Realizations

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Realizations

Post by Chessgirl »

Something we talked about in my last session with my doctor was when I had a big realization that what was happening to me was not right. It became clear to me and I took off running down the beach. I was 7. My brother came running after me and I told him “the way mom and dad treat me is not right” I had never talked about or questioned whether or not what was happening was right or wrong. That was the first time I knew. Younger than 7, probably 4 I remember realizing that my mother loved my brother more. It was strange. I remember knowing it and being surprised but sure that my realization was correct. I felt strange because even though I knew this and this was a bad thing I also felt like I did not care at that moment. I wondered why I did not care or I thought to myself that I did not care? Later I cared a lot. Then of course as I got older I found myself many times sad about my life and my parents. I would lay in bed and pretend that my real mom and dad were going to come save me. That they were away and these evil people had me for a little while but it wouldn’t last forever. That I had real parents who loved me out there somewhere. I had a voice like an angel that would talk me through really hard times where I felt so much emotional pain. By the time I was in highschool, I just wanted to plan my escape. Does anyone else remember their first realizations about their parents? My doctor pointed out how I know that at age 7 it occurred to me it was wrong, but before I knew it was wrong I probably just blamed my self. I must have just assumed I was a bad unloveable kid. Even after I realized my parents were not good parents, I still felt unloveable. I’ve still got so much work to do retraining my brain. I really wish I had just been raised by my grandparents who loved me.
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Re: Realizations

Post by coconuts »

My memory is so choppy and i don't have it all but i can remember some things. I remember being in preschool and watching the kids moms pick them up. At the time my dad was single and i remember thinking if i just had a mommy like all those kids did then i would have someone to love me. It was very literal thinking. At that point i didn't blame myself. I just knew that the problem was that my mom was lost. And when she found me she would love me just like all those other kids moms.
Then i remember at night i couldn't figure out which star was supposed to be the wishing star so i decided i would just wish in them all. So i started on one side of the window until i fell asleep and wished over and over for a mommy. For some reason that was the answer to everything.
Then shortly after my dad met my mom. The one i knew and loved as mom. I remember her doting on me. Being so nice. It didn't take very long and she moved it. And then the world came crashing down. I realized my mommy didn't love me. And i know At that point i was sure the problem was me. I lost my first mom and now my mommy didn't love me and she seemed to despise me. She hated me in a way i didn't understand but fully believed was my fault. And so then i knew the problem was me.
I didn't realize it wasn't me until i was 18. My dad was screaming at me. He had smacked me around a bit. He was so angry. I had been working and had saved up money and wanted to buy a car. Im not sure why but my father was convinced it was the stupidest idea ever. Born from the mind of an imbecile, worthless, ungrateful, idiotically stupid child. And while he screamed at me. While he told me over and over how stupid i was. As i stood literally backed into a corner in the front room by the front door. The thought( aparently it was Cecilia) came into my mind. "Wait a minute, I'm not stupid and i have proof. I got good scores on my act and sat. I was graduating 13th out of over 700 students in my class. I had won national writing competitions. I was certifiably not stupid. I could prove it. And the whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized i had spent my whole life believing everything my dad said about me was true and i suddenly found it incredibly hillarious. I began laughing. Laughing at how stupid i was to have believed him all that time. Just uncontrollable fits of laughter. My dad paused. And just started. He looked terrified. I think he thought that maybe i had completely lost it. I just laughed and then finally asked if i could go take a shower. He just stood there gaping at me and then nodded. I walked away laughing the whole way down the hall. In a way i kind of had lost it. But i just found the entire thing so completely comical. I had believed him and now i knew better. If anything he was the idiot. :lol: that was the moment i realized that i didn't deserve to be treated that way, that something was unfair about it. And that maybe i wasnt completely the problem. Until then, my entire life i was convinced i was the problem. I tried harder and harder to earn his love. To earn the love of our mother. It never worked. And sure maybe i was part of the problem but i certainly wasn't all of it.
I was broken from infancy. Trained to not believe in myself. Shattered into seperate personalities to cope and deal with the confusion and chaos of my life. Taught to take the blame. It was always my fault. My grandma hated me cause she hated my mother. My dad for the same reason. He hated me because he didn't want to be a father. He didn't want to be like his own father and to avoid that, he avoided parenting all together. My bio mom hated me because she wasn't "meant to have children". My mommy hated me because, well just because. I knew with a certainty that i was hated, for just being me.
Now if you ask the various parts you will get different opinions. Cecilia does believe in us and pretty much hates most other people. F believes too. But then Lola and Gabe and Claire and most of the others are so deep into the belief of our complete and utter worthlessness. We truly believe we have nothing.

Hmm not sure if i replied correctly. Hopefully it is okay. I'm sorry that you weren't properly loved and adored by your mother. You deserved so much more. So much. You should have be loved and protected and doted on.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Realizations

Post by Chessgirl »

Thanks coconuts,

Yes that’s what I was curious about. What the process of realization was for others here. It made me smile reading about how you did so well academically and knew then how worthy and intelligent you were! I would have loved to see you rub that in your dads face! I can relate to the wishing star thing. I remember wishing on a star more than a few times as well. I wish so much I had gotten good grades or had some kind of proof to show myself I was better than what they said. I knew the way they treated me wasn’t right, or the thought occurred to me.... but I still felt unloveable as well. There were times I thought maybe if I did get better grades they would love me. I finally made good grades in college and I’d show my mom and hope for love, but they didn’t care. I know now even if I did make good grades back then it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Anyway, I’m glad you shared your experience with me. I hope your dad sees how wrong he was. How much he messed up. It kills me what you went through as a child. I frequently think of you as inspiration!
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Realizations

Post by coconuts »

I think my dad does realize kinda. I'm not sure and I don't bring it up. Think we are all terrified to rock the boat and get booted from the family again. We are already quite outsider status. Oh yeah, just remembered. Once when I was a teenager I picked up the phone ( you know back when we had regular phones) too make a call and my dad was on the phone with a girlfriend of his and her was bragging about me. I was so shocked I just didn't know what to think. I didn't even think he liked me or loved me. He never one complimented me. And here he was bragging about me. Yeah it confused me so much I had no clue how to unlock it in my mind and just left it in this confused suspended state of a memory. Now I think he was just trying to make himself look good. He tries to use my success in life to justify himself. Like he must be okay because I'm not a hot mess. Hahaha if he only knew how messy I was and how not okay things we did. Hahaha. Oh well.

When I was older and learned about what my bio mother really did, it didn't help the situation any. I just felt more convinced of my unlovableness. Even now we go there sometimes. And some of my parts believe it still. How awful a person we must be that our own mother left us for dead as an infant. Yeah I know there is no logic there. But it's what runs rampant thru our head at times. T says the real question is how messed up as people they were to hurt an infant/ child. Makes sense, you know, for everyone else, not for me, right. :roll: big sigh. Oh well.

I'm sorry you understand the sadness of star wishes. I also wish you had fewer success earlier to see how much wonderful potential you have. I'm quite certain most of my success was built on fear. I was so afraid of failure and punishment. Into adulthood I have felt anything less than perfection is unacceptable. I have worked hard the last couple years to realize I'm allowed to make mistakes or just be unqualified to do something. I can lack talent or ability or desire and that's okay. Still working on that lesson.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Realizations

Post by Chessgirl »

I’m sure your dad sees what a success you are. It’s a shame he didn’t show you more often growing up. I’m so sorry about your bio mom and how she made you feel. I still do sorta feel unloveable simply because my own mother didn’t. I do understand why you would feel that way but please remember there is no logic in that. That doesn’t make sense. I have to remind myself that it doesn’t make sense that I was born unloveable... no way. Your bio mom really missed out. Something had to have been terribly wrong with her, not you...
Chessgirl
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