Connecting with my inner child (I think)

[Crow]

Before I joined isurvive I minimised my abuse. I didn't realise how hurt I was or how deeply my childhood had affected me. But now, after nine months here, I realise just how much I have been hurt. I realise that maybe I am worth something after all.

Something so wonderful happened in the chat room the other night. It was possibly the first time I spontaneously and freely without thought, allowed my inner child to speak for me. (I still find that weird to say, because this inner child stuff is so new to me.)
I had never come across somewhere where adults are encouraged to allow their inner child or child side of them to be free. I have witnessed in posts on the forum and in chat how members talk to each other and comfort their little selves at times... and allow play and imagination to just be, but I have not really entertained it myself.

I had spent hours the other late afternoon and evening so upset... taking myself into my bedroom to hide from my wife and children so that I could freely sob into my pillow and feel my feelings. I told myself that day that I wasn't coming back on the forum. I told myself I wouldn't go into chat. But that evening I knew that two supportive people I have grown to love so much here would be in the chat room at that time.

I entered the chat room tentatively, said hello and asked how they were, and asked if it was okay to just sit quietly in the corner and listen. I needed to be 'with' people I knew understood. Just to 'be' and have caring company. Whilst I sat on the floor in the corner of the room, with permission by those two members to just sit with them, I let them know that I was crying. I then asked for a blanket and some tissues. One passed me a blanket, and the other the tissues. Safe hugs were offered and we all snuggled up under the blanket together.
We talked and I got upset, and more hugs were offered... one at a time by each. I then suggested a group hug under the blanket in safety, and quickly it was agreed. We shared a moment of carefree, uninhibited childlike fun.

For me that was the first time I have felt so comfortable in my own pain with others. Not many words, just a connection through our shared experiences of pain and suffering, and how we still are affected by it each day.
I'm a grown man, yet I cannot fully explain how I felt in that moment for half an hour. Talking about it seems strange outside of that moment of connecting as 'children'. But what is amazing is that gender and age was no barrier. It was safe. It was a brief moment of genuine fun as a child. I'm tearing up writing this. I have made some friends here. They have helped me so much. I think it's a mixture of being accepted despite my flaws, accepted despite my over sharing, accepting that I'm more hurt and more affected than I ever realised, and that I'm in a way grieving for a child so wounded.

Honestly, I've never come across anywhere that people are so open to (and have opened my eyes to) the child within us. The other night was a beautiful moment for me. Thank you to both of you wonderful members who loved me and cared for me the other evening as I should have been as a child myself all those years ago.

Crow

[greendreamdays]

Hi Crow, this is such a beautiful post! I am glad you shared. It gives me so much hope when I hear of experiences like this. It sounds immensely healing.

[Crow]

Hey greendreamdays,

You are very welcome. I keep thinking about that moment... and maybe it was only me that felt it, but it was very healing and very much a huge memory for me to hold onto... and for little me to keep smiling at. (I'm picturing cheeky seven year old me as I think of it.)

Crow

[MerryRose]

Crow, I'm really glad that 7 year old you has something safe and warm to recall and smile at.