They “don’t remember”

[earthhorse]

Yeah Chessgirl,

The gaslighting is crazy making. Sadly you are not alone either in having lies spread about you by your family. It's their way of defending themselves and their loyalty structure, their 'place' - it's wired into survival. And you are the scapegoat in the system. In fact, I would think the stronger you insist on them facing the truth, the stronger their resistance may become. If they have no history of empathy or seeing you or wanting to know how you are. It's probably not a good idea to depend in any way on a supportive reaction.

But take everything I say with a pinch of salt of course. I am seriously jaded. It's important to make the confrontation. And you are completely justified in your rage and anger, it's healthy. It's important to stand up for yourself. It was important to me too to have other people like my partner and his parents stand up for, and protect me.

But Chessgirl, mind yourself. A big step towards real independence and freedom from their lies and abuse is letting go of the hope that they will change. That they will finally show you that you matter and that you are loved. I am in constant grief for the loss of my family and extended family. But I can't be safe and have them in my life. While they were in my life I was prone to all kinds of abuse. It wasn't conducive to healing for me.

Yeah, you would think with the things my mother saw and she herself did that she would come clean in some way, but no. She is very warped, she even wrote an autobiography where she just completely made stuff up, like her dad not dying when she was young, how close she was to her sisters she had been a stranger to for over twenty years, complete fiction. What was weirder is no one in the family challenged her on the contents... she sent her book to the entire extended family.

My mother's psychosis has never been treated, she is highly intelligent, and she masked a lot. -I think that's where her loyalty gets locked in. My mother nearly killed me when I was little and violently r*ped me while in the throes of a postpartum psychosis. She was very physically violent with the other children, but somehow I was spared her physical blows. Same with my father, outside some early childhood very severe physical abuse - I escaped their physically violent (non-sexual) punishments... their beatings - but then again I was being used in other ways and making money - and there are a lot of other forms of abuse I was subjected to. When I stopped being a child, when he stopped sexually abusing me. My father got physically violent with me when I became a teenager. Anyhow, it's the same story she would be forced to start unpacking her own torment and being accountable. The accountability is unbearable for her.

As narcissists, I think my parents genuinely believe it's all my fault. My dad literally believed that his abuse of me was because I brought it on myself, that I made him and the other people do those things to me. He genuinely believed that, he said it over and over again, also about my sister. And they did a pretty thorough job of convincing me of that too. Indeed, it takes pure rage to over come this conditioning. Rage to overcome the terror. Rage to undo the self loathing. It has to be externalized.

You are doing amazing. Your instincts are spot on.

Love,
EH

[Chessgirl]

Thank you EH! I think I needed to be reminded how accepting that they won’t change is important for my own independence. I can’t stop protecting myself from them, I do know this. Thank you also making me see that rage is sometimes necessary. I just love how you put things into perspective. I’m just so sorry you had to experience narcissistic parents who are just liars. I just can’t believe your mother wrote a book about her life like that. When you said it was “complete fiction” it did make me chuckle. It’s awful and tragic, but sometimes it can be comical to see how far someone will go to hide from the truth. Hearing your mom wrote a book she sent to the whole family made me wonder if my mom would ever do this. Totally something she would do. It’s amazing such a beautiful human being like yourself came from those people. I appreciate you so much EH!

[earthhorse]

Ditto Chessgirl! <3 I appreciate you, and I am amazed that such a wonderful person emerged from such horrible abusive home life. You deserve to thrive. And in many ways you already are.

Good on you for taking back your life and your power from their lies!

Hope you get some rest too. Treat yourself and be extra kind. This is super tough and it's exhausting work. You are worth it!

Love,
EH

[Crow]

Hi Chessgirl,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in and quoting earthhorse for a moment?

A big step towards real independence and freedom from their lies and abuse is letting go of the hope that they will change.

Why do I still strive and yearn for my parents' affection? Why do I still want to please them? Why can't I just let go despite all of the pain they caused?

Just pondering really. Confused.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

I know, crow. I’m struggling with the same things. It was an “oh yeah” moment when I read EH’s words. It is true that hanging onto hope is unhelpful. For me, in regards to my parents, at least. I have to work on acceptance.