Emotional abuse and its effects

[Crow]

Hi everyone,

I know I've posted a few things here as of late. Just having a bit of a tough time with myself at the moment.

On most occasions I tend to post when I'm not feeling super emotional or triggered... but... I just need to post this.
I know so many of us here relate to feeling let down. We hurt when others hurt us. And we are extremely disappointed when people are hypocrites. Emotional abuse really has hurt me... and I think I speak for all of us here with that.

Okay. What's triggered me? People who say one thing and do another. Also... People who don't show common courtesy. People who knowingly or not give false hope or even ignore you. (I'm talking day to day away from this forum.)

I always try to look at all possibilities in situations. Look for plausible reasons for people's actions or lack of. I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. But when it's one thing after another it gets tiring. No. More than tiring... it hurts and I hate it!
So what's the issue?
Numerous things. People, organisations, and me feeling like it's personal.
It's either people saying in person or via email that they will do something, and then don't. Or it's when I email someone and I receive no acknowledgement.

I emailed my daughter's school about quite a big thing, and they email back to say they'll discuss and come back to me. Seven months on and nothing. (Admittedly that issue cleared itself up until recently.) I emailed again today.

Numerous emails to letting agent over the past seven months about maintenance issues and concerns, and several no replies or acknowledgements. And numerous promises to call or get contractors out immediately, and so often just left and ignored.

An email to the school head teacher a few weeks ago about a major issue, and two weeks on..  no reply. (Granted, he did call me within minutes of my sending the email, but he said he would discuss and come back to me.)

That same head teacher a 18 months ago told me he would personally let me know the outcome of a job application that I put in following discussing my applying for the position with him, and he never did... no one came back to me.

Churches... so often we have been told that they will do this or that, and tell us they will call us... nothing.

I saw a previous church pastor the other day when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my regular medication for migraines and asthma, and he called over to me. We briefly chatted and he said he had to go, but would call me later... that was last week!

I emailed the local authority (county council) from a concerned resident and survivor point of view and heard nothing. I followed it up and had an auto reply stating when they would come back to me... those timescales have long passed, and still nothing!

I email people in general about stuff and I hear nothing, and no acknowledgement and it plays on my mind... what have I done? It must just be me...

They are just a few examples as of late.

All my life people have been hypocrites. People let me down. They say one thing and do another. Or they ignore me.
Now, it may be that people are busy. Or they may use the Covid excuse to excuse their laziness. But despite anyone's sensitivity, or personal relationship with rejection, or their own standards... there is still room for courtesy.
People will say that everyone does it. Or that the world is selfish now. Or, people are busy. That is the problem! Too many people just blend in. Too many people say "well everyone else does it, so why shouldn't I now?!" Well that is how society has got into this mess. People don't stand up for what is right, just, or fair, or just plain courteous any more. Let your yes be yes and your no be no!

Sorry to rant. I have sat back and kept my mouth shut due to conditioning and emotional and physical abuse for so many years. I am too scared to speak up so often. When I do I worry that I have upset people, when I really haven't. But that is abuse. That is how it has affected me. I feel pathetic typing this out and posting it. But maybe the hurt little boy in me is screaming for fairness... to be seen... to be heard... in normal every day interactions.

It's not fair. People are not fair.

I don't want to feel like this. I wish I could be tougher and just not care. I wish I could not take things so personally.

I feel like that unseen, unwanted, rejected and fobbed off little boy at the moment.
I'm not a spoiled brat honest. I just want the world to treat me and others right. Unfortunately that isn't likely to happen.

Just want to cry and curl up in the corner... alone and forgotten.

[OneThousandApologies]

Crow,

Thank you for posting this, not only for yourself but for others as well. I'm m glad your speaking up even if its just on here. Things like that have been happening to me a lot lately as well. I always brush it off "they must be busy" "it's OK if they forgot" stupid excuses like that. I always try to see every side of the situation as well, but sometimes there is no side. Just plain laziness or lack of decency. I usually just brush it off and keep myself so busy I don't have time to think (I've been doing this my whole life so I don't have to cope or deal with anything). But reading your post angered me (at least I'm finally feeling something). I don't understand people. How is it ok to go back on your word? How is it ok to forget about people? How is it ok to just dismiss a parent who is trying to be heard at their kid's school? Seriously, are there really no decent people out there anymore? How hard is it to realize, oh, I haven't touched base with this person in a month and pick up the phone "hey, I've been busy lately but I wanted to let you know I'm still inquiring about your email, I don't have an update but I didn't forget about you" click. Or send that in an email. People are busy. I get it. I live off of writing myself reminders in my phone about important stuff or putting a sticky note on something I see everyday as a reminder. It's not that hard.

I guess I fed off your post.. what I really mean is that your not alone, you are heard and I agree with you 100%

OneThousandApologies

Edited due to unclarity of word choice in a sentence

[greendreamdays]

Hi Crow,

I'm sorry, this sounds really painful. I also find it triggering when people say one thing and do another, especially after experiencing a lot of gaslighting in my life. I have no excuses for the people you are trying to communicate with. It is really frustrating. I hope you are still able to be kind to yourself and to see, feel, and understand yourself, and know that you are wanted and loved.

[Crow]

Hi OneThousandApologies & greendreamdays,

Part of me is glad that you both understand this as it makes me feel justified in my feelings. (Started wondering if I have high expectations, but seeing your replies and also trying to be kind to myself and ignore the inner critic, has reminded me that no, I don't. The world is a little too self centred these days.)
But a lot of me hurts that you both also know those very feelings.
But as I am starting to find a little confidence to speak up for myself, I am starting to get some results. What I have to remind myself is that I can only lead by example, do as I wish to be done to myself, and influence where I can. I cannot control others' actions so I need to try and not stress about that. It's then how I handle myself in the midst of frustration that I need to keep in check.

Appreciate you both replying.

Crow

Edit: To correct spelling.

[OneThousandApologies]

Crow,

The world definitely has become self centered these days unfortunately.

I am glad that your finding your voice to speak up for yourself.

What I have to remind myself is that I can only lead by example, do as I wish to be done to myself, and influence where I can. I cannot control orhers' actions so I need to try and not stress about that. It's then how I handle myself in the midst of frustration that I need to keep in check.

That is a great reminder I need to do for myself as well! Thank you for sharing.
I hope you are doing better

OneThousandApologies

[Crow]

No problem OneThousandApologies. I feel safer with my new found voice when behind a screen, but ask me to do the same face to face or on the phone and I cannot.

Feeling a bit more balanced in my emotions today, thank you for asking.
Hope all is well with you (as far as it can be of course).

Crow

[OneThousandApologies]

Crow,

I know exactly what you mean. Even with friends or family, even if we are in the same room I have to text them about certain stuff, they know to text me back, even if we are alone. I hate it. I wish I had the courage to just say what I need or want to say face to face. I can do over the phone if it's dealing with the internet company because they messed up my bill again or something similar. But anything else is a no go.

I am glad you are feeling more balanced today.
I'm ok. Today was pretty rough but I don't know how to be anything but ok. Thank you for asking.

OneThousandApologies