egg donor want to "talk" to me

[audacious]

She rarely reaches out. Now she wants to talk to me. I don't want to talk to her. I'm fine with relegating her to someone I can't trust to background noise I must endure. I have a feeling that this is going to be a delineation of every way *I* have hurt *her.* She sent me a text message about something random and I didn't respond, it was late at night and I didn't really care.
I just can't take anything from her. We do not have a close relationship and she has no right to confront me on anything. I don't know what I'm going to do. She wants me to let her know when the best time to talk to her would be and she would see if she could "accommodate" me. I have a mind to just tell her to send it via email because I can't handle her in person... I suppose that would be best.
Feeling very nervous, and shocked. Feel like I'm in trouble. What a test. I feel like the most important thing I can do is protect my inner child from her.
ok. I sent her an email telling her to just email me if it's of an emotional or personal nature. Ack.
Aud

[good2b]

Good for you for setting the boundary. Now I hope she respects it and if she doesnt you will have to enforce it buy refusing to talk to her in person.
Way to go you are taking care of you and should be proud.

[learning]

Aud~

Ugh. I hate it when my mother contacts me with the "when can you talk?" My immediate response is to say something like, "Hmmmm.... I'm really booked up until the day after hell freezes over. We'll chat then."

I think it's a great idea to have her send it via email. In my case, I can't think straight when I'm under the big, intense light of scrutiny that I'm under when I talk to her. Then, afterward, I can't remember exactly what has been said. It's easier for me to have it in writing where I can read when I feel up to it and can re-read if need be. Also, I can respond in a calm and logical way better when I have time to think first.

My foo learned long ago that they can get more from me if they put me on the spot in a direct conversation, so a few years ago, I insisted on them emailing me anything they needed to say that wasn't directly related to the weather, evening news, or other mundane topics. They hated that, as they soon learned that I was much more capable when I had time to think things through.

You need to do what is best for you. You don't have to speak to her if you don't want to. That's one of the joys of healing: the freedom to choose what is best for YOU, regardless of what your foo thinks.

[audacious]

Thanks, good2b and learning.
It turns out it was about money. She can't get to me talking, that's too hard for her. But money is the way she loves, and she's been pretty stingy with it for the last several years. (well, when I was a little kid, too). She seems to need her make Aud cry fix. I'm not going to give it to her. We can talk about this through email. I feel exactly that way, too, Learning, like I don't want to talk about anything but the weather. She cannot be trusted.
Aud

[good2b]

Trying to understand

Is she asking you for money?
if that is the case I would say no way
You dont owe her a thing

[audacious]

Yes, she is, but she is owed. Unfortunately, we are on a cell phone contract with her. We pay her when we get my H's grant money. Which she had said was fine. I guess she's worried she won't get her money, she still wants me to come over and talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure we solved it via email... I thinks she's upset because I haven't been "the good daughter" I used to be (or I tried to be).

[peaceseeker]

I thinks she's upset because I haven't been "the good daughter" I used to be (or I tried to be).

Audacious,

Good for you for not being the "good daughter" any more. I am no longer even a daughter, let alone a "good daughter," and it has brought a lot of freedom to my life.

[lonelylife]

My mother tried the "wants to 'talk'" on and off over the years, and I never did, because it hit me that she never really had anything to talk about when I was living in her house, and also that the things she wanted to talk about didn't even require all those histrionics, and meetings, and summits. It's just alot of blustery BS designed to try to regain control over you, and why should you have to go all the way wherever she lives just to talk about a phone bill. Who goes somewhere to talk about a bill? With my mother, she tried to act like she was going to tell me "something important" when she'd never told me anything important even when I used to think she was the "good" parent.

With the phone itself, if the bill is in your mother's name, she is likely using even that as a means of control. I hope the bill doesn't come to her because she's probably scrutinizing everything on your call list to see who you are communicating with, and copying down the numbers for whatever schemes she might want to launch. I don't know if your situation permits, but the more ties you can break with her, the more peace you can likely attain and if you can put your phone in your name that will be one less foray into your business and from which she can try to wrangle control.

[SparklingDawn]

I agree with peaceseeker. Being a "good daughter" with some mothers, especially narcissistic ones, means you never talk back, you never have your own thoughts or opinions, you never share your own feelings, and you allow her to treat you like pond scum.

Her wanting to talk to you only sounds like an opportunity for her to hurt you. Protect yourself, whatever you must do.

So sorry about this.......how frustrating for you.

[audacious]

She's admitted that it's not about the money. She says she wants to spend time with me (which is only going to amount to about 30 minutes... H has to work), that we should have our relationships i order(as if that could ever be accomplished in 30 minutes, let alone a lifetime), because you never know. This is messing with me a little bit because I have been thinking about how when she dies, my brother is going to run this funeral... which I am fine with at this point (I wasn't). Then I thought, what if she has lung cancer or something. What if she wants to tell me?
But then I remember an uncle of hers was dying recently, he's probably passed. Getting her relationships in order isn't something she would come up with. I'm positive it was advice from an older aunt.
I feel torn, because inner child thinks there's some chance that we're going to get validation. But I know we won't. I feel committed to protecting inner child. I don't know if even going in there detached is enough to show inner child that I'm looking out for her? And that I can leave the minute she even remotely attacks me (verbally/emotionally, she hasn't touched me since I was 16).
Unsure of what I'm going to do. Feel very conflicted.