and abuse when we have no other way of protecting ourselves. Parts protect us from the trauma.
He may be disociating when he acts certain ways and may not be aware of it but that does not change the fact that you and your kids are not safe. I am glad to hear that they are older and that at least one of them is working on healing. I understand how hard it must be for her to heal when she is around some of the very control that caused the abuse in the first place. It is hard to heal when you are in an abusive enviroment.
I may be out of line but your h is an adult now and can make the choice to be controlled or not. I wonder how perfect his parents marriage really was if he was SRA. Someone did it to him. Where were his parents.
I also had a hard time getting my mind around that fact that my parts were are a part of me. The I was them and they were me. Parts are not a bad thing not really. Parts were/are a way of coping with stress and abuse when we have no other way of protecting ourselves. Parts protect us from the trauma.
He may be disociating when he acts certain ways and may not be aware of it but that does not change the fact that you and your kids are not safe. I am glad to hear that they are older and that at least one of them is working on healing. I understand how hard it must be for her to heal when she is around some of the very control that caused the abuse in the first place. It is hard to heal when you are in an abusive enviroment.
I may be out of line but your h is an adult now and can make the choice to be controlled or not. I wonder how perfect his parents marriage really was if he was SRA. Someone did it to him. Where were his parents.
carpe diem
member since June 2007 more then 2000 posts
member since June 2007 more then 2000 posts
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NancyDrew
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Re: Have to know ***EA VA trigger***
Hi ladysslipper, thanks so much for your posts.....i agree that parts are not a bad thing in themselves. In the past year, i've finally gotten to meet and start knowing some of my own, and love them. They have stories to tell, that i need to hear. They have information that (i) don't have consciously, but desire because i long for all the truth and must have it.
It's been terribly hard for my daughter lately, although i'm trying my absolute best to support her. You worded this well......" I understand how hard it must be for her to heal when she is around some of the very control that caused the abuse in the first place."
I'm trying to gradually help her and my son to become more independent, along with myself. This is really difficult due to so many years of.........?? Not sure what goes here.
Please don't worry about being out of line in speaking what you feel, i appreciate that you do and need the input. I have the greatest difficulty in really hearing and believing what others say about the situation we are in right now.
Where you wrote that my h can make the choice to be controlled or not as an adult......i'm not sure if this is true in our case, because in the past, (even as an adult) i was sooooo controlled by the abuser group that i'm now wondering how much of my life wasn't! Especially when considering major "choices" i made.
It is true though that as soon as i began finding the truth of the abuse out, i have since sought for all truth and struggled to break free from every chain. My h is different than this.....he has never sought for truth, but even represses it in many ways. He would claim that all it takes to be free is to think or believe that you are, no work of any sort.
And i don't believe what he says for a minute that his parent's marriage was and is so perfect.....how could it be when on the morning after their wedding, his dad kicked her out of bed on her behind, asking for his breakfast? My h actually points this out as a positive, as according to him "obedience" is the most important thing in a marriage. Sad. I thought love should have been in there somewhere at the top.
He claims that he doesn't have any parts, and never had any abuse in his life. He claims that the abuser/s hypnotized him into doing things and that's all that ever happened, and i don't believe he'd even go that far if he didn't have to due to our memories. Which, btw, he now is calling into question as maybe the abusers fed us lies and that we can't believe anything we remember.(What?!) I know that the abusers did lie, but that doesn't make the memories lies, you just have to figure out all the details as more comes back. My memories are not just lies fed to me. I choose to believe my irl son and daughter and my own parts who are sharing with me.
Love, Nancy
It's been terribly hard for my daughter lately, although i'm trying my absolute best to support her. You worded this well......" I understand how hard it must be for her to heal when she is around some of the very control that caused the abuse in the first place."
I'm trying to gradually help her and my son to become more independent, along with myself. This is really difficult due to so many years of.........?? Not sure what goes here.
Please don't worry about being out of line in speaking what you feel, i appreciate that you do and need the input. I have the greatest difficulty in really hearing and believing what others say about the situation we are in right now.
Where you wrote that my h can make the choice to be controlled or not as an adult......i'm not sure if this is true in our case, because in the past, (even as an adult) i was sooooo controlled by the abuser group that i'm now wondering how much of my life wasn't! Especially when considering major "choices" i made.
It is true though that as soon as i began finding the truth of the abuse out, i have since sought for all truth and struggled to break free from every chain. My h is different than this.....he has never sought for truth, but even represses it in many ways. He would claim that all it takes to be free is to think or believe that you are, no work of any sort.
And i don't believe what he says for a minute that his parent's marriage was and is so perfect.....how could it be when on the morning after their wedding, his dad kicked her out of bed on her behind, asking for his breakfast? My h actually points this out as a positive, as according to him "obedience" is the most important thing in a marriage. Sad. I thought love should have been in there somewhere at the top.
He claims that he doesn't have any parts, and never had any abuse in his life. He claims that the abuser/s hypnotized him into doing things and that's all that ever happened, and i don't believe he'd even go that far if he didn't have to due to our memories. Which, btw, he now is calling into question as maybe the abusers fed us lies and that we can't believe anything we remember.(What?!) I know that the abusers did lie, but that doesn't make the memories lies, you just have to figure out all the details as more comes back. My memories are not just lies fed to me. I choose to believe my irl son and daughter and my own parts who are sharing with me.
Love, Nancy
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NancyDrew
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Re: Have to know ***EA VA trigger***
Lately things around here seem to be escalating.....especially as i've been trying to talk with a therapist for a few sessions. My h has been shook up and angry beyond all reason, and seems barely able to contain himself. Lots to this which i can't even go into, it's too upsetting.
And recently something else happened that felt like it shook me to the core. I still don't understand what in the world it was all about, and whether i am over-reacting?
I had rented a 1974 movie "For Pete's Sake". It's a comedy, PG rated, and it goes back to my childhood years so i wanted to see it for personal research. I didn't tell my h this- just didn't say a lot about my reasons for renting it.
Altho i'd seen this movie as a child, and probably at least once as an adult, the entire first parts of it were nearly completely missing from my memory. It started to become quite triggering when the wife was going to have to act as a pr*stit*te in her home to pay off a debt. I became furious at the man who arrived and blurted out that he looked like a "mason". (hmmm....clue?)
Well, at that point, my h asked if i'd seen enough while he angrily moved to turn off the movie. I said no that i wanted to continue watching it. He said that HE was triggered and didn't want to see it. I said that was quite fine and paused the show so that i could watch it later alone.
My h went to bed in a fury, and said that he didn't think i was "mentally capable" of watching the movie. I said that i was perfectly capable of it, and just because i showed emotion didn't mean that i was incapable. In other words, what is wrong with me becoming angry during a show?? Isn't that a person's right, when they've been abused and used in such a way? I'm not a robot, and it's a part of healing.
H told me that he didn't want me to see the remainder of the movie at all. I said what???! Why did he care if i watched it by myself? He said that i had no respect for him and because it bothered him, i shouldn't watch it. He said that when i was triggered by a show he was watching he wouldn't. (Actually, when he's alone he watches anything he wants, whether it would trigger me or not.)
H even said that he wondered WHY it triggered him, "hmm!" implying that i may have acted willingly like that in our own home with a man. Actually, that would be blaming a victim, as i was forced into such activities by the abuser group.
I found myself actually saying, "For pete's sake!" as we talked, which lent credibility to my suspicions that there was something about this show in my own programming past.
My h became as angry as i can ever consciously remember him being. He said awful things, and even cursed which he doesn't usually.
Later i saw a bit of preview of this movie online, and the second half of it i actually remembered a lot of from the clips. So i know that the first part i had blocked out, for whatever the reason.
I could not bring myself to watch the rest of it because h told me that he didn't want me to:/ Even though he watches R rated movies constantly, and gave me no good reason. I could just cry even thinking of all this. What is going on with him??? If he even suspects i am researching to find out the truth, this is the kind of thing i'm faced with.
And recently something else happened that felt like it shook me to the core. I still don't understand what in the world it was all about, and whether i am over-reacting?
I had rented a 1974 movie "For Pete's Sake". It's a comedy, PG rated, and it goes back to my childhood years so i wanted to see it for personal research. I didn't tell my h this- just didn't say a lot about my reasons for renting it.
Altho i'd seen this movie as a child, and probably at least once as an adult, the entire first parts of it were nearly completely missing from my memory. It started to become quite triggering when the wife was going to have to act as a pr*stit*te in her home to pay off a debt. I became furious at the man who arrived and blurted out that he looked like a "mason". (hmmm....clue?)
Well, at that point, my h asked if i'd seen enough while he angrily moved to turn off the movie. I said no that i wanted to continue watching it. He said that HE was triggered and didn't want to see it. I said that was quite fine and paused the show so that i could watch it later alone.
My h went to bed in a fury, and said that he didn't think i was "mentally capable" of watching the movie. I said that i was perfectly capable of it, and just because i showed emotion didn't mean that i was incapable. In other words, what is wrong with me becoming angry during a show?? Isn't that a person's right, when they've been abused and used in such a way? I'm not a robot, and it's a part of healing.
H told me that he didn't want me to see the remainder of the movie at all. I said what???! Why did he care if i watched it by myself? He said that i had no respect for him and because it bothered him, i shouldn't watch it. He said that when i was triggered by a show he was watching he wouldn't. (Actually, when he's alone he watches anything he wants, whether it would trigger me or not.)
H even said that he wondered WHY it triggered him, "hmm!" implying that i may have acted willingly like that in our own home with a man. Actually, that would be blaming a victim, as i was forced into such activities by the abuser group.
I found myself actually saying, "For pete's sake!" as we talked, which lent credibility to my suspicions that there was something about this show in my own programming past.
My h became as angry as i can ever consciously remember him being. He said awful things, and even cursed which he doesn't usually.
Later i saw a bit of preview of this movie online, and the second half of it i actually remembered a lot of from the clips. So i know that the first part i had blocked out, for whatever the reason.
I could not bring myself to watch the rest of it because h told me that he didn't want me to:/ Even though he watches R rated movies constantly, and gave me no good reason. I could just cry even thinking of all this. What is going on with him??? If he even suspects i am researching to find out the truth, this is the kind of thing i'm faced with.