Needing to focus on how my physical abuse affected me to move forward

[GreenTomatoe]

I’m realizing I’ve focused so much on my CSA, that I really haven’t focused on how much the physical abuse affected me. Especially not when I was in therapy. Now that I am better with having accepted that the sexual abuse happened to me and that I’m no longer having ptsd symptoms so heavily and way less with that, I think it’s time I focus on how my physical abuse affected me.

I thought I was done. But nope. Now I gotta work through the physical abuse I endured. I haven’t even thought of needing to do that because I thought my sexual abuse was the root of all of my cptsd. I really stupidly thought that. Omg. I feel relieved actually weirdly. Maybe it’s because it’s less painful than working through my CSA. Like I have more to work on and that’s good because then I can start expressing my pain…wow….realizing the damage that he did to me. That those men did to me. Wow…what the fuck they are sick…just sick…

[earthhorse]

Hey Greentomatoes,

First of all amazing you have come so far. Definitely worth a victory march. Seems a lot to be proud of.

Yeah... I love the way you describe both the relief and disappointment. It is really hard to actually get how warped or just plan wrong dad's can be. Some illusions just can't all be broken at once.

I sort of realized a while ago that emotional abuse is at the heart of all forms of abuse and perhaps also what ends up yramatizing me. So I work with emotional charge. How charged something is for me, not just how bad. It's the betrayal and conditioning in the end that hurt the most. Especially because I was hurt so much sexually and physically, it all just got dissociated, even if it's still giving me PTS, it is the things though that I feel the most deeply that give me access to resolving and processing the trauma.

You got this!

Love, EH

[Qwerty]

Hi Greentomatoes,
I resonate with your post. My sexual abusers were not the same people as my physical abusers. And working through the trauma of those things are very different. I hate my physical abusers more.
They were monsters. Real monsters.
Your post reminded me of basic training in the military. On our particular base there was a large Mc Donalds sign visible from the running track. Running toward the sign we would be encouraged that we would be rewarded with food at the end of our run, but when the track veared away we would put in the hard work knowing on the other side there was a sign of hope.
It was a silly mind game we played, but it helped keep our minds off the intense heat and pain of running long distance.
Therapy is the same way I suppose. We celebrate our victories of working through trauma. Our reward is a sign of hope. Then we get back to work to rummage through what's left, building a habit of Resilience and strength.

[GreenTomatoe]

On our particular base there was a large Mc Donalds sign visible from the running track. Running toward the sign we would be encouraged that we would be rewarded with food at the end of our run, but when the track veared away we would put in the hard work knowing on the other side there was a sign of hope.

I love the McDonald’s analogy thank you. That’s a beautiful way of looking at it.