I wrote this on my “on the chessboard” thread but I decided to put it in a separate one just because I figured more people might see it this way and I’m curious what people’s’ take on this is. Maybe someone can relate or help me make sense of this.
You can view at viewtopic.php?p=238219#p238219
An old home video
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Chessgirl
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An old home video
Last edited by Harmony on Fri Aug 20, 2021 9:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: edited duplicate post per forum guidelines
Reason: edited duplicate post per forum guidelines
Chessgirl♟
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greendreamdays
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Re: An old home video
So everyone knows, the link goes to a post on Chessgirl's thread about a home video.
Hi Chessgirl,
That is heartbreaking. Children, especially as young as three tend to be ego-centric. It's age-appropriate development for infants to want things for themselves, not want to share, to demand their needs be met without thinking twice, and generally think they are the center of the universe, because for all they know they are. What happened to you must have been extremely damaging to your sense of self and your self esteem.
I can't pretend I know exactly what you were feeling in that video but I remember feeling very guilty when people tried to give me gifts when I was young that I didn't feel like I somehow earned. I could only deserve good things by suffering. So if I wasn't suffering then I didn't deserve anything nice or good, and if I accepted them anyway then I thought I was selfish which was the worst thing I thought anyone could be. Growing up I was frequently told I was selfish and thoughtless. So I became extremely "selfless" and obsessively vigilant by constantly over-giving and overly conscious of my image and how I appeared to others.
When I watch home videos it very much seems like the perfect life. It surprised me. My parents were still married, they played with me, paid attention to me, made funny faces at the camera. I can't identify anything disturbing in my own behavior, but I knew that I was suffering even if I didn't show it. It makes me feel like the video is gaslighting me, but I know what I felt and I don't watch those videos anymore.
I get really dissociated when I watch myself on camera too. It's like I'm watching someone else. Pictures too. Even reading old journal entries. It makes sense that seeing your home video would be really triggering because you recognize the obvious signs of distress in your own behavior even as young as 3. And everyone around seemed so oblivious. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that separates you from the feelings of your reality. If watching the video is really triggering you it sounds like it is trying to protect you from some really powerful feelings. It might be a good idea to take a step back from it.
Hi Chessgirl,
That is heartbreaking. Children, especially as young as three tend to be ego-centric. It's age-appropriate development for infants to want things for themselves, not want to share, to demand their needs be met without thinking twice, and generally think they are the center of the universe, because for all they know they are. What happened to you must have been extremely damaging to your sense of self and your self esteem.
I can't pretend I know exactly what you were feeling in that video but I remember feeling very guilty when people tried to give me gifts when I was young that I didn't feel like I somehow earned. I could only deserve good things by suffering. So if I wasn't suffering then I didn't deserve anything nice or good, and if I accepted them anyway then I thought I was selfish which was the worst thing I thought anyone could be. Growing up I was frequently told I was selfish and thoughtless. So I became extremely "selfless" and obsessively vigilant by constantly over-giving and overly conscious of my image and how I appeared to others.
When I watch home videos it very much seems like the perfect life. It surprised me. My parents were still married, they played with me, paid attention to me, made funny faces at the camera. I can't identify anything disturbing in my own behavior, but I knew that I was suffering even if I didn't show it. It makes me feel like the video is gaslighting me, but I know what I felt and I don't watch those videos anymore.
I get really dissociated when I watch myself on camera too. It's like I'm watching someone else. Pictures too. Even reading old journal entries. It makes sense that seeing your home video would be really triggering because you recognize the obvious signs of distress in your own behavior even as young as 3. And everyone around seemed so oblivious. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that separates you from the feelings of your reality. If watching the video is really triggering you it sounds like it is trying to protect you from some really powerful feelings. It might be a good idea to take a step back from it.
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Chessgirl
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Re: An old home video
Greendreamdays
Thank you for the validation. I found it strange And disturbing that I was not as egocentric as most kids that age. It makes sense why I’ve always had trouble with people pleasing. Being overly generous. Never feeling I deserved good things. That must be where a lot of the self destruction and sabotage has come into play. I’m so sorry you were called selfish so often. I was too. It really takes a toll on self esteem. I hate that you experienced this. It is probably wise to take a step back from the videos. Thank you so much for your input and sharing your experiences with me. I appreciate you writing back and supporting me.
Thank you for the validation. I found it strange And disturbing that I was not as egocentric as most kids that age. It makes sense why I’ve always had trouble with people pleasing. Being overly generous. Never feeling I deserved good things. That must be where a lot of the self destruction and sabotage has come into play. I’m so sorry you were called selfish so often. I was too. It really takes a toll on self esteem. I hate that you experienced this. It is probably wise to take a step back from the videos. Thank you so much for your input and sharing your experiences with me. I appreciate you writing back and supporting me.
Chessgirl♟
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Progress
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Re: An old home video
Hi Chessgirl,
Yeah, your old video reminds of a couple things from my own life that seem kind of similar. My mother had a stack of old pictures of me, from infancy through elementary school. I just couldn’t find even one smile on my face until older childhood. I look sad and scared in every picture of my younger childhood.
And gifts. Oh boy, I haven’t uncovered the issue quite yet, but I do know that any time I am receiving a gift, no matter from who, I feel sick to my stomach, a little scared, and extremely defensive. I’ve been trying to put on a happy, grateful face for decades. I suppose your issue with gifts may be a little bit different from mine. Sounds like you didn’t feel you deserved a gift? For whatever reason, I was extremely suspicious of gifts.
Anyway, I just thought I’d throw my two cents in there to offer support and caring and understanding. Some similarities. Some differences. But it’s all definitely signs of not particularly happy childhoods. Makes me sad.
Caring,
Progress
Yeah, your old video reminds of a couple things from my own life that seem kind of similar. My mother had a stack of old pictures of me, from infancy through elementary school. I just couldn’t find even one smile on my face until older childhood. I look sad and scared in every picture of my younger childhood.
And gifts. Oh boy, I haven’t uncovered the issue quite yet, but I do know that any time I am receiving a gift, no matter from who, I feel sick to my stomach, a little scared, and extremely defensive. I’ve been trying to put on a happy, grateful face for decades. I suppose your issue with gifts may be a little bit different from mine. Sounds like you didn’t feel you deserved a gift? For whatever reason, I was extremely suspicious of gifts.
Anyway, I just thought I’d throw my two cents in there to offer support and caring and understanding. Some similarities. Some differences. But it’s all definitely signs of not particularly happy childhoods. Makes me sad.
Caring,
Progress