Old religious

[greendreamdays]

I'll get right to it.

My ex-stepdad who molested me held a position in the church. It’s one of the higher-ranking positions without being a priest. I think he largely did it to appease his own conscience.

Recently I came across some old photos from church, icons, crosses, and other religious memorabilia. He does not currently attend our old church to my knowledge. Seeing those old photos of him and of me when I was much younger made the abuse seem more real. There are some items I think I may return to the church. I can’t bring myself to throw them away but I also don’t want to keep them.

I am not a part of the church anymore and haven’t been for years. All I will say is that it is a small church and a lesser-known Christian religion. It is not a church known for sexual abuse like many other Christian institutions. However I received a lot of messages and social programming that made me more vulnerable to abuse and less mentally resilient.

Especially during lent. For lent you try to abstain from the deadly sins, in thoughts, words, and action. And also eating vegetarian for the 40 days in addition to avoiding especially rich food and dessert of any kind. In Sunday school our teacher taught us that during lent we should always be a little bit hungry after a meal, and feeling the pang of hunger would remind us to be grateful for what we have, bringing attention to the mindless gluttony and slothfulness we engage in during the rest of the year. We were taught to abstain from gossip, to not complain, to not speak needlessly to fill the silence, avoid speaking unless spoken to, to not burden other people with your problems, and not to tell others outside the church who do not observe our lent about how hard lent is. Being hungry and not complaining about it was an expected part of lent.

There were all sorts of complicated social rules. If you were going to a friend’s house where you know they did not observe lent, where there would be meat and dairy and possibly dessert, you should eat whatever they serve and not force them to make special dietary accommodations just for you as this would be seen as vain and selfish and drawing unnecessary attention to your personal struggles and piety. It wouldn't be very pious if you boast about how easily you are fasting.

During lent they encouraged smaller portions. These messages combined with emotional, psychological, physical, and sexual abuse at home lead to a lifetime of secrecy, eating disorders, and self-harm, among other things.

Maybe it doesn't seem that bad. But the kind of mental strain it caused in feeling that emotional outlets are inherently selfish and sinful became almost unbearable even years after leaving the church. It has taken a lot of time and energy to realize how many early messages about food, comfort, and pleasure were villainized by the church.

I don’t know what more to say about it. I just wanted to get it out.

[greendreamdays]

I feel so anxious about posting this. It makes me feel disgusting. I want to delete it but I know we're not supposed to. I want to apologize for writing anything at all. When I was in the hospital recovering from a suicide attempt a few years ago, I ended up sharing some things about my childhood with the nurse who was my sitter at the time. I don't know what I even told her. I just know that it was late at night and I disclosed something personal to her because I felt like she was a safe person to talk to. And then I started crying and apologizing for telling her anything and I felt consumed by shame. She seemed a little confused or maybe surprised. I couldn't stop apologizing and it felt exactly like this.

[MerryRose]

Greendreamdays, I have shared some things here over the last week that are just horrifying to me, and have made me feel what sounds like similar to how you are feeling now. Everyone who has read and replied has been very understanding.

I think what you wrote is important. It gives context. As an adult, I practice a faith that I was not raised in. While I have chosen it, and as an adult, I get to control what my observance looks like, I think that religious teaching can SO easily be manipulated to lay the groundwork for abuse. We are taught to deny ourselves. Not to complain. To submit to authority. Not to question authority. To keep secrets if the info would make the church or its leaders look bad. (I've never wanted to keep the secret of someone behaving in harmful ways, but there are times as an adult, I've been silenced when I tried to say anything.

And if your abuser held a position in the church, I'm sure he thought that was to his advantage. I'm sure he felt it would make people less likely to believe you if you said anything, because they would say, "How could he be capable of that?!" But he was capable. And I'm sorry he put you through that.

What you shared is important.

[Serenity]

greendreamdays,

Sharing these things can be a very hard, scary, and draining experience. Especially when we're used to holding it all in. Thank you for trusting us with your words, and your truths. I believe you'll find that others here can relate, and will understand. This is a safe place to talk about whatever you need to. You will be heard, and believed, and never judged. You never have to apologize for sharing your truth.

With care,
Serenity

[Crow]

Hi greendreamdays,

I just wanted to chip in on the lent, fasting and social rules you mention. A lot of that is written in Biblical texts as you know, however many churches, and false teachers either knowingly or unknowingly, teach these passages out of context and for some sort of control in my opinion. All I want to say is that when these things are read in context and compared to other passages of scripture (golden rule is that scripture interprets scripture, along with context, context, context), these things are about the inward desire rather than putting on a pious show to others and complaining to make people aware of how great your efforts or sufferings are... that would be like the pharisees of Jesus' day when he walked this earth. Things should be done and seen by God rather than a show to men.
I do understand what you are saying though.

I understand how church teachings can mess up your mind. I became a Christian seven years ago, and as an adult who was abused as a child, I was ripe for indoctrination and gobbling up lies from those with sinister agendas. My time in churches has affected me, and in particular the feelings I have surrounding how I deal with feelings of my abuse.

I also wanted to say that I understand your wanting to delete posts... believe me, there have been several things I have posted of late that I hate are here on this site.

Crow