2017

[Nelll]

Hello,
I've been thinking recently about my timeline of events. Really doing some self work to figure things out and make it clearer to me as to why I've done certain things or reacted in certain ways.
It brought me to a very strange thought.
The year 2017 was a horrible year for me, I didn't even realise how bad it was untill this month, where I actually gave it some real thought.
In 2017 I was in a really strange relationship, we never spoke, even day to day things. I fell into an all round silence. Im a very quiet person anyway but the thought of speaking to anyone about anything back then, made me put a lock on his bedroom door so that I could lock myself away when someone was at the house.
So at the beginning of the year, the situation with my cousin happened. I was obviously very broken after that and was just in a whirlwind of sadness.
Maybe a month or so later, a taxi driver took an interest in me. I was 17. He would pick me up from work (it always seemed to be him) and take me home everyday. Almost like he looked s the address and wanted to do it. He would also say how he wished I was older so he could take me out. I would always laugh and say I had a boyfriend anyway.
I began to get alittle freaked out and would text my friend when I got in and out of the cab. The last time I drove with this particular taxi service, he took me away against my will. We went to a restaurant and he told me he was taking me on a "date" no matter how much I said I didn't want to, it didn't matter.
When we got the the place, I was familiar with the area and considered just running. But I have asthma and can't run far or quickly without having to stop. So I thought my best option was to speak with the staff at the restaurant. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, I walked towards the kitchen and they hurried me away and said they would speak to me at my table. Which obviously wouldn't work. I asked a few other members also and got told the same thing before finishing my sentence. He eventually took me home after I pushed some food around my plate. He asked to use the bathroom. I even lied and said my dad was home so he couldn't, but he said oh well his car isn't there, don't lie to me.
He used my bathroom and I waited by the front door waiting for him to leave and I could lock the door after him but he was taking forever. I peaked down the hall and saw him wondering into my bedroom. Confused I slowly walked down to see what he was doing. He was getting undressed. He raped me in my own home. My own bed.

After that, taxis were a no go. But one day I had to get one. I ordered from a place I had never got a taxi from before, my name wouldn't be recognised nor would my address. And guess who shows up... he had moved company.
I refused to get in and ordered from another place.
Gosh this is a long post, sorry.

As you can imagine after these two events, I was broken. I had no support from my partner at the time and he didn't really care. It was to much for him to comprehend so he just didn't. I don't really blame him for that, I felt the same.

But that autumn (the above happened all before June) I met K (my current partners brother) and I guess it just shows how hard I was spiralling out control. I was doing alot of drugs. Cocaine on a Wednesday and ecstacy on the weekends, to be exact. I then spent about 4 days on acid.
I accepted what K had been putting me through, my mind was so full of abuse I just accepted anything. I felt like I deserved it. I also felt I was the strongest I had ever been, just because I was able to push it all down and not kill myself. I know now that I was not strong, just so incredibly hurt.

I ended things with K in 2019 in march time. Since then I have been reflecting on things and in the last month I have really really been reflecting. And that year was absolutely crazy. And now two years later I can allow myself to truly heal from it. It may have taken a some time, but I am now taking the first steps into really dealing with this.

A little edit, I just read that back I hope it doesn't seem like I imply I'm the only one to feel this way. I didn't mean for it to sound that way.

Thank you if you have read this far.
Nell

[greendreamdays]

Hi Nelll,

No need to apologize for the length of the post.

I'm sorry people didn't help you when you needed it.

As you can imagine after these two events, I was broken. I had no support from my partner at the time and he didn't really care. It was to much for him to comprehend so he just didn't. I don't really blame him for that, I felt the same.

I too feel indifferent about my own trauma, unable to fully comprehend how devastating it has been. When I read other people's stories I can feel the horror and the wrongness. But with my own it's like that emotional part of my brain shuts off to protect me. What happened to you was wrong and I'm sorry that it happened. I feel broken too.

[MerryRose]

Nell, thank you for writing that out and sharing. As I was reading the part in the restaurant, I wanted to shout at the staff myself, "Help! Help! Please help" I'm sorry that they didn't. And I'm sorry that what happened next happened in your home, your bed, your space.


You did not deserve any of the abuse that happened to you. None of it.

[Nelll]

Greendreamdays,
Thank you for responding here.
I'm also sorry that you can relate to feeling that way. But I do think your right, we have ways to protect ourselves without even knowing it. Sometimes I wonder if it's what my brain needs (to shut it out) the same way I need to drink water and eat foods.

I hope that over time you can come to a stage in your healing journey that you are able to comprehend that alittle more. It's very hard but I am glad that I am now at that stage, a few years on. But for now, you're doing so well. You may feel broken but please know you are so strong and brave, even on bad days. Please remember that every "good day" is different.

Thinking of you,
Nelll

[Nelll]

merryrose,
Thank you too for responding, it's amazing how you can feel not so alone when people simply type a response to you. No matter how big or small, it's hugely appreciated.

Now when I think back to it, I wonder why I didn't just say what I needed to before they were able to shew me away. But I guess like every other event, it just wasn't that easy.

Thank you for your final comments there to.
I hope you're having a good day,
Nelll