They “don’t remember”
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Chessgirl
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They “don’t remember”
When I had lunch with my aunt (to tell her about the abuse I suffered) she asked if I had brought this up to my parents and I had to tell her that they claim they “don’t remember”. Whenever I reminded my mom about calling me these awful names, slapping me in the face and beating me with a belt, she said she didn’t remember. When I confronted my brother and asked if he remembered any of it or when I would hide behind him as he begged my mom not to beat me (how in the world could he not remember that) he claims he doesn’t remember. My dad also always says “I don’t remember THAT”. Is it possible that they really don’t remember? I read that narcissistic people can actual block out things in their mind if they make them feel negatively about themselves. This could maybe account for my mother’s memory troubles. I wonder if my dad could have forgotten many things due to being so stressed all the time? Like maybe something I will never forget could have meant nothing to him at the time? I just don’t understand if it’s possible for them to not remember all these things that damaged me as a kid. Do you think it’s just typical abuser and enabler behavior to pretend they don’t remember? I know I’ve heard many people on here say their abuser claims to not remember either. I just can’t figure out in my case if they really don’t remember or if they are lying. For some reason it really bothers me. The psychic told me that there would be a reunion with me and my family in the future and ever since she said that I just have so many questions. Like how could they not remember?
Chessgirl♟
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Crow
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Hi Chessgirl,
I'd say it's typical abuser behaviour. They don't want to admit it. Enablers too. When I talked to my dad nearly two years ago about it, he claims he didn't know and doesn't remember. That just isn't true.
I cannot say I understand how someone can't remember that sort of behaviour. So as to blocking it out and genuinely not remembering, I don't know, but I can't see how someone could.
It is possible that your brother may not remember, because after all he was living in the same house and witnessing your abuse and your mother's behaviour. And from what you have said about their questionable relationship, it could be that he has buried the memories as a way to deal with his own trauma.
If your mother is a narcissist, she won't see it as wrong behaviour as I understand (limited at that) narcissism. But to not remember... sort of falls under gaslighting to me.
I can't really add much more insight than that I'm afraid!
Crow
I'd say it's typical abuser behaviour. They don't want to admit it. Enablers too. When I talked to my dad nearly two years ago about it, he claims he didn't know and doesn't remember. That just isn't true.
I cannot say I understand how someone can't remember that sort of behaviour. So as to blocking it out and genuinely not remembering, I don't know, but I can't see how someone could.
It is possible that your brother may not remember, because after all he was living in the same house and witnessing your abuse and your mother's behaviour. And from what you have said about their questionable relationship, it could be that he has buried the memories as a way to deal with his own trauma.
If your mother is a narcissist, she won't see it as wrong behaviour as I understand (limited at that) narcissism. But to not remember... sort of falls under gaslighting to me.
I can't really add much more insight than that I'm afraid!
Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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Chessgirl
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Thanks crow. Yeah that is frustrating about your dad. Very similar to my own. To my understanding, my mom probably feels justified in everything she has done. If she feels justified I wish she would just admit it instead of saying she doesn’t remember. That is so cowardly to me... to pretend not to remember, especially if you feel justified in what you did. I know some people do block stuff out but I doubt she would have full amnesia. I think my brother deep down remembers, but like you said l, it’s probably something he doesn’t want to remember and has probably buried. This really makes me furious that, as a brother, he won’t face up to our abuse for me. It is obvious I have been effected in such a negative way. I also am angry that my dad always claims not to remember. I just want to write them all a letter telling them they are lying! Ugh... sorry I wish I could get over it. Thanks for listening crow.
Chessgirl♟
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Crow
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Hey Chessgirl,
Crow
Well, it is unjust and it hurts, so it's not something you can just get over. Be kind to yourself.
Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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earthhorse
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Wow. I don't know how to explain their behavior, honestly I think you have it better worked out than I. But you are not alone. There are so many stories I can tell from personal experience and from the experiences others have shared with me that match yours of your parents claiming not to remember. Like my housemate a while back, the family were sitting down watching TV and there was a documentary on about child abuse and physical violence. And my house mates father said, 'O imagine that! How could anyone do that to a child!" And my house mate was deeply shocked, sitting right next to her dad- she said "But Dad you do that to me all the time"... How on earth do they do it? How can they 'forget'.
My mother was the same, she beat my little brother daily and brutally while he was growing up form infancy - it was a nightmare. My father beat him too even stripping branches and using his belt. Later, my mother until she was blue in the face denied that she was a child beater. But I saw it too. Her denial, it's astounding.
Another story... a friend of mines' father had bipolar. He was a very creative man, but he suffered psychosis. He went upstairs and turned on the tap water to flood the bathroom so it eventually spilled out and went down the stairs. My friend was nowhere near him or the house when it happened, everyone in the family was aware of this. However, he insisted it was her, my friend, who did it. And then her mother backed up her father. It was patently false. Why? How do people manage to live with such cognitive dissonance?
I remember when I was bullied at school. On the last day three boys tried to break my arm. I ran home. My father told me it was all my fault. Because I am a little b*. Later I reminded him of this. He had no memory of saying this or of that happening to me, he said. I mean I had to change schools, it was a huge deal at the time. It was so frequent with him, I wonder if he actually had any memory of the last 10 minutes. I wish I understood it.
But I've seen it happen so many times, in so many families... I could go on and on.
It might help to look into family systems. There is a lot I gained from it. Because I was so thoroughly gaslighted, it was hard to work out how I could experience something, that everyone in the family denied happened. I had to gain a lot of subtle understanding of the family dynamic to break the conditioning.
Often the 'crazy ones', the scapegoats in the family, are the ones who carry the truth of what happened. We are the ones with the least strong ties to the family, we risk the least by breaking the attachment. But conversely we're the scapegoat because we are perceived as having the least power or status. We are taught all our lives to doubt ourselves, and to be the patsy, to take the blame.
I hope your aunt believed you and supported you. You deserve to be heard at last. What you survived was awful. It happened.
You deserve support now, and there needs to be big changes. It's so right that you talk about, and confront what happened.
You are brave and beautiful and strong and so alive. You are saner and stronger than your parents.
Love,
EH
My mother was the same, she beat my little brother daily and brutally while he was growing up form infancy - it was a nightmare. My father beat him too even stripping branches and using his belt. Later, my mother until she was blue in the face denied that she was a child beater. But I saw it too. Her denial, it's astounding.
Another story... a friend of mines' father had bipolar. He was a very creative man, but he suffered psychosis. He went upstairs and turned on the tap water to flood the bathroom so it eventually spilled out and went down the stairs. My friend was nowhere near him or the house when it happened, everyone in the family was aware of this. However, he insisted it was her, my friend, who did it. And then her mother backed up her father. It was patently false. Why? How do people manage to live with such cognitive dissonance?
I remember when I was bullied at school. On the last day three boys tried to break my arm. I ran home. My father told me it was all my fault. Because I am a little b*. Later I reminded him of this. He had no memory of saying this or of that happening to me, he said. I mean I had to change schools, it was a huge deal at the time. It was so frequent with him, I wonder if he actually had any memory of the last 10 minutes. I wish I understood it.
But I've seen it happen so many times, in so many families... I could go on and on.
It might help to look into family systems. There is a lot I gained from it. Because I was so thoroughly gaslighted, it was hard to work out how I could experience something, that everyone in the family denied happened. I had to gain a lot of subtle understanding of the family dynamic to break the conditioning.
Often the 'crazy ones', the scapegoats in the family, are the ones who carry the truth of what happened. We are the ones with the least strong ties to the family, we risk the least by breaking the attachment. But conversely we're the scapegoat because we are perceived as having the least power or status. We are taught all our lives to doubt ourselves, and to be the patsy, to take the blame.
I hope your aunt believed you and supported you. You deserve to be heard at last. What you survived was awful. It happened.
You deserve support now, and there needs to be big changes. It's so right that you talk about, and confront what happened.
You are brave and beautiful and strong and so alive. You are saner and stronger than your parents.
Love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
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Chessgirl
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Thank you, EH. It was comforting to read that others have experienced this. Those examples you gave were tragic but it helped to know I’m not alone. I have done some research on family systems and I know I’m your typical family scape goat in my case. My brother who is the golden child has an emotionally incestuous relationship with my mom. I know he was abused in a very different way than me, but it kills me he won’t acknowledge or recall any abuse. He insists we had a perfect upbringing. I don’t know my dads deal. I guess he is just so terribly beaten down by my mother and doesn’t want to challenge her. My aunt said my dad has always been so head over heals for my mom. I’ve just never mattered to anyone in the family. I guess it does make sense that the scape goat holds the most truths about the family. I’ve read this stuff and had my t explain it to me, but still, it boggles my mind sometimes! Thank you for helping me see what’s right in front of me. Every time I think I’ve accepted it, I find myself asking the same questions puzzled still. I so appreciate your input and helpful, inspiring words. Breaks my heart to hear about what your brother and you both endured. That your parents never owned up to it. That’s just mind boggling to me. Offering you support, compassion and hugs 
thank you EH!
thank you EH!Chessgirl♟
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penguin
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Chessgirl, my mom says that she didn't know/doesn't remember any of what happened to me as well. I think I believe her? Like maybe my stepdad hid it well enough. My T doesn't think that is true. He thinks that she would have noticed, that she would have known that he was sending me out at night. That she would have noticed I was 12 weeks pregnant. That I had bruises and cuts and other injuries. He thinks she had to know that something was wrong at least. And maybe she did. Maybe she chose not to see it. But she still claims she had no idea. I don't know, she made an effort to stay away a lot.
Anyway, I can't say anything about your situation of course, but I hate that they won't own their actions and do right by you. I wish that it was different for you. But trusting yourself and keeping your family safe is the best way to go for sure. If anything I said was unhelpful, please disregard. I'm not the best with words really.
Anyway, I can't say anything about your situation of course, but I hate that they won't own their actions and do right by you. I wish that it was different for you. But trusting yourself and keeping your family safe is the best way to go for sure. If anything I said was unhelpful, please disregard. I'm not the best with words really.
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Chessgirl
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Hey penguin,
Thats tough with your mom. It does seem like she would have to know, but I can see why you might think she didn’t also. I read a lot about parental denial. There are different degrees of denial but parents will frequently be in denial about abusive spouses if it brings on too much pain for them. A lesser form of denial is knowing something is not right but minimizing it in your head. Maybe your mom saw red flags but tried to tell herself it wasn’t as serious as it was. I think tht could be what my dad did. He saw abuse but he had to tell himself it was nothing at the time. Then maybe he buried those memories deepening his denial. It’s certainly hard to figure out. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m sorry you can relate. It really is awful to not know if they knew. I really appreciate your supportive words and kindness.
Thats tough with your mom. It does seem like she would have to know, but I can see why you might think she didn’t also. I read a lot about parental denial. There are different degrees of denial but parents will frequently be in denial about abusive spouses if it brings on too much pain for them. A lesser form of denial is knowing something is not right but minimizing it in your head. Maybe your mom saw red flags but tried to tell herself it wasn’t as serious as it was. I think tht could be what my dad did. He saw abuse but he had to tell himself it was nothing at the time. Then maybe he buried those memories deepening his denial. It’s certainly hard to figure out. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m sorry you can relate. It really is awful to not know if they knew. I really appreciate your supportive words and kindness.
Chessgirl♟
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earthhorse
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Re: They “don’t remember”
Oh yes Chessgirl, now that I understand my own fierce loyalty and attachment to my father, who was also the primary abuser and the person who trafficked me, I can also really understand people like your brother. His identity is so wrapped up in his attachment and loyalty to the family, particularly your mother - it would likely cause a complete mental collapse if he were to own up to it...this stuff though it has a way of wearing away with time, the blocks get worn down. Maybe he can't face it now but perhaps he will have to in the future.
Yes my mother even walked in on my father r*ping me. She brought me to a doctor who said I was being sexually abused. After time spent with my father I often directly after get really sick. I had serious injuries. But she claims my father is a saint. Sometimes I know she did things even to keep me safer. Like after she found him on top of me. But still she just would get super, super spitting rage angry and deny it. When I confronted her and told I no longer wanted any contact with my father becauuse of what had happened, his sexual abuse, she didn't even ask me what was going on, she immediately disowned me.
But strangely before I began to actively deal with the memories, I could never even get angry with my dad. No matter how many terrible things he did. 17 years of no contact, still terrified of the man and feel inferior.
It's not easy stuff to express or focus on. The denial it's like a brake because it's too huge to comprehend.
Just know you are the sanest, healthiest person in your family. You are doing all the right things. It's also your choice now as an adult how much access you are willing to give your family to your life. They don't deserve you Chessgirl. You are a very precious and quite extraordinary person. People are lucky to have you in their lives.
Sitting with you.
Love,
EH
Yes my mother even walked in on my father r*ping me. She brought me to a doctor who said I was being sexually abused. After time spent with my father I often directly after get really sick. I had serious injuries. But she claims my father is a saint. Sometimes I know she did things even to keep me safer. Like after she found him on top of me. But still she just would get super, super spitting rage angry and deny it. When I confronted her and told I no longer wanted any contact with my father becauuse of what had happened, his sexual abuse, she didn't even ask me what was going on, she immediately disowned me.
But strangely before I began to actively deal with the memories, I could never even get angry with my dad. No matter how many terrible things he did. 17 years of no contact, still terrified of the man and feel inferior.
It's not easy stuff to express or focus on. The denial it's like a brake because it's too huge to comprehend.
Just know you are the sanest, healthiest person in your family. You are doing all the right things. It's also your choice now as an adult how much access you are willing to give your family to your life. They don't deserve you Chessgirl. You are a very precious and quite extraordinary person. People are lucky to have you in their lives.
Sitting with you.
Love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
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Chessgirl
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Re: They “don’t remember”
EH,
That is probably true that my brother would have a mental collapse if he accepted the abuse. I really should feel so bad for him, which I do I guess but I’m also angry at him. I think because they called me a liar my whole life, made me believe I was a liar and spread rumors I was a liar... then as time goes on I come to find out they are all the liars. Sometimes I get the urge to write a nasty letter to them about it, but I know I’m supposed to be focused on myself right now. Everyone has told me “the greatest revenge is success” and to “just focus on me” I wish it was that easy for me. I wish I wasn’t so drawn to demanding answers from sick people. Thank you for telling me I’m the sanest person in my family. That feels super validating to hear!
Thank you for telling me that they don’t deserve me. A part of me still wants to shove the truth in their face and make them see... that way we could all have a shot at being a family. I really have to work on accepting that that may never happen and distance/no contact may be the best thing. Even if my mom did own up, I would still not be able to trust her. I’d still have to protect myself and my daughter from her. Been up all night thinking about it. I wanted to share my story with my aunt and am glad I did but now I’ve found myself up all night trying to make sense of it all. Being able to come here and have someone to talk to about it helps tremendously. I really hope your treatment is going well. You are so brave and determined EH! It’s always so great to hear your feedback.
That is probably true that my brother would have a mental collapse if he accepted the abuse. I really should feel so bad for him, which I do I guess but I’m also angry at him. I think because they called me a liar my whole life, made me believe I was a liar and spread rumors I was a liar... then as time goes on I come to find out they are all the liars. Sometimes I get the urge to write a nasty letter to them about it, but I know I’m supposed to be focused on myself right now. Everyone has told me “the greatest revenge is success” and to “just focus on me” I wish it was that easy for me. I wish I wasn’t so drawn to demanding answers from sick people. Thank you for telling me I’m the sanest person in my family. That feels super validating to hear!
this really infuriates me about your mom. I just can’t understand or handle that. I’m so very sorry EH. I know you understand the agony this kind of denial brings. To walk in on rape and not acknowledge it?! That’s some serious denial...When I confronted her and told I no longer wanted any contact with my father becauuse of what had happened, his sexual abuse, she didn't even ask me what was going on, she immediately disowned me
Thank you for telling me that they don’t deserve me. A part of me still wants to shove the truth in their face and make them see... that way we could all have a shot at being a family. I really have to work on accepting that that may never happen and distance/no contact may be the best thing. Even if my mom did own up, I would still not be able to trust her. I’d still have to protect myself and my daughter from her. Been up all night thinking about it. I wanted to share my story with my aunt and am glad I did but now I’ve found myself up all night trying to make sense of it all. Being able to come here and have someone to talk to about it helps tremendously. I really hope your treatment is going well. You are so brave and determined EH! It’s always so great to hear your feedback.
Chessgirl♟